If he doesn't want a relationship should I cut him off completely?

I've been talking to a guy for almost 4 months. We've had sex 4 times and I spent the night with him 3 times. The times we were together was fun and relaxing. there's always laughter and conversation. He told me that he likes me and I told him that I like him. When together he acts as if we are a couple. He holds my hands, cuddles with me, kisses me passionately and kisses me goodbye everytime. The chemistry between us is really strong. Yesterday I asked him what he wants something casual like friends with benefits or something not casual because my feelings are involved. I told him that I like him and I want more from him than just sex. He told me that he has like being single and it's been working for him and he can just focus on himself and it's easier that way. He said his relationships never really worked out and all. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me. I was upset and told him that I was hurt but I don't hate him. I told him that we could still be friends and hang out etc. The conversation went from sad and serious to light and non serious. But now I'm wondering if I should go back on what I said and just never contact him again and not be his friend. I know what I have to offer and I wanted to give it to him but he wants to be single. I know that I have a very strong, warm and loyal love but he wants to be single. I don't know if he's been hurt frome his past relationships or what. This really hurt me. And even though our conversation eneded on good terms Im feeling heart broken inside and I don't know if I should even be his friend. I don't know if I should just vanish?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You won't believe this but I'm almost in the same exact predicament except for the fact my ex broke up with me to be with another guy immediately after she broke up with me. I felt that we shared the same feelings for each other, but I guess I was wrong. We did all the things you described and I thought we had both fallen for each other. Suffice to say I fell for her hard and she broke my heart like no other.

    From my experience I'd say give it time 3 - 4 weeks of no contact. Let your emotions take their course cry, go out with friends, let out your frustrations. In that period if he felt anything for you, he'll be the one to initiate contact because he feels empty without you. If he doesn't, that time period will have given you plenty of time to get over him and he wasn't worth your time anyways.

    At least in your case he didn't lead you on, only to abruptly break up and move on so quickly from you. 😢

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    • I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope you find someone much better than that.

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    • It's ok =) but yea it does suck but I guess you have to hope that there's better out there.

    • Thank you for MHO!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Let me just tell you my duties real quick. I met a man at work who's a pretty great guy. We hung out a lot, have a lot in common. Except for one huge thing...

    He does not want a relationship now in his life. I don't know if it's just me or with anyone either ( he said he doesn't want one with anyone but he may just not want to hurt me).

    Now I didn't listen to him OR my intuition. He told me early on he wasn't ready. I didn't listen and further invested myself.

    Fast forward over 2 years later and I've now had to completely distance myself from him. We have not seen each other since April. We have had absolutely NO contact for about 6 weeks. It kills me cause I miss him like crazy! We did nut part ways badly at all. I just realize now I have to do this for me. I obviously didn't (couldn't?) change his mind. We had a great friendship, no drama and lots of good times.

    So, take all that in and if you want to be where I'm at 2 years from now, go ahead and do what you're doing. My advice is to move on and heal now.

    I know I'm not emotionally ready to be his friend right now, no f'ing way even though I miss him sooo damn much. I only hope I can be his friend in the future.

    Best of luck to you. If there's one thing I learned from this is when a person says they aren't ready or don't want a relationship---you MUST believe them and decide from there what you want to do. Don't do what I did and hang onto hope and waste precious time and sanity by hoping they'll change their mind. It sucks real bad.

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    • Thank you for the MHO

What Guys Said 11

  • From a female:

    "They're going for the guys a lot of other girls would want too. The problem with that is when people have a ton of options for sexual and romantic partners who are all of similar caliber, they're more likely to think of you as disposable and replaceable, and not be emotionally invested in you.

    Those women need to communicate more and have boundaries. If a guy doesn't want to go out on dates, get to know you, be exclusive, etc. and is only interested in sex... don't hang out with him. It doesn't matter how great he seems. That's not what you're looking for, so why bother? If girls collectively did this, they'd see better results.

    Obviously, there are also girls who don't mind just having sex with someone, and that's fine, but I'm talking to the girls who want more but still stick around hoping he'll change his mind. 90% of the time it won't happen, or even if it does it'll be short-lived, so you're just better off not wasting your time and emotions on that guy."

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  • he's a fucking duche. "He doesn't want to hurt you but doesn't want to be in a relationship" Dump him. Your better off

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    • Yea it's probably best. I actually posted a couple other questions about him and you answered them lol. But yea I think he just wants sex but didn't be very clear about it and probably used me. I thought he was a nice guy but I guess not I just don't get why he tells me that he likes me and he's always affectionate with me and stuff but the says something else. It feels like mind games.

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    • Yeah it sucks but if he'd be a man and do the right thing he'd be better off. He shouldn't play with your thoughts and feelings. Thats not cool. Lol what where your other questions? 😛

    • Yup he would be better off with me. I would have treated him the way a woman should lol. But yea it's his loss. Maybe one day he will realize that he had something special in front of him but by then it may be too late. But I don't remember the other questions word for word but they were asking how you can tell if someone likes you or not.

  • It sounds like he's just using you. He prob has a few girls going at the same time. If you just want sex then thats fine.
    But if you need something more serious then you need to tell him you would like to be friends but no more sex.
    This will leave you open to find a guy who wants a relationship with you.

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    • Yea probably does. To think about how he probably has other girls he's talking to and having sex with hurts. If he reaches out to me and asks me to spend the night again then I'll tell him that. But for the meantime I won't reach out to him or start conversations with him. And I don't just want sex. Sex feels great with him but I want a relationship, memories, adventures and time spent together.

    • With that in mind I definitely think you should make yourself available to other guys and get yourself a real loving boyfriend.

  • Nope all he wants is a fuck buddy and that'll never change no matter how much you fuck him

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    • Yea I don't want to have sex with him anymore. It'll be too hard for me because I like him a lot. And judging by how sad I am by this it seems I have feelings for him.

    • I'm sorry

    • It will pass trust me... I have broken many hearts I am not bragging they move on I move on did I mention I got stomped many times you just move on he wants sexxxxxxx

  • Just vanish. He used you for sex. I think he might be retarded because you sound like a great offer. His loss.

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    • Do you think he'll ever realize that? My cousin said it's going to hit him later down the road and he's going to miss me when I'm gone. But you're right. It is his loss.

    • Yes, he'll realize it. But it will be too late for him when he realizes it because you're going to find someone better than him.

    • I hope so. I haven't been having any luck with guys. Guys I talk to even past boyfriends have hurt me. I'm tired of being a decent person and being hurt and used.

  • I've never been hurt from past relationships but prefer to remain single. One doesn't have to be hurt to make such decisions, sometimes it's just a simpler, drama free, calm, peaceful and uncomplicated life. The difference is that I wouldn't even get involved to the extent he has with you.

    You say you have a very loyal love to offer but you also bring with it things that add complications to the peaceful single life (emotions always do). Your best bet is to cease all contact but I doubt you will be able to do so.

    Part of the reason why time spent with him is so relaxing and fun is because he can be free, doesn't have to worry about all of the things that a relationship brings. It's a conundrum because part of the reason why you find him so attractive is because he is not in a relationship with you.

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  • He gave you the friends with benefits speech. You're an idiot if you fall for it, unless that's what you wanted to begin with.

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    • I didn't fall for it. I clearly stated to him what I want. I haven't spoken to him in a couple days. So far so good. I have a feeling he will contact me again.

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    • His next attempt will be slightly more nuanced. Hey. At least he's not a liar.

    • Hmm maybe not a liar but definitely not completely clear or honest and confused. When we first started talking I was clear to him that I don't want and won't do a friend's with benefits and that I wasn't looking for anything like that. He told me that he wasn't either and that isn't his kind of thing. Throughout this he has been confusing and acts like he doesn't know what he wants. But if he just wants sex I can't do that. I want, need and deserve more.

  • Vanish

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  • if your goals dont align then find someone who's will

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  • You should be honest about whether you can happily be just friends with him while moving on with your dating life elsewhere, vs. putting on hold while you hang out with him falling for him more.

    If you need to cut contact (which wouldn't be unusual), then do it.

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  • Typical woman you are. Sigh

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What Girls Said 9

  • I think you know deep inside what you want. And it sounds like you dont want any fooling around. It sounds like you want something he can't offer you for one reason or another. The reason is not the issue here, the issue is that you want different things. And he doesn't seem like a good guy if he didn't take you seriously.
    I know it sucks and it hurts, I know it from a similar experience. There were times I were so furstrated and times I were bottomlessly sad, but I am getting better and stronger now. For your own sake, just leave him. Tell him you know what you want and he clearly can't give it to you. Then leave.

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    • Yea it has been hard. I've been feeling really sad about it. I really liked him. I actually had a crush on him in high school and got in contact with him again that's how we started talking. I even told him that I liked him since high school. It just hurts if all he wanted was sex I would rather it be cold and emotionless sex. But it wasn't and he was always affectionate and stuff which made me feel even closer to him. It's probably best if I just vanish. I mean we already talked and he knows what I want.

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    • Okey, good luck! Focus on yourself! Just leave him by himself, you'll need distance now. Dont wait for him, he comes if he comes.

    • That's true. Thank you.

  • I can see why they didn't work out. All it was about is sex. Your not changing his mind. He used you for sex. You need to understand that having sex is not going to you a relationship. Your tossing yourself to guys and you want to know why your heartbroken. Sex doesn't have to define you. You need to let this guy go, and stop having Sex period. Focus on building character and become a better person then this. Stop offering yourself. That will never make a person want you for you. And you will always be disappointed. Not worth it. And by you sleeping with him like that. I'm sure he has another perception of you as somebody who is not worth a relationship with. Move on. And learn from this. Not continue with another guy and get into an abusive relationship because it started out with sex... again.

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    • Actually I normally wait until I'm in a relationship to have sex with guys. And sometimes when I waited months to have sex with guys after we were in a relationship they have still treated me bad. I have great character and im a decent person with lots to offer. Sex doesn't define me and I don't believe that. At this point I don't really care if he has a negative perception of me just because we slept together. It takes two to have sex and in that case I should have a negative perception of him too and not see him as relationship quality. But I'm very much so relationship quality. Every guy I ever dated or had sex with with the exception of 1 has come back and wanted me in their life again and I was the one to cut them off completely because they treated me bad. It's fine to give an option but It's not good to judge people with out knowing the whole story. But thanks for your opinion =)

  • I am kinda in the same situation, only that now I'm on summer vacation, he still talks to me but I'm very confused about what he wants. It's frustrating how moody he can be!
    Hey, at least he told you clearly what he wants instead of playing with you! Tell yourself that you had a great 4 months and get over him.
    You sound like a smart woman, give yourself the chance to meet people who truly deserve you, not selfish men who don't care about your feelings.
    Be strong, move on, I'm sure you'll meet a better person :*

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    • I meant people who you truly deserve as well lol got too emotional

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    • You sound like an amazing woman! He's lucky to have you and he's stupid if he doesn't reach out to you!
      I wish you the best!

    • Thank you! Good luck to you as well. Hopefully he can see that. If not it's his loss.

  • He doesn't want a relationship and you'll always want more even as his friend. Save yourself the pain and start moving on.

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    • You're right. Even as his friend I would probably think of the times we shared and want more. And my feelings wouldn't go away with seeing his face. I want to distance myself from him. I know he's going to reach out to me again though.

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    • It's sad I wish he would have a change of heart but I can't wait for a maybe or something possibly changing in the future. I have to accept right now the present and I deserve Dates, love and stuff like that.

    • You do deserve more but he won't ever give it to you. It's hard and it will take time but making the effort is what will help you eventually get over him.

  • Move on. Especially if it's been months. He doesn't want a relationship with you. It sucks but better to quit wasting your time!

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    • Is it just me he doesn't want a relationship with or does he not want a relationship at all with anyone? I guess either way I just have to heal and move on. I just don't know what to say when he contacts me and reaches out to me.

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    • @chriss you don't think he'll ever realize what he had or could have had even with distance, space and time?

    • no because if you don't like someone then you will never feel like that. don't let your mind create things that will lead to false happiness

  • I don't think you need to cut him off completely but I would definitely stop sleeping with him and maybe distance yourself for a while since your feelings are involved.. Which is obviously really hard. I've been in this situation before and it only made me feel worse because I wanted to date him and he was not ready... And he never became ready and I became more and more hurt and even depressed. It can be a big hit on your self esteem wondering why you're not good enough.. But it's better to find someone else who is on the same page as you and wants to be with you!

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  • you are being used for sex here... its obvious

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  • Do it now please mainly for urself. please. I've been talking to a guy for 2yrs only to find out he never cared. please save urself loves.

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  • so this is bascially my situation but i dont want a relationship lol. babes, the only way you two could still be normal together is if your okay with being a fuck buddy to him bc he clearly dosent want commitment right now in his life. it sucks bc women do this a lot, act like they can handle being on the side for him when they really want to be his girl. its up to you, i say you should distance yourself a bit... stay busy, find hobbies, hang with girlfriends and try to get your mind off him for a bit then see how you feel. dont do anything just bc you think he will like it, make sure you do what makes you feel good. xo

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    • I know that I can't handle being on the side. I know that I do want to be his girl. I want him emotionally and physically and I want to have adventures etc with him. That's why I asked him these things yesterday. I couldn't go on having sex and spending the night with him if it's not going to grow into something. The way he is with me has gotten me emotionally invested. I guess I should just distance myself from him.

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