Do extremely intelligent guys want girls who are equally intelligent?

I'm pretty intelligent and all through my life I've been told that but I recently met a guy who's muchhhhh more intelligent than me. He basically beats me in all the academic subjects we both have except for literature and art/photography. We're both the comp sci majors too at different unis and even his uni is much better ranked/more selective than mine. I really love his personality but every time I think about approaching him in turn off cause I'm worried I'm too dumb for him. I hate feeling this insecure and normally I woupsnt care about a small difference but this guy is much better at coding than I am too.

Updates:
I would like to thank everyone who has taken the time to answer. THANKS EVERYONE! C:
Also I reread my description and I have a lot of typos haha. I surprised no one pointed them out and accused me of being less intelligent than I claimed. Sorry bout the typos though cause I did this in a rush.
I feel a lot better about approaching him after all the answers from everyone here so thanks for the support and encouragement! I'll be asking him out soon!

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Most Helpful Guy

  • There's a lot into it, but generally I would say no.

    While intelligence is a big factor into liking someone (since you want them to have a similar perspective as you have, similar tastes, ideologies, etc.) it doesn't determine what love is or is not. Normally, if you're extremely intelligent you wouldn't want to date the dumbest girl/boy in your university - but what if somehow, just somehow, they fulfill you and make your days happy? That's when their intelligence is truly irrelevant, since you're focusing in their personality now; which creates long lasting relationships. Moreover, people usually dislike to be surpassed in any way, and while sharing common ideas and thoughts with someone equally, having contrast and differences every now and lead can lead to an even healthier relationship.

    Those are my thoughts; I tend to think a lot about it, since I consider myself intelligent (comp sci too, 3.9 gpa), and while I do want an intelligent partner, I don't really focus too much on it.

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    • Well when we speak I feel pretty equal to him but then I take a step back and observe all the programming langaues he knows comparing it to the ones I know and I kinda feel like I have to somehow get on the same level as him. At my school I was pretty much on the same level as the other guys but with this guy he's a whole nother level and I'm having trouble not being intimidated. It's not even his fault either. He's never talked down to me before or rubbed the fact that he's going to Duke in my face like some other kid did about his going to Cornell. I guess it's just my own insecurities in the end that makes me want to stay away from him even though he has a great personality.

    • Remember: you're dating him, not applying for a job. It's admirable that a person has a lot of expertise, but at the end of the day, a romantic relationship is a social thing. The quality of your time together is what he should interested in, not your career. If you're laughing and smiling a lot, having engaging conversations, and sharing activities you both enjoy, he's probably going to be happy.

    • @Dandeus Thanks for the wisdom! I think my problem is I'm always approaching things too logically. Being a programmer doesn't help that either lol cause one of the first things we learn is that logic is the foundation computer science.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Ok, so he's better than you at academic subjects... whatevs. That means absolutely nothing as far as whether he's actually more *intelligent* than you.

    Is he actually more INTELLIGENT than you?

    Does he apprehend the world with a sharper eye than you?

    Is he a better problem solver than you?

    Does he see things from more, and more diverse, angles than you do?

    Is he better at reading people than you are?

    Is he better at getting along with people, and with getting people on board with his goals, than you are?

    Can he examine and change faulty assumptions faster than you can?

    Can he look at what he's doing, objectively, and see what's working and what isn't, and change the things that aren't working, more efficiently than you can?

    Etc.

    That's ACTUAL "intelligence".

    Does he outshine you in THOSE things? If so, then you can legitimately say that he's "smarter" than you.
    If not, then this is just bullshit book-smarts, and, THE MOMENT you leave that school campus, that will not matter at all anymore.
    At all.

    Not at all.

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    • Answer to all the questions you asked would be no he doesn't. And you're right c:
      Thanks for making me feel better!

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    • Tx for the MH luv <3

    • Thanks for the advice!!

What Guys Said 27

  • If I like her, and we relate, I don't care if she is 'brilliant' or a 'genius' but she has to be able to keep up, and understand my sense of humor.
    I prefer SMART, NERDY types with glasses, that don't know how AMAZINGLY HOT they are, just being really smart, and wearing glasses.
    When we can talk about serious things, rather than who won on Dancing with the Stars, or who's the biggest btch one some 'Housewives' show, that's just like foreplay!!
    Smart women are a lot more fun!! And you have something to share, in the future: Beauty fades and stupid is forever!! Smart women are the best!!

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    • Yeah I can keep up with him. He's one of those guys who's super gifted but likes to tell dumb jokes so the two of us are always exchanging jokes like that and teasing each other. We're almost never serious around each other unless we're working on a project cause he gets really into his coding.

    • He might not just be the right one, for you. That's OK, but hard to part, sometimes. Maybe there is a better one out there, that wants to share more, with you, rather than exclude you. dating is about finding someone that you want to be with, that makes you feel good, and happy!! If he can't do that, consider moving on to someone who will!

    • Oh it's not like he excludes me when he codes haha. I mean he gets really focused on his coding and I love that about him so I usually just step to the side and program my part too. When we're not programming then we're joking around and acting like idiots LOL it's really fun with him. He does make me happy but his scholarly superiority bothers me cause I get insecure about that difference between us.

  • It's not something I *require*, but when I can find a smart girl, I definitely appreciate her mind. I've dated plenty of girls with average intelligence too, and that's no problem, but I struggle with the dumb ones. I struggle with dumb guys as well.

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  • Your not dumb compared to him your just not as good in school as he is. You also have to factor in creativity. I suck at school but I can come up with great ideas and draw amazing images that most intelligent people would never even dream of.

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    • That's great! And yeah before I started programming I actually wanted to be an animator so I drew a lot years before I learned my first programming language.

    • I'm glad you liked it. I wish you luck approaching him.

  • It doesn't matter to me, it more so depends on her over all personality. I prefer strong values and character over competitive IQ's.

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  • Well not necessarily but it might be true to some extent.

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  • To answer your question: yes.
    It would be irrational to be involved with a female who would produce children who were less intelligent than myself.
    Also, I would want a partner. I would not want to feel as though I was dealing with the intellectually disabled, which is how it feels when I am forced to interact with the bulk of the population.

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    • Hm. Like I said in my description, I'm pretty smart and I go to a competitive uni but not nearly as competitive than his. We're both comp sci majors but he's much better at programming than I am cause he's had 8 years worth of practice while I've only had 4. Aside from him being more booksmart than me, when we interact I feel equal so I guess mentally we can vibe. It's just when look at his educational "stats" (for lack of a better word) I feel like I'm not good enough for him. So I'm out situation it wouldn't be like I'm asking him to date an idiot.

    • Absolutely not an idiot. You seem to be well matched.

    • Haha thanks! I hope so

  • This question is evidence of a total disconnect between the way men and women think. Men don't really care what you do for a living or what you know. They are going to be more attracted to how caring, attentive, and engaged you are with their emotions.

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    • Haha the thing is he's not as good as I am at expressing his emotions. Ultimately he's more booksmart than me and I was dumb enough to let that bother me enough to consider avoiding him.

    • Your book smarts wouldn't let you see the simple answer, so no sweat. :)

  • She doesn't have to be *equally* as smart as me, but her eyes can't glaze over when I'm talking to her about more complex things. Above average intelligence at least.

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    • Yeah I have no problem carrying a convo with him. It's just academically and as a programmer he outperforms me. Before I asked this question it really bothered me even though he's never done anything to make me feel inferior but so far the answers people have left really helped.

  • Of course

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  • I like to think them in pretty intelligent, but as long as someone isn't just stupid that's fine with me. Someone who's around an intellectual equal, but with s fair amount of room both sides, and bearing in mind intelligence isn't just academic.
    I'd rather someone who feels intelligent in conversations than someone who does particularly well academically

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  • Well if they're like myself. They'd indeed enjoy a girl who could challenge them intellectually.

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  • Let me tell you a secret. Guys have no problem with "stupid girls". Guys have problem with bimbos and burned out girls. The ones who cannot hold a conversation, expect us to constantly shower them with topics and girls who cannot entertain themselves. So you being slightly lower on an academic scale that is highly unlikely anyways doesn't mean jack shit as long as you dont play dumb. you're more emotionally intelligent than he is anyway...

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    • Yeah I'm pretty good at keeping myself busy. Before we met I was pretty much 100% set on remaining single while I finish out my last year of high school but then I got to know him and he's one of the few people whose sense of humor meshes well with mine. Thanks for taking the time to answer!

  • It actually depends on the guy... not considering myself extremely intelligent or average...

    I would go for a girl who is as intelligent as me, but it would be okay even if she is not... the only thing she needs to do be there for me always!

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  • I married a woman that was smarter than me and I am someone that is very smart. If that tells you anything..

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  • Absolutely.

    In your case, I'd say he'd probably still be interested in you since you are smart. Go for it.

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    • Or MAYBE he's still interested in her since you're a nice girl with a great personality who is not superficial at all...

    • *you typo

    • @Mesmaeker Haha thanks for that! You might be right then cause when we met I was the one who first welcomed him into my group of friends and we have similar senses of humor.

  • Intelligence is a pretty huge factor for me but I would not say it's everyone's deciding factor. I say go for it.

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  • Ideally, yeah, but there just aren't that many extremely intelligent people out there so it would be very limiting to confine potential partners to those equally as intelligent.

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    • I feel like he would be able to find someone equally intelligent at his uni though. Duke is super selective (like 35% more selctive than my uni) and based on student accounts the student body there is generally highly intelligent and attractive.

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    • Cornell kids are just like that. They don't shut up about it. Having been a computer scientist surrounded by folks from MIT, Caltech, Stanford Carnegie Mellon, etc. I can tell you nobody cares where you do your undergrad because by and large there isn't much difference between the schools in the Top 50 or so.

    • @AssJacket I was planning on applying to CMU but my parents don't trust me far away so I'm limited to schools in the NY area. But I made a deal with them that for my grad years I could apply as far as I wanted to go.

  • It shouldn't make any difference how educated you are now should it? Presumption on an academic level. 😝

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  • Intelligence is only a small part of how two people get along. Don't let it stop you from getting with this dude.

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    • As an example, my SO is an extremely intelligent woman and a professor at a very highly ranked program at a very well known university. We talk about things like the transition of mathematics from description to prediction of natural phenomena as evidenced by Maxwell's Equations *as well as* how we're going to make a stable sombrero-shaped nacho fountain for the dog to wear.

      Thing is, the nacho fountain conversation is far more important to my affection for her.

    • Nacho fountain sounds like an awesome idea! If you two do make it you should share it here! I'd love to see how that turns out c:

  • For me, it's not a necessity but it gives a girl a definite edge if she is on my level.

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  • there are a lot of women who are probably much more stupid than you are.

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  • No, but they wouldn't like someone who is a complete idiot.

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  • Not nessesarily

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  • To be honest i want a girl who is more intelligent than me

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  • No if you have big boobs you are good to go.

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  • No not always ;)

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  • You have been told that because that is what feminism wanted you to believe, not because it is true. Men and women, generally don't have the same value system. Right now we have a lot more women going to college and getting careers because they assume men should want the same things they are attracted to. We also have lots of "nice guys" that have nothing to offer women other than being caring and attentive because those are the traits men are more likely to value. Of course there will be exceptions, but overall, men and women just aren't attracted to the same traits.

    As far as intelligence goes, what really matters to most people is that you agree with the opinions and values they have. Otherwise even if you are smarter than them, they will still think you are stupid. The ability to memorize dates and facts, plays almost no role in attraction.

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    • Yeah I think we're both pretty much on the same page in terms of beliefs and values.

What Girls Said 8

  • I think very intelligent guys are rational thinkers so they are looking for a partner that is a rational thinker not necessarily one that is more intelligent, less intelligent or equally intelligent.

    If one is an irrational thinker than they will not want you. And if you are a rational think thinker than If they know more programming languages than you will have no bearing on their decision of whether you are a good relationship partner or not.

    What I have noticed in life is that the more intelligent a guy is, the more rational he is and the more he appreciates that rational in others.

    Knowledge. Knowledge is just stuff you learn (programming language). How to think rational - that is a true gift and one to be exploited.

    If you are male, it is to be expected. If you are female and happen to be cute, all doors are open to you. The world is your oyster.

    Good luck to ya'.

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    • I would say we're both on the same level in terms of rationality. It's just school subjects and programming that he outranks me in. And lol about the oyster comment XD "cute" is pretty much the only adjective people use to describe me with in terms of physical traits.

  • Academic accomplishments are only some of the ways to measure intelligence. Don't compare yourself to others and realize that if he's interested in you then it's probably for more reasons that your grades.

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  • Has he given you any indication you are not worthy of him? It seems you are intelligent but with more of artistic flair than he. And he may like those varied interests.

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    • Not really. I have some friends going to schools like Cornell and UMich and all they talk about is how great the next 4 years of their lives are gonna be lol. He's going to Duke but when we talk he never makes a big deal of it. And for an extremely intelligent guy he tells some pretty dumb jokes but I do too so we sort of mesh well in that sense. When I'm talking to him I feel like we're equals so I guess that's good. Maybe everything's in my head and I'm just letting his academic prowess scarf me off.
      Thanks for helping me out things into perspective!

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    • I think I will! Thanks so much for all the help!

    • Yay! God luck☮💜😊

  • Well I think in the long run we all want someone who's on our level intellectually - just think about the conversations... But you can always try, guys are (supposedly) more visual than girls so if you're pretty you're definitely good for a while ;)

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  • I felt the same for one guy I wanted to approach and he had more reputed scholarship than mine for studying in the university. I was shit scared to approach him.

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    • Did you approach him in the end though? If you did how did you? I need helppp

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    • Ooooh okay! Thanks for the encouragement!

    • Welcome :) Good luck with the approach. I wish you land him.

  • That's sexy! Learn from him, have meaningful important conversations.

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  • no i do not think so

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  • it'd be an intelligence circle jerk, maybe that couple will find the cure to cancer

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