My boyfriend and I currently live together and have been dating for almost 4 years. He is perfect. He is kind, sweet, attentive... Everything you could ask for, really. However, when we fight, we fight bad. Most of our arguments are resolved easily, but when our arguments get out of control... Everything gets out of control. Usually, when my temper rises, I attack him. I've hit him, and scratched him, and I always feel horrible afterwards. It's almost like I can't control my actions because my rage controls everything, and it's like the only way I can calm down is by hitting something. I've had a very abusive childhood, so being violent when angry is the only thing I know. And yes, I'm currently in therapy for it. The past year however, he's been violent towards me as well. For instance, if I insult him (during an argument) or push him, he'll push me back harder, drag me, slam me against the wall and he's even put his hands around my neck. Last night was the worst argument we've had. We exchanged hurtful words, and instead of attacking him, I began throwing things in our apartment to release my anger. I also threw a belt in his direction which hit him in the leg and then I grabbed his keys and said I would be back later. He immediately snatched the keys from my hand and started dragging me on the floor. I struggled back and he slammed my head on the floor as a means to stop me, and I burst out crying. He threw ice in my direction and then after yelling at each other, we managed to calm down by the end of the night and went to bed. I'm terrified. Not of him, but our anger -- mostly my anger issues. I don't want to leave him... Especially since I'm the one who attacks him first and I'm getting help for it, but I really don't know what to do. He has scratches on his body from where I attacked him and I have bruises from him. And I'm scared that we'll keep hurting each other. I don't want to lose him because he's such an amazing person (aside from the anger).
Just to clarify, we do not fight like this often. In the beginning, I would shut down and talk about the situation weeks later (extreme end of being cold and distant) and now I am on the other opposite extreme spectrum when it comes to my rage.
Over the course of our 4 years together, we've had maybe 5 bad fights like this one. Last night has been our worst, and hopefully last as I'm going to seek counseling today, I don't know if moving out is an option...
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Your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. Things are only going to escalate u til you both get your issues sorted out. My advice would be to live separately and break up while you individually seek the help you need to learn healthy relationship behaviours and how to control your emotions. Because of your childhood, there will be a lot you need to unpack and deal with before the real healing can begin so this is not going to be a quick process, but you simply cannot be in a relationship until you get your shit sorted out. The way the violence in York home has escalated so far, you are both endangering one another's physical wellbeing and eventually, one of you will do something that cannot be taken back.0