I started dating my boyfriend when I was 14, the summer going into my freshman year. Throughout the first year we dated I kissed a couple other guys and gave one a HJ, I on and off flirted with this guy during the first year of my relationship. I know I was young, and stupid and immature. As I grew up I learned to forgive myself because I was so young. Ok well here we are 5 years later, I'm a sophomore in college and have terrible anxiety and depression because my dad has cancer and I just lost my grandfather. Now I feel like a terrible person and I serious hate myself for what I've done. My mom says not to say anything because I was young and had no idea what what a real commitment was. But as our relationship gets stronger and stronger I don't know how to forgive myself again. What if I get married to him but my relationship is just based off of a huge lie? I'm sorry if this sounds crazy but my anxiety is just really bugging me and I can't stop ruminating about this. My therapist says as time goes on I will learn to live with it because right now it's just an obsession related to my anxiety and depression. I just need further opinions, please be nice to me, I don't like myself as much as it is.
Most Helpful Guy
I'm honestly not sure that you should. I think that there's a lot more to be lost here than gained. It's clear that your boyfriend means a lot to you. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic, but I don't see much good coming from this, if any at all.
Has this depression and anxiety been caused by the guilt from what you did? If so, I think what you need is not so much therapy, but FORGIVENESS. I'm not sure what others have told you, but more than "let it go, you were young", I think you need someone to look you in the eye and say "I forgive you."
I say this because when I'm stung by remorse for things that I've said or done, I go to Confession, do my penance, and then I feel better. I go forward with the confidence that I don't need to carry that guilt with me anymore. I can quite literally start over.
Like I said, it seems like most others are just saying "forget about it already." You need someone to forgive you. I think that will be the greatest help to you. It needs to be someone other than your boyfriend though. I don't know him, but I just think there's too much to risk if you tell him.1
Most Helpful Girl
Normally I would say to just forget about it because it was a long time in the past and you're a totally different person now, and agree with your mom that there's no point in bringing up something hurtful from like 5 years ago. But it sounds like it really is eating away at you. If it hurts you this much to keep it from him, I think at least for your own peace of mind you should tell him. It might hurt him, and he might feel like that's enough to break up with you, just be aware of what the consequences are, and be prepared to deal with them.2