Why do you think its so hard to find someone who wants a relationship and not just a hook up?

For someone my age; It's very very hard to find someone who actually wants a relationship. I've been through so many guys and childish immature men who want nothing more than sex. Recently I have been the "side chick" in some guys relationship, found out after hanging out with him! Or I am just a number to somebody's list of chicks they can "call upon". Why are guys like this? Do they think its okay to see multiple women and when they get sick and tired of one they pursue another and then when they get bored pursue another? It's just frustrating and just feel like giving up on men in general! I don't have extremely high standards but I don't go low enough to be a number or a side chick.

Not sure if its the same across all genders and ages but is it hard to find a relationship at your age or is it just me? Your thoughts?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I think society has degraded to some degree in that the behavior you noted has become not only acceptable but is being propagated. Players have training camps where they train guys to behave like this... take girls and discard them. They make videos of it to show others how to do it and write books.

    In effect, they are building skills... which is good... but some are lying to the women... which is bad. Some women as well are playing the other side. Some people are honest about their intentions, and I respect their right to live as they wish (caveat below). But people who lie about it are wrong.

    It is harder because where in our society are people being taught and trained to treat each other with respect, to work towards marriage, that is valuable and good?

    The solution is to not give yourself away until you are married. If that is too much of a rule, then back off of that until you are engaged, or until you really know the guy well. You my dear... are part of your own problem...

    That said... the more girls that fool around like that, the harder it is to find a male that will commit... why... because guys want sex and if they can get it without commitment... they often prefer that vs suffering in a relationship. Guys will take what they can get... abundance helps their self esteem.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Dont give up.
    I understand completely what you are talking about but consider them lessons not blessings
    i admire how you said i dont go low enough to be a number or a side chick.
    it is the same across all genders.
    In my opinion i think with the ease of access to the internet and the spoiled for choice custom order of a partner on online dating ( of which i have experience) is partly to blame.

    people have pre conceived idea of what they are looking for... Hollywood doesn't help either.
    I was dating a few guys and i was like... yeah its the one... and i was completely wrong
    the way i look at it and it has dawned on me that they actually are lessons. you have learned what kind of man you want. you have learned you want a committed relationship and you are a committed person. your not a booty call. your not out for a fling. you believe time and effort is what builds something... all lessons brought to you buy guys you have described...

    it will be frustrating but ya have to get back on the horse and try again. and again and again. depends on what you are looking for and how much you can be honest with yourself.
    go with your gut.
    You sound like a woman who knows what she wants so why settle for anything less than you know yourself you deserve?

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What Guys Said 20

  • Pretty much everyone wants sex or someone to be with when they get lonely but more and more people don't want the work of a relationship. It's rare that people just connect automatically/naturally and don't have to work at it and people are just tired of it I think and can't be bothered. I've been single for a long time and that's partly why. Also not finding anyone I liked that was/is single. Also, and I think a lot of guys might agree, I don't like dating and getting to know someone knew. It's supposed to be enjoyable and fun and I think for women it is, but it sure isn't for guys. Nothing but stressful. That's the other reason for me.

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    • This resonates with me

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    • Agreed. But you said times had changed, nope, not really lol

    • Let me rephrase that "times WILL be changing" but not as fast as you'd want it to be :P

  • it's not gender or age related, it's different with each person. If you really want a steady relationship, at your age, you should stay away from parties and clubs, people there tend to be more outgoing than others and are usually in the 'enjoy life, drink, party, have random hookups' phase of their life. Try getting set up by friends or family, or a serious, and by serious i mean paying membership, dating site.

    some guys/girls wanna party till 30, others want kids by the time they are 22.
    22 year olds with kids just aren't gonna roam nightclubs. so find them where they are.

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    • Yeah I never go to parties or clubs for a relationship, your just looking for trouble there lol. I stay well away from tinder as that's a hook up site so I talk to random people over facebook since the site isn't considered a hook-up site. Online dating has never sit right with me; you get some strange people lurking on there and considering I'm 19; definitely get some creepers!

  • There's not many worthy women at this age, so instead of just sticking with a crazy one, play the field until you get older and the girls become more mature.
    That's what many guys do.

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    • I've always figured that girls 20+ would be some what out of their immature stage, or at least be more mature than most girls and guys

    • 25+ yeah, but until then, while they're still are in the ages of party and being hot, there's not many who are worthy of dating.

  • I think people your age realize that starting a relationship is difficult because you don't entirely know whether you will be around that person all the time. Things like school, careers, life, tend to pull you in all sorts of directions until you are about 24-26. Once you are more or less settled, then you can enter into a relationship that might last longer than a couple of years.

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    • Yeah true. That was one of the main reasons why I didn't want a relationship in high school because one person will be going one way with life and the other person another way. Plus I was super focused on my studies and getting into uni. Just hard to find someone who has the same values as me :/

    • It is a sucky time of life, a lot of guys and girls might actually be interested in having a relationship, but they don't want to enter into anything for fear of having to dump the person because of other life demanding events.

      It is hard to find someone that would realize that it may not last forever, that would still be faithful, simply enjoy having time together, and it not be about the wham bam thank you mam.

  • "I don't have extremely high standards". There's your problem.

    You're 19 years old. Look at the pool of guys you are interested in and seriously ask yourself if any of them are marriage material. Do they have a good paying job that could support me, himself, and any children we might have. Not every pregnancy is planned! Does the guy have the work ethic and character to support a family? Very few men these days do, and even fewer men under the age of about 25 do.

    High standards don't guarantee perfection, but long term relationships are very difficult at times and you don't want to be stuck with a low class douchebag that won't be a man and take care of his family.

    Even a planned pregnancy can ruin your life if it's with the wrong person. As the woman in a long term relationship, you absolutely should have high standards. You are the one who can get pregnant, you are statistically most likely to be the one to raise a child by yourself if things don't work out. You are statistically most likely as that single mother to live in poverty and watch your child suffer. You are more likely to suffer depression. How long shall I make this list?

    This is an unpopular message in today's culture, but women are vulnerable in ways that men are not. My wife and I had every intention of having children, so it didn't end up being a bad thing; but she got pregnant the very first time we had sex. Fortunately for her and our son, I was committed to a lifelong relationship with her and stuck around and have worked hard and made big changes and sacrifices to support our family.

    When evaluating a guy, put yourself in that position. Ask yourself honestly, if you had an unexpected pregnancy, how well would this guy care for you and the child? Can the guy support 3 people? Not every mother wants to or can work and raise a child. If you had to stop working to raise the child, would he be willing and able to support you and the child?

    This kind of stuff happens and is very real. Most guys that are dating a 19 year old have no real concept or plan for what a long term relationship requires. They are just looking for easily accessible sex.

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    • Honestly; I don't expect a lot of people my age or older to even consider a serious relationship. I personally believe a serious relationship starts with the idea of being in a relationship. If the two can handle their differences and issues in a relationship then it progresses to a more serious relationship. If I had high standards for guys I would only have a hand full out of a bar of people. I lower my standards so I'm not picky with them; it relieves the stress on some guys and how they have to meet certain "standards" or "expectations" and as I've just found out stresses some guys out. Can't afford to get pregnant since I'm studying in university and working towards a career. Finding guys with the same morals and values as me at my age is hard since most don't even know what they want out of life yet.

  • Do guys think it's okay to do this? Yes, in the same way that girls think it's okay to dump a guy with nary an explanation.

    I am thinking of the "Complains all guys are the same/Only dates the same kind of guys" thing here.

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  • Oh, we're out there. But we tend to be ignored because we lack first look sex appeal that most players have. Women like what other women want. So girls tend to ignore the guys who are ready for a relationship, in favor of fulfilling her fantasy of capturing a player. She wants to be the one girl who changed him. That whole fantasy.

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    • Great response! Never thought of it that way. Suppose once you've had fun with a player you want to find more of them, but the end result is getting let down. Most guys who "lack sex appeal" don't put themselves out there enough out of the fear of rejection hence why we can never find you guys!! Majority of guys never approach a girl out of their own insecurities, but truth be told; Any girl would LOVE a guy to approach them any day! Doesn't matter what they look like

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    • And there is nothing much we can do about it :/

    • Sure we can.

  • I am speaking for myself so tuck off if someone else blah blah blah.
    I am not ready for one, i don't deal with other's shit. I just don't see myself that young lover who bores to death (i have seen alot). I can talk about deep things with people i trust. Should be friends before i even consider putting on pressure on me.
    If you need to talk about things talk here, talk to me and ask yourself you really wanna relationship?

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  • I would like a relationship but with a girl who hasn't slept around.

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  • It sounds to me that you might be fishing in the wrong pond.
    As one who was once a young man, I can tell you that there plenty of young men who want very much that one special girl to love.
    Some conceal this, because they learn the hard way that any sign of serious interest on the part of the male will cause most females of your age to run for the door.

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    • Really? I never knew that guys would actually conceal the fact they want a serious relationship. I mean guys and girls might just be fishing in the wrong pond in general. Been to many ponds all have found nothing but a dried up wasteland :( Most guys I meet have big egos or have family problems (to the state that they are homeless) ... just in that range lol

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    • @tyber1 lol not even going to argue with you. You need to walk a few miles in my shoes before you run your mouth again

    • So, what, all the guys who live near you are degenerates? I have a hard time believing that.

  • In most cases, (not all... but the majority) an older person is going to be more receptive to the idea of a relationship. Once again, not speaking of all.. but a lot of the younger population would rather focus on physical stimulation rather than putting forth the effort involved in a relationship.

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  • I know a billion cases literally, where a guy entered a serious relationship and in the end the girl cheated on him and fucked him over. And men love more honestly than women. Nobody, including me, wants to suffer. Thats why.

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    • Suppose its just trial and error. In order to get to the one person who would want you back you have to go through a lot of crazy, strange, narcissistic people. I full respect your response and I definitely understand why its hard for guys to get back into a relationship, but they can't play these games with girls until their 50 years old. It's just not fair on the girls who want to date them and on themselves for missing out on opportunities.

    • It just makes us not want to have a serious relationship. Ever. Because we see guys who just use girls for one night and they are having a blast. So why suffer when you can enjoy.

    • True; but then once your 50 you can't exactly hook up with younger girls anymore, you've lost the window of opportunity to find someone who will accept you for your personality and nobody wants to die alone.

  • I'm expired.

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  • I want a relationship. İt depends on the man.

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  • Because what is the definition of a relationship? What does it really mean?

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  • date older... 27+

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    • Holy cow, I'm 19 years old! That's a massive age gap lol

    • it's about the age guys transition and their brain is stops developing. they'll have a different perspective on most things, especially ladies and relationships.

  • Men and women want to have sex when they're young and then settle down when they're older. Men, however, generally don't want to settle down with an older woman, so they keep trying with younger ones - but they don't want to settle yet. It's the cycle of life :)

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  • I think this is a problem experienced by many people, especially young men and women. I'm very monogamous, I have no problem with people who have multiple partners, or like to have random hook-ups, but it really isn't for me. I'd really just like to meet a nice girl, date her and get into a good, strong relationship. But the problem is, at least for men in the 21st century, in Western Europe / North America, is that most people expect long-term relationships to form as an extension of a casual encounter. If you want a long term relationship, you're basically expected to go to a bar or disco, talk to as many women as possible until one of them agrees to come home with you, have a very detached and unemotional sexual experience, and then basically guilt-trip her into staying with you again in the future. To me, this is anathema. I tend to fall in love with female friends after a while, with girls whose personalities I love (because I have had time to get to know them). Looks are important too, but I can never find a girl attractive unless I know she has a beautiful personality, even if she has gorgeous looks. I have this problem with my crush at the moment. We've known each other for about 5 months, but I only started to feel really attracted to her these past 6 weeks since we have been hanging out more with other friends. But apparently this is "weird" in the 21st century, and instead of trying to love my friend, I should be trying to get with girls I don't really find attractive. The world's a messed up place...

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  • It's not the same across all ages and genders, although it might apply more with younger males if anything. That doesn't mean you can find someone who wants what you want. Don't settle, go for what you want... If you want that is..

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What Girls Said 8

  • Im in my 30s and it has gotten no better. I dont know if technology is to blame with all these dating apps around making it so easy to access women but I find that the majority of men... just want a hookup. I was just talking to what seemed like a great guy until he told me he just wants a fuck budy... like dude really your 36... settle your hot pants down. It just seems like its a rarity to find a guy who actually thinka about having a girl for his own.

    Dont give up. I've been told those guys are out there we just have to break out our magnify glass.

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    • Yep.. they are definitely out there! The problem is that just as many women are the same way these days. I've been out with several ladies (at least I thought they were ladies) only to find out that all they were interested in was a free dinner and drinks... and then a quick piece of ass. In this day and age... finding a good man... or woman is a big chore! When and if you find one... hang onto them!

    • @Tony74u I'm sorry to hear that. Can't believe women actually use men for a free drink and meal. That's just rubbish; not wonder why men are hesitating to pay for dinner lol. Probably better to go out for coffee or somewhere not too expensive before dinner and drinks?

    • @mizz_shhh I'm just adding my 2 cents here. I'm 33 and only look for hook ups, friends with benefits and those that are open to open relationships. Doesn't make me a bad guy. You say hang up your "hot pants". But some of us were not touched while growing up by women. In terms of love I'm still a baby. I'm not hanging up, I'm only getting started. Women especially tell nice guys to wait for "that girl" to notice them when they older without realising that what you really saying is that when that man finally gets a chance with women (late 20's, early 30's) he has to settle? Lol fuck that. You women have your fun in your early years, it's only fair that men also have a chance when their prime years finally make them worthy of a females sexual attraction. I advocate all those nice guys that were overlooked by women, fuck as much as possible when they have that power and only settle at 40 or so.

  • I think because most either have never been in one and no desire to, (a relationship) or got out of a serious one not too long ago. It's not easy to see if someones being honest, however I think there are those men who do want a relationship but its just about seeing if you connect. Now a days sex seems important to some, it isn't all that, I think in the end being in a relationship is much easier, avoids all awkward questions, jealous, envy etc. I do find some men my age aren't in a relationship and don't want to be, however I've only dated older so maybe thats why I've been in long term relationships.

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    • Yeah that's the part I don't get: Why can't men/females just be in a relationship for both sex and having someone who likes/loves you. Avoids a lot of drama and hassle when you just have one person :/

  • You should not be dating anyone (and I mean literally anyone) around your age then but older, yep. I am exactly the same way and about to be twenty, I find myself lately only being attracted to older men as I feel like at least most of them are done with their childish ways and looking for something more serious. Plus, they have more experience in life and relationships which is very useful ;) if you don't want to get upset it's either that or staying single for a couple of years as this is OUR reality, lol. Good luck girl.

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  • Same and it's sad.

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  • It is tough these days. Even in your 40s unfortunately.

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  • People who have options exercise them and like personal freedom too much to ever shelf it.

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  • Look harder, they exist.

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  • Relationships are a lot of work. Nothing is wrong with seeing multiple people if you're honest about it.

    If guys don't want what you want, don't spend time with them. It's fine to call out liars and cheaters - but not cool to shame guys for wanting to play the field honestly. It's your choice to stay or leave. That's how dating works.

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