Boyfriends bad past?

I am with my boyfriend who has been nothing but great to me. I really adore him. But there are many things in his past that I have looked over (eg. Lots of drinking, lots of sexual partners, party lifestyle.) but told myself hey its the past I didn't know him then and until he proves me not to trust him I will. And I do.

But I still find myself worrying and getting anxious over things.. How can I reassure myself? I'm afraid to bring it up to him, I did once before and it didn't go so well.

I just wish I could shut that part of my brain off, but can't help comparing our pasts and somehow thinking its "unfair" or wanting to know the amount of girls etc etc. I find myself getting jealous and insecure.

I just want to know if anyone has some experience here or advice on how to tame my inner jealousy beast.

I want to be able to love him fully and not worry about the person he was. A part of me is scared I don't know him well enough, but again he has shown me nothing but kindness. He has said some stupid things, but nothing to hurt me on purpose.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • The past is what made him who he is, you can't simply just ignore it and say "the past is the past" it doesn't work that way.
    Many people here think you can just changed like when you turn on and off a switch. Yeah, change is possible, but it takes a long time, especially for an adult.

    I don't know how long you've been dating, but if you don't think you can look over his past, then it's better to break up, cause you're always gonna have those thoughts in the back of your mind that are just gonna cause problems.
    You can give it more time, have a serious and honest talk with him, but if things don't change, I think breaking up is the best.

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    • 3mo

      Well I definitely don't want to break up with him. And we have only been dating for maybe a month. I'm hoping once we move forward I can fully trust him and the past will go away.

      I do like that you said "the past is what made him who he is". That's a good way to look at it

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    • 3mo

      Thank you, very good points.

    • 3mo

      Thanks for the MHO

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm kind of similar.
    And you're right, it is his past and you aren't judging him for it. I just find telling myself every day the things my partner does for me, shows me he loves me to be helpful. I've heard seeking professional help can actually be useful (I haven't done it yet, but I am interested in the idea if I can get the money).

    But in the end, if you can't find a way to forget it and move on, then telling him you're sorry that you can't be comfortable with it, and he doesn't deserve to feel not trusted for something he hasnt' done wrong, he'd hopefully understand.

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What Guys Said 3

  • Sounds like you're convincing yourself of the worst scenario with only some precedence to go off... apart from his behaviour towards you, what else will convince you that things are all good?

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    • 3mo

      I tend to do that. I also suffer from anxiety which doesn't help.

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    • 3mo

      Sounds like he just wants to let sleeping dogs lie and move on with life, which is a good thing. Is there anything in his behaviour that would lead you to believe he would regress?

    • 3mo

      No not specifically. He has been a smoker (cigarettes) since he was 13 and has quit (in the process currently) because of me. I told him to do it for himself and his health which he is but says I am more so his motivation. I know he is very much in love with me but with things moving that fast maybe I just need the time to develop full trust. He still drinks but nothing crazy and eh so do I.

      I'm not worried he will go back to the way he was, I'm more so worried that I will keep thinking about the way he was and it will ruin our future together.

      But maybe if it wasn't for his past he wouldn't be at this point in his life and be able to treat me the way he does?

      I want to find the balance between him reassuring me but not so much that I'm just being insecure..

  • Trust him! Talk to him about it too. You worry like this simply because you like him, that's natural too.

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What Girls Said 1

  • Talk to him about it

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