Why do some girls initiate conversation with you then expect you to carry the whole conversation?

I'm very baffled. I've had some girls off tinder and some of the dating apps message me first or even suggest texting but when I do text them back or respond back, they'll either give one word/generic replies and do nothing to further the conversation.

It's painfully annoying because I feel like I'm doing an interview and it puts pressure on me that I have to come up with something interesting to say all the time or else it's all my fault if there's awkward silences. Fuck that shit, if you're interested in a person and you message them first, you shouldn't expect them to do all the work. Those aren't conversations, those are interviews.

I get that some girls are a little shy at first, but if they're constantly like that then it feels awkward and you'll run out of things to talk about at a point. It's also hard to read cues and mannerisms when it's over text and not in person.

It just seems like it's been a trend as of late. Who else has been dealing with this lately? I feel that even when I ask open ended questions, the same shit happens.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It happens both ways. I even put that in one of my profiles, that if you are not going to have a proper conversation where both people keep it going to not bother. So, it is not a girl or guy thing, it is an individual thing and it is very annoying. Since putting that in my profile I have gotten a good response and no longer get that so try that.

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    • Right, and I didn't mean to make it just aimed towards women. I'm sure men do the same too.

      It's really funny when people say they want someone who values/can hold a conversation and then still gives one word/generic replies. Not talking about you but I've dealt with a few like that. Even when I ask questions about them, they still do the same shit. Watching paint dry is more interesting than talking to them, goddamn.

Most Helpful Guy

  • Everyone, men and women, boys and girls, wants to feel desired and wanted. Everyone wants to receive affection. But, nobody wants to ask for affection. Nobody wants to have to ask for attention, or being made to feel like they're wanted or desired. Why? Because it would take away from the feeling, while simultaneously exposing a vulnerability to someone who may either take it and run with it, or not respond to that information in a caring, loving and sensitive way.

    When you're still a stranger to a girl, "trust" is missing. She doesn't feel safe. She doesn't feel secure. All she may feel is that she's attracted to you and curious about you. From that point, all she wants from you is attention and validation. She wants to feel safer and more secure. She wants to be able to trust you more and be more comfortable with you and around you.

    In jujitsu, it's analogous to "passing guard." Sure, if you're obsessed with things like emotional control, or if you're very insecure and need to monopolize the attention and validation for yourself (as a man), then maybe you'll play dumb and be like, "Err, I don't know why this girl initiates and then wants me to continue the convo."

    Did you initiate? Did you risk rejection? Did you put yourself out there? No. She did. She made you feel good about yourself. She gave you attention and made you feel wanted and desired, valued and appreciated (sexually, as a man). How much of that do you need? Do you think she needs any? Wouldn't it be nice to give some of that feeling back to her? Don't you think it's about time and only fair that you reciprocate?

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What Girls Said 8

  • Some women still have the age-old desire to be pursued, or see the questioning stage as the man's obligation. It's an outdated way of thinking. I think the reason that women are approaching you and then expecting you to carry the conversation is, plainly, that they aren't being approached and pursued by the men that they want, so they are picking you out and hoping you chase them.

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    • Yeah, but when they give generic replies and do nothing to further the conversation, we don't have any cues as to if were doing too much or too little. That's one of the struggles we face, finding a balance between not being overly interested but not showing any interest.

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    • @Northerngal90 Yeah that does happen in person of course. My point being is if they're initiating the first message or texting, they should have more to say than just generic/one word replies.

      It's a whole different story if we first initiate them and are starting from scratch.

    • Well there's this guy at my work who talks to me but I can't think of much to say and I think he thinks I'm rude... I do know he has an attraction toward me, that might be why

  • I guess the conversations run dry because they don't really know what else to talk about. If you find that they don't really have much in common with you sometimes its a struggle to keep the conversation flowing. Why do some guys just lurk around you and stand next to you like spare parts and don't even bother initiating a conversation, instead they expect you to take them by the hand.

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  • Tinder probably isn't the best place to look for a serious girlfriend. I would imagine you'd have to sieve through a lot of fake accounts and people looking for attention first (for both sexes)

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  • Maybe it's not an expectation they just get nervous and you end up picking up the slack. Same thing happens with guys. Not everything uncomfortable is intentional :)

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    • The problem with it is the uncertainty meaning you don't know if they're shy/nervous or they're uninterested and are that way as a sign for you to leave them alone. That's the real problem with it.

  • You have to say something interesting or they won't be interested in talking to you. Honestly I get tons of matches a day but I don't like talking people, I just think it's fun to swipe sometimes. I'll only respond to a guy if they say something that's interesting. I've gotten so many what's up, how are you doing, you're hot, where'd you take your first picture. I usually only respond if they say something funny

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    • Initially yes, but if they always expect the guy to come up with something interesting while they don't do anything then that's bullshit.

      You ever been on a date that feels like an interview? It's painfully annoying as hell.

    • Very true... That doesn't happen with everyone though. When you click with someone conversation just flows. You probably just weren't compatible with them

  • They like to be chased

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  • Maybe you should consider dating in real life because most people men and women on dating apps do that a lot

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    • Oh believe me, I'd much prefer that by a long shot. It's just hard to meet women in public and bars aren't the best places to meet people, not for the long term at least.

  • Then those girls aren't for you. I think some girls are shy and it takes a lot out of them just to say hi. And it's hard to continue the conversation with someone they're not familiar with. I get that it can be tiresome and that's why a lot of shy people are single. But most people don't stick around long enough for them to come out of their shells

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What Guys Said 8

  • Don't waste your time pressuring conversation on Tinder. Basically, Tinder is a girl's magic wand, and if she's interested in someone, she'll try and converse with him. You can be as funny or cool or intelligent or witty or whatever as you like, but the moment she matches with someone she's more physically attracted to, you're yesterday's news.

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    • Right but it's not just from tinder.

  • This makes me feel like I need to have a quick witted words just in case For conversation, and it's tough and sometimes tiring to have something to say that'll interest someone mostly a girl all the time.

    I'm not gonna be in cool guy mode all the time, ready to pop up witty comments and be interesting to women all the time.. I wish but at times a girl can talk to me and I'll be bored, annoyed by something at the moment, had a crappy day and be expected to turn into cool guy mode.. it's tough.. sorry ladies

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    • Yeah same happens to both genders, but you're right. Not everyone is in the mood to have something interesting to say 24/7. I've had that happen when I'm tired as well and I'm at a bar or wherever.

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    • Yeah I can relate. My point being is it shouldn't be 100% our effort and 0% theirs. That's all I'm saying.

      That's like someone you have sex with who just sits there, does nothing, and expects you to do all the work and then complains that you're a bad lay. You get what I'm saying?

    • Heck yeah totally bro! it should be them too who need to live us up too when we're grumpy. I guess girls see that and smile at us to make us happy

  • This, so much this.

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  • I like leading situations to where I want it to end up

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    • Well there's a difference between taking the lead and having it be completely one sided.

  • can't be too serious and have to get right to the point. just get her snapchat and vaguely talk through that til you can schedule a date

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  • Their mom's and dad's told them to.

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  • those girls on those things get a fuckin ton of messages, she probably just found some1 better.

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  • They are attention whores. Majority of women today are like that and don't seem to think they have to try because they deem you low value.

    You really want to see how chatty women can be and how much interest they can show. Switch your profile out with a good looking guy.

    And watch as your mind is blow. Point being. You should never chase women. Never initiate contact excessively with them. If they are interested they'll contact you. If they aren't well they aren't worth it. All men need to start doing this and weeding out all the women who are just trash which is a sizable amount in this day and age.

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