Constant rejection?

Okay so I'm clearly the most defective, hideous and unloveable person there ever was. I cannot do anything right. I try and try and try to be the very best version of me and nobody wants me. I am nothing to nobody. I am so tired of trying and being rejected. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with constantly being rejected or any words of encouragement because I am just so done with trying to mean something to anybody. Has anyone else gone through this much hurt? How do you deal with it?

Updates:
Okay guys. Just want to say, these aren't first dates. These are knowing someone for 5, 6, 7 or 8 months and then them turning round like nah, not what I want. That's what it is, I feel sucker punched.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You are obviously pretty enough to be girlfriend material judging by your profile picture, so it won't have anything to do with looks. Face, anyway.

    That leaves a few things. If the problem is on your end, it will be either your personality or your mannerisms, but the problem could very well be on the other end, meaning that either you are looking for the wrong guys, the guys you like are at an age that they aren't looking long term, or they are not able to see the 'real you', which is probably a joint problem having to do with both presentation on your part and perception on theirs.

    It can be difficult to give a solid answer when you are only able to hear from one side of the equation - you hear a lot of questions on here about people that worry about being single and describe themselves as being smart, beautiful, funny, kind, loyal, successful, fun and outgoing... and so part of the problem is clearly that their vision of themselves doesn't match the way other people see them, because if they were all of those things they wouldn't have the problem that they have. Maybe they get really clingy really fast, maybe they have some annoying quirks, maybe they get painfully jealous, maybe they get pouty when they don't get their way, maybe they are rude to waiters, maybe they never have anything interesting to say, or constantly cut you off in a conversation, maybe they don't have any interests or passions of their own or any strive towards personal growth. There could be tons of reasons why someone ends up rejected, a lot of them falling through the cracks that a person usually self-presents.

    You are definitely not alone is suffering from a lot of rejection though.

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    • I know I'm not alone but I really feel like everyone I know is in a relationship or is with someone and I'm not. I spent all last year being rejected and I really really didn't want to go through it again this year. Clearly i am not something someone wants long term. I am just sex and nothing more. That's all I will ever be to anyone. Thanks for the insight.

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    • @coolgirl19 I'm not bothering with dating or trying to build a relationship with anyone ever again. I'm just going to stick to being by myself and interacting with people as little as possible

    • do that for nowi thinkits right and eventioally ull meet nice friends, etc

Most Helpful Girl

  • God I know exactly what you feel like. My life really just hit an all time low a while ago, die to the sheer amount of crap people were giving me. This is going to sound so weird, but music was my savior. I would spend hours every day in my room just listening to music because music wouldn't criticize me or tell me I wasn't good enough. Fall Out Boy taught me I'm good enough, that feeling worthless doesn't mean you are worthless, and someone will always love you for who you are, you just might not have found them yet. Pierce the Veil taught me that taking care of yourself is the only way anything will get better, and that hurting yourself hurts everyone. My Chem taught me I have to be myself, I shouldn't conform to what society wants me to do, and that no matter what I wear or who I like, it doesn't make me less of a human being or worthless. Thought I should share some lessons I learned, now that I'm much happier, and encourage you to find something, anything, that is like music was to me

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    • Thank you :) your comment has been the best so far. I'm sorry to hear you've been through these feelings too :( I used to use music and films to make me feel better but I'm just numb to these things now. I will try though.

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    • I don't even want a boyfriend. I'm not desperate to meet someone. I just want the people who pretend to like me for months, to stop lying to me and messing with my head. I'm fine being single, it's not even really about that, it's about these rejections. Friends have done the same to me, non romantic ones. But thank you, I don't know how I feel about trying to force myself to meet people. I'm not very confident in that respect.

    • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXYiU_JCYtU this song reminded me of you and my former self, just thought you should listen

What Guys Said 30

  • This is coming from a 25 year old virgin who hasn't even obtained a kiss yet, and is by no means holding out for religious reasons. You're not worthless. Just because something hasn't worked out yet, doesn't mean it never will. At the very least you're attractive, although that's a blessing as well as a curse. On one hand, people will feel drawn to you, but they won't all be well intentioned. You will have choices though. Just make sure to remember that you have value besides your appearance, and that you deserve someone that will respect you for it.

    Others aren't as lucky, and have to accept what comes. For example, a few weeks ago I placed a photo of myself on here asking to be ranked on my appearance from 1-10. The average I got was a 5, going as low as a 3. I don't have many options, but if I allow that to bother me too much, I'll have absolutely none. Even with those poor odds, very little of the attention I receive from women is genuine; most often it's just the result of some insecure chick reassuring herself that she's desirable.

    So appreciate the circumstances you have, try to smile through the pain, and look to find someone that deserves you, especially if you don't feel you deserve them. Best of luck in finding someone special.

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    • Thank you for your opinion. I don't have any value, clearly. I'm hollow again. Thanks tho.

    • Don't talk about yourself like that! Three years ago, I had no car, lived with my parents, and would have a panic attack if I saw someone I used to know from high school on the street. Some days it was just a struggle to continue existing as myself. However, this past year alone I have moved into my own apartment, bought my own car, regularly visit the local bars in my hometown, and have even had the good fortune to be able to visit China without being accompanied by family. I still struggle daily with simple things, and hell, for all I know I may still die alone due to my appearance despite my personal accomplishments. But you don't just give up on yourself like how you're trying to do. You're young and attractive, and still have a large world of opportunity to explore. So stop hating yourself for your failures, and do something that matters!

    • You can't say I'm attractive. You can see one picture of my face that's decent but you don't know what I look like. I live with my parents. I have anxiety and depression. I just lost my job. I have nothing going for me. I promised myself I wouldn't do this year because I knew I couldn't handle it. I wish I'd kept my promise to myself.

  • We had an exchange on this site which was hilarious, you obviously are not just attractive but have a fun personality so it's not you in your natural relaxed state.
    I am just going to throw out a theory that may or may not apply but I've encountered situations where I have decided not to pursue really hot girls; and they told me I was the first person to "reject them." The reason why was because of what I sensed as a mixture of anxiety, high expectations and lack of patience. In other words, they were getting insecure and seeking something to make them secure and what they were not doing was (1) being present and enjoying the moment (2) I didn't feel they were attracted to me as much as a concept of being together with someone "In love with the idea of being in love" and (3) the experience feels very impersonal.
    This scenario has happened to every girl and many don't understand what just happened. However, imagine being the guy... she doesn't know you (at least that's how the guy will feel) and therefore the guy will not feel it is genuine and more about them than you. As a guy you feel that it will be impossible to make her happy because the expectation was so high and so rapid, before getting to know you, and you even though she thinks she is not being unappreciative about whatever is happening (a date for example) she doesn't feel present which can be interpreted as "being with me now is not good enough for her" and I know, having 3 sisters, this is just a huge miscommunication however it is all fueled by "looking for love and acceptance vs. Being present and open to options" and maybe only little pieces of this applies to you, but a guy and a girl can always sense this energy from one another even if they can't articulate it.

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    • Just being you and relaxed and patience is your solution. You don't want to dive into a relationship anyway; if you are you, not seeking a goal or trying to look for clues and stressing about where a relationship is going, overthinking and over analyzing, just relax as you do around your girlfriends and be you; mr right will find you before you know it

    • I get what you're saying and I agree with all the points and maybe I am doing all these things but 1. I am into these guys, not the idea of them. 2. This isn't a few dates in. This is 5 - 7 - 8 months down the line. We've established something - even if it's not a set in stone thing but I feel part of this persons life and then they reject me, that's why I'm so hurt and pissed off about it. I get drawn in when they act like they like me, tell me some bullshit about being 'beautiful' or whatever and then they pull away. I am not forcing anything on anyone but at the same time can you blame me for wanting something more?

  • What do you mean by trying to be the best version of yourself? Putting yourself in the best light? Toning down certain elements of your personality that might be off-putting to many? Often, people have a strong personality trait (like outspokenness) that most people don't know how to handle.

    Comparing yourself to others is not being fair to yourself. Relationships come easily for some people. Others simply have lower standards. People with unique personalities have a much harder time finding compatible friends or lovers. Such people are rarer and harder to find,. I suspect that's the situation for you.

    You mention trying to mean something to someone else. How about trying to mean more to yourself? The more that the strengths of your personality (and the quirks too) shine, the more likely a compatible person will notice you.

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    • I just mean being myself but making sure I'm a good person and I try and be loving and caring to everyone who comes into my life. I am flawed, like everyone else but yeah I guess I try and make sure I'm real but I'm also someone nice and likeable. But I'm obviously not doing it right. My perception of myself is formed by how I've been treated my whole life. I've been rejected by friends, family and potential relationships. I really don't feel like I can do anything right and be someone that people will care about. I'm really lonely and sad.

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    • I can see why you wouldn't want to let others in after all the pain that's brought you. Although this may also keep the right people out. Choosing who you do open up to is very difficult since a wrong choice can be devastating. It's not true that if your family doesn't get you, then no one ever will. They are often the last ones to understand a family member who is very different than they are. For what it's worth, here is a take I wrote about the mixed blessing/curse of being unique:

      www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a25195-the-paradox-of-uniqueness

    • I have nobody. I'm so alone and I'm so tired of fighting for myself and making the effort. I just want to crawl into a cave and disappear.

  • yep, been rejected... you know what I did... rejected that ! That isn't what matters most, what matters most is how you feel about yourself. It is actually a fact that we will eventually become what we expect ourselves to be. I read it on the internet it must be true. Also, I read that when we change our internal dialogue, you know what that voice in our head keeps telling us, we can change reality... yep, it's true, this I have actually tested... it's worth a try, tell your self that you are good and awesome and unique what ever words are most comfortable for you just make them positive, I'm hot... smart... do this for a month and watch what happens... it's not easy but you can do it... ;-)

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  • I don't think you are defective, hideous, or unloveable.

    * I think you are a capable person to do the things that you need to do.
    * You are very attractive to people out there. I know that it may seem like lots of people aren't attractive but there are people who will find you attractive.
    * And not everyone is supposed to love you to the point of marriage.

    I know that you feel this way and I won't minimize it, but if I said these things about myself you would say all the right things to pull me out of my funk. Maybe it's my turn now. :)

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    • I'm not looking for marriage. I'm looking for someone to not treat me like I'm a revolving door.

    • That is very understandable.
      I think if you make a guy work for your affection then he might realize you are not a revolving door and treat you with more respect.

    • I don't know how. It doesn't matter anyway, I'm 100% done with dating or being romantic.

  • For once in my life
    let me get what i want
    Lord knows it would be the first time...

    unless your profile pic is hiding huge fat rolls, it's not your appearance.

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    • I love that song. The Smiths are a great band :) well yes, my body isn't great. So maybe it's my horrible body and crummy personality.

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    • There you go. Some girl today was asking if guys liked curvy today on the site, she was 160 lbs... and 4'10".

      You're not fat. You'r just not slim. You could hit close to optimal weight in 3 months.

    • I really don't want to keep complaining or giving excuses but I'm on medication that makes me big and I also have some health problems that make it difficult for me to do things like cardio. I know I need to lose weight, I think my body is disgusting but right now I can't do that much about it until I'm a little healthier and more finically able to join a gym.

  • Iam genuinely shocked. You look so pretty beautiful eyes.
    Why do you think this is? Surely your getting first dates? Or is it you can't hold on to guys. Love to chat more to see why it is your struggling.

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    • I get dates, I get to the beginning of a relationship, heck I even got a guy to date me for 8 months before he rejected me. The rejection comes at different stages. They only want one thing. Whether I give it up first thing or not, that's all I am to men, sex. I'm just trash and nobody wants me.

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    • Because I'm trash who everyone walks all over. I'm used to it. I've spent my whole life being bullied and belittled, I would just like someone who cares for once. I don't think I'll ever find that. Thanks for your kind words.

    • Your not trash. You must not think that's way. This is why these guys treat you this way. No woman should ever be treated that way.
      You have to break the cycle of being low so your treated so poorly.

  • Keep swinging! The world is a cruel place. Think about how saying "nobody wants me" is somewhat short-sighted. There are many good people that would love to be with you - you just have to do the difficult and persistent work of finding them. I hope you don't give up.

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  • Duh, it's not your looks, that's for sure.
    I don't really have any advice, but you should know you're not alone, that I'm like you.

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  • Maybe take a little break and try to vent some emotion... go have a nice walk in nature from time to time and do relaxing things like reading a book :D
    And than... try to get smiling again, that will make the guys feel like wanting to be around you. If you're bitter only your closest friends will continue to support you. A guy with a crush will probably run away :-(

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    • I'm not going to date or try and be around anyone romantically anymore. Thanks for your advice :)

    • You're welcome :D
      And who knows, when the frustration is over the days may come back that you'd like to learn to know someone... in the meantime take care :D

  • I think I know why based on some of the stuff you've said to others. It's not a nice answer but I'm being real. It's true that when you look different to what people think your like they latch onto what they thought you were like subconsciously. I have a male Freind now who at the start I thought was standoffish and kinda arrogant. I know him well now and guess what he's not like that at all. But then there are moments that happen that make me think he is actually like that.
    What I'm trying to say to u is people might date you because your pretty and likable. But (based on what you said) you are used for sex meaning you probably give off a vibe that says I'm 'fun', however you may really be giving off the vibe that your sexual. When he gets to know u he learns that your not like that. The catch is that anything that confirms his subconscious belief pushes you away from him. The 'Sex' vibe is usually always associated with a girl who's 'Fun' and therefore he may assume you not long term material.
    You never truly get rid of the assumption you first make of someone therefore I advise you to not give off the 'Promiscuous girl' vibe but the 'Relationship' feel. I'm not encouraging you to make drastic changes like changing you hair colour to brunette haha but maybe be less upfront and eager at the start.
    It's not really a case people intentionally trying to hurt you its more the mind already has a plan for us that we haven't thought about on a conscious level.

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    • Okay I wasn't aware I was doing this. Thank you for the insight. I feel worse than before now because I realise I'm painting the absolute worst picture of myself to people and I realise it's all my fault why nobody sticks around. Thanks for the confirm, it was helpful.

  • Yeah thats because you are trying to control the outcome too much, try simply enjoying yourself, the more real you are as a person the quicker you will be accepted

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    • That's the thing, I'm not trying to control or force anything, I don't ask for anything or say I want this or that - I just am. And then people say, nah, I don't want you.

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    • It'll assist me in that nobody can hurt me if I don't interact with anyone. I don't know how to improve myself. I don't think everyone deserves to have friends or love and be happy, some of us are meant to be alone.

    • Everyone deserves love, care and compassion. Why would you be human? it's a gift to share love and care, not a curse. I mean if that's the direction you want to go in and you are drawn too go and see if it's for you, i have tried it, it's a bottomless pit from my experience.
      Improving yourself takes time, i would suggest looking at how you treat yourself, often how we treat ourselves is how we would close friends or the world. That's a step if you wanted one. But my heart goes out to you regardless.

  • Don't try to be the "best version of you", because the best version of you is really just a distorted, pretend-you.

    Just be you.

    Men who get rejected just needs to suck it up, generally. there's not really anything else to do.

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    • I've tried being me, I've tried being the best me. Nothing works.

    • Being the "best" you isn't being you, as it's just what you think other people want you to be, if that makes sense.

      You shouldn't let yourself get knocked out so easily, you can give up when you're dead.

    • Well that won't be too long. Thanks.

  • Let's have it private. I'm with you and I know you'll be better just one day from now.

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  • More guys are opting out of dating, I'm one of them. But I still can't see why guys would reject you. You look pretty good.

    I've only been rejected the once, but I've only ever asked a girl out the once. Never did again. Been single my whole life out of personal choice.

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    • Think I'm going to stick to being single. It's not that they opt out of dating, they date, they just tell me I'm not what they want or they don't see 'more' with me. Always when they've reeled me in and made me care, I feel like I'm always getting sucker punched.

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    • I really don't want to bore you with my depressive personality :( thank you for your help tho

    • You couldn't bore me. Besides, I've got a depressed suicidal Chinese woman on Skype. Who keeps sending me pics of shusi...
      You couldn't be any worse. But either way I'm happy to help.
      If you do change your mind, just look up aceotana. At least you're in the same country as me. :)

  • Please explain what you say is rejection.
    Given that the social norm for females of your age is to wait for the male to make the first move, I do not understand what you are experiencing.

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    • We're dating/seeing each other and we know we 'like' each other, at least I think we do. Then they turn around and reject me.

    • Ah, I see.
      Nearly all the relationships that we will have will also end one day.
      If that is happening to you a lot, it might be time to re-evaluate the selection criteria that you are applying to males who express and interest in you.
      Your profile pix (which you said on your profile was of yourself) is of a young woman who should have no difficulty attracting male attention.
      If you want to do better, I can make some suggestions that may be helpful.
      Read the following books:
      1. The instant millionaire, by Mark Fisher. This is not about making money, per se. It is about how the choices that we make are determined by our level of self esteem. This includes our choice of intimate partners.
      2. How to win friends and influence people, by Dale Carnegie
      3. Skill with people (there is an extensive series of these books)
      4. Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, by John Gray
      5. Awaken the giant within, by Anthony Robbins

    • I know relationships end. I know. I'm just tired of being sucker punched. Thanks for the reading list, I may check those out

  • You're already the best version but you're just stuck pretending otherwise...

    And so you go on pretending and trying. You falsify your person and what you receive in return turns out to be equally false- a porcelain plate easily dropped and broken.

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  • Well that all depends.
    How much dignity do you have? I'm sure you could find a boyfriend quickly if you have little.

    If not then you honestly might be asking the wrong guys out.

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    • I've tried different kinds of guys. It's clearly me, not them. I don't know what you mean by dignity?

    • You can easily get a guy by being "easy". Most women with dignity don't want that.
      Honestly if it IS you, it's not your looks. Maybe you're coming off too strong or maybe there's something about your personality that doesn't make it seem you want to date?

    • It doesn't matter if I'm easy or if I withold sex. The outcome is the same. Clearly my personality is defective. Thanks.

  • Well, no, I have never gone through this much hurt because I don't suck that much, but if I were that useless I would probably just cry about it for a while until it ended.

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  • Just focus on life. Maybe you're trying too hard for a relationship. I just got a feeling you're very clingy. You just need to find a guy who really wants a relationship over sex. you're a rare breed these days.

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    • I'm not looking!! I genuinely aren't. I wasn't looking for anything, they just happened. I'm not clingy, I don't tell people what to do or where to go or see. I don't ask for anything. I just don't want someone to lie to me for 5,6,7 months about liking me when they don't.

  • Well the problem isn't your looks. Dig a little deeper.

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  • Well you might not be hot? Lol

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  • Don't concentrate on pleasing others so much.

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  • It's your mind, not your looks, and judging from this question, it confirms that

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    • This question was written when I was hysterical. It's not really a good interpretation of how I normally am though I can accept I look crazy from this.

  • At first you don't succeed, try try again

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  • Stop trying and pretending, start doing and mean it,

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  • You don't deal with it, you get past it... accept yourself and maybe other people would too...

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  • Have u tried me yet?

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What Girls Said 6

  • I think once you stop trying to be the best person you can be because you probably genuinely are, rejection is tough and some people deal with it in other ways than others, there's also other reasons besides someone not being into you is the reason they reject.

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    • It's always 'I don't see this long term' or 'I don't see you as more than a fuck' or 'you'll find a better match'. I'm trying so hard, I am myself and myself isn't good enough.

  • Just do things that put a smile on your face or that you like. Be happy wirh yourself and forget the rest!

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    • I think having depression doesn't help but thank you

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    • The NHS is the national health service. Everyone's taxes pay for the health service here which is good if you have a physical illness but mental health isn't good, it's difficult to get help for it. If I want therapy, I would have to choose a therapist and pay £50 an hour for the pleasure.

    • Oh thats what I am on lol! Yeah they don't slove mystery but it helps a little. To just have someone to talk to ya know!

  • Start with stopping the belittling of yourself. Next, give yourself some time! People find love at all different ages. Also consider rejection isn't always about you. Just because someone doesn't want to be with you doesn't mean you're not worth being with. Not everyone will automatically want to be with you.

    Deal with it by reminding yourself you are a great catch and when that right person comes along he ( or she ) will appreciate all those great qualities you know you have!

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    • It's not just romantic rejection but I've been rejected by friends and family too. It's difficult to feel like a 'catch' when you're always being told you're not enough or you're doing X wrong.

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    • I can't afford therapy. I've just lost my job so that doesn't help matters. I'm used to feeling like this. I've always been told I'm trash, you start believing things when you hear them enough. Nobody cares about me, so I don't want to start trying to care for myself.

    • I'm sorry you feel that way. I hope you feel better soon.

  • If that's you in your pp, you're not hideous.

    You wouldn't last a day as an actual ugly person.

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    • It is me, yeah. Why do you say that? I'm not pretty, I'm constantly being told I'm not pretty enough and I don't have a good body. It's just a decent-ish pic.

  • Hello,

    I'm sorry to hear your struggle. May I ask how long you are waiting before sleeping with the guys?

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    • I didn't sleep with him if that's what you're asking. And it varies with the guy. I don't always sleep with people straight away and I still get rejected.

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