I'm seeing a guy who has cheated before, should I trust him?

He admitted that he cheated on his ex girlfriend once and she broke up with him. He says that he's changed and would never do that again.
I've never been cheated on or have cheated on someone so I don't know the whole situation.
I contacted his ex girlfriend on Facebook to know what her opinion is. She told me to stay away from him and that he's a scumbag player.

He seems mature to me and we are really excited attracted to each other but I'm not sure if I want to continue with him or not.
Has anyone else been in this situation?
What did you do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You're pretty young, and I'm assuming he is as well. People make mistakes all the time, even big ones. Sometimes, people learn from those mistakes.

    The fact he told you upfront is a bit strange, but I guess he felt the need to share it.

    I'd be more interested in how he explained the reasoning behind his transgression. If he is all "who gives a damn" with his attitude when he explained it, well, then he probably will do it again, and soon, and with just any piece of ass that happens to catch his eye. If he puts all the blame for it on her (other than admitting it was wrong to do it), or he says he "... was wrong to do it, but..." then he probably is one to "self-justify" everything he does wrong as someone else's fault. He'll cheat again, for sure.

    If he claims it was because he was under the influence of alcohol or some other controlled substance, and he would "never do it sober," what's his lifestyle like? If he was drunk when it happened, and he's not a big drinker now, then he maybe did change. But if he was drunk when it happened, and he's at the bar four nights a week, then he didn't change, because his lifestyle didn't change.

    That all said, no matter what, contacting the ex girlfriend really was pointless. What kind of answer did you honestly expect from her? EVEN IF he never, and I mean NEVER, cheated on her, I can't imagine it would have been likely she would have given you a positive reference about him. Of all my exes, I can count on one finger how many I could still speak positively about, and the reason for our breakup wasn't because either of us did anything wrong to each other, but our lives pulled us in different, and incompatible directions. No cheating happened by either of us on each other, just life changes to great to overcome.

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What Guys Said 52

  • You're being played for a fool. You'll hate my opinion now, and yet respect it later. If you ever learn.

    Do you really mind if he cheats on you? That should probably be the thing you should ask yourself. If you can accept his sexual diversions, as long as he comes back to you, that's something to consider as a possible relationship base. Otherwise, you're just the fool. "A sucker is born every minute".

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    • well said sir.. i agree , does it really matter? just hold up ur guard and dont let him in too deep, enjoy ur time with him , why would u want to know.. ur seeing him he's not ur boyfriend , if he wouldn't cheat on u physicly he would do it inside his head like every other man.. so ask urself the question , how would u feel if ur man desires other women besides you? what is worse for you cheating emotionally or mentally , or physicly

  • I guess the reality is he could cheat if the conditions are ripe for it. Maybe he doesn't want to cheat, but when his needs aren't met, he doesn't know how to properly end a relationship and move on and start the next. His way out is to "cheat" which makes it easy for the other person to end it... e. g. a weak male.

    So find out why he cheated, find out how he has changed and what he did to change his viewpoint. I think you'll find he hasn't done anything and he's just saying that because he wants it to be true. But if he did do the work and changed, good for him.

    Take your time with him. I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who says they cheated unless there was a good explanation and of how they changed... what work they did to recognize their flaw, why they wouldn't do that again, what they learned about themselves, etc... Otherwise, its a relationship build on a lack of trust... always on guard. And that isn't gonna work for a female wanting a Monogomous LTR... or a me for that matter.



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  • Use that female intuition of yours, and follow your gut about dating this guy.

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  • Jeebus... did you contact his bank too for delinquent loans too? Sure words are not all its cracked up to be but the guy did confess up front... a perpetual won't do that. he cheatED... one time. You hold the power now to be cheated on... if you are worried.. do the check on you darling.. not him.

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  • The fact that he was honest about his past when he could have easily lied to you about it to save face should say something to his character. People can change!
    His ex is obviously going to have a biased opinion. I don't know, I think there's a couple things you should consider before you jump to a conclusion.

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  • I think a guy who's upfront about his past is more trustworthy than someone who hides it. Personally, I'd have to know why they cheated and how far it went. If it was sex, then I really don't care the reason. I wouldn't date the person. If it was a kiss and they felt immediately guilty, then stopped and it never happened again. Then yes, I could forgive it.

    A kiss can be a mistake. Sex is not. There are multiple exit points for sex. It may be a choice he regrets, but it was still a choice.

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  • His ex obviously hates him. She was the one who suffered, it's normal that she doesn't want him ever to be happy again (especially if she isn't yet)
    She will do her best to get back at him, and in her mind, she might convince herself, into thinking that she is helping you.

    But the truth is, that your current situation will never be the same as the one she had with him. You'll never know the exact situation of how it happened.

    And cheating comes in many shapes and forms, some of them may not be noticeable to the cheater in the beginning.

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  • Every relationship is different, remember that. Yes be more cautious for sure but don't let all these other people influence you, use your own judgement and don't jump to conclusions. It is VERY possible he has seen the error of his ways and would never do that again. You only know the ex-girlfriends point of view correct? Ask your boyfriends also, there could be a whole lot more to the story then you know about (could have been having serious issues in their relationship - not that is an excuse, but would help explain why he did it - you could find this out about him and ask him what he would do differently now if it happened in your relationship?). Your boyfriend made a mistake yes, but don't automatically judge him and let it ruin your relationship without cause. Again, be more cautious yes, it's also possible he's just a player and would do it again but don't just assume that. People make mistakes.

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  • Oh go for it. Try not to invest a lot in the relationship. There is a very very very very good chance he hasn't changed. The cheaters are always the most charming ones. But you've never been cheated on, right? You could use the experience. If he turns out to be reformed, congrats! You've found a good guy to be with.

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  • Once a cheater, always a cheater.
    When he cheats he also lies to his partner. And a liar/cheater can never be trusted. If you have doubts, research. It'll save you of a wasted life.
    I'm talking based on experience with a girl I had. Mark my words

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  • I am in a monogamous relationship. I have had opportunities to cheat and have not in this current relationship.
    In the past I was married, had a kept mistress, two other "side chicks" AND picked up random women in the bars. People can, and do change. My "number' is somewhere around 25, but I'm quite content in my current relationship, and see no reason to look outside of it (I think it's a little bit of 'been there done that'). Trust your instincts n this one, if he is sincere then he might be worth a chance,

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  • The ex-girlfriend can't be expected to be objective, you can use her responses to fact check things he told you (but don'tell her what he told you exactly because she might lie on purpose), but that's it.

    It's entirely possible he really wouldn't dream of cheating on you or even anyone else ever again: people grow and learn and you have a different relationship with him than his ex-girlfriend.

    Also, realistically you wouldn't be able to date many people if you categorically turn down anyone who's ever cheated.

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  • I wouldn't trust him... or the opinion of his ex.
    I would never date a cheater of I knew about it. I'm not gonna give them the chance to do the same to me.

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    • Well tbh I disagree, I cheated on my ex - where I kissed another guy at a club because I didn't want to be in that relationship but I just didn't know how to end it. He wasn't meeting my emotional requirements and he made me cry to sleep nearly once a week. I was 18 so still young and whenever I brought up the idea of a breakup he'd threaten me with suicide etc so as a girl who probably would never cheat or anything I made a mistake so don't ignore or leave him just cause of one mistake. If he was young then it's fine

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    • Yeah I get that but you need to ask why. Why did they cheat? What was their relationship like at that point. If they were happy and everything was fine then don't trust him completely but mine was hanging by a tiny thread. I was crying every night because I felt trapped. I couldn't end it with him or else he'd harm himself but I didn't want to be with him anymore: he always treated me like I was nothing tbh

    • @QueenBaae It doesn't matter WHY you cheated. People who cheat ALWAYS justify their cheating. Giving us your reason is simply proving that you fit the pattern of a cheater.

  • If he has cheated on previous partners, the chances that he will cheat on you, past behaviour is always good indicator how someone will treat you in the future.

    Someone saying they have changed, is just words, its actions that walk the walk. All relationships are a big risk anyway, they involve getting hurt anyway, but you have to ask yourself, are you strong and confident enough to handle getting hurt.

    The reality of the situation, the chances of any man cheating on you, is always there, regardless if the guy you want to date, has never cheated, or cheated.

    Not all cheaters are bad people, and cannot be trusted ever. Sometimes people cheat, because someone in the relationship is not looking after the other persons emotional and sexual needs. They go a stray, looking for answers outside the relationship, which is not an excuse for cheating, Problems just solved within the relationship, if no one can come to a solution, it should be both agreed to end the relationship.

    “Trust is not about the other person. How much you trust someone else is a function of how much you trust yourself and your ability to handle whatever they do.”

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  • I think because he's cheated, he's potentially more likely to cheat on you. I would probably not date a person that did that, but it depends on who the person is and the situation. Judging my his exs response, it sounds like the gamble is bigger. His personality or attitude may changed but it's fairly unlikely in my opinion.

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  • Ok ask yourself these 3 things and prove them... is he kind to plants and animals? Does he seem spiritual , is values not unlike your own? Is his word golden? if all three yes. Yup good choice ! On a serious note not all guys cheat and not all guys who do repeat it... you know I always vote for Love... Hugz n Smiles...🍀🐶🍀

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  • people do change. I don't agree with once a cheater, always a cheater.
    I mean who hasn't made a bad decision at some point which they regretted later?

    Cheating, admittedly, is a PARTICULARLY bad decision, and a lot of people don't change; but i think the fact that he admitted it upfront says a lot

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  • People can have a reason to heat. Ogher pdople can make on want to cheat on him/her: you heard only one party speaking.

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  • It depends on why he did it, and what he learned from it, as well as what steps he's taken to avoid doing it again.

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  • Hmph, if I ended up cheating, I wouldn't claim that "I've changed".

    People tend to cheat when they feel like their partner just doesn't meet their requirements. Basic ones, like emotional intimacy and trustworthiness.

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  • I wouldn't consider it... But if you really want to... Be on your GUARD and make him go far to prove his worth, really

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  • Do not do that. I know someone very close to me who's done this and was totally fucked over. Once a cheater, always a cheater and even if they really won't cheat again, it should be in your best interest not to trust him/her. Find someone else, please.

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  • No. Just don't. Once a cheater, potentially always a cheater.

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  • cheating is like cancer, even if it's cured it stays in the person's mind and affect the rest of his life

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  • Cheaters are cheaters, you're just a different girl that he'll get used to then as soon as he'll have you figured out he'll start again...

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  • Give it a chance, but I don't know if it will work out.

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  • if it was me I wouldn't trust him, but I'm probably less trusting than most.

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  • It's his paste, let it go. Used time to judge. If he cheater, you can tell, it not hard to tell, ask his ex how she find out. There a lot go in it. Personally, age and etc to determine a person

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  • If you want to give him a chance, just go about it with caution before you get too close to him where losing him would hurt.

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What Girls Said 44

  • if you really are interested in this guy, proceed with caution.

    1) you can't trust his ex's opinion. she'll always be biased because he cheated on her. who knows, maybe he isn't feeding you a line of bullshit and really has learned from his mistakes.

    2) the fact that he was upfront about his past is a plus, but a tiger can't change its stripes. yes, people can change, but not without great effort.

    would i trust him? no. then again, my experience is different from yours; just be careful, since being cheated on is not something you'll ever really come back from.

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  • This is a really difficult situation to be in.
    I think it's good you have the ex girlfriend's opinion. There is always the chance she is still hurt and is saying things to keep him single. However, just as she could be deceiving you, there is a very real chance than he in fact is deceiving you. He did admit to cheating, and that's a good sign. However, for her to call him a scumbag player, that's pretty serious.

    Hmmm, my current boyfriend is a one time cheater. Once my boyfriend cheated on his girlfriend, they broke up, they got back together after a while, broke up for good (no cheating involved) and eventually he and I starting dating. I trusted his story. And he's turned out to be the best, most loyal boyfriend I've ever had the pleasure to date. HOWEVER, the woman he cheated on did not consider him a scum bag player. So, I think cheating once doesn't mean someone is a scumbag player. However, someone saying that is a sign.

    I think you should trust your gut, and if you stay, protect your heart.

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  • There is a Motto in life, @kavyareddy2 that Says: A zebra never changes his stripes.
    However, with what you Know from him and what was Told to you on Another by the Other, Go slow with Joe for now and Don't wear your heart so quick on your sleeve.
    Proof in the Pudding, should this happen again is one thing. But to Prove to you that he has 'Changed and would never do that again,' is a horse of another color that he has to Earn your Trust and Not Expect it right off the bat.
    If a person is Ready to be Committed to Someone and has only eyes for you, he or she should never have to Cheat, although History can Repeat itself. It's just a Chance in Romance that Someone Special is willing to Take to Try with this Person.
    I, myself, have Cheated, I admit, and with being this Fickle Pickle for a few years now, I can honestly say I am not Into another relationship, just Dating, no Mating.
    Good luck and Everyone deserves a Second Chance. xx

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  • Contacting her was a fairly pointless thing to do. Were you expecting her to say he was amazing?

    From someone who has been cheated on let me explain.

    You've been with someone (for me a long time). You want to trust them and not smother them so you allow them to do their own thing. Little do you know, the person you've shared everything with; your insecurities, your love, your body, your decisions; doesn't care and is intimate with someone else. All your love you showed has basically been told it's not good enough or not enough. Essentially, you are not good enough. You weren't even allowed to fix the problem before it was fucked, literally.

    I hate my ex. I think he's a disgusting piece of work. He cheated on me with his best friends little sister who was 15. He was 21. Why would you expect me to say "oh well he's really good at X, y, z. No. He shat on everything I believed in with him and everything I gave.

    Dating his is up to you. Sounds like you already know what you want to do.

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    • As others have said there is always a reason behind cheating and usually it hides with the cheater not the cheated. Whether it's lack of communication, lack of intimacy, whatever, usually the problem is with the cheater.

  • Give him the benefit of the doubt, if you really like him.
    BUT, if he starts acting shady, dodging Q's, manipulating you etc. toss him to the curb.
    I've been in this situation, and that's what I did. He didn't cheat on me unless we were in the "Off" stage of our on-again-off-again relationship, and he had no problem with it. Before I got a chance to boot him out, HE did to ME.
    So trust him from the beginning, but be cautious. Not all men are the same, and sometimes people make mistakes.

    (Cheating can = mistake, cheating does not = accident)

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  • simple answer : NOPE..
    once a cheater always a cheater

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  • well, personally, i wouldn't, but if u can, and if he's a good guy who made a bad mistake, then good on you.

    just... be careful.

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  • Of course you should trust him. Everybody can change, and he admitted that he had done so.
    I must admit it makes me a little bit angry to hear doubt, because I told my ex boyfriend before we started dating that I had once dated two guys at once but regretted it and it was a long time ago. Then it backfired by him always suspected me of cheating, and even broke up with me once because he thought I was cheating.
    Also, the ex girlfriend obviously says he's a jerk because he broke her heart. They didn't have a good break up, so naturally she is pissed.

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  • I wouldn't trust him and because of that it would be best to never enter a relationship with him. Whatever "reason" he used to cheat on her could very well come up in your relationship. It would be too much of a concern for me personally to have and I'd rather be friends. If you can handle that then go for it, but I wouldn't trust him.

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  • Totally disagree. People can and do change all the time, especially when you consider the age and maturity of the person along with the seriousness of the relationship when it occurred. Just remember, there is a MAJOR distinction between a one-off mistake and a repeated pattern of behavior. The former is a major growing experience, while the latter points to an ingrained character flaw. The fact that he's remorseful and upfront about it is a good sign that he's learned his lesson.

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  • I wouldn't trust him period. You should never date a cheater, especially if they have cheated before in the past. They are juts going to do the same thing to you as they did to there exes in the past, don't trust people like that. Save yourself some heartbreak, and try to find a genuine guy that won't cheat on you.

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  • Everyone deserves a second chance. So if your really into him and you can see something conspire out of it, than by all means go into it, but try to be cautious and don't get attached. Cause he might play you, but again who knows what his reasons were. Just try to talk to him about how you feel, it's always better to be open and honest. And I think you should give credit to him for admitting his "mistakes", as it shows maturity. People change, so it's fair to give them a chance, right? Wouldn't you want one?

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  • No I wouldn't!

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  • Well i have this boyfriend that has cheated on his girlfriend before and we've dated each other for pretty long now and he hasn't cheated. His ex stayed with him after he cheated and he broke up with her. You should just trust your gut. The worst that can happen is that he cheats on you. Not a big deal when you're prepared for it. I just wouldn't get too attached until i know for sure he's committed.

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  • Personally I've never met a reformed cheater.

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  • You can give him 1 chance, see if he proves that he's change and doesn't cheat anymore. Though the 2nd he does try to cheat then you should dump him asap.

    Just keep your wits about you.

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  • I would say never judge someone by their past - give them the chance, but obviously be wary if any signs start to show.

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  • Keep your Guard up. He may have changed but you can't be to careful. If you feel that you are exclusive with him, make sure he knows it. Tell him that if he ever gets bored or find someone more interesting that he has to tell you. Make sure he knows that you won't get hurt but you need to know. This way he tells you before he cheats and you can work it out. I would never date someone who cheated, I'd be too scared but he was straight up and honest about it so I wish you well. Good luck. Look out for yourself.

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  • How comfortable are you with him seeing other girls either in front of you will bind you back. You all are only 22 years old so I assume this guy is not 50 meaning he's young also. Young guys cheato

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  • Girl, I have been in a similar situation, trusted he wouldn't do it again, 8 months later I found out about a handful of girls he was sleeping with while we were together. Just be careful.

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  • I don't think we should be quick to judge people based on their past, but at the same time, just move slow and be careful.

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  • it sounds like you don't trust him now if you have to ask this question. so as you have asked you know the answer and you know what you need to do so do it stop wasting time

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  • It really depends on a lot of things. What was his reason for cheating? And why would you contact his ex? Of course she's going to say bad things about him

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  • Cheaters never change. Even if they say they would, I have not come across one that has changed for the better.

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  • Another liar. What a convincing actor with their pokered face

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  • Don't. Just don't. You deserve a better guy.

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  • I wish I was standing next to you when I said this to you so I could grab your face and force you to look me in the eye

    "Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There."

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  • once a cheater, always a cheater girl

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  • Uh, no?

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  • Follow your intuition

    I personally would not date him

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