Is this a red flag in this 40 yo man I'm dating?

We went to his apartment for a make out session and his apartment is rather empty. He has a bed, television and a futon for a couch. He's not recently divorced or broken up with anyone. I just find it strange for a 40 yo to be living like this. I'm very established and recently paid off my condo. His exgf seems to be opposite of me: her fb is full of horror movie quotes, Marilyn Manson, zombies, her clothing has a lot of skulls, zombies, etc. I just don't get how he can fall in love with someone like me after he loved her for 5 years. They've been split up for a year.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yes, did he not explain why he's like that. Sounds to me like he's there very temporarily, hasn't really re-established himself after the breakup. It may be he lost a bunch of stuff to her, doesn't have the funds. Guys are notoriosly not good about decorating and "bachelor pad". I'd slow down and take a hard look at his emotional health while dating...

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    • His emotional health is my biggest concern. It's not healthy to live like this! A few junky pieces of furniture and randomn junk laying around: old albums and books in milk crates, a bike in the living room, a few "aqua man" figurines (which he says are his ex's).

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    • The general scene is a RED FLAG. He doesn't have his stuff cleaned up from the past relationship, he isn't re-settled. You walked in early on him.
      Ever bake a cake... stick a toothpick in it... it isn't done... put it bck in the oven. He isn't done processing this last relationship.

      I don't know, maybe she was a collector and that stuff has value? Some people have everything they've ever owened. I think your senses are good as to wether this is healthy environment where he can emotionally give himself to you or not. I'd base your conclusion on that.

    • Thank you for such s helpful post!!

What Guys Said 12

  • Some people live pretty spartan. Most people do accumulate stuff over time though. But I've never met anyone that old with so little. That doesn't mean they don't exist though.

    I went for years when I could put everything I own in a car and hit the road. I kinda miss those days. Possessions feel like a prison to me now. I've considered renting a big dumpster, and throwing all my crap in it. Then put on a backpack and hit the road. That's total freedom and I miss it.

    By chance does he have a job that takes him on the road a lot? Like is he only in town a few days a month? Or does he do sales or something and maintains multiple apartments in different cities?

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  • So what's your concern? I have to ask because from what I read you just described two peoples lives and what their individual lives consist of. Why is he with you how should I know how should any of us know there are literally could be hundreds of diffrent potential reasons why he is with you. Ask him because that's the only actual person that can give you an answer to this; asking the rest of the world won't do anything, but give you a whole bunch of maybes and what if's. As for how he lives as far as I can tell he just likes to keep things simple living wise, but that's something else you can and need to ask him if you want an answer. All I can tell is my that he has you and probably is happy about that so go and talk with your man insted of us. Well hope you get the answers you are looking for in him and I wish you both luck in your relationship. Good luck dear.

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  • Yes that is a serious Red Flag. I have two shirts with skulls not then but they came from bike week Telly's in Sturgis

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  • No, none is a red flag. Some guys live sparsely and leave decorating to the women

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  • Some people live frugal and buy just the bare necessities... I don't think that's weird. In terms of the ex, maybe he went through a phase with her or something, but realized she isn't the type for long term compatibility with him.

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  • He must be a psychopath since he has a dick, run!

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  • if he lives in a barren cave then where does he spend his money? does he save? does he earn enough to save? does he have an expensive hobby?

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    • No, he has 100k in student loans.

  • Maybe he just doesn't care for possessions?

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  • it doesn't seems to be a red flag

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  • sounds like his house needs a womans touch if his house seems a little spartan its because thats the way he likes his house. yes his exgf may have been a goth but, some guys are into blondes or brunettes etc

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  • It is strange, I grant you. However, he maybe a minimalist.

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  • He might be minimalist. Truth is you are overanalyzing the situation.

    Answer this honestly, are you looking for man to settle down with? I'm 34 and I date women in their 20s because they seem less judgmental and picky about simple issues you mentioned above. Not to say they don't have their own downsides (immature at times). However women my age give me a harder time.

    by the way - I make a 130K a year (I struggled up to now) and 100% debt free. I want to buy real estate but right now is a horrible time (especially in colorado). I spend half the month at a company leased apartment and the other with my family to SAVE EXTRA MONEY so I can eventually buy something really nice. Would you automatically judge me if I told you my situation? Or would you ask questions and try to find the reason behind it? Things are usually more complicated then they look. I would politely ask your new boyfriend why he lives this way. He might have a good reason why. Also don't stalk his ex on FB. That is just going to screw up everything.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Not weird.

    My little brother has lived in cars, like a perma-roadtrip, for stretches of up to 2 years in a row before.
    Not talking "had to sleep in his car because hard times" -- nope, he just... didn't really feel like having an apartment. Lol.
    This did surprisingly little to impede his dating life, in case that was the next question.

    You are probably just dealing with a guy who doesn't really give a shit much about material possessions. (The fact that YOU are dating him, too, speaks to YOUR not being overly materialistic, either... that's a good thing.)
    He may or may not have fallen on hard times; he probably just... doesn't want to have tons of stuff. Lots of guys don't.

    I hate clutter, too. In my twenties, I made 6 international moves in about 6 years. After that... I could easily live in the same minimalist environment (if I didn't have kids), except I like my clothes too much. But, yeah, I'd be so totally fine with a small bed, a kitchen, and... tons of closet space. And bookshelves. LOL

    Does he want to travel? (Most people who don't accumulate tons of stuff like to travel -- that's a big part of why they don't like to accumulate stuff.) Mb you two could take a trip together?

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    • I'm not materialistic and a huge part of me admires him for living so simple. I think a big part of it is the fact that he has over 100k in student loan debt. I'm not bothered by his debt. I think what weirded me out was seeing kid stuff laying around that used to be his exgf's stuff. He said they never had kids over, she just liked this stuff: old coloring books, pee-wee Herman figurines, a Freddy Krueger picture in a frame, etc. I just can't figure out why he's keeping that stuff around if they're truly over. I can't figure out how he could love someone whose into that stuff and then fall in love with someone like me. I'm not insinuating that I'm better than her by any means, but that kid stuff being owned and decorated with by a grown woman kinda baffles me. I threw my coloring books away in 1985.

    • Eh, people collect some weird shit. It is what it is.

      Hey, if he says it's his ex's stuff, at least you can be pretty damn sure he's not lying -- I mean, surely he can't have reached that age without knowing that "it's my ex's" is not a woman's favorite thing to hear, so, I can't possibly imagine that he'd use THAT as a lie.

      If I were you, I wouldn't read too much into that stuff, either. Hobbies are hobbies. It's unlikely that you can draw any significant inferences about someone's character from her hobbies (or vice versa).

      On the other hand, I *do* think it's at least worth asking the boy how long he's gna play storage shed for his ex's shit. LOL
      I mean... if he wants to get over her, he should DEFINITELY want to get her stuff out of his place ASAP... especially if he doesn't even own that many things to begin with. (If he were a hoarder himself, and he was just storing her things along with 12984556219874 things of his own, it'd be nbd. But for someone with so little stuff?)

  • I agree, some people live with minimal items, and maybe that's how he likes it. Maybe decorating just is not his thing, he'd live nicer if he liked designing his place. Maybe he wants to save money for kids and future stuff not furniture. And people can't help who they fall for. She posts crap like that, that doesn't mean it's who she is. Either way, he's over her for a reason.

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  • Some people are just very simple, a lot of people are different after all, you can not compare yourself to his past because you're simply different. The apartment.. are you sure it's his full time? Some people have 2.. or so.

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  • That dose seem rather strange, I could never personally date someone like that.

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