How do I hold out without rejecting him?

Hello!! I've been dating a guy for more than a month now and we are having a great time so far. I feel really good with him and comfortable and we can laugh and talk about everything :). He is very kind and generous and sweet to me and I like him very much! I've know him for two years, we made out at a party a few times sometime ago, but the dating started recently. However, I've always refused to sleep with him and still am refuising.
This is not because I am prude or anything. I love sex and I can realy let myself go, but I am doing this because of negative experiences in the past, I am being protective of my feelings. I know that when I sleep with a guy I already like, it is very easy for me to fall in love very hard :/ and I am afraid that I will hear nothing from him anymore when I finally sleep with him. Also I don't know if he is seeing anyone else at the moment and I don't want to be just an option. I mean, here in this city with a lot of bars and clubs it is really easy to get laid, so if I wanted to have some kind of meaningless sex I would just hit a bar and pick someone up. I have did that many times in the past, but realised that it wasn't at all satisfying and I am only settling for something deeper and more meaningful and someone who likes me for who I am (mutually ofcourse).

However I can imagine that he is starting to feel rejected... He is so nice and courtish to me and always pays for our dates (even when I insist I want to pay he just grabs his wallet and pays the waiter before I can do anything. Sometimes i pay secretly when he goes to the bathroom haha), so I feel guilty :(. How long should I wait? And should I tell him why I want to wait? What do you guys think :)? Thanks in advance!!!


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think I understand how you feel. You should have a long talk with him and explain what's going through your mind as you did here. You're literally afraid you'll fall in love with him. I think that
    1 he'll feel better knowing that you really care and that you're not holding out to be a tease.
    2 he'll understand how sex affects you and be more understanding.

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    • Thanks for your helpful advice! Allright I shall talk to him, but I don't want to drop a bomb or play a victim or anything haha, so how can I keep this light but make my point clear :)?

    • I don't think this can, or even should be "kept light." This is love, not candlepin bowling we're talking about. I start out by saying, "You know we've been going out for... And you know I care... and I like sex and I know you must be wondering... Well, here's the thing. I'm afraid that when we have sex..."

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think this is very wise and shows a deep understanding of yourself. I think you should share all this with your boyfriend so that he can understand you. I know it can be scary to do, but I find that this is best and most great guys are very understanding (in my experience ) when I'm just honest about such things.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Yes, you should tell this man why you want to hold off on sex. If a guy loves and respects you, then he will wait and won't try to pressure or guilt you into it. If sex is all he's after, you'll notice a change when the possibility of it is removed from the equation. Just have a frank conversation with him about what the two of you want. Get it out into the open.

    I'm old-fashioned when it comes to sex and relationships, so I can't really give advice on when to sleep with someone. I was raised to wait until you're married so that you can avoid baggage in the relationship (no "surprises" popping up or old flames to compare against).

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  • You should go and see a shrink. What you have is not healthy.

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    • A lot of girls actually feel this way Tarvold, but thanks for your advice.

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    • Maybe, but your tone was quite harsh, so I reacted defensively. However I am very happy with my life at the moment, just a liiiitle bit scard to get hurt.

    • Yeah... I'm not dismissing your feelings, but here's the thing. It's not normal to feel this scared and traumatized by your past about something that's supposed to be fun. It is something that should be taken seriously, but at the same time, that's a lot of heavy stuff to deal with, and it's not fair for the guy you're dating to have to carry it all at the start of your relationship.

      Which comes back to my original advice. See someone professional about this. Get it sorted, and move on to a happier and healthier life with your new boy.

      Good luck.

  • Ask him straight up if he's seeing other people. Tell him you aren't. See if he wants to be more formally a couple.

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What Girls Said 0

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