I am into a guy who has a girlfriend, what should I do?

Hi there,
I've a crush on a guy who is in a relationship for multiple years, but they live in diff. places.
We've been talking for a year now and he is giving me hot and cold signs..

He is clearly attracted to me and has also confirmed that he likes me and is interested in me... we kind of agreed to be friends, but the flirting has continued...

I think I can't be friends with him given our past history (nothing physical, but highly flirti etc...)

I feel so stuck with this situation and I don't know how to resolve it. I want him, but he doesn't make any effort to break up with her and he is also ambivalent towards me... nice in one second and then strange (I wouldn't say he is different, I think he is confused). I am considering no contact, but since were kind of friends, I would find this mean... he accused me before that I was wrong etc, that he likes me and that I should believe him, but actions are not following. I know that I have to withdraw, but when he texts me next, what am I supposed to do? play it cool, call him out, ignore him?

I feel bad for ignorim him, but he sometimes takes time to answer me... He is inconsiderate and everything is on his terms. I feel that his girlfriend is just kind of a security, but he can flirt with others etc...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I would either forget him and move on (if you can't be friends, have no contact with him anymore) or, tell him he has to choose now between you. Either he ends it with his girlfriend for you or that's it because you now have feelings and you can't ignore them.

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    • so you mean kind of an ultimatum?
      I kind of ended contact before, but we were in touch again, and it was actually nice talking as friends, he was even more attentive when we were offically friends... but he started giving me mixed signals soon after, flirting, teasing, complimenting me etc... he is not very clear about his relationship status and very ambivalent... I dont want to destroy it, but I feel the relationship is not good either. Would someone who was totally happy do that? Or he is just a jerk who is prone to cheating, that's the other possibility...

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    • Maybe they are having problems right now. I'm sure the distance is an issue. I agree with you though, to not want to talk about it, he's either a player or just wants you as a friend. But if it was just as a friend he wouldn't be flirting either. For your own sake, I'm glad you ended it. I think he's only going to hurt you in the long run.

    • He mentioned the distance a few times... but I mean if you can't deal with it, then just leave...
      we're now in a Limbo again, cause when I ended it, we actually became friends after a few weeks, and it went really well, until he startd giving me mixed signals again... it will never stop unless I ignore him I think. Asking him honestly hasn't helped, cause he doesn't want to tell me. He is a player, but unfortunately, he tries to playing games with someone who is aware of that... you all are right.. I've made mistakes too.

Most Helpful Girl

  • The problem here is that you are going after a guy who is in a relationship and is not set on breaking up with his current girlfriend. You will always be on the sidelines. He has no will to change his situation.

    If he wanted to be with you, he could break up with his girlfriend. But he won't. Everything is on his terms. If he is like this now, how is he going to be in a relationship?

    in my opinion this guy doesn't want to break up with his girlfriend. If he did, he would have done that a long time ago. Also, he is willing to flirt with other girls and lead them on to thinking that they may get together sometime. Also a big red flag!

    The best thing you can do is move on from this guy. He's not going to break up with his girlfriend for you. Sorry to say that, but he won't. And do you really want to be with a guy who would flirt with another girl and talk to her for a year behind your back? To me that is just sketchy behaviour.

    It's quite possible he could do the same thing to you. It's better to find a guy who is going to make a move and be your boyfriend rather than wait around on the sidelines while this guy still gets to have his girlfriend too.

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    • but why is he doing this?
      I tried to believe that he was a nice person, and I even told him that he was a jerk, but he is playing the macho etc...
      His mindset is totally different from ours I think... he doesn't make a big deal out of this.

      I also think he will never leave her... he was nice when I rejected him all the times, but when I am willing to be nice to him, he is distant...

      I think he has issues...

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    • *guys who were distant "friends" of mine

    • That's exactly what it is. He has no respect for anyone and is all about himself. His friends and family will eventually see him for who he is. Some of them might also even know, worst part is they may not even care! Would you want to be part of a family like that? I know I wouldn't. If I had a relative like that I would call them on it.

What Guys Said 8

  • Id talk and say you know we have attraction. But i wpnt accept the other girl. When you decide to move on from her for good then reach oit to me and ill see where im at. Otherwise no fuelrther contact because xyz.

    There... u pit up the boundary u are expressing... he know u are quality... and what to do.

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    • think I've messed up there...

  • If he already has a girlfriend then you should stay away from him. You shouldn't keep any contact and don't respond if he tries to contact you. If he indeed likes you and wants to be with you, then let him decide what he wants, he should decide if he wants to choose you or his girlfriend. If he decides to choose you, then let him end his relationship with his girlfriend and then come to you.

    Let him decide on his own, don't help him and don't try to do anything.

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  • Cut contact with him and move on. If he cheats on his girlfriend with you he's a piece of shit and will probably do the same thing to you. Do you want a boyfriend who flirts with other women behind your back? Women...

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  • Leave him alone. He has a girl snd thats a no no. Plus from experiance, if he has a girl but flirts heavy with you. If you became his girl, he'll just do it again with another. It won't change. I've done it, and its been done to me. Dont risk it

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  • Find another guy, that ones taken and startup ing a relationshyp with a breakup is bad jabbajuice

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  • I would say Don't let him cheat her girlfriend ! A cheating or break up always a painful

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  • no! why do you want to destroy their relationship? there are no other boys your country?

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    • what's wrong with you? How am I destroying the relationship? ofc this comes from a guy... so typical. I didn't know about her, he never mentioned it, he contacted me online!!! A guy that is happy in his relationship, would he do this?
      I can't destroy anything, he doesn't own her, nor does she own him..

      This question is more about how to act since we became friends kind of?

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    • nooo I dont wanna settle with a cheater!! you are right!
      but I dont know how to ask him what he wants from me...
      he has already told me that he likes me and is interested in me, and is attracted etc...
      so why the hell is he with her?

    • maybe he's playing it safe? even if he swing for you and miss, he still has got her. if he gets a hold on you, he can leave her. Or maybe he's into only flirting. I see that you're in control of this friendship. so you can directly ask him. ask for direct answers and threaten with blocking if he doesn't comply. if he wants friendship, never give anything other than friendship.

  • Just tell him what you feel, but be nice about it. Stay on good terms

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What Girls Said 10

  • He just sounds like bad news to me. If he's willing to flirt with other girls while in this relationship, I doubt he'll stop in the next one (i. e. possibly with you).
    Waiting around for a person to become available is a waste of time in my opinion. And hoping that things will end badly between them is also rude. I think you're better off finding someone who's actually available and who doesn't flirt with other girls behind his girlfriend's back.

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    • I've dated other guys and was even dating someone on a constant basis, but I just couldnt forget this one...
      I agree with it's not fair, but he is the one who messed up mostly, cause I wasn't aware of his girlfriend from the beginning, that fact was never mentioned by him...

    • It just isn't worth it I think, even if you aren't able to "forget this one". Keep ignoring him. He's being shady.

  • Never go for someone who has a significant other.
    The most he will do is fuck you.
    He will not leave you for her, you will be left heart broken.
    Don't put yourself in that situation.
    Be smart.

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  • You need to move on and leave them alone even if they were living in different countries not places, you don't want to ruin someone's relationship cause someone's will ruin yours one day. You find yourself a single guy who really deserve your feelings, if this guy cheated on his girlfriend he will end up cheating on you too.

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  • "I know that i have to withdraw" ... .. then tell him that. Trust me, there's no worse feeling than feeling you're being dragged by someone you love who doesn't love you back.

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  • Once a man is comfortable in his relationship, he will not leave. You need to move on. He's not a good match for you.

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  • I've been attracted to many guys who didn't like me back lol sorry i dont know. If i were you i would go for it :x

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    • you are probably right and able to look at the facts from afar even though you dont know the context and haven't read the question properly. He is into me, he has even told me and I think I know him a bit better than you. I can very well tell if someone is not into me and then I move on, but in this case, I will move on too, cause this hotd and cold behaviour bores me

  • You should never be into men that are already taken

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    • no, but you can't really tell feelings not to evolve... can you?

    • I would just forget about it and move on because if he is with someone else, your chances of being with him in reality are probably pretty low

  • Do you really want to be with a guy who allows things to get fliration with women that's not his girlfriend? Who is either playing his girlfriend or doesn't respect her enough to break it off?

    If you get together i dont see it lasting. People like to think their exceptional in this situation. But thats almost never the case.

    If you want him you need to set boundries. Ex:
    1. If you stay friends tell me and quit flirting and sending mixed signals
    2. If you really like me you have to break up with your girlfriend or else we can't be friends.

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  • wait till they break up then jump at him

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  • nothing, let her to his girlfriend

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