My boyfriend and I currently live together and have been dating for almost 4 years. He is perfect. He is kind, sweet, attentive... Everything you could ask for, really. However, when we fight, we fight bad. Most of our arguments are resolved easily, but when our arguments get out of control... Everything gets out of control. Usually, when my temper rises, I attack him. I've hit him, and scratched him, and I always feel horrible afterwards. It's almost like I can't control my actions because my rage controls everything, and it's like the only way I can calm down is by hitting something. I've had a very abusive childhood, so being violent when angry is the only thing I know. And yes, I'm currently in therapy for it. The past year however, he's been violent towards me as well. For instance, if I insult him (during an argument) or push him, he'll push me back harder, drag me, slam me against the wall and he's even put his hands around my neck. Last night was the worst argument we've had. We exchanged hurtful words, and instead of attacking him, I began throwing things in our apartment to release my anger. I also threw a belt in his direction which hit him in the leg and then I grabbed his keys and said I would be back later. He immediately snatched the keys from my hand and started dragging me on the floor. I struggled back and he slammed my head on the floor as a means to stop me, and I burst out crying. He threw ice in my direction and then after yelling at each other, we managed to calm down by the end of the night and went to bed. I'm terrified. Not of him, but our anger -- mostly my anger issues. I don't want to leave him... Especially since I'm the one who attacks him first and I'm getting help for it, but I really don't know what to do. He has scratches on his body from where I attacked him and I have bruises from him. And I'm scared that we'll keep hurting each other. I don't want to lose him because he's such an amazing person (aside from the anger).
Just to clarify, we do not fight like this often. In the beginning, I would shut down and talk about the situation weeks later (extreme end of being cold and distant) and now I am on the other opposite extreme spectrum when it comes to my rage.
Over the course of our 4 years together, we've had maybe 5 bad fights like this one. Last night has been our worst, and hopefully last as I'm going to seek counseling today, I don't know if moving out is an option...
**moving out isn't an option because we have no place to stay separately (can't afford it)
Your relationship is toxic and unhealthy. Things are only going to escalate u til you both get your issues sorted out. My advice would be to live separately and break up while you individually seek the help you need to learn healthy relationship behaviours and how to control your emotions. Because of your childhood, there will be a lot you need to unpack and deal with before the real healing can begin so this is not going to be a quick process, but you simply cannot be in a relationship until you get your shit sorted out. The way the violence in York home has escalated so far, you are both endangering one another's physical wellbeing and eventually, one of you will do something that cannot be taken back.
Generally this kind of anger and escalation comes from both partners feeling like they're being treated unfairly.
Relationships tend to spiral towards an end when partners *demand* fairness. Things will always never be quite fair, each person develops a narrative of their partner's actions and what upsets them. You could listen to both partners and both will be right and both will wrong.
If you don't want to lose him, you have to learn emotional maturity and tactics to avoid escalating the situation. I used to be like this (not physically violent, but I would escalate and escalate the situation by being cold and distant).
The way I found to gain control over my behavior was when I started making a very conscious effort to do the *exact opposite*. When I was so angry at a girl that I was tempted to call her a bitch, the last thing I wanted to do was hug her and gently tell her what was bothering me about her behavior.
And that's what I managed to force myself to do one time. I was so angry at this girl, but I hugged her and calmly told her what was bothering me. After the first time I did this (it was so hard to force myself), I never got into relationships with women that were no longer quite peaceful. That's not to say I don't get angry sometimes, but I can de-escalate the situation to a point where there's nothing to be angry about anymore within a few minutes.
If you can get the hang of this one time, it'll really help. Snuggle and hug when you're tempted to yell and punch.
You will keep hurting each. neither of you two should be in a relationship right now, with each other or otherwise. you both have very serious abusive tendencies. you both need to work those out. being with each other is like putting a lit match and oil rags in a closet together, they are going to start a fire.
until you two both can resolve your anger issues and abusive tendencies the relationship is going to continue to be toxic
I am a nerd and the amount of abuse that I received in school is palpable to you hopefully. I understand your problem well. Because when hurt or angry those past feeling just rise up and you realise that things were never fair for you. You feel messed up, being targeted for others fault! And I sympathise ! I suggest you take a break out of the relation! Do not break up or something! Just take a break or distance yourself a bit! And get on serious with your therapy! I know it helped for me! Your violent relation might ruin both your lives! I tried to commit suicide myself out of trauma and anger and the depression! Do not delve into this things! Sit down and talk maturely with your boyfriend and get a break! OK? Abuse is not the solution! You are making things hard for him too and you have no right to do it! So take a break that all I suggest!
I know you don't want to hear it, but look at the worst case scenario. You're both unfit for a relationship. My advice break up, and work on your issues. Only get into a relationship when you have dealt with your issues and feel ready. Alternative doesn't sound good, lets not ever get to worst case scenario.
I'm always amazed by such amount of disharmony in a relationship. The hardest fight I had with my girl so far is that she got angry with me and then I left. Later on I apologized to her and everything was alright again. Seriously, I see hardly any real love between you two.
Man, this is a real bad situation. If y'all keep going this route, someone is going to end up dead and you may not think so but this will only get worse if something doesn't change NOW. Your getting help, but do you feel its helping you with your rage? Are they telling you ways to calm yourself as soon as you feel the rage and are you doing it?
I don't see how anyone can stay with someone who hurts them physically but hey to each its own. This is not healthy and you know it. Sounds like no one wants to leave, but y'all should not be together if its to the point of abuse.
Well, you acknowledge you have a problem. next thing to do is talk to someone about it.
I was taught if you want to act like a man you get treated like a man. So if I put my hands on a mad I expect for him to hit me back. You know what I'm saying. Lady why don't you just leave when you get angry or just try to avoid the argument alltogether. if he starts arguing don't say a word.