Why is it so wrong to be picky about who you date? Does it make you shallow?

I know this is probably going to sound like a rant but I'm really annoyed right now. A guy just called me shallow because I told him (nicely) that I'm not interested in anything other than friendship. It's not the first time this happens but the way he said it really bugged me. Like he was entitled to a chance because he's a nice guy while I'm the shallow one who only goes for looks. The thing is, he's 8 years older than me, overweight and below a 6 in looks. We have absolutely nothing in common even though he's nice to be around. I'm a college student, I like to work out and I care about what I eat while he works in a supermarket, hates working out and loves junk food. I'm not saying there's something wrong with that but is it so wrong of me to want a guy with similar interests? A guy who I actually find attractive? Why do people, especially guys, keep blaming me for being picky and call me shallow? I'm so tired of this double standard...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • It's not wrong at all I'm sure if you had more in common with him even just beyond looks you'd have formed a bond and he would have had a shot, but that was the case here. People often get frustrated when denied even of its in the nicest way possible because they are frustrated with themselves and are frustrated with their hardships. For me that has never been an issue i don't look amazing I am a bit over weight but I except my self and cherish who I am and enjoy those around me there are struggles in life and I have lost many people that I loved but even then there is a brighter out look a brighter tomorrow. In that o have never struggled in relationships or finding sex even with beautiful women or even done better sexually than many friends who are notably more handsome but that's simply because I am who I am and because I am confident in myself. Confidence, joyand, laughter those are the three major hurdles to get past one who is confident in themselves often attract those around them, one who is joyful even in the bad times often attract those who simply want to enjoy themselves and be happy, and laughter is the way in to people's hearts and mind. We often forget that being kind of just being kind to others it's being kind to ourselves as well and when we are kind to ourselves, when we are confident, and joyous, and enjoy laughing as well as having people around us that can laugh as well and generally just enjoy the moment that is when people become attracted that is when people try to get to know us. Who are you more likely to go to a hot guy at a bar who is by himself and just seems moopy ad down on himself or the guy who may not be so attractive but seem like the life of the party and is just having fun and enjoying the company of others and who's just putting his best foot forward and having a great time. Odds are the not so good looking one that's having a great time. That's what people fail to see attachment and attraction although dose have a part to do with the physical really is only a small part of the big picture and if you love yourself and generally give love and happiness to others then people come to you. Most of the time I don't even have to do anything and I will get hit on but that is only because I except myself and those around me.

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    • Your not selfish for having a preference he is just not as confident in himself as he needs to be because I'm sure you would have given him a shot if he was. The name of the game is confidence, security and, interest. He wasn't confident he didn't make you feel secure in him nor in yourself, and he didn't hold your interest simple as that not your fault and it's not his these things happen but he could have been a lot better about it. Well that's my two cents about it; hope this answers the concern or question at hand. Good luck maybe the next guy who comes along will be more your pace.

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    • Yeah, exactly

    • Well hopefully the next guy that comes around is more your speed and won't just look at you as some sexual prize. Good luck dear.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You're not shallow. In fact, your expectations seem totally reasonable.
    Calling you shallow is just a typical butthurt guy reaction.. For some reason guys often seem blind to their own hypocrisy especially when they get rejected. They are overweight yet would never think of going for an overweight girl but then complain about fit girls being shallow when they get rejected.
    There's a good chance this will happen to you again in the future so I wouldn't care too much about it if I was you.

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What Guys Said 23

  • You are shallow, and so is everyone one else on Earth. There is nothing wrong with being shallow. The entire idea about how shallow is something bad was created by butt hurt people that didn't meet the standards of others. Literally anything that someone can be attracted to has been called shallow at some point. No one is going to want to be partners with someone that has nothing to offer them. The word shallow no longer has any real meaning do to its over use.

    As long as you are reasonable in your standers then its fine. Just don't become one of those women that start whining about how you never get approached when what you really mean is you only want to be approached by guys that are out of your league. Or complaining that the guys you want are all afraid of commitment, because they don't want to commit with you. Those are signs your being too picky. As long as you can actually land the type of guys you want, then be you can be just as picky as you want.

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    • Yeah, I guess the word shallow has been overused to the point where it lost its meaning. It's natural that people have standards so I still think there's a difference between being shallow and having realistic expectations. But I totally agree with you!

      I think I'm reasonable in my standards. I go for guys within my league and if he has a great personality then I'm perfectly happy to date down as long as he's decent looking. I can look past a guy's appearance if we're compatible on every other level but there has to be some physical attraction for it to work. And no, in most cases I don't have problems landing the guys I find attractive. However, not all of them have good personalities so often times I don't give them a chance anyway

  • Its not exactly a double standard if it happens on the other end as well...
    But hey, if you wana be picky, by all means. I encourage picky people. Just reducing your chances of finding happiness by preselecting/judging before even getting to a deeper area. there's a quote..."love comes from the strangest of places"... so unless you are dating as a recreational pastime with no future plans or anything, being picky is not exactly the best idea.
    Wait till you are 35 with about 6 failed relationships under your belt from the very tiny pool of people that you restricted yourself to due to being "picky"... you think you are annoyed now... lol... not yet.

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    • When I said it's a double standard I meant that he never goes for overweight girls, even though he's overweight himself. Yet he expects me to lower my standards because he's "nice" and his personality makes up for his lack of attractiveness. That's a double standard... I'm upset about it because he accuses me of being shallow even though he's shallow himself.

      Well, I'm not really looking for a serious relationship so attraction is pretty important to me. Why should I settle for a guy who I don't find attractive and who I share no common interests with? Don't get me wrong, I don't expect him to look like a supermodel but is wanting a guy with the same values as me really too much to ask? Especially since I can attract guys like that. Why should I settle for less?

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    • Haha yeah, I guess it sounded a bit ominous but you were the one who mentioned it first. Haha :P

    • true.. true, i was trying to make it sound ominous cuz i thought you were just one of "those". then you made me salty about it... so its all good :)

  • Being shallow is not the term to be used, many guys can't take rejection properly but it is totally your choice and you are opinionated. But you can't complain that there are no nice guys. You can't find all the qualities in just one guy. Guys with good looks and body realize the market well, so they know well, that there is always his demand, so many turns out to be jerks, not all though but the possibility of finding such who is just the perfect match for you would be close to about 0.001%, so it is your choice to have an opinion but making certain comments would make you a hypocrite!

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    • I know. I'm not complaining that there are no no nice guys because I know there are. A lot of them are decent looking too. Perhaps they don't look like super models but I don't expect them to. All I want is someone who takes care of himself and shares the same values as me. Is that so much to ask?

    • Not at all! That is something you deserve!

  • Depends what you're picky over and just how much you expect, if you use certain things to tick boxes you'll miss who the person actually is and wind up dating someone who's just good on paper which is shallow and superficial. I know girls who've dated dudes who were intelligent and had money but weren't attractive, after they turned out to be assholes they were really kicking themselves because it was all that trouble for a dude they didn't even find attractive. lol. Anyway do what you want, who cares if loads of ugly dudes think you're shallow. haha

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    • Well, I just expect someone with similar interests, not like the guy I mentioned. He doesn't need to look like supermodel for me to find him attractive but being healthy and taking care of yourself isn't really that much to ask for, is it?

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    • I see. That's completely fine, everyone has their preferences. I just wish everyone could understand that...

    • Meh, who cares, as long as you can accept when you're on the receiving end of it- it doesn't matter.

  • Their just mad they can't rise up to your standards so they try an attack those standards lol similar to an army unable to lay siege to a city and take it by force because that particular town or city has strong/secure walls built around it to protect whats inside but little do they know or care there is a good reason for that village to be as heavily fortified as it is.. just beware of the trojan horse they may try to slip in & trick u with to gain entrance.. tge Trojan horse was masked as a gift but actually had many soldiers waiting inside to get inside & take that town by means of deception & cunning which also is the devils main tools as well. GoodLuck!*

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    • Yeah, you're right. It's still annoying how they can't handle rejection though...

  • We call this "Nice guy syndrome".

    Here's a comady video that sums it up - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-3cu46Dcvw

    In short no. The person is a moron. I've been on the other side of this. I slightly larger women asked her friend to let me know she liked me. I said I wasn't interested and suddenly I hate fat people and was "fat shaming".

    I can't help who I am interested (attracted or otherwise) to and I shouldn't have to force it. Neither should any women. It's there problem if they feel entitled to something. The world doesn't owe anybody anything.

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    • " A slightly larger women "

      " It's their problem"

      So many typos... sorry about that. You should get the point.

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    • Sadly that's the world. Gender is irrelevant when we're talking about shitty people. They are everywhere.

      You're probably going to come across this a lot more often then I do so my advice to you is to not feel bad. Reject them nicely (don't turn into an ass yourself) but in the long term there's nothing you can do.

    • Yeah :/ I always reject them nicely. Rejecting someone is not something you should gloat about and I really hate doing it...

  • In my opinion, shallow people are only hurting themselves. Being excessively picky can severely limit your options, and make it harder for you to find someone that lives up to your standards.

    However, I won't shame someone for being shallow, because it is something a lot of people struggle with, and ultimately it is their decision to make - whether or not they will lower their standards.

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    • Where do you draw the line between being shallow and having realistic expectations?

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    • Another thing I'd like to add: I personally want an attractive partner. By attractive, I mean someone who has reached their highest possible potential. Practically everyone has the potential to reach attractiveness - at least on a somewhat average level, and there is nothing wrong with expecting a person who has lived up to their highest potential. It only becomes shallow when you expect something that is unachievable to most people - expecting someone to change something that they legitimately are unable to change about themselves.

  • It can be depending on how picky you are (ie. if you're looking for like the perfect guy that just doesn't exist), but also, you're attracted to who your attracted to and you know what you want and don't want which is a good thing. A lot of women truly don't know. The guys that call you shallow may just be lashing out because of the rejection (you hurt me so I'll hurt you back kind of thing). Some guys (people) don't deal with rejection well. Just ignore them.

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    • I'm not too picky, I think my standards are pretty realistic and most people on here seem to agree with me. I knew I did the right thing by rejecting him but it still sucks to be called shallow by a hypocrite who only likes me because of my looks. He probably wouldn't go for an overweight girl even though he's overweight himself. And yet he has the nerve to call me shallow... Oh well, I'm over it now. Reading the responses made me feel better

  • He a fake nice guy. he the guy that say nice thing but doesn't get his way Cry's like abitch.

    There nothing wrong about being pickiy I'm picky with girls I date.

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  • Tell him you have nothing in common (if it's true, maybe you really were just rationalizing away the fact you just weren't attracted to him physically). Always give people a short explanation, if they're still dicks about it then so be it, but do try to give them that explanation so they can work on themselves or understand that it wouldn't have worked out anyway.

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  • A friend of mine (player type) said that you know you are a size 42 jacket, but sometimes you should just try a 38, a 40, or a 44, 'just to see how it fits'.
    I know what I like and want, so why waste my time and money with others I know aren't a good fit?
    If that is 'picky', then I guess I am.

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  • Fuck what people say... it's ok to date whoever you find attractive...

    He just couldn't true the rejection and that's why he called you shallow..

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  • Nothing wrong with having standards. I work hard for my body.. bust my ass @ uni.. take care of myself. I deserve to have a girl on my same level. You're entitled to have a preference. I think I told someone else this earlier too.

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    • It's good to know people agree with me, it made me feel better. Thanks for sharing your opinion!

  • 'below a 6'

    rating people by numbers and not being shallow? i dont know, it points in the right direction.

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    • Don't we all do that in one way or another? What I meant is that he's below average. It's just an opinion.

    • i dont measure people's physical atraction with numbers no.

    • I don't do it irl but it's not uncommon on the internet. At leasts it gives you an idea of how good looking someone is, although is't very individual. I've had people rate me without me asking for it and although I found it offensive, I accepted that it's just the way thins work online. Would you still consider me shallow if I said below average instead of rating him by number?

  • people will always talk, it's your life live it as you want and enjoy it while you still have time and think less, take it from a stranger : cherish every moment cause it never comes back ;)

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  • You are not shallow, you know what you want. And he those not match at all for you.

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  • No, it's absolutely fine, I'm the same way. The relationship wouldn't work anyway if you genuinely aren't attracted to him and don't have anything in common, it would probably be a waste of time to try. I do the same thing. :)

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    • Good to know some guys agree with me. I don't think I have unrealistic expectations...

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    • But he's overweight himself? Yeah that isn't fair, you shouldn't expect to date someone who puts a lot more effort into their health than u.

    • Yep. I wouldn't call a fit guy shallow if I was overweight and he rejected me. That's why I got upset about him calling me that

  • well It's obviously gonna be especially guys your not a lesbo.

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  • Nothing wrong with being picky, as long as you don't bitch and complain and/or become bitter when you can't find someone who ticks all of your boxes.

    Remember this: the more requirements there are for something, the less prospects there are that will meet them all.

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  • You defo done the right thing!
    I had a girl string me along for two months before telling me, only when I pressed her?
    That feels a lot worse then instant rejection!

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    • Yeah, I think so too. I don't think I was stringing him along and I really hope he didn't interpret it that way. I was being friendly and I replied when he texted me etc but I never, ever expressed any romantic interest in him. I was very careful about that because I knew his intentions from the very start. It was never a genuine friendship because he had an ulterior motive...

  • There's no double standard. When guys reject fat girls, they get hated on too.

    It's almost like people were told growing up that 'looks are skin deep and don't matter, it's who you are inside that does, and you're so special' all the time.

    Anyway, if someone seems threatening, deal with that, otherwise let them go be grumpy and deal with it on their own.

    Maybe one day he'll stumble hear and rant about women and at some point when he stops ranting we can finally ask him DO U EVEN LIFT BRO?

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    • Oh, when I said it's a double standard I meant that he's a hypocrite because he likes me for my looks and yet and expects me to like him for his personality. What pissed me off the most was his sense of entitlement and putting the blame on me. But yeah, it's true that it goes both ways

      Haha yeah, I rally hope he does...

  • It's ok to have standards and to be picky but a lot of girls are severely picky. As a guy a lot of times it seems like nothing you do will work if you lack something, but anyway, that guy is clearly mad because he got rejected and is calling you shallow to make himself feel better. Just ignore him and move on.

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    • Yeah, I know. But I don't think my standards are unreasonable. I just wish he could understand that...

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    • Yeah, that sucks :/

    • It does. Don't worry about being called shallow because I don't see anything you did that was shallow.

  • I dont think any those standards you listed are too much to ask for.
    Whats frustrating is when girls put requirements like "he has to be at least 6 feet tall".
    Because then as a guy its like damn it, I work out, I am in great shape, in college studying to get my masters, but I still miss that height requirement by 3 inches.
    Its at the point you know nothing you do is good enough,

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    • Yeah, I don't think that either. That's why I get upset when people tell me I'm shallow...

      I can't lie, I like tall guys myself but as long as they're taller than me I'm good. I'm 5'5 so that goes for most guys

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    • Well that basically means you'll date any guy 5'6 or taller which is perfectly reasonable. Most guys are that tall. Very few guys are 6'4

    • Exactly. Swedish guys tend to be tall so it'd actually be harder to find a guy who's shorter than one who isn't

What Girls Said 10

  • He said that because he was upset at the rejection; I wouldn't take it too seriously.

    You don't sound like you have any crazy high, unrealistic standards. Just make sure to keep meeting and talking to people, and looking out for guys who you might like and be more compatible with.

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    • I'm not taking it seriously but I find his attitude annoying. If he rejected me I wouldn't call him shallow, I'd accept it and move on...

  • if you date someone (or don't) based solely on his appearance or for purely materialistic reasons, then yes, you are shallow.

    however, there is nothing wrong with having standards. physical attraction is important in a relationship, though it shouldn't be the only reason you date someone. plus, if you have nothing in common, it won't work long-term, if that's what you're looking for.

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    • I'm not looking for a serious relationship, I should have mentioned that. So I guess I have slightly higher standards than if I wanted something serious. But still, I don't want a guy I have nothing in common with. I see it as a compatibility issue

      What I find annoying is his attitude. If someone rejected me I wouldn't call them shallow. I'd accept that they don't find me attractive and move on

    • i agree that it is 100% a compatibility issue, and i'd handle things the exact same way.

      that said, the world is full of "nice" guys who don't handle rejection well and will try to make you feel bad. this site is full of them, lol. but don't be guilted into accepting any less than your standards~ after all, it's you who has to wake up next to him for however long, lol.

    • That's good to know :)

      Haha yeah, that's true. I'm well aware of that but it still doesn't change the fact that it's annoying and unfair

  • There's nothing wrong with that, his comment just reflects that he's insecure and frankly, he needs to grow up.
    Believe me when I say it is always good to have standards. I lowered them once and aha, lets say i'm never going back there again.
    As long as you are not actually being shallow, and you just know what you're worth then whatever - good for you. Keep your standards high.

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    • Thanks for the kind words. It seems like most people agree with me on this because my standards aren't unreasonable. I guess I shouldn't have let his words get to me...

  • I think we have the right to be picky and have our own standard. I am on a dating website and I dont really like them that are overweight. I dont look for someone like a model, but I do care for eating healthy, work out and I am nearly underweight (in a healthy way, Asian tend to weight less..)

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  • There's nothing wrong with it. You're looking for a guy who would likely relate to you, and vice versa. That isn't shallow. Now, if you were saying no solely because of his looks, that would be a bit shallow. But you still have the right to refuse a relationship that you wouldn't enjoy.

    I've been there. It isn't pretty.

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    • Thanks for the kind words! It's good to know that people agree with me. I know I did the right thing by rejecting him but his words still affect me

    • I've met a lot of guys who think they have the right to any woman they have the nerve to hit on. They don't, and they don't like women proving that. This isn't your problem, it's his.

    • Yeah, you're right. I hate guys with this attitude...

  • They are blaming you just to feel better about themselves.
    It is really good to be picky as long as you're being realistic.
    Also, no one should lower their expectations because they want a relationship. You should want a relationship because of the person, not a person because you fear not having a relationship.
    By the way, congratulations for taking care of your body! :)

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  • he only said that because he was upset, Because you are pretty and he though that you only go for looks. But i am picky too and it's okay. we only want the best for ourselves, so ignore him and keep looking for a guy that is at your standard:)

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  • You know what you're looking for and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't let someone with a hurt ego make you think differently

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  • Being "picky" to me is never wrong for anyone.
    Why shouldn't people be?

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    • Exactly, that's what I think too. But people confuse being picky with being shallow, which sucks... Most people seem to agree with me though. It made me feel better

    • (smiling)
      What "society" thinks will always be at odds with my own views.
      I am used to this and enjoy the discussions.
      Peace xo

  • Because it hurts their ego.

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