Is it okay to not be physically attracted to my boyfriend?

He's great, I don't care that I don't find him attractive because we have a real connection but I'm scared it will case intimacy issues because I don't want him like that


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Break it off now.

    If you're not sexually attracted to your boyfriend, and you DON'T want to have sex with your boyfriend (at least one day) or have regular physical contact with him, your relationship will crash and burn horribly. Men need physical contact; they need sex and physically intimacy. If we don't get regular sex in a relationship, the relationship fails, and IT WILL break off or he'll get his needs serviced elsewhere.

    So, you've either got become sexually attracted to him, or you've got to break it off. Because, if you don't give him regular sex at least once you're married, the relationship is completely doomed, anyways.

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    • This, exactly.

      The problem, of course, is that the end of yr second paragraph isn't really true. A lot of men will just *allow* their wives to start "rationing" sex more and more, with little or no complaint -- and will eventually just put up with it, once there's no sex at all.
      Sometimes it's for the sake of children -- but sometimes, paradoxically enough, there aren't even children.

      There are a handful of masochistic guys who are actually *into* this kind of denial, but I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the ones who are actually unhappy but won't fucking assert themselves, and will just die, slowly, a little bit at a time... for YEARS. Sometimes for decades. Sometimes they don't let shit fall apart until they're 63 years old.

      I don't get it.

      Don't. Don't get it.

      If yr life is fucked up, the day to fix yr life is TODAY.

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    • @redeyemindtricks Yeah no kidding. I regret not having made more of an effort to get sexually active sooner, not because those couple years of sex would have mattered so much, but because if i'd had better sexual experiences early, I would have been more primed to behave rationally.

      Unfortunately, like so many 'nice' guys, i'd been raised my whole life being told over and over and over that you don't push girls for sex, you happily wait indefinitely, if you love her you are happy regardless, etc. Nobody explained what was supposed to happen after marriage if nothing magically changed.

      In retrospect, if I were young again, i'd accept that i'd need to dump 3/4 of girls i'd date over their sex drives, and just expect that.

    • @0112358 I'm with you until that last paragraph.

      Like it or not, most women are distinctly followers -- not only in action, but also in emotion. Next time you go out to a social venue, observe large groups carefully -- you'll notice that women, MUCH more so than men, tend to take "vibe cues" from other people who are dominating the conversation/interaction.

      You see where I am going with this, right?

      The magnitude of MOST women's sex drives isn't entirely -- or even mostly -- an inherent quality or set-point. Rather, it's a function of their partner's (or whoever else's that might turn them on or off) influence.

      Sooo... In that sense, if a woman has a low sex drive, it's partly -- or even MOSTLY -- her partner's fault.

      If guys don't understand this, that's one thing. But when guys call themselves the "head" or "leader" of a relationship/household AND STILL don't realize that this power/responsibility is in their hands, that's just cringe. Bringing that shit on themselves, they are.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I was in your shoes when I was a teenager and I dated this guy because I loved his personality and I was under the stupid false impression that he would "grow on me" and that I would eventually become attracted to him. Do NOT fall into this trap. It was a very stupid mistake and I learned the hard way that you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone and that if there's something missing, you can't really do anything to fill the void. It ended up being a great lesson for me and we both ended up having completely different visions of what we wanted out of life anyway, so we split on good terms.
    I will never date someone I am not attracted to again. Call me superficial, but I think everyone has to be attracted to some degree in order to have a healthy relationship.
    Trust me, you are not doing him or yourself any favors. You'll end up miserable because there is something missing. He also deserves someone who is attracted to him and would want to someday be intimate with him. If you can't imagine yourself being intimate with him, he is not your boyfriend, but your friend, as others have said, and your relationship is destined for doom.

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What Guys Said 46

  • That's what they call "leading someone on"

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  • It's not really okay, you must have SOME attraction surely?

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  • You don't want him like what? Physically? That's not good. You have to find someone physically attractive in order to maintain romantic interest in them.

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  • There will be intimacy issues, this relationship is doomed

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  • No just leave him.. doing a disservice to him because you will be mistreating him. Will kill his confidence. He deserves to be with someone who is attracted to him. Just find a dude you can't keep your hands off of and it should be much better for you

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  • So he is your FRIEND. Not boyfriend.

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  • So what you're saying is you're friends.

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  • I don't think that's fair to him, he deserves someone who finds him attractive.

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    • I love him and I tell him that all the time

    • Doesn't change the fact that you don't find him attractive. It means your physical connection will never be as strong as it would be with people who are mutually attracted to each other. I would never want to stay with someone who didn't find me attractive.

    • @asker - What do you tell him? That you are not attracted?

  • He deserves better. If you are together, he WILL want intimacy and if you can't deal with that, best you move on.

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  • Damn, if my girlfriend was like that... I'd be out. That's evil OP

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  • i think thats a major problem.

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  • The natural object of dating is a sexual relationship. If you aren't interested in him sexually he deserves to know that.

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  • If he is wanting a physical intimate relationship and you don't want the same then it's a problem.
    If you both don't have physical attraction to each other then it's ok and you have a possible none sexual relationship.

    But when the attraction is out of balance it is (as others have said) "leading someone on" and you should walk away and be happy to admit it's simply friends

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  • Wtf? He should dump you immediately...
    Do him a favor and Dump him yourself..
    He deserves to be with someone who is sexually attracted to him...

    Why the hell are you even his gf? You are only Gonna cheat on him later and hurt him...

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    • And yes you are leading him on too... that makes you a bad person

  • Yeah, it kinda will! LOL!

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  • If you don't care it's okay. And about intimacy issues, remember that being with him was your choice and your choice only, so just let things happen.

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    • Nonsense. It is also his choice, and what if he cares. It is not ok for her not to care. What if he cares.

    • @bobbyxx Well, I don't think that a person is supposed to find its partner attractive. Of course that it not happening is not ideal, but there are more variables involved. It just can't affect the relationship. That's why I say that it's a matter of choices. If you choose to be with someone that you don't find attractive you must know what you're getting into and you can't complain later.

  • Is it fuck lol. Are you having a laugh? How would you feel if you found out he didn't like you physically but he was staying with you as a charity case? Jesus. Some folk these days. When in doubt use your brain and switch the tables its thats simple

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  • Sounds like you are actually asexual , which is fairly common in women , and / or you see him as purely a friend. Once a woman sees a man in that light , she will NEVER be sexually attracted to him , hence all these friggin' " Friend Zone " posts !! Do both of you a favour & break it off , set him free. Stay single yourself

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  • The more you come to love him the more attractive you will find him to be.

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    • I tried dating a guy who I didn't find attractive because I thought this exact same thing. He was very good to me and I really loved the way he treated me. I found out the hard way that you can't force something to be there that isn't there. There was just something missing between him and I, and there wasn't really anything that could fix that.

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    • I already did, and won't make the same mistake again. I was just sharing my experience. :)

    • Ok thanks for sharing. I actually have somewhat of the same experience only I became attracted to her. When I first met her I friendzone her hard. Two years latter and I have come to see how lovely she is. I know it even sounds weird to me. I go back and look at old pics of us together and I still dont really likeher in them. I'm not sure what changed to make me like her more but I do.

  • YEee... this I wouldn't jump into this relationship. We should love our partner not for personality alone

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  • its totally ok and normal, looks doesn't matters a lot as emotional connection and true feelings does

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  • It depends. Are you a sexual person? Most girls your age are extremely sexual. If you aren't attracted to him it's probably best to break up because you'll be looking elsewhere and you'll end up hurting him. When you get older and mature your standards will probably drop, and you'll be okay with dating a guy that's not that physical appealing, but very intellectual.

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  • You're dating a guy that you don't want to have an intimate relationship with? I would then say yes, it's a problem. why waste both your times?

    "Well I ordered the salmon but I hate salmon "... so don't order salmon.

    If he's not attractive and you have a connection go for it.

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  • No, it isn't. Go fix it.

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  • Erm, not really no. There needs to be some sexual attraction for a relationship, otherwise its just a friendship. Or at the very least heading towards a sexless relationship, and I don't think that would work.

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  • Issues galore! Women tend to date down from what they can get because they feel like no one will try to take them away but the sex department will be an issue.

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  • Uhhhhh attraction can grow. Sex may be bad tho

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    • For "attraction to grow" without great effort is rare enough... but, considering she already feels "a real connection", I'd put the probability of that at zero.

    • @redeyemindtricks thats why I said uhhhhh and can. Stranger shit has happened xD I just know some people (mostly women) who never thought of dating their current SO cuz there were not attracted at first until they started dating and doing stuff together.

    • I got you... which is why I was emphasizing how she pointed out that there's (in her words) a strong connection already.

      I agree that such scenarios can and do exist, but, I'm gna be bold enough to say that they NEVER emerge after a relationship/connection is already well established.
      Never is a strong word, and I try not to use absolutes too often, but... I feel like "never" is justified here.
      ... Unless there's a huge change in circumstances -- like, the guy has been a total pussy thus far, and suddenly isn't one anymore (for any of various reasons). I'm
      not seeing that here.

  • Ehhhh I don't think it will work out no matter how great he is..

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  • this is kinda odd. lol

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  • Good luck having sex with someone you're not at all attracted to.

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What Girls Said 45

  • First you have the wrong idea of what intimacy is. Intimacy is you spending time together, talking and connecting without being sexual. It is fine that your not attracted to him right away, but you need to figure out why are you dating him in the first place? Because if the kind of attraction your talking about is sexual and physical attraction, then he is not the problem, it is you. Because you can't look past the superficial. If you can't respect that or truly love him for him, then your in the wrong relationship, and it is not his fault. You either grow or learn to love him, or don't at all. It Love is a choice, not a feeling. Which one will you choose? And, no I am not joking about this, I am being very serious. If you can't get your act in order and find out what you really want in this relationship, your going to hurt him, and then he will eventually break up with you. Figure it out.

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  • If you Feel it is a Bad deal with 'But I'm scared it will case intimacy issues because I don't want him like that,' then you need to sit him down, @Spidersandsnakes, and Lay it on the Level Line with him, that you Care about him but you are just want to go Slow with the Flow. Continue to Nurse and Nurture Something Special here, dear, and perhaps you may change your Mind in Time.
    However, later, if you don't 'Feel' anything at all for him in going Further, it's probably Best from the Rest to Release him and Allow him to be Free to Find someone who may Want what he Wants, he may Not be your Type... Totally.
    Good luck. xx

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  • I think it's unhealthy on the long run. My best-friend broke up with her ex because of this reason, she liked him as a person but she didn't feel physically attracted to him.
    Even if he's not a 10, if you don't love him enough for him to become a 10 in your eyes, you should probably end it.

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  • I would consider that an issue.

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  • If you're not attracted to someone, the likelihood of your relationship lasting is dramatically reduced.

    Some people can look past it, others will notice that the intimacy is greatly effected. It largely depends on you, and how much the emotional connection can trump your desire for physical attraction.

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  • Initially I need to be physically attracted to a guy before I'd consider dating him. His personality determines if I continue to date him or not.

    If you are happy not being physically attracted to him then it's ok if you are fine with it. Only you can say for sure it it's ok not being attracted him.

    I'm sure he'd not be ok with that though. No one would feel comfortable knowing their SO isn't physically attracted to them. Insecurities would start to develop.

    Eventually your boyfriend will sense you aren't physically attracted to him, and he'd feel deeply hurt

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  • ask yourself why you aren't attracted to your boyfriend. here are a few things to consider:

    is it because you don't find him physically attractive? end it.

    are you asexual (not interested in sex with anyone, period), or is it because his treatment of you has changed since the start of your relationship? discuss it with him, or with a therapist.

    those are some starting points, but you'll need to do the dirty work yourself.

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  • I don't think so. I have several friends that don't find their boyfriend/fiancĂ©/husband physically attractive and they're head over heels in love. It depends on maturity level.

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  • Try to imagine yourself in his place. How would you feel about him not actually finding you physically attractive?
    I don't know I just personally wouldn't date anyone I'm not attracted to & I'd feel kinda shitty and betrayed if I found out my partner was dating me despite finding me unattractive but maybe that's just me.

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  • No that's not OK. Your partner deserves someone who is into them physically and who will be intimate with them. Let me ask you this. How will you feel if your boyfriend had no physical attraction for you and didn't want to be intimate with you?

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  • Hmmm, if you are not turned on by him (and have been turned on by others you find attractive) Yea, that's an issue... it sucks. But it's really not fair to him if you will never be enthusiastic about sex. And you probably aren't being fair to him by leading him on in thinking that everything is ok.

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  • I think that is a problem

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  • The way I see it is if you dont have any physical attraction to him and you dont want him like that, he's just a friend. I wouldn't call someone my boyfriend if I wasn't attracted to them on all levels. It just doesn't work for me, so yea, to me thats a problem. However, if it works for you, more power to you. I just hope your boyfriend understands.

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  • I take it you haven't had sex yet? I dunno... if you don't think you'll be able to have a satisfying sex life because of the lack of physical attraction that will almost certainly be a problem.

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  • Why be with him if you're not attracted to him?

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  • It's not okay.. there's no point of this relationship

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  • It all depends how you see the future. Will he be a friend or a real life companion? I asume you are not really open for sex with him?

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  • Just cover his face during sex and pretend it's Johnny Depp. Hahaha, kidding. You should let this guy off the hook so he can find someone who does find him attractive. The whole point of being in a relationship with someone is because you want to be intimate with them.

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    • And how could you be intimate with him if you don't even find him attractive? That isn't a relationship.

  • I do not think it's OK
    You should be with someone you are physically attracted too if you plan on having sex with him

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  • Before we go any further, how long have you been with him?

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  • Its weird girl, i was attracted to this guy romantically/emotionally, but not sexually. Every time we hooked up, he couldnt get wet (i couldnt get wet) but he was hard as rock from me just brushing his arm!

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  • Nope, it's not okay. There must be some attraction at least.

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  • There's got to be some things you find attractive about him or you wouldn't have a connection

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  • A boyfriends with no sexual chemistry is a BFF...

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  • He's going to break up with you for that. Don't you know that physical intimacy is ultra important to guys?

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  • I would say that that is an issue. When I am attracted to a guy I have the dirtiest thoughts. I even think about him while I masturbate. When I am around him I have butterflies and wish I could touch him. That is not how you feel at all.

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  • That can be a problem. But once you begin to love him more, you'll start to find him beautiful with his flaws.

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  • No that's not okay

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  • I don't think you can have a relationship with someone you're not the slightest attracted to. Its wrong towards him, and it will be a bit difficult for you.

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  • Personality attraction is better than physical attraction.

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