Why put all this effort into someone, just to use them?

I was dating this guy, our first date was amazing. We had plenty to talk about and I felt like we had a connection. We kissed after the date. We talked after that everyday on the phone and through text. We went on a couple of more dates. We had sex after 3 months, it wasn't planned, we were just hanging out, watching tv, and it happened. We cuddled after for a long time. I kinda felt like it was a mistake and i expressed that to him because i usually don't have sex outside of a relationship. He then told me his feelings that he liked me a lot, he listed my good qualities in detail, and said he could see himself in a relationship with me. And then we started talking about star wars. He called me after he left and came home. We talked for an hour or so. He texted me the day after, planned a date on Sunday which was Easter Sunday. Then on that day. He cancelled because he had a family thing. I understood that. He told me how sorry he was and it was really sincere. Then I texted him 2 days later, and he ignores me but is on social media. It has been a week now and still no reply from him. I don't even know what went wrong. My guy friends are saying he just got what he wanted. Which is ridiculous to me. Why put all this effort into someone, just to use them?

Updates:
Also, on dates, he would hold hands with me and hold me tight when we're just standing.
When we talked on the phone after, I told him" I don't think it was a mistake anymore. You obviously care about me and respect me so I shouldn't feel that way. " and he said he does care about me. So he knows that I didn't feel like it was a mistake anymore.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't know too many guys that would spend hours on a phone with a girl for weeks, just to have sex one time and leave. But you can't ignore signs. From the looks of it, he did what he felt he had to for sex. Treat it as such. Don't call, text or email him. You sent him a message. He got the message. If he doesn't respond *shrugs* oh well. You should be talking to other guys anyways

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    • That happened to me once. I thought I was in love, he was using me for 3 month+ plus, when he got fed up he moved on to the next girl. He is a serial dater

Most Helpful Girl

  • Why put all this effort in just to use them? Because people are jerks, that's why.

    Not trying to be mean, you did nothing wrong at all, this guy got what he wanted and now he's on to the next one.

    I was in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half, and he used me the whole time. He said such sweet things to me, then he would be 'busy'. At first I thought he was actually busy, he came up with reasonable things to say to me to justify the time we spent apart.

    Most weekends he was helping out family, going to family things, or was working. I thought nothing of it, as I wanted to be the loving, supporting, drama-free girlfriend.

    I would rework my schedule so we could see each other on different days, I would drive (after my hour-long commute) another hour to see him, then an hour back home. I even moved closer to him so we could spend time together, because he always said if we lived closer we could spend more time with each other, and that he really wanted that.

    He paid for our dates sometimes, and they weren't always cheap. He even had me plan out a trip and insisted I book a hotel room, only to bail.

    As soon as I moved closer to him, he started ignoring me and being distant. I asked him several times if anything was wrong, and he said that things were fine he was just busy with family/work.

    Well, one of my friends (luckily) asked me if he was still online (this is at the year and a half marker). I said no, we had met online but I noted he had deleted his profile a long time ago. Well, I had an inkling so I went onto the website and searched his username (with POF you don't need an account to search the username, so no I was not actively on the site at all. I had deleted my account when we agreed to see each other exclusively).

    Boom, there he was!

    He used me for sex, as a self-esteem booster, and I'm not sure what else. He had this illusion of a relationship that was never to be. He told me he wanted to live with me and that he really liked me and never felt this way about anyone before.

    People suck! And I'm really sorry this happened to you. I still have no idea as to why people do this, other than perhaps they just need something you are willing to give. He got what he wanted and my ex got what he wanted as well.

    The best thing you can do is move on. Write this guy off and never talk to him again.

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What Guys Said 18

  • Sorry too hear you that in a way you did get used like this guy seemed to have done.. I see no point in ever doing that to a women.. never have I used a women and could not imagine ever doing that every women I have been with totally wants to be with me and me to be with her.. women were not put on this planet to be used by anyone

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  • Either your guy friends are right, OR he got scared by the prospect of becoming involved in a committed relationship and he freaked out.

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  • Sometimes, a person out in the cold wants to snuggle up to a fire for a night or two, if only to remember what it was like to be warm all the time.

    Don't try to justify it, don't try to read his mind, just know that you did what you could and he wasn't willing to back up his actions with commitment. Move on.

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  • You expressed that sleeping with him was a mistake. Thus, he thought it was time to go.

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  • He played you. He got what he wanted.
    Why would he put all that effort just to use someone? Because there are bad people out there who do just that, lie and use you.

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  • When a guy hears that a woman he just had sex with, considers their sexual encounter a "mistake", his feelings are going to be crushed.

    I think he is so hurt that he can't stand looking at you or interacting with you at all right now. You really hurt his feelings!

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  • I think he took the time to think this through and probably realized that having you was a lot of work. I mean 3 effing months? The guy probably thought he wouldn't have sex for the next six months until you maybe started to feel like he might be the one. While he liked you, he decided to go for someone who is less work.
    It's time to pick up the speed a little bit if you want the guy to stay.

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  • 3 months wait for sex? And then when you did have sex, you acted as if it were a mistake? He probably thought you were two difficult honestly. Girls who act like they aren't into sex is a really unattractive thing to a lot of guys. Just keeping it real man...

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  • He got bored of u or he found some new chic..
    Move on

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  • It could be that, but it could also be that either he thought the sex was bad (unlikely but possible) or he might have been pissed off that you said it was a mistake and took it as you having second thoughts about him. Ask him what's up.

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  • Sounds more like you scared him away if anything.
    If somebody told me having sex 3 months into dating was a mistake then I would probably just "meh" out anyway.

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  • Some guys will go that far for sex. It's ridiculous I know but to them it's worth it.

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  • Hey mainuplation os a great sourcefor some people

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  • It's called better plan.
    It's called destructive plan.
    It's known as for getting cookie by whole new home, kitchen and cookie maker and bake it till it's s ready.

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  • It was probably fun.

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  • You probably made him feel guilty after telling him it was a mistake

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  • You expressed that sleeping with him was a mistake.

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What Girls Said 11

  • This has happened to me more then once. I'll never understand it. Best to try not to understand it since we'll never know.

    But, hey the guy lied to you and used you. You deserve better. Time to forget about him and move on to better things and better people!

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  • .. it hasn't been THAT long. Perhaps he's still busy with this family issue.
    It is a bit weird that he can't spare a few minutes to simply text you but I wouldn't see he put in that much effort. Everything he said could be true but he's obviously not super keen on you two becoming anything more than friends, or friends with benefits.

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    • What is a lot of effort to you? He spent money and time on me.

    • well to me, someone spending money does not equate to being interested in more. I'm not a hooker or anything.
      HIs actions make it clear that he's not interested now. Whether it be from a change of heart or not is irrelevant. Best for you to just walk away.

  • Just used you doesn't really make sense. Shit is so much more complicated than that.

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  • why put all this effort into someone just to use them?
    ...
    hmmmm. I don't know. probably because that's how it works?
    like why work hard for more money? bc you get more money

    why put all this effort to have sex with someone?
    because you can have sex with them...

    simple enough right?

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  • He was just putting an act to get laid. He won the bet with his friends

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  • He seems like an asshole. Maybe give it a couple of days and see if he responds...

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  • they'll go to the extreme for that poontang

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  • Because pussy is magiical

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  • Some people do it because it's fun to them. He got what he wanted. Apparently, that was sex.
    As for why he lied to you... people lie for no reason sometimes.

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  • I've had guys do that too, they just want sex and then ditch u

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  • A guy did this to me once. For 3 weeks during a Christmas temp term, I had a perfect boyfriend. The day after I was let go at the end of my temp term, we had sex. We cuddled for a few hours after that, then he made me dinner at his place, and we partied with his roommates (one guy two girls) later that evening watching movies and having drinks. I spent the night, he drove me home the next morning before work, and never spoke to me again. I went into the store some weeks later, and everyone had told me that I was supposed to have been hired on, and when I wasn't they had asked him how I was, and he told them I had dropped contact with him randomly with no reason after my employment there had ended. I did see him around, but he went out of his way to ignore and avoid me, and act hurt like I had broken up with him.

    Several month later I went to work at a fast food drive through, right next to the retail store where he worked. I met another girl who had been treated the same way by this same guy; apparently he does this every year with a temp during the Christmas season, and his roommates are all in on it, and they know it's a game between he and his friends, and they make it a point to make the girl feel like she is "part of the group" so she won't suspect she is being played.

    A friend of mine has had this happen to her too, and in her case, the guy wasn't over an ex, and he did this to her to try and test himself to see if he was really over his ex, which he was not.

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