At Least Drew Barrymore Only Had to Pretend: Dealing with inexperience as an adult?

In my early twenties I managed to keep myself busy enough at work to mask my inabilities socially. Of course family and the very odd friend noticed that I'd never had a girlfriend but for the most part they ignored the topic as much as myself. More recently I became sick, like really sick. It took every ounce of strength to come through the other side of treatment. That took me into my thirties.

Close to the end of last year this guy I hadn't known long messaged me and asked "NoAbyss (pseudonym if you haven't guessed) have you ever been lonely?" I just thought, "dude, you have no idea..."

I was talked into giving Tinder a try. And to my horror 3 of the women I swiped right for reciprocated. I allowed them to sit in my matches untouched. Then a fourth came through on New Years Eve. An Eastern European girl with the warmest face. I sent a message, she sent a message and we just chatted and it was effortless. We went out a few times and met for coffee quite a few times and everything was great. She looked with smiling eyes in a way no one has ever seen me before. I wasn't some repulsive fat slob.

We went to the cinema, and then for coffee. I walked her to her car and we went to hug and ended up kissing. Being my first I went for half closed mouth, she went for french, we collided somewhere in the middle and it was awful. Before she got in her car we went for it again and I headbutted her with my cap. She became distant after that and basically I messed it all up. She was convinced that there was no connection and I confessed that it was my first kiss too late. Had I been honest maybe she would have driven away from me feeling differently. I'd love to win her back eventually but she's convinced that the whole thing's a sign it won't work. If I try again with someone else I'm just going to run into the same issues and this is before sex is even mentioned. I really don't know what to do.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The lucky thing is, you still have a Tinder. Next time I'd be a little more apt to bring up the fact that you haven't had a girlfriend - but not in a glum sort of way. It may also be time to work on yourself physically if that seems to be an issue of concern for you. Nothing too major, maybe just add working out to your agenda and consider a consultant. I'd recommend Alpha M's tips on YouTube if you're having trouble.

    She seems shallow to relay all inclosable cognition of the date on your failed kiss. It was your first time.

    Try to keep sex out of mind and focus on building a friendship. That will make the nerves easier.

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    • Yeah, it was definitely something I should have brought up. I'm going to regret not doing so for a while. I powerlift so I just need a while to cut. I let things get away from me while I was sick, but this never seemed to bother her when we were together although I suspect that she may have been a little ashamed about introducing me to people.

    • Oh, yeah that'll do it. - don't feel like you have to settle just because you're older though, if you get yourself back into shape, and maybe give tinder another shot, or have a friend set you up, a girl will come around. I'm socially inept myself, so I understand the dilemma, and the grief when it doesn't work out because I know my relationships are few and far between. But there's no sense chasing something that didn't work out, if in fact she's distant as you say.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Thats bullshit.

    If you try with someone else, you won't make the same mistake. You will make whole new ones that will scare them off.

    Luckily, everytime you do, you will become smoother, and sweeter and a better man for the woman you will stay with.

    Keep plugging away at it.

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    • I really wanted this one to work.

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