My girlfriend is awful at expressing her feelings. Verbally and physically, help? (Girls)?

My girlfriend has always been awful at expressing her feelings. She never initiates any thing. I'm always the one to grab her hand, to hug her, to kiss her, to say I love you, etc. I've asked her if she likes it when we hold hands, hug, kiss, etc and she said she loves it. It does not seem like that at all though since she never initiates. When I say "I love you." she says "I love you too." I've asked her what shows or proves that you love me and she says "I don't know, I just do." Is she full of bologna? Is she lying about liking it when we hug and kiss and is she lying about loving me? If she isn't lying how can I get her to initiate and be the first to say I love you or be the first to start a make out session. I want her to just push me over lay on me and kiss me. I feel awful and I don't believe her when she says she likes things, since she never initiates. So, is she telling the truth about everything and if she is how can I get her to initiate things? I NEVER force things on her and I always ask her if whatever I'm doing is okay before I do it. Thank you.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • 1. TELL HER. Sitting behind the scenes and getting frustrated over her continual lack of affection is only going to slowly but surely intensify your feelings until they boil over. Though you express your intentions to her, she may be clueless at how frustrated you are about the lack of reciprocation and your need and want for her to initiate something.

    Have a conversation and indicate that you really like to be hugged and kissed by her and you would love it if she did it at least every once in a while because it makes you feel really special to her and really good. Don't push. Don't demand. When she does show you any physical affection, no matter how small, tell her how grateful and appreciative of her efforts you are. It may help encourage her to do it more if she sees how happy it makes you.

    2. On the flip, find out what she wants. You've asked if she likes what you're doing, but instead try asking her how she would like you to show affection to her. Really listen to her and respect whatever she says she wants from you or doesn't want from you.

    3. Be patient. This whole affection thing may be new to her in regards to it coming from someone other than her friends or family, so it may take her some time to get used to it and someone needing her to show it.

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What Girls Said 19

  • I think a problem you have, that I have too, is that how we show our love, is how we expect to get it back.
    I do SO much for my boyfriend, in terms of cooking/cleaning/physical attention, because I do love him. But I've never said "I love you" because, well reasons, so i show my love in those ways. Anyway, he says he loves me, but he never really does those things for me, or wants physical attention as much. And it got to me for a while that "how can he say it and not show it". We had a conversation and I had to learn how HE shows it. His singing around the house and putting my name in the song, him saying it etc, those are his ways. And once I learnt that, it was fine.

    While, perhaps she is shy and needs to try a bit harder, perhaps you need to look at what she does do to show her love. At your age I suppose it's not the same as my partner and I living together. But yeah.

    BUT it is important that we listen to our partner, so if she is having a reason to not say it/initiate it, maybe she has an insecurity that she'll annoy you, then she needs to say it, and talk about it. So yeah, perhaps just keep telling her you aren't going anywhere, but you don't feel her emotions, and it's getting to you.

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  • From reading further down 3 months isn't a lot of time to be dating someone and it is certainly far too early to be saying you love her, that would scare me right off someone saying they love me after just 3 months because we only just technically started dating, 3 months isn't a lot of time at all, take it easy, slow yourself down and for now hold off on saying you love her and trying to be so lovey dovey, if you truly care for her let her come to you in her own terms and be paitent, if you intend to have a long-term relationship with her rushing things may be scaring her off too, i just don't understand how some people can say they love you so quickly and start trying to act like a full on couple so quickly. It's scary for all of us and letting someone in is a sacred thing because we are letting you into our heart and our soul it's a fragile thing so take it easy.

    Don't start with asking any questions like "Where are we at in this relationship?" just don't even ask yourself these things and hit the breaks on the speed you are trying to go at, even the word "relationship" is a scary word to even say so early on it's enough to frighten anyone off i guess, so just take things slowly.

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  • No she's not. She is not used to physical affection like that so I honestly don't see what is the problem. She doesn't initiate anything because she is holding back. She doesn't want to do things she will regret. if you can't deal with it, then you need to end it because either way, you thinking like that is going to seriously hurt her. And make her think that no one would want to date her and accept her for who she is. She is trying to take things slower than usual. Be patient with her and don't show frustration or she will feel really bad.

    Just talk to her and do as usual. Always COMMUNICATE your intentions and wants to her and always have an EAR to LISTEN. You both are young. So do not push her into something she doesn't want or isn't ready for even though you say you never did. But that frustration after a while will tempt you to do so, so I'm just warning you know. She isn't lying to you. Don't try to get her to initiate anything. If she doesn't feel safe in the relationship yet, she won't do it. Make her feel safe! Or she will pull away. She is highly introverted, more of a loner, emotional and to herself. If you want to get her out of her shell, you have to do it right by taking the relationship slow. Also the part where you desire her to do those things to you, yeah, she isn't the type of person to do that and be all over you. That is the type of person you have. We may look the same on the surface, but below the surface we are entirely different. I know how she feels because I do the exact same thing. And I never dated before or had a boyfriend. I just don't do it if I don't feel safe and comfortable. That is just me. I just don't do it. Don't like it, don't date me, or ask me. Overall she is telling the truth. But know it may take weeks or months just to try to get anything of just one innocent affection like a peck on the cheek.

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  • while there's a small chance that she *is* lying, showing affection just doesn't come naturally to some people.

    maybe you haven't been together long, or her parents were emotionally distant and raised her not to show affection. it's also possible that her lack of demonstration is related to childhood abuse or trauma, in which case she needs help.

    since you sound like a decent guy, i'm willing to bet that her issues have nothing to do with you.

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    • 3mo

      it doesn't seem like she's ever been abused. Her parents are affectionate too. I really don't know what to do, do you have any ideas on how I can get her to be more affectionate?

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    • 3mo

      Yes, we have talked about it. She said she is working on expressing her self more, but it doesn't seem like it at all. She just tells me that it will take time. How much time? Is it a year, ten years? I just don't feel loved and I don't know how long I can wait. It feels like I love her, but she doesn't love me back.

    • 3mo

      there isn't really a timeline~ your girlfriend is a person, and all people are different.

      if she tells you she's working on it, she's doing it for you~ that alone tells me that she's not lying about how much she cares for you. but i agree with @InfernalMachinae's suggestion: showing affection can take many forms.

  • She's probably shy, talk to her more about how you are feeling. She probably likes you a bit to be honest some people just aren't that effectionate.
    y'all sound adorable by the way.
    Defiantly talk to her about it it's the way- being honest and open. Give it time otherwise and maybe throw something out like "You should really kiss me right now." And silly cute stuff like that.

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    • 3mo

      Thanks. 😊 How much time should I give it?

    • 3mo

      I can't actually say at all, it depends on her and her way of getting used to being affectionate.

      I know that's a lame answer but it's the right one, lol. She will eventually warm up and if she doesn't she just isn't like you in that way.

      Something you should embrace about her though.

  • I see you are 16 & that's fine but I'm 30 & where the hell are other guys like you at? In all my years of dating & marriage I cannot find an affection guy to save my life! Ok mini rant over. How old is your gf? Has she been hurt before? She could have some things going on that she hasn't told you about. Or she could just be like the guys I've dated & not be super affectionate. It happens unfortunately. My best advice, keep talking to her & let her know you're there. Make her feel comfortable but not smothered. If you two stay together, you'll have to find a happy medium & compromise :) Best to you both!

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    • 3mo

      She is 15. She has only dated two other guys and the last one tried to cheat on her. She is my first girlfriend. Do you think she is being honest when she says she loves me and enjoys my affection?

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    • 3mo

      Her parents were very intimate at a very young age, they are very open about the topic. My girlfriend and I have discussed and have both agreed it would be best to wait until marriage if we were ever to do anything of the sorts.

    • 3mo

      Understandable, whatever works best for you two! Glad they are understanding. I hope this works out for you two! Maybe that's why you are super affectionate because its only type of release you get around her. And hey that's ok!

  • As other people have said, TELL HER!! Tell her that your feelings are hurt and that you want her to initiate things because it makes you feel loved.

    What I would recommend is both of you sit down and do the 'five languages of love' test. As mentioned before, we tend to give love in the way we want to receive it. The five are:
    Physical affection (non-sexual)
    Words of affirmation
    Acts of service
    Gift giving
    Quality time

    Doing the test will help both of you understand how the other wants to be loved. For example, my top one is physical affection followed by words of affirmation and quality time in second place. For my partner, acts of service and words of affirmation are joint first followed by quality time. His last one was physical affection. So up until we did the test, I wasn't feeling very loved because being physically affectionate didn't come naturally to him. He didn't mind receiving physical affection (it doesn't test what you don't like but what you like most) but getting him to return it was hard. I now do stuff for him that he hates like making the bed/making his lunch for work the next day because it makes him feel loved. It's a really interesting (free) test because it can help both you and your girlfriend understand how the other wants to be loved.

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  • My ex had that issue with me. To be honest, I wasn't true to myself, and thought I loved him when I truly didn't.

    Those things should come naturally, but some girls/guys just aren't like that. Have you talked to her about it?

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  • We honestly wouldn't know if she likes it or not. I think you should talk to her about it and tell her what you would love her to do AND its important to listen to her and try to get to know why she never starts anything! Good luck!!

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  • Oh no! It could just be she's just shy about these things and thinks in a simple manner, not stupid but, you know just simple?

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    • 3mo

      So you think she is being honest when she says she loves me and enjoys kissing and hugging me and stuff?

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    • 3mo

      No, I hate to say it, but you're right. I've been slowly come to the realization of this. I love her so much, but I don't think she is for me. Ugh, I'm crying right now. I hate life.

    • 3mo

      And with that I give you a virtual hug through the computer. It's alright dude, you'll find someone worthy.

  • Damn that must suck

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  • i think she does love you. I'm the same when it comes to showing affection, at least at the beginning. How much time you 2 have been dating?

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    • 3mo

      We have been dating for three months.

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    • 3mo

      How much time do you think it will be before she starts initiating things and being affectionate? It feels like I lover her, but she doesn't love me back. It hurts and I don't know how long I can wait.

    • 3mo

      Hmm... It all depends on the person, she could be figuring out some things herself. We're all people and people are all different.

  • hmmm i dont know, im a VERY SHY person, but when im around the person i love (boyfrd) i open up a little like initiate hugs or kisses. how long have u guys been dating? maybe she's new to this?
    or there is a chance she dont actually love you
    i mean when u truly like/love someone, there is always a way somehow to show affection.

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    • 3mo

      We have been dating for about three months. She is 15 and I'm 16. I was her first kiss and she was mine.

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    • 3mo

      She will text me first sometimes, but she doesn't give a shit about my day and stuff. Sorry, for my language. She has me kind of pissed off right now.

    • 3mo

      oh wow... hmm... I don't know... seems like she dont actually love u as a boyfrd, I don't know tho. i mean even if im shy, when my boyfriend dont text me for some time i do get worried and text and ask about his day or stuff.
      do u n her vid chat or anything? maybe she is just really shy? is she shy around people n her frds too?

  • She does love you, I believe. I've read through other replies and what I can say is just give her time. As much as she needs, don't push her or you might scare her away.
    If you're her first kiss, then yes, she's probably just so nervous as to what you like and what you don't, so just relax a bit, and ease up a bit on lovey dovey stuff. That can get overwhelming.

    Mind keeping me in the loop?

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  • Hmm
    .

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  • Telling her how you feel is probably the best bet.

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  • I was exactly like your girlfriend when i was still dating my husband. And he was like you too, always asking why i love him, and asking why i never make the move and he always does. Questions like how you ask your girlfriend. I said the same like your girlfriend and i was telling the truth, plus i did loved him. Im just shy about it and i just want him to be the one doing it to me because i like feeling wanted by him. I like getting his attention. Maybe your girlfriend feels the same way. Anyways, as we got married, I've changed, and i now do most of the initiating. He has changed too by not doing it anymore. Maybe you two will be the same as youve been together long.

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    • 3mo

      Even if she does love me though, it just doesn't feel like it. It hurts.

    • 3mo

      Yeah that how my husband felt like, but i did loved him. Plus, i was just not a person who doesn't express my emotions. Talk to her again how you feel towards it

  • Sometimes for girls it's just as hard as for guys to show feelings or talk about them.

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    • 3mo

      How can I get her to show them?

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    • 3mo

      Exactly the way I just wrote it tell her exactly that.

    • 3mo

      As long as it takes

  • Maybe she is shy.

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    • 3mo

      So, you think she is telling truth? She does love me and does enjoy hugging, kissing, and etc?

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    • 3mo

      Or*. .

    • 3mo

      Oh, I guess it's worth a shot.

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