Why do I keep backing out of relationships?

I got in a relationship recently and two weeks later, I left him for a variety of reasons, but I just wasn't feeling it.

I've been seeing another guy recently and it's been going okay, though there's a lot of negatives that come with him, that I won't go into because people would be like "run for the hills" but there's something about him that attracts me to him, besides his mother threatening to beat me up the other day, we have fun together.

But now I'm thinking of withdrawing again and I have done so today (barely replying to him). I've been thinking a lot about him and instead of weighing pros and cons, I just give up. Especially as more of my family and friends know about him, I guess it pressures me to make a final decision. I don't know. Plus, I know if I turn him down, he'll get really upset and will work hard to get me back (he already did that once last year) and then I'd feel super bad.

I'm on antidepressants too which I feel has affected my ability to fall in love and it has been studied that they can have that affect.

tl;dr: I keep withdrawing from guys and I'm not sure why.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think it's important to say, that you don't necessarily need to be with anybody. I've been single for a long time, and it's fine. Not that I don't get lonely, haha, but I see it's what I need right now. To focus on myself.

    As for these guys, it's really hard to say without knowing you and understanding your thought processes. Maybe you're trying to rationalise things too much. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. Doesn't mean that you won't feel it for some guy, months, years down the line. For me, the sense of quality is important. Meaning, I can have a lot of things going on, and just half heartedly put my attention in all of them. Or, if I go into a relationship say, I can be sure that I really like her enough in some form to make it joyous. To give an example, I'm totally the opposite of someone who would sleep around or is just focused on sex; however I would even consider a sex based relationship, if, as I say, I liked her on some higher level and I could give her some proper attention. That's just me, anyway.

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    • The other thing is, you're very apologetic. Decide what you want, truly, deep down, and stick with that. Don't allow people to make you feel guilty for your decision. Maybe you're trying to people please? I don't know. But what do you want, ultimately. If you want to be single, be single, fuck every body else. If you want to get with this guy, do so.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you simply get into relationships without actually caring enough for the person you are with

    My advice... dont get into relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship

    Wait to fall in love... have that "this is it" feeling and only then enter a relationship

    If not, u will be changing boyfriends like a techy changes iphone versions...

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What Guys Said 18

  • Time to go see a counselor! Why are you on anti depressants... is one topic to work through. It probably is because you are not comfortable connecting witha nd getting close to someone else.

    His mom wants to beat you up? ... not good...
    how about forget about boys right now, focus on getting yourself healthy and loving yourself... get off the drugs, then try again. Relationships are tough and work and you are starting off on the wrong foot it seems.

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  • Possibly because somewhere deep down you can sense these lads are toxic. You want them to have the "cool" attributes but actually be decent human beings, I can already picture what type he is and what his family environment he comes from if his bloody MUM threatens to knock you around.

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    • Yeah, it's a rough background.

    • I called her an unfit mother a year ago so that's why.

    • I agree with akadatank44, you need to go sifting through the coal to find another diamond - actually it sounds like you're doing just that without you realising it, there's the answer to your actual question xD. There is nothing wrong with upholding your standards, if you want the fit, slightly naughty guy, who is really a gem inside then you've got to go through this, else you're just settling. I do get the impression though that you're not quite up to this sort of game, because you say you feel bad when you reject and they go all puppy eyes on you. You can't do that and keep looking for that *one* guy because you'll have to go through so many to find him - it'll drive you insane

      The only thing i can advise is perhaps trying blokes outside of your normal circle. Go for educated high-achievers (plenty of handsome ones) even if that's not normally your 'crowd' - never let that stop you.

  • Probably because you are "Seeing" guys, I assume you are sleeping with them? You are terrified of surrendering your heart fully to them, because they are too weak and cowardly to put in their dues before sleeping with you. Back in the day, it used to require a marriage certificate before a woman gave her body up, now all it takes is a nice hairdo and some sweetly spoken words, whether he means them or not.

    Deny the man or men you are seeing now all sexual contact. Don't even kiss them. When they leave to find someone else, you can be sure sex is all they wanted from you.

    Will you give your heart to a man who only likes you because you sleep with him? Of course not.

    This is why you withdraw.

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  • I think that these guys simply didn't meet the requirements you want in a man, whatever those requirements are.

    Explore your mind and soul, and see if you can pinpoint the qualities you want and don't want in a man, so you can understand your own behavioral patterns.

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  • You're clearly not ready for a new relationship yet. You should wait until you really feel the "urge" again.

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  • Maybe you're afraid to get attached to someone... that's common. You'll have to take your time to build confidence in the friendzone before you make it a relationship. It's not rare, don't be too embarrassed!

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    • I was thinking about all of this and I think I kind of know. I used to always look at the positives of guys and ignore the bad but then the bad came around to bite me in the ass and I'd always be surprised. I started doing this with the current guy, ignoring some pretty bad stuff and thinking of some of the positives, but then I started focusing on all the negatives and it turned me away. I did the same for the last guy.

    • Yeah, I understand Hannah... you'll have to try and love people for their strong and weak points :D
      You know, we're human so we all have our weaknesses but it gives people such a good feeling when their loved ones accept these weaknesses or love them for those :D

  • I think you haven't met the right guy yet. Dont fell bad about letting this one go. If you are not feeling it and there is a lot of negatives it's not worth it. This is why your giving up. It won't feel this way when you meet the right guy.

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    • I did have the right guy but he left me so I have to deal with the second bests lol.

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    • So I have to go through another line of Mr Wrongs to get to Mr Right #2?

      I seem to be having a hard time with guys recently. They're either "nice" but "forceful" or they're rough looking and have a terrible past and present, but very deep down, they're nice and more intelligent than most of my ex's.

    • Not necessarily but it could be true. When you meet the right person there is no questioning the relationship or the person. Right now your kinda iffy and pushing away that shouldn't be the case I think. When me and my current girl met we were both out of a stressful relationships for awhile and we were not looking for anything. The first 3 days we talked we had the time of our lives like fireworks. Its still that day. We had no idea things would happen like it has. It just happened

      I highly wouldn't recommend dating a guy with a terrible past and present. Even if deep down they are nice.

  • I think you should keep away from dating and relationships until your have your shit together... Other wise you are just going to end up hurting someone and looking bad... There.

    Take my advice

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    • And yes antidepressants affect your mind and you in general... Don't tend them
      They will make your even worse they won't help

  • Maybe you have some form of deep rooted commitment issue you have not resolved

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  • My guess is that you had a poor home life, parents had a poor marriage. Thus turned you off.

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  • "his mother threatening to beat me up" ... lmao I'm dead.

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  • Says here under @akadatank44 that you aren't over your ex. Duh?

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    • It was over a year ago

    • And? I mean, your comment "I did have the right guy but he left me so I have to deal with the second bests lol" seems pretty clear to me. It might take years and years to get over someone you loved, depending on the person.

  • either didn't meet your requirements or you just didn't deem him worthy

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  • you're a coward., that's why

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  • Because you need the touch of a woman.
    And you have all sorts of mental issues.

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    • I've already had that and I only have depression and anxiety which is controlled.

    • I just don't think you're all that interested in commitment if I am to be honest and not joke around.

  • You're the L-word.

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  • Is the sex good? Sex is the glue that keeps relationships together

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    • With who?

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    • I slept with the other guy and that didn't happen.

    • Probably because the sex was shit or it wasn't the right person. Honestly your gut is the best meter about a relationship. Just find a dude that feels right, the kind that you feel electricity from kissing. If a guy doesn't make you feel that it's the wrong dude

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What Girls Said 1

  • You might be a commitment phobe like me.

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    • But every relationship I've been in has lasted at least a year up until now.

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