He literally tells me that I'm "perfect" which is the farthest thing from the truth. I used to experiment with drugs when I was in high school, I dated a couple of guys who were emotionally abusive towards me, and I just don't think he'd like me if he knew about my colourful past. I have a lot of regrets in life but I don't want to mislead him by making him think that I've always been on this straight path. Should I tell him about the things I used to do? Will he still like me? It's just a lot of pressure to live up to his expectations because it's not who I truly am on the inside. Being put on a pedestal is almost ruining our relationship because I don't feel like I can tell him when things go wrong in my life or confide in him when I'm dealing with unfortunate things. I feel like our relationship is "superficial" or just exists on the surface because we don't really discuss deep topics or share personal information about ourselves. What can I do to strengthen our relationship? I really care about him but I'm tired of constantly being put on a pedestal. Thanks in advance for helping out :)
Most Helpful Guy
There's one thing that I found missing from the description of your relationship, and that's trust.
From what I read, you don't trust that he's telling you the truth about yourself because you can't see it. I almost got the feeling that you feel like he's lying to you and that he has some kind of ulterior motive behind his treatment of you.
If that's the case, all I can say is to be true, honest, and comfortable. If you cannot have those three things, then you will struggle in any relationship.
As for your past - that's part of who you are TODAY. You are molded by your experiences in life, which means you wouldn't be the woman he sees as perfect if you hadn't lived the life you lived years ago. For that reason, you should be very proud of how you lived, because most people go through life so afraid of stepping out of societal boundaries that they forget to just live. You have lived, learned, grown, and now you're with a man that appreciates everything you offer him and he wants to make sure that you know how much you mean to him. There's nothing wrong with that.
You don't have to come out one night and just go on and on about how 'bad' you think you were, but you should NEVER be afraid to reveal your history to someone you are in a long-term relationship with. If he changes once he realizes your past, then your answer of his sincerity will be clear to you.
Another thing worth mentioning is that we are our own worst enemy and critic. Not only are the events of our own lives fresh in our minds, but also all the thoughts that led us to making those 'bad' choices, so it seems worse than it actually is.
Think of it like this - if you recorded yourself speaking, then played it back to yourself. . . . does it sound weird? Does it strike you as odd to hear yourself from an outsider's perspective? Of course it does, because you're inside yourself and he's looking at you from the outside. So he sees something that you cannot, because you're always going to be inside yourself.
You need to forgive yourself for the things you've done in the past that you aren't proud of and you need to know that you are who you are today because of the things you've lived through in life. Be proud of who you are, trust that he will still know you're that perfect woman for him, and stop punishing yourself. Let the past go and start to build that future in whatever way you see fit.4
Most Helpful Girl
How does he treat you? Does he call you perfect, yet talk to other girls, or basically, badly? Because that's the only way that I would see him as possibly "using you."
But if he he treats you well, ignore that using comment. But I felt like I should make a point about being used, because it happened to me. You see, guys can pick up on your insecurities and some guys will take that to their advantage.
I think that your biggest solution here is to open up to him, and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe this will help.
Him: You are perfect?
You: Why am I perfect?
Him: Because you just are, but why do you ask?
You: When you say that I am perfect, I feel sad because I don't agree. I have done some things that I am not proud of in the past.
This will open up dialogue and most likely lead to him reassuring you that you are perfect to him.
Also, if you want a deep discussion, just ask about something deep.
Now, you also have to work on your regrets. Remember that these things made you who you were. They made you a stronger person. And remember that nobody is perfect.0
What Experts Said
You certainly don't want him taking you off the pedestal and becoming your dad because of you colorful past either. So I say it's two separate conversations. Start with the pedestal thing.. because that can lead to one needy and insecure man. Then go with the past. Lay it out.1