I have a really strange issue. People keep saying that the only way to get a woman to see a man romantically, is if he makes his romantic intent clear from the beginning. In my case, I don't develop attraction towards a woman until I have known her reasonably well, and by that time, it is usually too late because she can't see me as anything more than a friend. For me, a woman's personality and nature matters much more than looks, and that's the reason why I don't see a woman and immediately think that I should date her.
Due to this issue of mine, I have fallen for female friends several times, and ended up disappointed. Before you say that I befriended them just to get into their pants, please save yourself the trouble. I just can't get attracted to women, no matter how they look, until I get to know them well as friends first, and I never befriended women with the intention of dating them at some point.
So do I have to just accept the fact that I have to remain single forever, since I don't feel attracted to anyone without getting to know them as friends first? Or is there something I can work on?
I never confessed to any of those female friends I fell for, except one (who turned me down as expected).
Sounds distinctively demisexual. I haven't personally had this problem and I am very much the same, because while I am the type to only date people I have gotten to know well, I have always ended up dating men who either pursued me and were patient enough to get to know me, or I have made moves on people who I considered friends and got good feedback. I guess it just depends on what kind of friend you are to them; if you are a distinctively platonic, non-sexually threatening friend you will have a much harder time convincing a friend to give you a shot than you would if you presented yourself in a less platonic light. How you go about that is up to you.
First and foremost I suggest actually confessing to the people you end up liking and be cool about it, maybe even explain your situation: You only fall for women you get to know on a friendlier/deeper level, and you want to get to know them romantically. Or perhaps try making a move or ask them out when you get the slight inclination that there might be something more between you. Don't be afraid to playfully flirt either - just make it so that when you pop into their heads they don't immediately look at you as "that one friend who would never make a move."
I would say keep doing what you are doing, and don't listen to some of these fools that tell you that you are wrong!! I feel the same, and I need to KNOW her, and respect her, and like her, share interests, and just be 'friend's' before I really get excited by her, in a more sensual way!! It's the hardest, most difficult way to go, but when you find that ONE, it's like what do we do for our 50th anniversary kind of thing. You won't be single forever. Trust that she is out there, and just meet a lot of people, and be open, maybe taking some classes, like cooking, or some craft you like.
So you are saying that in a dating situation you act the way you act with these girls you befriend? Sooooo, what is the distinguishment between the girls you befriend and ones you want to date? NONE. You can't date a girl without becoming friends first and getting to know them so it only makes sense you end up liking the girls you become friends with! See what I am saying? You don't know until you are already friends if you would like them. And now you are friends with all of them... and now you realize you like them... Huh?
Hey fellow demisexual person! Don't sweat it, even if you start out as friends first, it can always blossom into something more with a little luck. Don't be afraid of taking some risks. It might make your friendship awkward for a while if you confess/ask them out and they reject you, but then it'll be easier to move on since you know for sure that you don't have a chance. And if it "ruins" your friendship, then I'd argue that your friendship wasn't very strong to begin with. Don't take yourself so seriously and try to laugh it off. Things will only feel awkward if you make them awkward.
Of course you don't have to stay single. I know looks don't matter to you (and I'm sure that's 90% true) but let's face it, we all have a type usually.
If you ever meet another woman who might have characteristics that you usually like in women, then let her know from the start before there is any chance for something more than friendship, you want to get to know her because personality, future goals, similar interest etc is very important to you.
That way you always have the option to date them if you fall for them.
It's called demisexuality --- I feel the same way. it can be a huge obstacle. I guess we should just try harder - maybe go in with the romantic notion and see if it develops into something real. If it doesn't then you know it's not meant to be.
I'm the same way with guys. Like if a hot guy walks by, I'll think, "Wow, he looks good" but if I actually have a crush it's always on a friend. So it's not abnormal. I think being friends first is good anyway. I'm sure that eventually you'll have a female friend who likes you back. It'll just take time. But the saying about men needing to make a romantic intention in the beginning isn't true.. at least not for me. I get weirded out if guys I don't know try to be romantic with me
I have only ever dated men I have been friends with first, aside from my very first boyfriend and we did not last long at all. I absolutely have to get to know someone before I can see them romantically, even if I find them attractive, because I don't like casual relationships based off of simple physical attraction. So, there are women out there who are like that, but you should eventually make it known that you are interested in her romantically. You have to take a chance, even if it means rejection, otherwise you will never know, especially if she is like most women and do not want to take the first step.
Some of the happiest couples I know started off as friends and weren't expecting anything to turn into a relationship but it did. My best friend and her husband started off as friends but then it lead to a relationship and eventually a marriage. I have two other friends who it was the same thing. They met at a kayaking club in college, formed a friendship and that eventually led to a relationship and marriage.
I would say instead of relying on online dating sign up for clubs, volunteering, sports, etc so you can meet new people and make new friends and who knows maybe you will meet that special someone. As my best friend points out it happens when you least expect it.
Well, I think its great that you care more about getting on with the girl first and knowing her personality. And by the way, somethime's I have been friends with a guy for ages, and not seen the 'real him', then it's knocked me by surprise when I realise just how great the guy is and then it turns out it was the same for him and we both feel mutually, and go out dating. There was a change when I think we just actually started speaking about things we want in life, and realised the other person was great. So yeah, don't say anything, be friends for ages, and then if/when you start liking the girl, act abit differently, start having proper conversations, not just the fun laughing about ones, and test the ground subtially. I really didn't think my boyfriend (ex nnow but that's besides the point), who was a friend at the time, liked me other than friends! I just didn't know!
You sound like a sweet guy. I wouldn't write off the prospect establishing a solid foundation with someone first, as it takes the pressure off, and also because some of the best relationships start off as friendships.
For whatever it's worth, my boyfriend and I were in a 15 YEAR friend zone before we ever dated! We were super good friends who grew up together, and then one day, something just CLICKED.
I'm a girl and I'm the same way. I will be friends with a guy for quite a while. Then I gain feelings for him. But usually by that time I believe it's too late because I'm out in the friend zone. I mean a few times I did date guys who were good friends, but our relationship stayed really basic. I found it was best when I first met a guy to put myself out there and form a crush on them before a friendship. (if that makes sense) when I did that I ended up having better relationships.
Nothing wrong with that you're a demisexual. It's kind of special because it is rare. I feel like your type of attraction is where true love can blossom because you actually care about the person at the core of their being. Unfortunately you are having trouble finding a reciprocation.
I actually think that sounds sweet. In the quest to find someone who mutually cares and likes you the way you do, you are going to bump into many who aren't "the one." That's how it works. A lot of it is just luck. I think it is possible to fall for a friend and have it work out, but you maybe need to let yourself get into more "intimate" settings with the person to see if the spark is there and be willing to try again or let go if it doesn't work. Like, 1on1 time doing something is a good way. That's what kinda sets the stage for romance I would say, even if you've known the person for a while. People are different 1on1 than they are around their friends so capitalize on that.
I'm the same why although I don't find it weird that he would want to be friends first. To me it makes more sense that way. I only start falling for a guy after I know them well as friends. Eventually I think you'll find a girl that feels the same way and you've only said it once, so just don't give up.
To be honest, I think it's only normal. But what I would advise you is to drop hints to them. And if they are feeling the same, you can take things further. It's only natural to fall for your best friend of the opposite sex.
I usually fall for friends too, but the main point is to always keep some sexual tension in the friendship. With new female friends, flirt enough to keep it a possibility but not too much so it's clear you're just friends for now.
When trying to date an existing friend, build it up slowly. More eye contact, standing closer, don't act too different but build the tension with subtle changes.
Lastly, friendly flirting is a thing. It's fun and harmless and keeps options open at the same time.
It is impossible to not like someone you do not see as physically attractive. To say looks don't matter is ridiculous unless you are blind. Looks are the first thing that draws in a person to get to know them. You don't love them you are just in love with idea of being in love. You fall for any woman who shows she is caring and nice
I was always the exact same way basically up until my current girlfriend. Based on my experience, here would be my recommendations:
1. If you have a crush on a friend and they are single, don't write off the feelings as a never going to happen thing. The subject of my biggest crush on a female friend rejected me when I asked her out, and while it hurt a lot, it let me move past my feelings for her and our friendship has grown closer than ever since. On the other hand, going after several of my other friend crushes as led to a short relationship with one, making out with another, and hooking up with a third (and only screwed up one of the three friendships in the process), so don't think that a girl you're friends with will never give you a chance.
2. For me, when I got to the point of wanting to actually date, it helped for me to change the framework in which I thought of new girls I was meeting to introduce the idea of a romantic relationship with the girl even if I didn't know if I was attracted to her yet. The first stage of any relationship (friendship or romantic) is the getting to know you stage. So with that, if you meet a girl who you think you might develop feelings for, ask her out. You'll get to know her faster on a date or two than hanging out as new friends. This way, if feelings develop, you're already dating so there is no issue. On the contrary, if they don't, then you can honestly say that you aren't feeling it and either just be friends with her or move on entirely.
That's my two cents. Hope you find it at least a little helpful
i can definitely agree with you to an extent. i can find a girl attractive but i don't see her as a potential partner until i get to know her further.
it is a difficult way to go about meeting people because, as you said, often times once you've established that friendship it's hard to transition to a romantic relationship, especially when the friendship is valued so much
i think you need to make it a point of expressing your feelings to these women. even if you just sort of lay out on the table how you typically enter into relationships (getting to know someone >>> leading to romantic relationship) it will at least help make your intentions clearer
O that is a tough problem. I have had the same one recently and like you it did not go over well. It is really hard to find a woman that you can look at and go Yes I want to date her. It is easier to just be her freind. If it happens again take your time letting her know that you have romantic feelings for her. Slowly start flirting with her. Do it with you freinds, her freinds, randomly. Eventually someone will tell her if her does not get the hint that your into her. You can't just one day say that you have developed feelings for them. They feel betrayed when you tell them that. I suggest joining a Church young adult group or some other small group where you have to get to know poeple as freinds. Many churches even encourage poeple to try and look to their freinds for a mate. You will find a girl eventually don't worry. Just remember to break it to them slowly or wait a year from meeting them and send the a lovely small Valentine with a nice poem inside.
I think it is good you know yourself and your challenge. there is nothing wrong with that, I actually think it is good. I would make your intent and pattern known up front, I would think some women would appreciate that... I know some that would. The more you communicate with them the better off you will be... that way they don't jump to assumptions and friendzone you.
Simple. Flirt with every girl that you meet, so that the idea of you being a future possibility is always there in the back of their mind. So when you do develop feelings you can just show intent. Presenting yourself as a man should be a regular part of your life. Flirting without intention is still a positive thing. Girls like to feel girly around guys, even if they're just a friend. I have female friends that I'll wink at or pickup and lift in the air when I hug them and they love it. Giggling and blushing. You can give girls those feelings without pursuing them for more.
Being friends first is okay and you can still form a romantic connection later. The problem is that you have trouble showing your romantic side and get stuck in the friendzone. Its a lot harder break out of the friendzone and then be romantic than it is to start off romantic from the beginning.
So its okay being friends first if you wish but work on being seen as a potential boyfriend bc if she sees you only as a friend then its not going to work out.
don't treat your female friends the same way you treat your guy friends. Females have slightly warped idea about friendship. Confuses the hell out of most guys. You should always have more guy friends... And if your female friends start to really take liberties with your time... you could always ask them to help you bang their friends.
People here are full of shit. Girls who are your friends are never going to be with you. You can only sit around and watch them hook up with some other guy. I don't have the solution for your problem man, but I can tell you that this way it doesn't work and it never will. I've been there
You are perfectly normal. There is nothing you can do about this. As for being single forever I think that's a tad exaggerating.
I understand what you mean. I am exactly same. I don't know what should we do. It's literally impossible to just like someone like others do. Getting approached by a random person doesn't really help either.
I don't believe that you or I will remain single forever. For example, I was approached by two girls A & B. B was one of my best friends. I had to reject B's approach because I was in love with another best friend C. Shit happens! I don't regret rejecting B because it was the right thing to do.
There are two possibilities: Either you've to approach a friend and hope that she reciprocates your feelings in similar manner. OR A female friend approaches you. Then you have to "try" to build the romance based on the friendship. It shouldn't be hard as you already have rapport with her as a friend.
As abundantlyrich said, its just emotional attachment. Yes, true it's the most important thing in a healthy relationship, but you're not into a relatiknship. So , you go out and fuck someone's brain out and see how that emotional attachment vanishes in a couple of days.