Meeting someone who already has kids... would you give it a go?

My friend literally messaged me a couple hours ago asking if I would date a man with kids randomly. I told her that I'd prefer not to go there. Then I discover a man I just met has a daughter (she's 7) and I really want to run in the other direction. I'm surprised that I hadn't asked if he had any kids when I met him, however I didn't have the chance to at the time. Now.. What to do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It isn't as bad for women as it is for men. Men typically bond with the woman, more than their own kids. That is where the stereotype of the evil stepmother comes in. The father is more likely to love the stepmom more than his own child, and she often is unfair to the child. Most mothers won't choose her new man over her own child. Meaning any guy she dates will be the least loved person in their relationship. This makes dating moms much harder on guys. Men just can't bond during pregnancy the way women can, so our bonding with our children is more closely tied to our bond with the woman we are in a relationship with.

    This comes so naturally for guys that many of us are hurt and surprised when we find out our wives actually love our own children more than she loves us. Guys just assume women have bonded to us the same way. As such his kids are likely to only be as much of a burden as you allow them to be. If you aren't willing to be a good step mom then it is better to leave now for their sake, but it is unlikely that his children will be as much of a burden to you, as you would make your children be to a guy.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • With no second thought I want to answer the question. My boyfriend has kids, no one, not two but threw kids. Before I made the decision I already knew he got 3 little kids who all under the age of 10. He confessed once we started deeper conversation. I had no doubt with being with him even he got kids because I know would never find someone that would be that compatible with me, like he is really meant to be. He already introduced his kids to me on the second date which we went to the ice skating rink together. His kids already knew my name since his dad already told them who I am and who I am to him. A few things I found its really important if you decided you are going to date someone with kids. First, you need to consider some social labeling. The kids obviously not yours, can you bear any rumors or jokes that the society might say to you? Then, the other matter is, your family concern. Can you family support you if they know your boyfriends have kids? Last, do you want to own your own kid in the future and how can you balance that out? I already built a strong relationship with the kids, between myself and my boyfriend. It's really important how your boyfriend handle it too. You will learn a lot with the relationship like that. Wish you the best luck ! :)

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What Guys Said 13

  • It's up to you, but frankly, I wouldn't do it. Relationships are quite a responsability by themselves, and throwing in a child is some weight I personally am not up to deal with.

    I've seen my oldest brother get in relationships with women with children, and the secondhand experience has showed me those relationships aren't for just anyone.

    People with children carry a lot of baggage, and you don't know their actual position with their ex (es), until later on. Also, you don't even know if you'll like the kid, and if you end up liking the kid, is a tough position to end up caring for him/her, and then having to break up with the other person.

    There are lots other variables I'm not mentioning, but all in all is a gamble I just wouldn't want to be a part of. Maybe later down the line. I would consider it, who knows, but it's a hard pass for me.

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  • First find out whether you even like the guy.

    Then you need to understand the relationship between him and his daughter. If he is a father in child-support-only, then it is not too important.

    Then you need to find out whether you like the girl.

    Then find out whether you can stand the mom to be in the picture.

    Any one of these can be a deal killer, but not necessarily.

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    • I'm wondering if I should call it a day before feelings get involved (if they do). From the sounds of things he spends time with her and isn't just a money thing. I can't imagine being in that whole scenario, imagining not liking a guys child and not being able to stand his ex girlfriend.

    • You can go through the process before feelings are too strong.

      Some kids are great and adorable. Others are terrors. You might want to know which you are dealing with.

    • Lool yes that's true. Thank you

  • I would not.
    The level of time kids require for good parenting is high and my selfish side wants a girl that can give me more of her time. If she chooses me I won't respect her and if she chooses her kids like she should I won't be happy. So as far as an exclusive relationship I wouldn't entertain the idea. But I would if it's not exclusive. If I had kids myself then I would likely feel differently, but I do not.

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  • Yes, you made a right decision I would say. It's fine , just forget about it.

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  • I am not against dating someone with kids. But I am in that stage where I need to experience my freedom and privacy and so I don't know if I would be what she wants at this point in time.

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  • No they are not my kids and I would have to pay for every single one of them. Its to much

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    • Why would you have to? If the dad is in the picture then they aren't your responsibility.

    • They are out of the picture pretty much Its sad. But while I am paying for everything and that once a month check covers nothing hardly at all from the father

  • Not my cup of tea.

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  • Well if you're really interested in him you should find out what kind of father he is. You can find out a lot about him and It will give you an idea of type of person that he is.

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  • Hard pass sorry.

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  • Hmm well turn him down softly... What else could you do!

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  • nope. except just for one girl on here. i told her this too lol

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  • If you're serious about him. then hang out with his kids and see how it goes. you might just find that you like his kids even more than him.

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  • Give it a chance, could have fell on hard times. A dad and his daughter just trying to make it in this world

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What Girls Said 3

  • Well, if you truly want a fresh start type of deal then yeah you should probably get out before feelings get hurt.

    But some things I recommend looking at if you don't want a 1 size fits all scenario:
    -how often does he have the kid. Some dad's get 50 50, some get primary, some get every other weekend. Lots of possibilities.
    -how much conflict between the ex and him. The more conflict, the more drama, but some divorce parents can be pretty low conflict.
    -how well do you do with kids? At 7, you would not be taking a true parental role any time soon and possibly not ever. At that age it may be more of a friend/favorite aunt type of relationship (be that good or bad for you)
    -and how much you like the guy and his kid.

    But all that depends on if you can be ok with not having a fresh start family. But if you are more concerned about drama or worried about being "dropped in," then I highly recommend treating each single parent situation as it's own unique situation...

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  • Not likely.

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  • Nah, too much baggage.

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