Friend thinks my boyfriend is abusing me?

My friend thinks that my boyfriend abuses me but he does not hit me or touch me when I don't want him to, all he does is ask for my passwords and checks my phone all the time.. The only reason he does this is because I flirted with another guy once when we were going through a tough time in our relationship... I don't think it's abuse and I kind of like that he can always look at my stuff to prove that I am not cheating on him, it creates more trust in our relationship... But he doesn't let me see his convos which kind of sucks. Is this abuse or is my friend crazy?

  • Friend is crazy, boyfriend not abusing
    50% (11)70% (14)60% (25)Vote
  • you're being abused she is right
    50% (11)30% (6)40% (17)Vote
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Updates:
He keeps saying that he's over it and that it's over and he trusts me and forgives me but he doesn't act that way... But he's had over 16 relationships where he's been cheated on
I'm under 18 but my boyfriend is 21

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Most Helpful Guy

  • From somebody who worked in law enforcement for years, this sounds like the first stages of an abusive relationship. The big indicators I see is he's limited what access you have to other people without any reciprocity. He's putting limits on what you can do and who you can see. Frequently the next step would be limiting people who you can see (you can't spend any time with males, only girls I know, etc) and will lead to control over you.

    I'm not saying this is guaranteed to happen, but it's something I've been trained to watch out for. And if he's 21 and been cheated on 16 times, he's either lying or there's something really worrisome about his relationships.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Damn been cheated on over 16 times? If that's true then poor guy! No wonder he is paranoid. I don't think he is abusing you, probably just worried, I was cheated on once before and even though I wasn't even with that guy that long it has made me really anxious in my current relationship despite knowing my boyfriend is not like that so I don't know what 16 times would do.

    I wouldn't say it's abuse, perhaps a little lack of privacy but if you flirted with someone before and he has had all these bad past experiences it makes sense for him to act this way.

    The only thing I will say is that it does seem unfair to me that he goes on your phone and yet won't let you on his, just be careful of that. Perhaps you can ask why you can't check his phone too since he does with yours.

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What Guys Said 16

  • you're not being abused but he is certainly really going a bit overboard in keeping tabs on you

    trust isn't something that grows because he is surveilling you. in fact surveillance is evidence that trust doesn't exist. if a person trusts another person then they don't need to surveil them

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  • Umm. I hope you're not having sex with him, if you're below the age of consent. He could go to prison and get violently raped or killed. If you love him, you'll just wait a couple of years.

    As for abuse, if you're under the age of consent, and you're both having sex, it's statutory rape which is pretty much abuse.

    As for the checking your stuff, I wouldn't call that abuse. I would call that insecurity and possibly overprotectiveness. But, these days, everything is "abuse".

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  • yeah i wouldn't call that abuse either. and since you let him when he asks, i wouldn't call it an invasion of privacy either.

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  • Trust works two ways, he needs to expect the same from himself that he expects from you. I think your boyfriend needs to loosen up. But if you like this treatment, who am I to judge.

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  • It's not abuse yet, but hebhas a controlling abusive mindset. The other thing is about trust. Trust is when you don't *have* to check up on your partner. He's not displaying trust he's displaying distrust.

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  • I'm not sure I'd say it's abuse quite yet, although it's getting borderline. The fact that he won't let you see his convos means he's a hypocrite. You should stop letting him see your convos if he won't let you see his. You think it creates more trust in the relationship by letting him see your convos? Um... no. That's not what trust is.

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  • >under 18
    >over 16 relationships where he got cheated on

    Something's wrong here. You're either dating a jaded middle-age man, or he's lying. Who has 16 relationships before they've left high school? I had 1.

    Clearly he doesn't trust you, anyway. Should probably leave him.

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    • 16 isn't that high of a number actually. I dated 8 before I was done with high school. And those were fairly long, serious relationships. If I included the nonsexual ones, it'd be like 12. Some people date more, some people date less. The average is 10 in the U. S., 9 in the world, 14 in Turkey as the largest.

      The thing that's wrong is the under 18 part.

  • Your not being abused. He's just paranoid. The trust is missing from your relationship though and it's your fault.

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  • If its not a two way street I think it is abuse. However you admittedly sort of cheated in a way so I guess that's reason to suspect foul play

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  • No, it's not. He caught you flirting with another guy so he's doing his job now.

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  • Definitely hypocritical of him to not let you see his phone. Not abuse, though.

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  • He's not abusive, but he does have extreme distrust of you for trying to keep tabs like that

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  • I wouldn't say it's abuse. I would say that he needs to learn to trust you. Also depending where you live 21 and under 18 could be considered rape.

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  • I'd think it abuse but you clearly don't so that's all that matters.

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  • A clear mind is better than a heavy heart.

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  • He's not abusing, but he should let you see his convos if he's not cheating...

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What Girls Said 13

  • Not abuse, but this behavior isn't good! He clearly doesn't trust you, since he needs to see your messages himself instead of believing what you say. And it's unfair that he won't let you look at his messages! I'm a little worried that you're so young and dating a 21 year old : / A lot of older guys will choose young girls because they're less experienced, and easier to manipulate! You should also question why he's had 16 relationships that ALL ended the same way. He could be lying to you! Just be really careful!

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  • I chose option a but that's not the full of it.

    What he's doing isn't abuse, but it's a red flag that shows he has the potential to become abusive if and when he doesn't get his way.

    Trust is key in a healthy relationship and there is nothing trusting about going through your partners phone and messages. This will not build trust as you seem to think it will. Trust is built by NOT feeling the need to do those kinds of things.

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  • I wouldn't say it's abuse, but he's definitely getting a tad bit possessive. And the fact that he keeps checking your phone means he doesn't trust you, and a relationship is built upon trust. So... I dunno how you two are gonna hold out. If you stop him then he'll think that you're hiding from him, but girl, everybody has the right to have their own privacy.

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  • Controlling behaviours are a sign of abuse. It may not be physical abuse (yet) but that doesn't mean that it won't become that way. I think you should start to seriously question whether you want to be in this relationship. If monitoring social media and messages were about creating trust between the two of you, you would both have access to each other's accounts. The fact that he isn't allowing you to have access to his accounts is questionable. Trust goes both ways. Be very careful.

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  • It's not abuse, but it is a bit controlling. What he does shows he really doesn't trust you, but seeing how you were emotionally cheating for a time, you brought that on yourself.

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  • It's not abuse... but it's pretty well down the line toward being a controlling, manipulative asshole.

    I'd listen to your friend on this one.

    And also, I'd stop being disloyal in future relationships.

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  • He's not over it and he doesn't trust you if he still checks your phone. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship where that was one of the things he did to control me and keep me subdued. I lost a lot of my friends and you're very lucky that you have one that cares enough to check.

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  • I was in an abusive relationship at one point in my life, an I can tell you that friends see something that you don't see. However, I don't think this is a case of abuse as much as he way have trust issues and also you need to see if he's hiding anything if his own.

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  • It sounds like his trust has been broken a lot and he needs to work on that but it doesn't sound like he's abusing you.

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  • I think it is a question of intention. Abuse is about control. It sounds like his behaviour is motivated by lack of trust not a desire to control you.

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  • You're not being abused but he is being way possessive if he's keeping so many tabs on you.

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  • You aren't being abused as you are ok with what he is doing, however your friend does have a point. He shouldn't go through all of your stuff and have all your passwords unless you have his as well

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  • I'm a licensed therapist and what you are describing is what is called emotional abuse. He doesn't have to hit you or curse at you to be abusive. His behavior is controlling and NOT normal. And i doubt he is only checking your phone, he's prob questioning everywhere you go and everyone you talk to. This is not ok. He has to learn to either trust you again or break up with you. But what he is doing right now IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE as defined by the law. The scary part it is that it almost always gets worse and can develop into verbal or physical abuse. You need to get him to stop this NOW before you get hurt. You deserve better than this. Sending hugs.

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