I'm 21 and my girlfriend is 19. We've been dating for a year now and I deeply love and care about her. We were best friends for a year before we started dating and I still always enjoy my time with her even though we've had to get over some bumps. When we started dating she was going to the gym a lot and ate healthy and was in great shape and smoking hot in my eyes. Then a few months in she stopped going to the gym and I thought nothing of it, then she started eating really unhealthily but I didn't have the heart to say anything because she was doing it to cope with stress. Now it's a year in and she's gained 20-25 lbs... To be honest I don't find her psychically attractive anymore but I still love her. Her whole family is overweight and everytime I see her mom I get scared that she'll become like that. I hate being so shallow but I truly can't help it. I'm a fit athletic guy and work to keep it that way. She's only 19 so I see no reason why she shoudl be just letting herself go liek this and think it's very selfish. She doesn't even have the same face as when we started dating and that might be the worst part. How the hell can I convey this to her while upsetting her as little as possible? I planne don marrying this girl but if this is already where we stand and this is only going to get worse then i don't think I can continue with this. Please help
Thank you all for the quick replies and advice. I should have mentioned though that we live 45 minutes from one another so going to the same gym isn't an option sadly unless I shell out for a second membership. However I was able to bring up how working out enhances your mood and she ended up saying she wanted to start going to the gym again next week which is great news! I only hope she keeps it up
If genetic is the issue to make her gain weight very easily then you better end the relationship. She is still young, but after years, the metabolism starts to slow down and if her entire family have overweight issue, there will be a big chance for her to have the same issue too. You can encourage her to work on it like bringing up why don't we have a date in the gym, and before going to the gym you could bring her to a romantic date like eating on the beach or having dinner i a nice restaurant, so that way slowly make her go back to the gym. But again, she won't be in shape after years and years. By that time can you accept it? Girls weight are affected by so many factors, medications, hormones like after giving birth, metabolism, or mood. If you truly like her, compliment her and encourage her. You two are both young and I guess you could work on it :) good luck.
First of all, don't ever feel ashamed or selfish, greedy or shallow to go after what you want. This is why people should date for a few years, to figure out if this person is right for them or not. You are starting to see she isn't so perfect. You have every right to want a partner that you find physically attractive! Don't force yourself to love someone because you feel guilty about turning your back on them. Don't force yourself because you are scared you will hurt her feelings! Trust me! She has to want eat right and exercise on her own! You can't make her! Doing things together is only a band-aid fix and temporary at best. She will just keep getting bigger and bigger! You will get suckered into marrying her because you have been dating for so long, then she will pop out a kid and get even bigger! Then you'll end up being just another middle aged guy looking at hotties wishing you had one! Now is your chance to not get trapped down that road! You need to break up with her! Tell her why. She needs to know how you feel and that there are consequences! It is just like if you became a drunk or gambled all your money away or became abusive, not too many women will stick around. Weight gain is a legitimate reason to leave her. You deserve to be happy too. You deserve to get what you want too!
Suggest doing fun activities like hiking, bike riding, playing frisbee, etc. Tell her you want to get more in shape for summer (even though you're already fit), and ask her if she'll be your gym buddy. Model healthy eating in front of her and she may feel influenced to eat healthy too.
Tell her you're worried that her current methods of coping with stress are unhealthy. Exercise is the best, healthiest way to let off steam so recommend that you guys work out together. And when you have meals together, make sure it's something healthy :)
If fitness is more important to you than love and friendship, then yes... please break up with her now. It's fair that you have your priorities, but it's also fair that she be allowed to find someone who will support her through both good times and bad. If you are only willing to stay with her on the condition that she stays thin for you, because eating 'is selfish', the relationship was over before it began. You never mentioned that you wanted her to be healthy, only that she is no longer hot enough and that you aren't attracted to her anymore. That would lead me to believe that you loved the idea of having a hot girlfriend more than you truly love the girl you planned to marry... until she gained some weight.
Maybe challenge her in a few activities that might help her burn calories and see if you can get her motivated. But if fitness is what matters most to you above all else, you might be happier with someone whose priorities align with yours.
Did she only start going to the gym to get your attention and impress you? If so, this is exactly why you should never try to change who you are just to impress someone, the truth always slips back out.
Omg do u hear yourself ur willing to end things over her weight u said yourself she's dealing with stress so at the time when she needs u the most ur gonna give her shit about her weight try offering her your help go to the gym together if u really do love her you'll help her through this
Tell her you'd like to exercise with her. Invite her along to the gym with you, or take her on long walks around natural places. You can even cook her healthy meals and she'll think you're being romantic.
My best advice to you (based on what I would want my guy to do) is to flat out tell me, "hey, I know your under a lot of stress, but I am finding you less attractive because of this weight your putting on and its causing me stress in our relationship-I love an care for you deeply, but can we please work through this together? if I help you through the stress in anyway you like, can you please keep yourself at a healthy weight?"
she has a big problem and you don't even notice it
Casually ask her to come with you on nature trails or to go biking somewhere then work up from there. Try and get her active, if she gets suspicious tell her honestly about your feelings. Be clear, dont sugar coat it. Im not saying smash her confidence into smitheriens, but tough love may be beneficial. Offer her alternate stress relievers too besides food, find a hobby for both of you to enjoy that will make her physically active again. Make sure to remind her that you love her. You are being a little shallow, but if you look at your thoughts and feelings, and find them based on wanting to help her, then stick by her side. Otherwise you may not really be in love anymore. Being in love and loving someone are very different.
Tell her that you wanna go together with her to the gym or go on hikes with her or any other sports that keep you fit
You can ask her to go to the gym with you again, maybe she just needs to remember how great the gym use to be to her and you can help her by asking her
I used to go to the gym a lot when my girlfriend met me and she loved my physique. Recently, I've fallen off the wagon from stress and school piling up. She told me she finds it sexy when I go to the gym and she subtly offered a reward if I let her know when I'm done if you get what I'm saying. Try Pavlovian conditioning.