My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year and a half now. However it wasn't until 8 months into our relationship that I found out that he is a smoker (both weed and cigarettes). He had attempted to hide them both from me knowing that I didn't really identify with smoking nor find it desirable. Sadly, I found out through mutual friends about him being a fairly regular smoker and not from him.
Since then, we've discussed the topic and he has agreed to try and quit the cigarettes. I'm proud of him for that. But he just won't budge on the weed. Honestly, I don't care if people smoke it or not, everyone has their own body and can do what they want, but I personally don't care for it (the culture, the smell, being the only one sober, etc.) But he gets so defensive when I say I don't like it. Weed isn't for everybody, and I just don't enjoy being around it. When we talk about living together, weed is an issue because I don't want it to be in the house making everything smell bad. And this makes him upset because no matter what, he wants to have his weed there.
Any time I try to explain why I just don't care to smoke it and why I'd prefer not to be around it, he starts acting like a know-it-all and tells me that he doesn't understand why I feel that way and that it's probably just because I've never tried it. He doesn't seem to care or understand when I say that it's just not my scene and I don't care for it. And it has me worried about our future. My boyfriend works in fast food, has no desire to pursue a higher education, and plays video games and smokes with his friends in his free time. I just feel like I'm the opposite of him and I'm not sure what to do. I love him, but I'm afraid these things are going to turn into bigger issues.
I don't even know what to say to him any more because I never get anywhere with him and I always leave those conversations feeling misunderstood and incredibly annoyed. Does anybody have advice?
Most Helpful Guy
You have to get past his defenses before you can have a meaningful conversion on the subject. Sun Tzu says, defend where you can't be attacked and attack where they can't defend" so if we apply that notion here, you need to get past his defenses before you attack. Try diffusing the situation first. Agree with him so you can disagree.
Sun Tzu also says, “he who understands both his opponent and himself will be victorious in every battle" so understand his arguments, understand where he's coming from.1
Most Helpful Girl
I've dated two chronic pot smokers in the past and never again... ever. I can't begin to tell you the problems it causes because to those guys it's their lifestyle. It's a part of them. They live and breathe WEED. That's what their life is all about - getting high. The one thing they both also had in common is the fact that neither of them was willing to stop and I had to eventually leave or in the one case; got dumped due to the fact that we were blatantly incompatible. It sounds like your boyfriend is never going to stop and unfortunately your options is to stay and accept or to leave. There's no way around. I tried endlessly with my last boyfriend for him to cut down as it was affecting his studies but he never listened. Those type of guys will choose weed over you and that's the fact of the matter. I'm SO glad none of my relationships with them worked out and my boyfriend now completely stopped smoking cigarettes for me too and he only smokes pot occasionally and if in a group setting he always asks my permission. He is not addicted to it, it's not his lifestyle and he definitely won't choose weed over me. I think that's the type of guy any girl should strive to have. Not someone who chooses a substance over their relationship.1