I've recently started dating a guy who broke up with his previous girlfriend about 5-6 months ago. They ended on good terms, there weren't any fights; they broke up due to external factors. Since then neither of them have reached out to the other. He says it's bc it's too awkward. He still has a high opinion of her, says she is a great person, which I'm ok with. However, the few times we've run into her (they still have a lot of mutual friends), he gets visibly flustered while she seems pretty composed. And afterwards, he's always sad/mopey for an hour or so.
The other day he said he was in a bad mood all day bc it was her bday and he realized he wished he'd reached out to her more and could still be friends. I understand it's natural to miss a good friend but the fact that she was his first serious girlfriend and that he's so emotionally affected by the thought of her/seeing her seems like a red flag. He talks about wanting to reach out but it being "too weird", which I feel like translates to him being scared that she won't be responsive to it or reciprocate, which would hurt him. One could say that he "chose" me, but it feels more like I was only chosen bc he doesn't feel like he has a good chance with her anymore.
I haven't told him these feelings. But I did say that if he plans on reaching out to her I would rather he did it sooner and I could just keep my distance until he figures it out first. He ofc insisted he had no feelings left for her, only likes me, and doesn't really "need" to reach out. But then we saw her again the other day and he got all weird and mopey again.
Is how I am feeling purely from some kind of personal insecurity? Or do I have actual reasonable and logical concerns? I do not want to hurt him by leaving him over this. He's a nice guy, but even nice guys can lead girls on, maybe without realizing it. I don't want to be an idiot and willingly be a second option/rebound. What do you guys think I should do?
Most Helpful Guy
He better let her go at some point. I hope his ex really had moved on and is with someone else by now because if they are somehow still talking and seen each other once in a while, you might get used only for a rebound relationship.
Just watch his actions and habits and see if there is anything else suspicious. I wouldn't worry as much or at all if his ex is already in a completely new relationship with someone else already since that might just remind him that his relationship with his ex was already over and not much point in trying to get her back as it would be much harder if that is the case.
If he's always down, insecure, well if you don't want to put up with him because of this, and if you rather not waste your time on him being like that you can always have a plan B and be ready to move on. No point of trying to change someone on how they feel, act, or think since that's really on them and beyond your control anyway.
All in all I'm more than certain that he is emotionally deeply attached and infatuated with his ex and had never completely let her go and he's still trying to heal. But you being around him, he's more than likely only going to take advantage of you. If unless at some point he is upbeat even after seeing his ex, then things will progress and possibly get better between you and him, otherwise, if he remains the same, then that's your exit cue.0
Most Helpful Girl
I think it's understandable you feel that way. I would suggest maybe taking a break until he figures things out because I think it's unfair on you and you say he keeps getting mopey too.
I don't think anyone should feel like they're 2nd best to their boyfriend or girlfriend, that's just not fair. Perhaps he does still like you but maybe needs more time to get over his ex.
Maybe talk to him about it and say how it's upsetting you and if this carries on you would like to take a break for a bit so that he can figure things out since it seems confusing and upsetting for the both of you.
I can sort of understand a bit of how you feel - When me and my boyfriend first started going out, though he would say he loved me, always had, always will, hated his ex and said (even when we were friends) that if she was in a burning building with a car and he could only save one, he'd save the car, but if it was me and a car, he'd save me or if it was me, her and the car? He'd pick me and drive off.
However, even though he'd say and act like he hated her, had got rid of her on social media and even untagged stuff she'd tagged him in even months before we were going out...
He'd still say random stuff about her that I didn't really want to hear, like "I went Go Kartin' with her once and she got scared cuz of my drivin' XD" Or "Oh yeah, she thought her uncle was following her once"
even though sometimes what we were talking about didn't even relate to any of that. That said, he does have ADHD though.
I'd have to say, by far the worst one was when we'd recently started going out, we're finally alone together for the first time in his room, cuddling on his bed and I was feeling pretty happy. My head was leant against his neck and I was fairly relaxed and happy, when he went
"No love bites, mind. I got in trouble last time."
"Last time?" I thought "But I've never given him a love bite! Wait! Does he mean with someone else? Like when he was with... ?"
I asked him if he meant when he was with his ex and he said yes
"I got in trouble for that - But not as much as she did! Funny thing was, her one didn't last that long but one I did lasted ages!"
Somehow I don't like the thought of my boyfriend sucking/biting another girls neck or her doing that to him so it really ruined the moment and put me of him for a bit. I can't do love bites with him now since that thought just creeps in to my head.
I spoke to him how I was feeling and he reassured me he only loved me and stopped bringing her up since.