What does “putting a woman on a pedestal” actually mean, and how to avoid it when you’re interested in someone?

[Anonymous]

I've been reading a lot of dating advice and a phrase that comes up a lot is "putting a woman on a pedestal". It's something that dating advice tells guys to avoid doing. The thing is, the advice doesn't really define that term. What does it mean?

Another thing I don't understand is that if you like a woman, aren't you "putting her on a pedestal" just by liking her, by saying there is something about her that makes her stand out? It's been my personality to get really enthusiastic about the things I like, whether it's a fandom, a book, a band, a car, or even a girl. When I like I girl I really want to be sweet to her, but the problem is, I come off as too eager to please. I have a hard time curbing my enthusiasm and acting like I'm not as interested in her when I really am. Also, while I acknowledge whatever faults she may have, I am willing to overlook them if I like a girl enough, because I know I have faults myself and I know that another girl will have different faults, so no matter what I'll have to take the good with the bad whether it's this girl or another, and if I really like a girl I figure the good outweighs the bad. But apparently, this is wrong? I'm confused about what to do about this. How do I still go for the girls I want but without acting too eager to please or too interested, even though I am?

[little_bird1]

The thing is that people who are aware that they are skillful or good looking are often conceited by compliments. They get it all the time and they love it, so they think they can get away with bad behavior just because they are skillful or good looking. They don't do it intentionally, it's something that goes along with what they got. When you get compliments about something all the time you get too excited and too into it that you forget that what really matters is how you treat others.
I dated a really good looking guy who was also very successful and had my skills. I was so infatuated by him that it got me completely blind. I would put him on a pedestal and compliment him all the time, until I realized that I spoiled him. He became cocky and rude to me, he was so high from the ground. He used to always get away with it just because he's hot. I realized that he needs to be put on the ground, so I did. Usually I would just walk away, but I saw that he is just not aware of his flaws because well no one ever has pointed them out to him. So I put him down that pedestal and stopped complimenting him that much. I would complain about his bad behavior and wouldn't give him "a treat" for it. Eventually he got the point. :)

[Asker]

Hmm, that does make sense. If you are constantly giving someone compliments, it can go to their head and they can get a big ego from it and start acting superior.

I guess I need to be more sparing with my niceness. I wish I didn't have to be, though. When I really like a girl, the niceness comes naturally to me.

[little_bird1]

Yeah I agree, I'm the same way. But you are actually doing her a favor by not complimenting her a lot. At least not some obvious things that you already complimented her about many times. If she does something new and awesome, then sure, compliment her. Especially if that something includes you, if she did something nice to you. But try to avoid complimenting her looks (unless she changed something or if she made a big effort to look really damn hot for you like new dress or something).

[Smmyskittles]

No. lol. No, no, no.

Personally, there's someone I'm talking to now and I enjoy their prompt responses. :] It's something I've always like. It SHOWS me how interested in me he really is.

Sadly, most women don't and find it off putting.

You live your life and remember that you don't have to respond to ever text the second you get them.
Do your thing. Go out with friends, don't check your phone while you're out. Don't make a woman you like and aren't serious with a priority.

Again, this is for the majority. lol, which, I like that I'm not. ^-^

[Asker]

@Smmyskittles , I wish more women thought like you. Sadly, a lot of dating advice says that being too available to talk means that the guy is needy. I wish women saw it as "enthusiastic" instead.

[Smmyskittles]

This is long.

For other women, it makes them *think* you have no life. That, maybe, you are "needy". They like having a man who doesn't talk to them much. *SOME* even like to chase a guy; they like the game of wondering if they can have him.

For me, it shows that you put me as a priority. I don't expect a man to respond immediately. Nor do I expect him to do so to every message, all the time.

But, when he does, it means a lot to me. He's making the time to talk to me. He might be busy as heck and still send me a text. <3

What you need is to find the right woman. The one who's going to appreciate you and the time you give her.

I'm sorry for saying this (because it's pretty cliché and over-used) but be patient. I found my ex of 4 years when I least expected to. I really thought he was just another friend.

After 2 months, he asked me out and surprised me. He was great, until the last 1-2 years of the relationship.

[Asker]

Yeah, that's what the advice says. It suggests that if you are always available to talk to a girl, then it seems like you don't do anything besides wait to talk to her. I am aware it is one thing I have to improve about myself, I have to go for more hobbies so I am a more interesting person and have more to talk about when we do talk.

I do find it strange that women look for a guy who won't talk to them much, though. One of the key things I'm looking for in a woman is someone I like talking to, a good conversation partner.

And I really like what you said here:

"But, when he does, it means a lot to me. He's making the time to talk to me. He might be busy as heck and still send me a text."

That's how I feel too. It makes me feel good knowing that someone has made time to talk to me. It puts a smile on my face.

I do have another question though - what changed so that you saw that guy differently, from just a friend to a dating partner?

Thanks for sharing your story in any case :)

[Smmyskittles]

Suggestions - Hiking, lake/beaches, trails (biking or just walking in general), climbing, skating, laser tag, canoing, swimming, cars, gym (lol, seriously). There are sooo many things to do.

It's not just to make yourself "more interesting". It's more for you and to help pump some positive 'natural' chemicals into your body. You'll be happier overall [Not saying you aren't already happy].

It shows they care. Too many people are "cold" now a days. It's nice to meet others who share the same views about texting. lol

He started showing interest. He and I went from talking once every 3 days, to every other day, then multiple texts a day. He'd find time to call me every other day, and text me every day. While he was going to school.

He did that until the last year or two of our relationship.

[Asker]

Yeah, I hear you about the "coldness" of the modern world. It seemed like in the old days, friendliness and warmth were good things. Nowadays, everyone is trying to act like they are too cool for anything or anyone, and that anyone who objects to that, or thinks there should be more warmth, is branded "needy". I don't like it either.

I like those suggestions you gave, but what if the girl I like is someone I met online, and all I can really do is talk to her because she is long-distance? I know it's possible because I used to be part of a forum that had a few long-distance relationships with people who met on there. The only option I have is to talk, however, talking too much is considered "putting her on a pedestal". So you see why I'm kinda stuck, haha

[Ssimon91]

As a guy it means to not put her over yourself.

most guys will jump through a hoop of fire wearing a outfit covered with gasoline for a girl it feels like if she called for it. make it seem like you have your own life that doesn't revolve around her. Let her know that she is special to you without letting her control your life. as someone said already, when you are out enjoy being out. her text and phone call can wait.

most guys who fall into this hole have a harder time getting over rejection when it happens cause that person was SUCH a HUGE PART of your current life. (for no reason) my term for this is giving a girl a title when she hasn't earned one.