I love him, but I’m not sexually attracted to him?

Hi, I know this is going to receive a lot of judgment, but it’s a question I have to ask. I recently got into a relationship with a guy that wasn’t my usual type after he relentlessly pursued me and showed me love and affection like no other guy did. At first it was overbearing, but he was incredibly romantic, patient, and thought that I was literally perfect. I never had that before, and with some prompting from friends and loved ones (who saw him as the perfect guy) I asked him out and we began dating.

He’s great, don’t get me wrong. He’s patient, he’s down to earth, and he constantly compliments me and tells me how much he cares about me. But, there’s one problem; when it comes to being physical with him, it doesn’t feel … right.

He’s inexperienced and awkward, so that makes intimacy even worse, but even when he finds the guts to make a move, I always pull back because it feels so uncomfortable. Even making out with him I seem to have to force it, which I’ve never had to do before. The few times we’ve tried to be sexual he did nothing for me, no matter how hard he tried. It just felt uncomfortable and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. We are basically intimate for his satisfaction, not my own, though I haven’t told him this.

What confuses me is I love him to death; I miss him when he’s gone, I love being close to him, cuddling him, and spending time with him and having a relationship with him … but when it comes to sex, I’ve never felt so incapable of being physical with a guy before. I should say also that he isn’t unattractive at all.

I’m so confused because I’ve been sexually attracted to every other guy I’ve been with, except him. What the honest fuck is wrong with me?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. The question should not be "what is wrong with me?" because there is nothing wrong with you. The question should be "what can I learn about myself from this?"

    He looks like a great guy, and it's too bad you're confused. I'm sure there are lots of people telling you to break it off, but it looks as though you do have some genuine feeling for him and you see him as valuable, so I would advise you NOT to break it off. Instead, tell him he's wonderful and be specific: tell him the things about him that add value. Then say there is a sexual problem. Offer to teach him and see if he listens.

    If he gets all butthurt and isn't open to change, your relationship is in trouble. If he is open to your concerns and willing to work on them, give him a chance. Nobody is perfect, but we do have an uncanny ability to adapt.

    The other trouble sign might be if you find someone else and feel compelled to cheat. If something like that happens, be sensitive to your current guy. HE didn't do anything wrong (did he?). Don't cheat on him, it might destroy him for the next girl (s). Break it off, and be nice about it.

    If you teach him some great sexual technique in the meantime, then you're training him for a great life that the next girl (s) will/should be grateful for!

    Keep it positive. Good luck! :)

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    • Here's the problem: I'm just an inexperience as he is.

    • OK. We all have to start somewhere. Why is that a problem?

Most Helpful Girl

  • Please don't listen to all the people who are telling you to break up with him. I'm not saying that's not an option you should consider, BUT if I were you I certainly wouldn't be in a hurry to do so. Generally, women can develop attraction to a man as long as he's fulfilling her emotional needs. Men tend to NEED that element of physical/sexual attraction to fall head over heels for a girl---women, not so much.

    Most women would inherently be MUCH happier with an average guy that treats her special than a hot charming guy who doesn't, yet what do many do? Keep the average guy who'd give her the world as a friend, then wonder why they're unhappy or insecure in their relationships.

    I strongly suggest you give it time and allow your feelings for him to continue to develop. You mentioned you'd never had a guy treat you the way this guy does before---that's because it's very hard to come by. Most guys just fall head over heels for one girl, and view the rest as okay options. And what it seems like many women fail to realize is that there's NOTHING you can do to make yourself that "one girl" for a guy---you just have to wait until you come across one who happens to feel that way about you, and one the dumbest decisions you can make is to let that one go.

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What Guys Said 22

  • I wouldn't be surprised if, because of how strongly you feel for him, and he feels for you, there is a certain level of emotional stress on your end that is making you overthink things.
    You need to find a way to relax and just let what happens happen. because it sounds like you want it to happen.

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  • This isn't going to work at all. No amount of ideal behavior can substitute for that spark of sexual attraction.

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  • I think you already know the answer. If you feel like you can't connect with him on that level then he is more of a friend than a lover. Also you may enjoy some parts of the intimacy like cuddling and so on but maybe its just bc you like cuddling and not that its with him. I think its best if you really consider the future of your relationship.

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  • He sounds like a great guy, and someone that would be a great friend, but since you gave into pressure and let him out of the friend zone it'll be tough to hit the reset button. Basically, you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

    When it comes to love/intimacy these things are matters of the heart and can't be solved by logic or mental gymnastics. It sucks but I think the longer you let it drag on the harder it's going to be on both of you when things inevitably don't work out.

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    • If he suddenly gained confidence and was more natural/comfortable with the way he touches you and in initiating things sexually overall, do you think that would help? Like, do you think it's a *him* issue that if he could fix would make you more sexually attracted to him, or do you think it's more of a *you* issue where no matter what he does you're just not going to feel that sexual spark?

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    • It's a pretty fascinating situation though... I have so many questions in a curiosity kinda way. Good luck figuring it all out.

    • Thanks much.

  • It doesn't really matter what's the matter with you, if anything, it just doesn't work. Be nice, be kind, but be final, and say goodbye.

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  • Relationships have evolved over the years. Its not simply the white knight and princess, make babies and I'll love you till death do us part.

    Now its connecting on various levels that need to be checked off before you truly love. The biggest reason is there's so many people and you can easily find that sexual and good guy connection just by looking left or right

    You choose how you want to live. good luck

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  • You're not attracted to him. That is all there is to it, and that will most likely never change. Shame.

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  • Just because you feel that way (or not) does not mean anything is wrong with you. It is probably just what you said about him being inexperienced and awkward. The fact that you feel differently about this guy might even be a positive thing seeing him in another way. If it doesn't feel right for you, that is clearly a sign for your relationship. As for how you choose to proceed, I have no answer for you...

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  • So sex isn't working after what... 2 months? I've heard people say that sex got better after years of practice, and that was married couples. You can't expect to match instantly with anyone, but don't give up on him yet, things might turn for the better.

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    • It isn't so much that the sex just sucks, it's that I have no intimate attraction to him whatsoever.

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    • Because it's kinda retarded to get into a relationship with someone that you don't feel at least some kind of sexual attraction to?

    • It's not retarded to enter a relationship with two virgins who enter it for love.

      Honestly I think you're too naive for me to even regard you seriously after that statement.

  • It's fine. You're just not attracted to him. Do you and him a favor and tell him the truth.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVR-BPdStxE

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  • Its not meant to be. Your tried. Didn't work. No one can blame you. Be honest with him about your feelings

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  • You are with you wrong person... Your are with him because of his relentless pursuit... That's why you should break up with him immediately...
    Don't wait more... Just breakup...
    He deserves better

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  • I'm not sure. Maybe see a therapist? Find out why you can't find him sexually attractive, as it seems you don't really know yourself as much as you think.

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  • I seriously have no idea, It's very much possible, but I have been sexually attracted to every person I'd been in love with even when I never saw them that way before.
    I think your body gives in to lust sooner or later.

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    • It's been two months. How long is it supposed to take?

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    • No. He has actually. And it does nothing for me.

    • What? You don't get turned on when touched? XD Well, I guess there's a little problem then.
      If you have any fetishes ask him to try that.

  • Nothing really. You love the attention, the positive feedback from this guy. But if you dont feel phyiscally attracted to him well sorry, but he's not for you.

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  • Be his friend

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  • let him go then. let him get another girl who is sexually attracted to him

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  • You guys are just friends

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  • You don't love him like you think you do

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  • Nice guy hits again?

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  • Ha ha I love this.

    The typical woman! I'm not judging you poorly, I'm just glad one of your kind finally has the balls (well, figuratively) to be honest about what really matters and concede the truth.

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  • This is a hard question but have you ever liked role playing maybe that might help

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What Girls Said 12

  • It seems like you love the attention that he gives you. You can't force yourself to be attracted to anyone. You knew from the beginning that you weren't attracted to him, but you got fed off the attention. And you wanted more and more. What better way to way to get more? Get into a relationship with him. Which was never fair to him. And kinda messed up on your part. You're settling and neither of you deserve that.

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    • But I do care about him though, that's the thing. I go out of my way in fact to be a good girlfriend to him and I've helped him emotionally and financially. It was never one sided.

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    • Yeah you have a point.

    • Yeah it's tricky and I'm sorry that you're going through it. Best of luck to you.

  • That's sad. :( I'm really sorry you're in this situation. I think you know that it's not right to continue with this. I believe you truly love him and you love spending time with him, but there's something missing. It sucks, I know... It sucks that if it wasn't because of that (important) detail, you both could have been so happy.
    However, it's time to be honest with him and let him go. You won't be happy in this relationship, nor will he be if he starts feeling that you always step back whenever things get physical. You shouldn't keep with this, there's nothing you can do if you don't feel atrracted to him. Maybe you can still be friends. It'll be hard, but I think he deserves the truth. Good luck

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  • I'd like to make a suggestion. Before ending things, it might be interesting to really give it a shot first. Next time you guys are kissing or fooling around, try to get really into it or at least act like you are. Grab onto his hair and nibble his neck, etc. See if you can overcome this mental block type thing by pretending for a moment that it doesn't exist.. Just give it a shot and see how you feel because maybe it's just all in your head.

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  • So, he's not your usual type, but he's cute. He's inexperienced sexually/don't even want to make out... You NEED chemistry to make it work. That's what is missing. I hate to say it... but I've felt this way too a few times. Like, a few guys I found sexy... but I didn't like their personality. Other guys were not cute... but they had a good personality. But--for a sexual and romantic relationship; you need both. Yeah... you can love without being IN love. What you are feeling is attachment... That's why you miss him. Can anything be fixed? Or is the relationship doomed? (*Human Development and Family Studies major/psychology minor)

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  • Let him go. He deserves to be with someone who wants to fuck his brains out. Someone who thinks he's perfect too. Breaking up will be tough. He will definitely be scarred forever, but you can't keep taking this stuff. It's not right.

    Unfortunately this is how the world is. He loves her, she loves some other guy, that other guy wants some other girl.

    It's all an endless cruel cycle.

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  • Honestly it's up to you, if sex is something you find important, then i don't see the point in continuing the relashionship, if you both would be okay without since you like each other so much then yeah. It's up to you honestly

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  • You don't love him.

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  • You like him as a friend, that is why.

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  • Sex is needed in a healthy relationship. If you love someone but you're not sexually attracted to them then they're your friend and nothing more.

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  • yea, I've been their. I liked him thought he was hot BUT no sexual attraction. You have known him for a while so you should have learned to be sexually attracted to him and you haven't. Dont pursue it anymore.

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  • You love him as a friend.

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  • Why don't you discuss it with him? Let's be honest, he is inexperienced, which means he probably sucks at it. Why don't you tell him what you like and what you don't like? That is something that can be fixed.

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