Is it wrong that I'm looking for a relationship?

Recently, almost every guy I went on a date with, would give me a weird look when I tell him that I don't want to fool around and that I'm looking for a real thing. They tell me I'm way too serious and then they try to convince me to "go with the flow". They chicken out and they never call me again. Why is it these days that people are just looking for hook ups and sex buddies, and if you mention being serious after the first date, they think you're weird or old school. Yesterday, my date asked me how do I know if I want a relationship if I didn't even got to know someone yet. I told him that I just know what I want and what I don't want, meaning that I'm totally fine with just getting to know each other and hooking up, but only if it has a potential to lead somewhere. I don't want to waste my time with someone who wants to fuck around. I've been there done that. Then he said that I just want an idea of a relationship, that that means that any guy would do basically, that I just want to settle. I tried my best to explain how that's not true, but it didn't matter, he didn't called me back. I also didn't want to have sex with him on a first date, so I guess he gave up? I'm confused why is this happening so often in late 20's, 30's, ffs we are not teenagers anymore...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think there is any problems with knowing what you want, I think it is great actually! I don't know how I would respond to such a forward approach though. Even if I am looking for serious dating, I like the initial steps of dating, and I think saying something like that basically says, 'lets cut the shit and get straight to the point'. It just... feels a bit unnatural and unromantic. Some of my best relationships just happened naturally.

    And even if I am head over heels after the first date, I still prefer a month or a few dates to become exclusive. I need time to really get to know someone before I make the choice.

    I think it is great that you know what you like in someone, and know what form of dating you want! I do agree with these guys though that you should dial it down a notch. It can feel like you are rushing past all the early dating goodness just to get on with a relationship instead of just letting it happen. And it relationships are intense! I am all for that too! I just don't want to be hit with it like a wall on the first date, I'd much rather naturally move in that way.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well you don't have to throw it in their face on the very first date.. it kinda ruins the moment.. just get to know the person a little bit and if you two seem to hit it off then bring this up.. otherwise just leave him and move on..

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What Guys Said 8

  • Because you're going for the guys that just want to hook up.
    It's not difficult to know if a person is someone that sleeps around, and you said yoy did that, so it's very possible that guys go for you because you have the "I want to hook up" vibe.

    There's nothing wrong wanting just sex in yourew 20's-30's.

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  • I think the reason that you're having trouble with this is because you bring up commitment too early. I usually think that after about three or four dates, that's when you want to have that conversation. If you bring it up after only the first date, it might scare the guy off.

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    • 3mo

      Yeah I think so as well. But he asked me and I didn't want to lie. Especially since I've been in a situations where that conversation never comes up and one of us eventually ends up hurt and confused. I guess I just want to clear some things from the start.

  • I think there's a difference between dating to develop a permanent relationship, and a hook up, but at the same time, in the early stages saying you're looking for a relationship is offputting. I'm struggling to find a good simile, and this is not a good simile, but its like having a healthy baby and turning to your spouse and saying, "how much should we put in the funeral fund for the baby?" The baby is certainly going to die someday, but the day of his birth is not the time to plan for it.

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  • Well for me I want to take things slow and not rush, so if I hear "serious relationship" too early I see that as we're not on the same page so that is what's not worth my time. There is a lot of freedom not being in a "serious relationship" though and I can't blame anyone for not wanting that. I'm not sure how old you are or how old your dates are but maybe looking for someone older could be a solution?

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  • I can only talk about this from my perspecitve. I'm the kind of guy that looks for relationship, I have friends with benefits for anything else.

    But, it takes me long time to love somebody and even to decide if I want relationship with that person. I like to get to know the other person before I take it to another level. And if you were asking me to be yours for the rest of your life on a first date I would say "but I dont even know you".

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  • Is it wrong that I'm looking for a relatioship? No it's not wrong but maybe u should try dating different kind of guys I guess

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  • You see The Wall ahead as you approach 30. You are desperately trying to snag a beta-wallet to wife you up before your looks are gone forever. Guys are aware of your plan. They've evaluated you and decided that your sole value is a quick pump and dump. That's what happens when you spend your best years riding the cock carousel.

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  • Sooo, you slept around before and now you want them to wait. Not surprised why they are bailing. I personally wouldn't attempt to hook up, because I'm not that kind of guy, but I wouldn't consider you for a serious relationship, either.

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    • 3mo

      You remind me of the "born again virgins."

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    • 3mo

      Like he said: the past is not just the past.
      It's part of your life, you should have thought of the consequences before doing something like that, now you gotta deal with it.
      You gotta accept that not every guy wants a girl that has fucked many guys, cause even though you think it doesn't, it does have an effect on your personality.

    • 3mo

      @AleDeEurope thank you.

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