This guy is patient AND romantic, but?

I'm having a hard time feeling attracted to him otherwise.

Hi, I'm sure some of you know who I am. I'm famously single, but recently I've begun going on dates with a young man who is COMPLETELY enamored with me. I'm not exaggerating. He does pretty much everything most girls want: he is patient, he does his best to respect my boundaries, and he consistently tells me how beautiful and perfect I am and how much he likes me. Yet, I continue to have a problem with forming an attraction and a bond with him.

I think he's physically attractive all things considered, but in the past when I have liked men the attraction was much stronger. I was sure that I liked them, I was sure that I was attracted to them, and I wasn't too hesitant with wanting to be with them. With this guy however I find myself feeling hot and cold, which is NOT my personality.

So I suppose my question more or less is if you can offer me any informative input on the situation and if you think I should continue to see this guy or not?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think you should continue, here is why.
    Often times we discover new things about our partners that we never have guessed, secrets, personalities, both good and bad. Not only would it be good practice to wait through the times when you are feeling hot and cold but either prep you for a relationship with this guy or assist you with future relationships. I would consider it a good habit, but that is me. Getting cold feet is not a deal breaker. Of course, i am only repeating the arguments i have had with myself about this but, generally, when faced with a slight misstep such as feeling hot and cold it is far outweighed by what the future can bring. Now, things don't always work out but knowing that you can give your full self to someone is quite important. Perhaps that is a males perspective, after all chivalry is unfortunately dead.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Have you considered the possibility that the way he treats you is actually a turn off. Maybe what you think you want, or what society says your supposed to want in a man, isn't what you actually want?

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    • ... That is like jedi-mind powers there because that makes sense.

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    • @singlebee He hasn't even attempted to kiss me even though the opportunity has been there.

    • Hmmm well he should make a move...

What Guys Said 18

  • I am very much in the camp if the feelings aren't there, they aren't there and unlikely to form. It is unfortunate that he seems complete enamoured with you because my next suggestion was how do you feel about him as a person maybe a friend but that would only work if you are clear that a relationship will never happen and he agrees to bury his feelings for the sake of the friendship.
    From what I read I would advise walk away, put him out of his misery and save you walking on eggshells. Anything other option will probably lead to more hurt for him and upset for you.

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  • Seems like you like just him enough pysically but you dont have that raw desire for him. The problem is as you said yourself, he is enamoured with you but you are not with him. Relationships are a two way street, you need to want each other equally for them to work. I think his enthusiasm is what is keeping you going tbh and its not viable long term.

    You can try and give it time to see if that attraction builds but keep in mind, the longer you take, the more you will crush his heart if you decide no.

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  • In the comments you've said that you worry about your own experience and emotional openness. I struggle with a lot of the same things so I'll tell you what I've noticed for myself.
    Whether you're inexperienced or not, you're still playing with the hand you're dealt. That discomfort isn't going to magically go away. For me, it takes someone really special to melt through my barriers. So I hold out for someone special. They do exist and they're more common than you'd expect.
    That's not to say that you should throw in the towel when things get a little uncomfortable, but there's a line and if you're asking this question then you've probably crossed it.
    Hope that helps. And maybe you're not like me, that's for you to hunker down and decide for yourself.

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  • Do you think you can figure out what that spark was that made you so attracted to other guys that you don't seem to have with him? Sometimes a person can have a good personality be physically attractive but for whatever reason the spark just isn't there. The heart wants what it wants.

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    • You know I think I do know what the spark was with the other guys now that you mention it.

  • if you dont feel comfortable with him then dont be with him, just because he is attractive and nice to you doesn't mean you have to like him, you can say straight to him that your not having or feeling a bond between us i hope you dont mind its nothing personal, and then find someone else,

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    • I see what you're saying 100% but what keeps stopping me is that it's still early on and we've only gone on about two dates. Sometimes I have moments where I feel like I may really like him, and I would be lying if I didn't admit to not being active in the dating world for a long time. I suppose I am consistently questioning whether or not there is anything wrong with this guy or if my lack of experience and emotional openness is prohibiting me.

    • hmm, then just spend some more time with him and figure out whether you like him or not.

  • It's better not to go serious with someone if you are unsure of your feelings towards that person, and if the physical attraction isn't there/hasn't grown enough. Give it time if you like, but don't force anything I'd say.

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  • I understand and you're right if you are not feeling the attraction they way you want to feel then it better to step back and break it off.

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  • Yes, continue to see this guy. In relationships there is this tendency to respect chemistry, but chemistry leads us to people who are challenging and basically assholes. Women like the bad boys, and let's face it, lots of guys like the bad girls. It makes no sense. How about going with the person who makes logical sense until you can figure out why they don't? You need not have marathon, or even once, sex with this guy until you do figure it out. Because if you happen to figure out that he is awesome, he'll likely become incredibly hot at that point, too. This goes for men in relationships with women they don't feel certain about too.

    Is anyone else sick of hopping from bed to bed as though there are millions of people in the world, and you have to try them all before you settle on one, or is it just me?

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  • You don't feel a "spark"with him, because although your brain is telling you he's a good match, you don't feel it in your emotions, so deep down you don't REALLY like him.

    But you're forcing yourself to try to do so.

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  • Well shit! I'd your are not attracted towards him then what's the point? I don't know if you should wait cause is your wait you may develop feelings for him but at the same time if you don't and breakup he will be very hurt...
    So it's your call what to do

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  • I guess your mind is still confused and you don't know what you want. my theory is that you been chasing the wrong so often that you are not feeling that it's right to chase the opposite.

    when you live doing the wrong decisions and feel the pain it brings your mind will automatically open for the right path, but you don't wanna let it happen right?

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  • That guy is a car wreck.

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  • Do not see the man.

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  • Perhaps you feel like he's too good for you or that you are not deserving of him. Could that be it?

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    • Definitely not, not to toot my own horn but I don't have an inferiority complex in the slightest and I am quite confident.

    • Ok, just checking cuz you said you are "famously single" so I thought perhaps you might be too used to being single.

      Are you demisexual?

    • People have suggested that I might be but to be honest I'm not sure.

  • Welcome to reality. Most girls don't want the respectful nice person. Need to mix in a bit of asshole to the mix to keep it interesting. Not saying he can't be both, but just being a good person isn't as much of a turn on as people make it out to be.

    As an fyi, most guys don't want the goody-two-shoes girl either.

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  • Are you in the same place you are usually in when entering good relationships? Are you feeling similar to when you are entering bad ones?

    Think harder, are there any characteristics or subtle mannerisms, or habits that you usually can't stand, that you might have brushed off and forgotten? But still fretting in the back of your mind?

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  • No matter how nice they are and good at doing the right things that if there is no chemical attraction it just never seems to work for some reason, you have to have them grow on you to like them that way for awhile

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    • Alright, I'll keep this in mind.

    • Yeah after some time you'll know whether you could see yourself with them if the initial attraction isn't there otherwise your just wasting each other's time if you truly feel you can't get over that feeling

  • You're wasting his time.

    On top of that, he'll likely learn from this and never be so patient or romantic again. Longer you drag this out, more likely he learns that lesson.

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    • I don't think I'm wasting his time at all, because as I said; I have my moments where I do feel more open to him and do feel closer to him, I'm just finding that it isn't as immediate as it has been in the past. Besides, he was kind enough to tell me that even if we never got together, he thinks I'm a good person and would want to continue being friends.

What Girls Said 7

  • Is he TOO respectful? What I mean is does he actually make moves on you? Do you need to feel his unbridled passion for you before you can feel it for him?

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    • He doesn't make as many moves as I'd like. At first he did, now he mostly just repetitively tells me how beautiful I am or sends me romantic/cheesy messages but... few face to face, forward moves.

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    • Id just tell him "hey honey, if you are feeling horny, sometime, you know you can just Amtrack me".

    • Lol * attack. But maybe Amtrack could be a word for it. Loll.

  • He is just not ur type...

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  • If you ever find that person, do your best to hang onto them, for me when a guy is going the extra mile, truly cares for you, he's a keeper. Instincts never fail, so if a person has you feeling some kinda way, act on it. May lose them for good

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  • this guy has no charism i think, i always been attract to charism more than anything and if he has no charism that wouldn't work

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  • You need to choose whether you can overlook his unattractiveness or if you can cope with it. I wasn't attracted-at first to my boyfriend-but after being friends for a long while, I developed an attraction to him. Sometimes it can just happen gradually but other times, it might be bothersome later on. I'd say if you're having this much of an issue, I wouldn't settle for him.

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