How do nice guys compete in the dating world?

Hey Gag,

I've been reading a lot of myTakes recently talking about how out in today's dating world- nice guys are struggling. Basically I've just been hearing a lot of things that make me nervous for how I'm going to do once I'm on my own. I'm just tired of hearing guy after guy complain that the world isn't being fair to them- and I'm tired of people telling me that I'm not going to succeed.

And if I'm being honest I'm starting to believe them. I'm not a 'bad boy', I don't want girls for sex, I'm way more emotional then the average guy, At times I can be pretty feminine. I'm not super attractive- nor am I ugly. I just treat women with the respect they deserve.. But I feel that just because I don't want to force a woman into bed with me that I'm not viewed as dating material.

I just need some honest answers as to how someone like me can survive in the dating world of today. Are there women looking for guys like me? Do I need to change myself?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I am weary when ever I hear a man call himself " a good guy". Sadly from my personal experience (not implying all men are this way) many men have the expectation that if they a kind and thoughtful to a women this somehow entitles them to a chance with her at the least and often much more. Treating a human like a human ought to be treated is just being decent. The guy who is kind to everyone with no expectation of response are the true good guys ( and they are definitly out there, you could be one for all I know).

    Unfortunately these men, using the mask of a good guy, are often dangerous. They are the ones that coerece dates or sex, they don't know how to handle no, and can't see that anything but a yes is a no.
    Women do become weary, unconsciously it's easier to trust the bad boy (who you know is bad) than to be blindsided by the masked.

    It might take some time, but the truly good guys definitly don't finish last. My sister is happily married to one. Stay true to yourself and don't let society or "dating rules" change you. Figure out who you are, what drives you, what you react to, and find a girl who is walking the same path. I'm sure she is out there just as worried as you.

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    • Very interesting to hear that the 'good guy' can be a deceiving statement - It's a shame that sort of thing plagues our society. Thank you for your advice!

Most Helpful Guy

  • >> Do I need to change myself?

    Most likely, but not the way you think. You don't need to be a "bad boy".

    It's not that "nice guys finish last". It's that "guys who finish last are nice".

    Nice guys that tend to do very poorly with women cling onto their nice and caring personality like a fat girl clings to hers as a beauty trait. Like how some very undesirable fat girl might think guys only go after superficial beauty queens, these kinds of guys who finish last might think girls only go after arrogant jerks who play women. It's a bitter reject mentality and you want to really start off by avoiding this as it's not going to help your sex appeal at all.

    Women are often sexually attracted to strong qualities: confidence (this doesn't mean boldness so much as not giving a damn and not wanting girls too much), power/leadership (seeing others follow you and admire you), looks/physique (obvious), independence (having your own life instead of revolving your entire time around a girl), things of this sort.

    Pay attention to those qualities. Women might put that they want a caring, genuine man, but a man who possesses these "keeper" qualities and none of the attraction qualities I listed above is like a guy using an excellent fishing boat but using the wrong bait. You need to sexually attract women first to get your foot in the door and have your genuine qualities appreciated.

    For you, I'd suggest cultivating those qualities while simultaneously asking women out sooner. Don't fixate. Don't wait for that "special someone" (she's generally not who you think it is if you base this idea on inexperience). Open your mind, try dating girls of all sorts and see what type you fall in love with.

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    • Don't befriend a girl for two years hoping that your friendship will lead to a sexual attraction -- that's what I mean by "don't fixate and ask them out sooner". You're playing a lottery at this point and she rejects you, you'll end up being devastated over a girl you never even dated -- such a waste of time.

      Ask girls out sooner and treat them like equals. If they reject your offer, no big deal. Onto the next girl.

What Girls Said 3

  • i find it illogical that despite you being aware of the goodness in you, you feel that some prick is more successful with women simply because he happens to get laid.
    i think u need to appreciate yourself more. so many men are bitter about this, and it's annoying af. if a man so badly wants to 'compete', then be a dick and go get some if that's all u care about! if you're a man who won't be phased, and doesn't see women as a prize to compete for, then dont u dare change a thing.

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    • I feel you may have misunderstood me. I am absolutely not feeling any bit jealous of the pricks who get laid.

      What I was trying to get at is that I'm not fixated on getting a woman to have sex with me- instead I want to build up an emotional and trusting relationship, and if we get to sex eventually one day then it'll be nice since we will have unconditional love and respect for each other.

      I am just worried because I don't want to be overlooked because of it.

    • I understand. I apologise.
      Think of it this way. If a woman is so oblivious that she overlooks ur qualities, is she someone u want anyway?

      There are plenty of smart women in this world who are looking for men just like u. Don't doubt them- theyre everywhere.

  • First of all don't change yourself that's ridiculous. Second uneducated lower-class women go for the tough guy. Educated upper-class intellectual academic women with driving personality go for the nice guy. Now the question is where are you on that socioeconomic ladder? Your college graduate college you intend to go to college? Are you treating women with respect or too much respect. By that I mean you have no push to your personality, put girls on a pedestal basically show fear of them. You're in high school now and girls in high school are immature and ridiculous. They will change once I graduate.

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  • Don't change yourself, just find a nice girl who is also serious about dating. I'm not going to lie, it might be difficult or take awhile to find, but in the end it will be worth it :)

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What Guys Said 2

  • you can be a nice guy, thats ok, but that doesn't mean you can't be sexual or a little naughty sometimes.

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  • I am a nice guy. I feel we dont really make an effort to compete. We just feel hopeless to begin with or simply feel the other person is not worth us or we are not worth them. We can have a flawed understanding of things. in my opinion.

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