Your SO Isn't Ready For Sex. How Long Would You Wait For Them?

And I do mean SO, like girl/boyfriend or fiancé. You aren't married yet, but your partner whom you've just gotten to know and became official with, isn't ready for sex. Maybe it's for religious reasons or they only want to have sex with someone they're in love with or what have you, but not because they want to torture you or be controlling. How long would you wait for them to be ready? And yes, they are willing to do sexual acts, but not intercourse (anal, oral, vaginal, etc.) This is assuming you have true feelings for this person, potential long term/marriage material, and aren't just dating to be dating. And this is also assuming you have NEVER slept with this person before.

  • Less Than A Month. I Have Needs.
    5% (4)20% (65)17% (69)Vote
  • A few months or I'm Moving On
    16% (14)23% (74)22% (88)Vote
  • 6 Months, Then Get With The Program
    7% (6)9% (30)9% (36)Vote
  • I'll Go Up To A Year, But That's It
    13% (11)6% (18)7% (29)Vote
  • I Can Go Until Marriage If I Really Like Them
    47% (40)30% (95)33% (135)Vote
  • Other
    12% (10)12% (40)12% (50)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you truly love them and respect them as a person, you would wait for them till they are ready.

    And the chances are by the time it gets down to actually doing it, it would be more frequent than usual and your question would be "Is it normal to be doing this often?" :P

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I waited 6 months but I'm just too sexual to wait more than that.

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    • Sounds good. I couldn't wait that long

    • @Hammer_of_Thor he was my first serious boyfriend and one night we had a serious conversation about this and he said he wanted to wait at least a year but ideally 4 or 5 years. I basically said hell no boy, I'm out lol

    • Lol sounds like you know what you want

What Guys Said 57

  • All I can say is that I hope whoever this person is... they are not going to make a decision based off a GAG poll. To each their own.

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  • For me I generally can't fall in love with a girl until I have sex with her. I'm the type that had sex with my wife on the first date. We were just frisky and had this intense physical and mental connection (the mental connection is the key part).

    I tend to put sex at the top of the list of a romantic relationship, not because sex is so important to me but because it's one of the ultimate tests of love and intimate acts through which I fall in love.

    The sparks either ignite in the bedroom and we have that kind of chemistry or we don't and just enjoy physical pleasure, but nothing more.

    To wait a very long time on having sex to me is like gambling that those sparks may or may or not ignite. If they don't ignite and we don't have this kind of spiritual connection in the bedroom, we might have a wonderful time having sex, but the love is not there for me. Then I just waited a long time to have meaningless sex.

    I've not found, in my case, that dating a girl for a long time and liking her character a lot and finding her attractive naturally extends to that kind of chemistry in the bedroom which ignites that kind of spark of love for me. In fact, the two women I fell in love with in my life were ones who didn't seem that great to me originally until we turned up the heat and I found we had this kind of soulmate connection in the bedroom.

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    • As a result I could never wait years let alone months to have sex with a girl since I could never feel that strongly about a girl with whom I never had sex with in order to wait to find out what I truly feel about her. The only exception was for my first girlfriend whom I thought I loved until I later compared her to the other women I dated, and found something significantly lacking there when I first fell in love that I didn't have with any other women.

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    • @SovereignessofVamps I think so. I've had great sex with women without that kind of attachment, but in that case it was hot and sexy and physically pleasurable, yet the intimacy was lacking.

      With the two women I fell for, sex felt unbelievably intimate, like we were not just exposing our bodies but our "souls" to each other. I find soon after that that incredible intimacy we had carried outside the bedroom, to wanting to hold hands all the time, cuddle, kiss, share our innermost thoughts and feelings. But what revealed that level of incredible compatibility to me was often first the bedroom.

    • What do you think triggered the intimacy with some women and not others?

  • I wouldn't wait for them. I have already reached that age, that I need to know for sure if she wants me sexually, and if she is a woman who will expect regular sexual needs for both of us. It would make sense if the both of us were teens to wait till we are older, it makes sense if both of you are wanting to wait till marriage then its kewl. but if i am expecting a relationship to always have it, and be able to know that we will move from dating, to marriage someday, and have kids. Then she would have to have the same goals as me. I am already at that age where I can not wait, and im ready to settle down. If she wants to wait till marriage, she needs to find someone else, and i will look for someone who is also looking to settle finally. You will understand once you reach our age (30s to 40s) that you can't wait very much more to having kids. So you need a definate YES or NO, so you can keep looking.

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  • It is ironic that this question appears in my in-box.

    The correct answer is that the correct answer is different for every person or couple.

    People are supposed to help one another sort out their problems, not sit around asking rhetorical questions all the time.

    Personally, I have suffered enough indignity and inhumanity in my life. I don't want asexualism.

    This is fun:

    www.facebook.com/.../

    This heals more than words can say:

    www.facebook.com/.../

    She was right, both times.

    But I need words anyway.

    It takes work to fix damage done over a very long time, but hopefully not too long.

    Why does this matter? More to the OP's point.

    There was a man on a forum once a long time ago who came asking for help. He'd been engaged for 4 years or so, and screwed up and slept with his fiancee's friend, and they had both been virgins. "What do I do? What do I tell her?"

    Everybody gave some different wrong answer, but I took at as an opportunity to point out that they'd been following a false belief in the first place that they were supposed to be waiting forever to get married.

    Problem, I know how that problem works. That was 9 years ago, I think, and I have a bigger problem than them, even though I know how it works.

    The medicine?

    A Woman who actually acts like a Woman, and has fun doing it.

    She tried to tell me two years ago:

    In my own words:

    "you can't covet if it's given freely."

    I am not a hypocrite, I'm just a hurt person being healed by all the "wrong" people, who were actually right all along.

    Life is supposed to be fun, and she is a lot more fun than anyone I've ever met in real life.

    She is trying ot help both men and women who got hurt by idiots, the way I did.

    Her page is not overflowing with visits, because married women don't understand what she's doing , and she's actually trying to help married people too, not just single.

    "Liberty".

    No more religion.

    No more religions calling themselves "relationships" with a false prophet.

    Liberty.

    There had to be something a lot better than Jesus, and they are called "Woman".

    God Help, my life has been vain.
    Not all is lost.

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    • The other thing I should point out, is the fell for some other lies too, but I know some people won't want it and some will, and I've been on the wrong side of the argument before.

      1) They fell for the lie I was taught: that perpetual virginity before marriage makes you a better spouse.

      No liberty there. It is death.

      2) They fell for the lie that they were necessarily supposed to be married in the first place.

      No liberty there (necessarily).

      3) True love doesn't wait. It acts.

      If you want a relationship, define boundaries and live a little.

      And stay away from Bibles and Churches, they'll mess you up really, really bad.

      Sad thing is, knowing this doesn't solve the problem, and it doesn't stop you from screwing up again later. What the religion does is violate the conscience.

      The OP is asking people what amounts to a "religious" question, expecting people to throw out some number of time.

      "Thou shalt not Covet" is a lie, it's like a swear word.

      "Fuck" actually is "Holy".

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    • They cannot beat me, but that doesn't make me right either.

    • Men hurt men.
      Men hurt women.
      Women hurt men.
      Women hurt women.

      And the ones doing the wrong, aren't always the ones you might think.

  • Words like "love", "relationship" and "marriage" have a lot of blends of meaning for different people. The question, then, of "not ready" for sex also has various dividing lines which may be moral/religious, social or personal. Unwilling to "have sex" that has specific dividing lines, as in this case between sexal touching, even to the point of orgasm, apparently, versus various versions of "intercourse" (vaginal, anal, oral) does feel like a psychological "power-play". By whose definition (s) for which acts are or are not allowed, sounds very much like (pardon the poor analogy) driving with on e foot on your own accelerator pedal and the other foot firmly planted on the other person's brake pedal.
    Such a dynamic may not be a cruel or conscious power play, but it is, at minimum a sign that the person is holding heir options open for a future exit point. It could also mean that there really is an intentional (or unconscious) power play to test who is really in control, the purpose of which could even be to see how many hearts the reluctant one can break along the way (a classic Freudian reaction to early childhoood drama /trauma). Be careful. It is quite probable that you will only discover where you stand after your emotional committments make any change very painful.
    Sincerely,
    Stafford "Doc" Williamson

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  • i normally don't go for sex in beginnings anyway. but if in part of those beginnings, im fed the bs line of "not ready"... she gets just about enough time as it takes for me to know if the relationship is going anywhere or not.
    if she's still "not ready" after that.. i bring up her options and she picks.
    ain't got time for that nonsense of "not ready", I've never seen a woman let a guy get away with that shit before and i don't intend on letting a woman get away with it either.

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    • You sound hella bitter hahaha

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    • well you sound dear... so... :)
      Yes in this case, i am generalizing. I believe i can generalize when something is "inbuilt from the manufacturer". How they act may be different, doesn't mean the capability isn't there.

    • Dear and darling are not synonymous. Also, sounding like something doesn't make you something but I you want to go the ignorant route, then this conversation is over.

  • I picked E because it is nearest my point of view - I would wait however long she wants - If I loved her it would not be an issue, I answered a similar question yesterday and said my only issue would be if she turned around to say she never wanted to have sex.

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  • Are you saying handjobs (and other non blowjob type jobs) are in, but no blowjobs/vagina/anal sex?

    What about them? Am I getting them off in any way?

    Are we matched in terms of frequency of desire etc?

    Do they expect that in the future (marriage or earlier) they will be open to everything, or will some things always be off the table?

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    • 1. Handjobs are in, but no blow jobs or anal sex or vaginal sex

      2. Yes, you are, if you can get off on a hand job.

      3. Yes, you're completely matched.

      4. They want to get married, but are not ready for sex in the moment. Take it however you want. They don't know when they'll be ready.

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    • I'd agree. It wasn't obvious to me initially if I was fingering her too, I don't -just- want her to get me off but not want me to stimulate her. But in your comments you said yes on fingering.

      So at least D.

      I guess the 'will she do everything later' is the difference between D and E. It's not the wait, it's that I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't want to do -everything-. So I might date someone for more than a year who just wants handjobs and fingering and be okay with it, but i'm not going to commit to lifetime monogamy with someone who isn't up to doing everything at least occasionally. That's sort of a separate question though.

    • All valid questions !!!

      :-)

  • This isn't really a valid poll for someone like me. The reason is
    1) deliberately withholding sex after the age of 21 is absurd.
    2) I would never marry a woman I've never made love to. That is a risky investment. We marry, then we finally go to have sex and *price is right fail horn*
    Very stupid way to roll.
    3) I'd view anyone who is that narrow minded as NOT girlfriend material.
    4) For me, sex is an ingredient in love.

    Really stop and use logic. Why wait X time? I mean really if you are going to back up your morals with "I am waiting" then NEVER EVER have sex.

    It reminds me of the police. They make tint illegal and their REASON is "we can't see, that poses a danger" but when I've been stopped for speeding, they will mention it sometimes get the meter out and sometimes fine me...

    but BACK UP YOUR SHIT. If you're going to lie with the lame excuse that the law is about safety, then why am I not pulled over at GUN POINT EVERY TIME I AM STOPPED WITH ILLEGAL TINT? I mean, if you fear for your life, isn't that the time you draw a weapon? Standard SAFETY protocol for police should be "if stopping a vehicle with illegal tint, use extreme caution and approach with weapons drawn." Because after all, you can't see me loading my grenade launcher..

    So the same illogic goes here. The excuse to withold sex and there are only two reasons
    1) I am not yet ready to be intimate with you (legitimate but if after 6mos you can't be ready? You're just the wrong person for each other. You should be GLUED together after 3-6 mos of getting to know one another and going steady... if not, it is just an un-natural attraction

    2) I am waiting until I am married. A sweet sentiment but not legitimate and actually the leading cause of HS sweetheart waiting til I marry divorces. You damn well better know your sexual chemistry before you go down the isle with that person. Only one way to determine it.

    So I'd never be in this situation b/c I would never be SO to a person who wants to wait. Not because I MUST have sex or I have some kind of a clock running on how long you have before I bail... but because I would just be a friend or dating you but not exclusively. Once we start to grow closer and we get to a point where you'd be ready, then I'd be willing to be a boyfriend, tell everyone else I am unavailable. This could easily happen before we have sex but not much before.

    if I were REALLY into her and she was into me but just wasn't ready from a romantic perspective, not religious, I'd wait to a pt

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  • Picked A. I won't pressure a girl for sex but if she doesn't willingky want it within a month, then we're probably not compatible

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  • I'd be willing to wait till marriage if I loved her and if for whatever reason this was her choice, as I've never really been a fling kind of guy. Of course we'd have our needs, but like you said we could do other things. This is actually how my previous relationship was, it was long term and we were engaged. (This wasn't the reason things fell apart if anyone's wondering).

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  • Oh man that woukd be hard. I've always said I'd wait till she would be ready and if we have what your saying like a full out could see her as my wife then I'd guess I'd wait till a year at least. It would be one long mother fucking year tho lol. And if we really like each other that would only make things worse lol

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  • For this particular situation, sounds like not enough conversation was made during the dating phase before making it an official relationship.

    One of the most anticipated parts of the dating trial phase is approaching the sex conversation. This is when you get a good idea of where you're headed or if you're sexually compatible.

    If you're values differ substantially you might want to revaluate the situation. Lying to yourself about your ability to wait it out is just going to cause trouble in the long run.

    From a guys perspective, never lie to yourself about waiting until marriage or a long period of time if you don't have that desire. As time progresses and you get tired of "dry humping and hand jobs" the relationship will no longer be enjoyable.

    In the end you will either call it a quits which means you both wasted a lot of time.

    Or you will end up cheating which means you wasted a lot of time and hurt someone in the process.

    And lastly. .

    Primarily to the guys, don't be stupid enough to make an extreme compromise because a girl is so "hot" "fine" or whatever.

    I have changed environment many times and there is always one girl that seems to make me fall head over hills and forget about the last one I fell for.

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  • Depends on what type of girl I think she is. If I believe she is the type who has had sex on the first date with other guys then I wouldn't wait more than 2 weeks.

    If she's a virgin I would wait up to 6 months or longer if there is oral.

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  • well, since I've never had sex i'd have to say i could go on for a year maybe more, but really that depends on how serious the relationship is too, i'm not going to cling onto this girl forever in the hope of sex, but i'm not going to rush her either, i'd respect her choices and when she's ready, then i would.

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  • I am waiting till marriage, so its her who will have to wIt for me, lol

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  • Never, i never want to have sex. I will only ever rub the outside with my tool but never stick it in. I won't tell her anything just make her want me more and more each day until she explodes *human experiment*

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  • Like some have already said, if it's longer than a month or two, I have to assume you're just not interested - or not ready - to be in a romantic relationship. I have to move on.

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  • Ideally I wanna get it started within the first couple of months.
    If she needs longer... no problem. I'm not in a rush.

    Just not a friend of waiting until marriage for religious reasons or similar stuff... but if I'm deep in love with her, who knows... might accept that too.

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  • The decision is based on the reasons and the relationship fullstop. There is no general rule

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  • Putting a timeline on this is childish.

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  • It depends on :

    - how much am I willing to wait for Them as a person
    - whether there are better options available if I feel like it is going nowhere

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  • If the relationship is solid I would wait until marriage, if it turns out to be confusing I would talk about my concern with her, and if that doesn't work I'll sadly have to break up. Sex is important for me, from what I know I've not take an eternal vow of celibacy.

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  • The physical part of any relationship is way over-rated! Sure... sex is great, but anyone can get sex anytime. When it comes to a real relationship, a connection of the heart and minds should always take a front row seat if you are serious about the other person, and are in it for the long haul! The old adage that the longer you wait for something... the more precious it is when you get it rings so true when it comega to this subject! I would much rather find a woman who puts commitment and affairs of the heart before the physical activity of sexual intimacy any day! Besides... there are so many more ways to show physical affection that can be just as srimulating... if not more so than sex!!

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  • Couple months if I really cared. I got needs and I am already putting up with ur shit... let's be real here. U were give those gifts to balance ur annoying parts lol. To hold back is being greedy isn't it...

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    • Let's be real, if you're 'putting up with [someone's] shit', then you probably aren't with the right person anyway. Just FYI lol

  • I never try to harness chemistry or feelings ! I also never expect anyone to do anything their not comfortable with ! I've dated a lot of women younger than my self , and never expected them to act any way other than thier own age. When you have a relationship of this type , generally things go real smooth " 100 % each of you together is the awnser... Be excellent at forgiveness towards one another's feelings and finally... be this way together and these questions will never exist !

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  • I don't wait. If she'd not a virgin and I haven't gotten some kind of sexual activity by the third date/hang out/whatever, I'm gone. She gave it to other guys, she'll give it to me or she'll hit the bricks.

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    • Who's to say she gave it to another guy? And sexual activity is a lot of things, not just intercourse, and I said they would be doing all those things lol

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    • Who says I want anything that lasts longer than a few nights?

    • Nobody nor was it implied sweetheart.

  • I think this question is for younger guys, but if you make an agreement you should stick to it. If you agree to wait until marriage that is fine but then set a date. If you agree to a month or 6 months or whatever, do not expect them to be faithful. Sex is an important part of intimacy. Without it it is difficult to share both emotionally and physically.

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  • if its for religious reasons then we would best break up. the longest i am willing to wait is 3 to 6 months.

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  • I don't have an SO, but if I did, I wouldn't care if she doesn't have sex with me, as long as she loves me.

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  • More from Guys
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3 private opinion(s)
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What Girls Said 22

  • If a person is going to do any kind of sexual activity it is still sexual activity. It is less likely to head into marriage or a long term relationship that eventually leads to marriage. I rather wait till marriage and not get sexual in any way until then. They have to make you feel safe and secure before you just go ahead and do anything. And if your really serious about the person, as my father always say make 'POWER MOVES'. That means if you say you want to get married or anything in life, don't wait so long and procrastinate to get things done. Don't hold that other person off because your not ready for that kind of commitment. Don't play mind games, be honest. If I say that I'm ready to get married, I am not going to wait years and years and years, meanwhile the person who is willing to wait is sexually deprived and feels played and used. Not because he wants to use you for sex, but because you made a commitment, a promise and you don't keep it. It's not far to them and in the end you miss out. So unless that person is not right for you and your waiting for marriage, is it not a good idea. People are so focused on the sex instead of finding out who their really having sex with. It causes problems where there is lack of 'proper' communication, and like a time bomb waiting to explode, the relationship is over. It's not about how long your together, but what you did in that time frame. This is not game, be real honest from the get go. You should already know what the person is expecting sexually within the first few dates, less then a month. If your taking longer then a month, unless you don't see each other often or less then 7 dates the most, your play games. Your asking for a break up, or loss a dating partner. I've been observing relationships and answering dating questions on Yahoo Answers for three years to know. Hopes this helps some.

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  • Personally a few months, I think its something that I "need' in my relationship and therefor if I really liked them I would kind of feel rushed to make it more serious and possibly make the mistake of getting married without any other thoughts than love and sexual frustration.

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  • I prefer to have sex before marriage, but I would wait if they really wanted to, provided they had good reasons for wanting to wait and were willing to be open about sex and communicate about it beforehand.

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  • Honestly, I would be willing to be in a relationship with someone who was asexual, and might never be willing to have sex. It's a personal choice, and forcing my needs on them would be wrong.

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  • I can't see myself ever getting with someone who didn't want to be sexual in any way with me. It's part of who I am so I can't see me waiting around for someone. I used to say I would but now probably not.

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    • I didn't say in anyway. You can do sexual acts, but not oral sex, vaginal sex, or anal. So handjobs, fingering, things like that are all in. Just not actual sex itself.

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    • lol, it's okay, I don't think I worded it very well in the question because someone else asked the same thing

    • It was me, I reread the post and saw what I missed :P I think me and that other person need our eyes testing! haha

  • I know myself and if I'm not getting sexual satisfaction I might be tempted to cheat and that's not good for either of us. One or a few months but that's all.

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  • Since, I'm a virgin, I would probably wait until we are married.

    But even if I wasn't a virgin, I don't think that would be a big issue.

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  • I do not think of having sex immediately when I start dating someone. It generally naturally happens within a year for me. I have not been forced or did not force someone to have sex, so I'll go with up to a year option.

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  • as long as needed

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  • Wait for them to be ready, don't push them too far. My current lover almost lost me when he tried to push me to have sex, in fact he's almost lost me twice because of our different views on when to have sex. But we talk about it and make compromises. In every relationship there will be differences and disputes, you just have to talk and make compromises. But don't push your partner too far, they will either regret the sex or they will break things off before the sex

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  • i can not understand the meaning of being a couple, if we dont complete each other sexually.
    less than a month if he has no health excuse.
    if it is health related... till he needs.

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  • Waiting for marriage is totally fine, it's actually what my boyfriend and I are doing

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  • I could wait a year but it would be hard if I really like them.

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  • If i really liked him, I wouldn't care about sex. I hate saying being ready, because it's like saying I'm waiting for use to have a real relationship. If I like him then i like him.

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  • Whenever, but I wouldn't be happy about it. But well, it depends? There are several ways to get sexual release with a partner that don't involve intercourse ;)

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  • Won't wait till "marriage" that's for freakin sure lol

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  • My boyfriend and I waited 3 months

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  • Since I'm waiting till marriage I can wait to have sex with my SO if that's what he wants too.

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  • I plan to wait until marriage anyway. I was fortunate to find someone who is okay with that.

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  • I could wait but after a while i would like to have my needs met, so not too long.

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  • All my life, i can wait as much time as he want

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  • If I really liked them I could wait.

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