Dating a guy I have nothing in common with. Is it doomed to fail?

Tl;dr: if two people are complete opposites, can a happy relationship still work?

I met this guy at a festival. He's cute, sweet, intelligent and we have the same type of humor, plus we study and live in the same city, but that's about it when it comes to compatibility. He's a virgin, I've had sex with 8 people in one year. We like different music, do different sports, I'm a bit 'alternative' while he's much more into 'mainstream' things. He's joining a rivalling students club of mine.
He's very silent while I like to chat a lot.

There's nothing 'wrong' with his choices or likes, but I fear we don't have much to talk about, we don't fit together. Is this a huge problem or could it still work?

And do you think he'd mind if I still sleep with fuckbuddies as long as he's not ready? I won't see him in three weeks and I rarely go without for more than 10 days. I'd be completely open about it; I don't want secrets and lies.

Updates:
3mo Update: he doesn't want to be exclusive yet, so that point is no longer a current issue.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I married someone like that but with a big caveat/twist.

    I'm like a jackass who drinks beer, loves to skateboard vert, party, electronic music, and about the only subjects I'm intelligent about are STEM-related as a result of my work.

    Meanwhile my wife is an elegant type who likes classical music, opera, and her intelligence is more focused more in areas like literature and history (she's a writer, publisher, and editor). She does love to party sometimes but not as much as me, and not as wild and crazy as me.

    So we're pretty different there. However, I prefer her over a girl I dated before with whom we had almost everything in common interest-wise.

    The difference is that we have a stronger connection in terms of how we communicate about topics than any other girl I dated. Also she has come to absorb some of my interests (music, films, etc), and I have come to absorb some of hers (never thought I'd be the type to like opera!). So we came to have so much more in common than we thought originally, and we started with a stronger kind of emotional/intimate/sexual connection than I ever had with any other girl.

    If you can find this kind of dynamic with him, it might just work.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's doomed... because common interests and sexual compatibility are very important in relationships. He probably won't want to have sex right away. He could be saving it for marriage too, ask him. He might even have different views on things than you, which comes with morals. I was in a relationship with a guy who was not compatible sex-wise, or interest wise. He was a virgin, I like BDSM sex. Lol. I'm no "bad girl" by any means, but I had 4 sex partners and he had zero. I felt like the tattooed demon vixen with him... but I felt like an angel when I was with men more experienced than me. 😈😇😮 He liked to do different things than me and we had little to talk about except TV and music!!! It was dull... and my energy level was 2x higher!

    Lol if you are asking if he would mind you fucking other guys... you probably don't feel a connection with him... I would ask 100% but he may view this as unusual!! You aren't official, so he might not care, but it shows that you are not all that interested (from an outside point of view) I used to make out with other guys when my ex and I were still in an open relationship... but I wouldn't have full blown sex with them. I felt so guilty for making out with one guy, I told my ex a few days later. He didn't care. Unfortunately, all of this kinda ruined that time I needed to create a strong connection during the "get to know him" phase.

    You need to get to know him better. I advise asking questions, showing interest, going places, finding out about his past, plans for the future, thoughts on topics you care about etc. You need chemistry and connection!! Good luck!! But, if I were you, I'd drop him like it's hot. Don't make the same 8 month long mistake I did lol!!!

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    • 3mo

      He doesn't have any reason for staying a virgin other than shyness and waiting for the right moment. We came quite close, but then I asked him "do you really want to have your first time in a tiny tent at a festival while having to be extremely quiet like this?" And he agreed that it was bad timing but he wouldn't mind doing other things.
      He's okay with not being exclusive yet, I asked him. He knows my sexual history (pretty much everything but the exact number).

      Thanks a lot for the rest of your opinion, it was quite useful.

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    • 2mo

      So, what happened?

    • 2mo

      He turned me down xD should have known

What Guys Said 10

  • In my opinion, discounting the notion you're situation might be the exception, I believe your relationship is doomed to fail. I've had experience in the past with dating and being with someone who is the polar opposite of me, and it has been my experience that when two people have little in common, it can be smooth for a while between you in the beginning and in the short term, especially if you don't see each other very often, but in the long run one or the other or both of you is going to start to get bored with the constant drama which can be created from being in a relationship with someone that holds next to nothing in common with you. You're views of life are different, your views of the world, the opinions you share about topics; things like this will begin to put a strain on your relationship and eventually it will break. And to your question, if he really is mainstream, I don't believe he's going to be okay with you still having sex with your fuckbuddies. You are carefree, in that you've slept with eight people within the span of one year. He on the other hand is more reserved, as he's still a virgin. Taking in all that you've said in your posting into consideration, it would be highly unlikely you're relationship would last very long before you both start being bored with the other because of your said differences.

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  • i think he would mind if you slept with other guys while with him... but you'd have to ask him to be sure

    i think your differences could be points of conversation. you could discuss the differences in sports you like, music you like, and other stuff... differences can break people apart or they can often times be a catalyst for growth

    but it sounds to me like you don't feel like there is enough similarity and if thats the case why fight through something you feel is an unmovable roadblock

    i think because of the differences and clearly you needing sex and him not being ready may be enough reasons this relationship may not work out

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    • 3mo

      We're not officially together yet and he said he doesn't want to be exclusive yet when I asked him, so that point is smoothed out

    • 3mo

      ahh gotcha. sorry if i didn't see that in the original post

    • 3mo

      True, he replied after I posted this question

  • No, it's not doomed to fail. You will slowly find things that do become common to both of you. It won't happen overnight, but if there is a spark of mutual attraction, then it will happen naturally.

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  • opposities create a lot of friction as the initial love chemicals and infatuation wear off. If you can have open honest discussions and accept each other as you are, it may work. My guess is it doesn't.

    yes I think he'd mind, that's gross from a virgin mindset.

    Refer this guy to one of your nice girlfriends who is more compatible in interests of life. I'm sure he'd appreciate the sex, but think you are wasting your time.

    I won't judge your lifestyle, but sounds like an addiction?

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    • 3mo

      I don't have an addictionas far as I know. Just had a lot of emotional stuff I went through and wasn't planning on finding anything serious this quickly. Im willing to give up sex for love, but only if Im sure about how seriously I feel. I've dated about 5 people this summer and am not used to any more than one or two in a year.

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    • 3mo

      oh my... its like you are living out the "The Truth" book by Neil Strauss. Are you in California by chance, sounds like that environment.
      What's going on doesn't sound good... like you dont' know yourself or what's good or boundaries... although you are figuring it out.

      I'm not judging, but have concern this is the best way to get through that cause at some point it can go really bad. have you had counseling... something may be messed up from your childhood, or possibly hurt by the boyfriend that cheated and not resolved emotionally. Me thinks there are some bigger wounds in here (imperfect love... also known as sin creates distortions in the heart/mind that need to be worked out) that need discovered and worked out so they don't control you and fuck your life up. I don't hear love coming out, I hear a person acting out and searching... not altogether abnormal, just not ideal.

      I'm not a psychologist but play the role of one:)

      This other guy is immaterial...

    • 3mo

      I got bullied and had an eating disorder from 12 to 16. I consider myself recovered and happy now. It's not as hectic as it may sound, I experienced it differently. The only hectic thing was that I didn't really know how to cope with that much attention at once, but it all played out pretty well as all the guys were already and are still my friends. Communication was and is all fine, that helps a lot.

  • Not necessarily, it really depends on how you communicate. If you have nothing in common but are at least open to others interests then it can work.

    But if you are completely different and one party is quiet all the time and doesn't do anything to further the conversation and isn't open to other interests then most likely not.

    As far as him being a virgin and you being experienced, as long as he's patient and willing to learn. In the end, number of partners does not exactly correlate with how good you are at sex. It's gonna be different for each person as each one is pleased by different things.

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  • Not necessarily. Generalyl speaking most men and women have not much alike. The key question is if you are on the same wavelength. If you are, you will be complementing each other. If not, then you are correct adn this will not work out.

    If yuo are on the same wavelength or not is something only you can answer though.

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  • deffinitily it could work. if you both keep an open mind and are able to try new things or what the other person likes once in a while, it keeps life interesting.

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  • Sure he'd mind. Cut him loose, he's the wrong guy for you.

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  • Every 10 days? That sounds like an addiction honestly. Are you telling me youve never gone a full month without sex? Somethings not right here

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    • 3mo

      I had a friends with benefits and ended that when I got a 'real' relationship, which happened to be open. I never really had a shortage of offers, so to say. Im not exceptionally pretty, but I do have a lot of male friends. As a uni student in an open minded environment, things happen.

  • 1) Having lots of different interests is fine, as long as you both -like- the other. But to have a decent relationship beyond hooking up, you'll need to find some activities you both enjoy. These might be activities neither of you currently do.

    2) I suspect fucking other guys because he's not ready would make odds of this progressing go to zero. He's a virgin, but is that because he's waiting, or because he's never had any opportunities? If he has no sexual experience, he might be more ready to jump into mutual manual/oral than intercourse. If you can't wait a couple weeks to get mutual orgasms... you have some challenges.

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    • 3mo

      He said he's a virgin because he never had any opportunities. I gave him one, but he said he'd rather do other things first. So I gave him a blowjob instead. I was the first girl he ever saw topless and we knew each other one week so I don't find it surprising he wanted to wait.

      I wasn't really looking for anything new. I had a fuckbuddy or two and was struggling with a couple who wanted me to enter their polyamourous relationship. I had strong feelings for the guy but didn't like the poly part. That's all not completely sorted out yet. Plus there are two more guys I do have stuff in common with who liked me and I was still deciding which one I wanted to get to know better. It's all terrible timing and although Im technically single, Im not sure how ready I am to go exclusive with this new guy even though he's the only one I have genuine feelings for now.

      This might make me sound like a bitch, maybe I am, but believe me, it's more complicated than I can express in 1000 characters.

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    • 3mo

      For the average guy, the standards for sex are attraction/availability. Their standards for relationships are much higher. So I don't find that odd, though some women might!

      That said, Mr. Perfect if he's incompatible or not that into you would make you unhappy. What you need is Mr Good and compatible and a great -relationship-. To some extent that's something you find out being IN it and seeing how well you adapt to each other.

    • 3mo

      Mr perfect is perfect for me. Meaning he's compatible, reliable, someone I can laugh with but who can also be serious, attractive... I've got this whole list of preferences when I think about it and I know no guy will ever have them all. But yeah I do want him to be as close to it as possible. Till then, Im making friends, dating and having fun.

What Girls Said 12

  • It can work but only in certain circumstances.
    Imagine being with someone who has the exact same interests as you. Yeah, you'd have things you could talk about but after a while you will most likely run out, and the things you were both interested in will now seem boring and dull after having talked about them 100x times (doesn't always happen, but this is my experience).
    Now what if you're with someone who you have nothing in common with? You're scared you'll have nothing to talk about when in reality you both have hobbies and passions and interests which you will both probably like to share. The thing is, this only works when the other person is genuinely interested in these things and wants to learn about them. This makes being with someone you don't have a lot in common with a lot more interesting and fun in my opinion.
    Keep in mind, I'm talking about interests. Having different interests is okay, but having different ideas about how a relationship should be, isn't. That's why it's so important to let him know that you're still having sex with other people.
    As long as you're on the same line regarding relationships, I'm sure you will fit together.

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    • 3mo

      The most important difference I noticed yet is how he barely talks. It's hard to keep up a conversation as long as it's not about anything important. Thank you for your encouragement though!

    • 3mo

      I don't know how long you both have been talking but some people take a really long time to open up to others. It took a couple of months for me to be as talkative with my ex as I was with family. You say he's 18 and a virgin so he probably doesn't have much experience with girls or having a girlfriend so maybe that's why he's a bit quiet. I don't know if you know his friends but maybe you could try and see how he acts around them to get a better idea of his personality :)

  • I don't know any guy that would take dating with you seriously if you open admit to sleeping with other people.
    You're a very fast woman.
    8 people in one year? That's almost one guy per month.
    I'm not saying you incapable of having a serious relationship, but you must understand that people will perceive you differently when you say things about yourself.
    He's a virgin and will be intimidated and most likely put off by your sexuality.
    The fact that you both view sex very differently and don't have similar hobbies or interests, makes me feel as if you both are better off being friends.
    I have a feeling this guy may be hurt.
    You need someone that has the same attitude that you have towards life in general.

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    • 3mo

      Of those 8 people, 1 was my former ltr and 2 were girls of which 1 was in a threesome. So that makes 5 new guys in a year, that's less extreme already isn't it? I also used to have an open relationship, which made it more normal to sleep with new people occasionally.

      This guy knows the most important parts of my history so that's not a problem. I still feel like we might be a bad match despite liking each other a lot :/

  • I don't think it's "doomed to fail." I don't think couples have to have everything in common. Having some shared hobbies is nice but I don't think it's essential for having a happy and satisfying relationship. It ultimately just boils down to, are you willing to put in the extra effort that may be required? When people have tons of things in common, it's just easier to make it work but that doesn't mean it's impossible for it to work with someone who you don't have as much in common with.

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  • Hmm it can work if the two of you want it to make it work. Yes you two are the exact opposites but there are PLENTY of things that the both of you can learn from each other and grow from. Not a full conversation you guys will have at all.

    With the "having fuck buddies an all" you may need to talk to him about that and find solid grounds on that topic. A good part of me may feel like he'll be skeptical and disappointed in that decision. But who knows, he may be lenient

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  • It can work. Just because you don't have a lot of things in common, it doesn't mean you can't talk about anything. Conversations are usually a lot more interesting when your opinions don't completely match, so you can talk about different perspectives and your personal views.
    As for the sex, I can't really comment on that. If you're not exclusive it's not technically something he can object to. But he might still be turned off by it. Maybe just ask him and see what he thinks.

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    • 3mo

      I asked him already, bit he's abroad and doesn't have internet everywhere. Still waiting for his reply.

  • Um, no. He is not the problem, it is you. I believe you just need to stop dating him, because you just won't fit for him. Your not somebody he needs. Especially with your history and the fact you sleep with people out of convenience or whatever is you reason in doing that. He would not like that and will highly reconsider dating you further because its going to hurt him. And no, he is going to mind and think differently of you. I'm just speaking the truth. That is going to really bother him. Now he lost his virginity to you and your not sure in continue dating him, that's not good. Overall you do need to come clean with him now that you had sex with him, and if this isn't going to go anywhere, he needs to know that much. Other than that, I see this as a very big mistake, and a relationship that will not go very far. Something you two will eventually regret.

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    • 3mo

      He replied; he doesn't mind. I've been ckear about my history from the beginning. Just because I've been adventurous and like sex doesn't mean Im just sleeping with anyone. He doesn't feel like he lost his virginity to me, since we didn't have intercourse. I think oral counts as sex too but whatever, it's not like he has moral objections. The only problem now is us being different, not me being bad for him or the other way round.

    • 3mo

      @Asker He did lose his virginity oral sex is still sex. And if he doesn't think that, he's going to have further issues mentally and psychologically about this. That is the whole point. Overall he may say that he doesn't mind, but now if you two do not have further intentions of being with each other it isn't going to work. Not that you two don't have much in common. There is plenty of long lasting relationships that have opposites and they learn to grow together as a couple. What I'm seeing is a lot of conflicting issues that he may regret later on. That is why I said it will not work. You have to look at this long term not short term. And right now he isn't looking at this long term.

  • I know people who are complete opposites that got married... everyone thinks "how did that happen?" but who cares what people think? as long as you're happy.

    if there is chemistry and you get along, go for it. might open you both up to different worlds and to things you never knew you would like...

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  • In my personal opinion, they are doomed to fail unless both of you are ready to make sacrifices and start liking and acting similarly to make it work. I say this because I was in this sort of relationship and it was really hard to be happy as in the end all i did was sacrifice everything to make him happy which ended up turning into hate.

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    • 3mo

      I've had a similar experience, although the main differences laid in jealousy (he was easily jealous, I was a flirt. A monogamous and honest one, but that didn't matter) , activity level (I wanted to do a lot and he didn't want to leave his room) and happiness (I suspected he might have been depressed but he refused to seek help). Im unsure if the differences with this new guy might turn out the same, as they centre around other things like hobbies and interests.

    • 3mo

      Hmm try to find common ground I guess. I broke my friends heart because I knew we didn't match. there are days where I regret it but only when im feeling lonely. Overall I m glad i took that decision. So I suggest you see how things play out but remember your happiness is worth more because in the end its your life!

    • 3mo

      Thank you for your advise!

  • It's not doomed to fail at all. Sure there are some differences, but you will find more things in common once you get to know each other more. It could be opinions and stuff like that.

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  • I think you are disgusting.

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  • Yeah you for sure can be compatible with each other because you and him complement each other. As for sleeping with other people while he's away I think that's okay if you really can't wait but it would be preferable if you didn't. If you really care about this guy, you shouldn't.

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    • 3mo

      He said he doesn't want to be exclusive yet so I suppose it's okay. Not saying Im planning any yet, but I could if I wanted to.

    • 3mo

      Yeah I think you're doing everything right with the situation. I guess it's up to you if you're in the mood to sleep with someone while he's gone. It's good that you have your options.

  • Your a whore, leave the poor guy alone;he deserves better.

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    • 3mo

      Im not a whore since I don't ask money :p
      Plus you don't know my circumstances. Calling girls whores is sexist by the way. I prefer the term sexually liberated. I know my body, am not ashamed of my needs and desires and don't do anything I don't want to do. I always make sure my (bed) partner and I know each other well and know the other's intentions, I always do it safe and I know how to say no whenever Im not comfortable. This poor guy could get the best sex he's ever going to have, my problem is with the platonic part of it all.

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    • 3mo

      Lol I told you don't have to tell me nothing just let me be disgusted damn 😭😭😭

    • 3mo

      Why are you disgusted?

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