I'm breaking up with her. Harsh truth or random bullshit?

There are a lot of amazing women in this world, and one day I hope to be married to one.
Unfortunately the girl I have been dating is not one of them. The better I get to know her, the more I realize how selfish she is, and how incompatible we are.
In the past I have used generic BS such as "I'm just not ready to settle down" instead of the harsh truth. In this case the truth is: "you are a self centered person with little regard for the welfare of anyone but yourself, and I find that unattractive"
I want to hear your advice, and real life scenarios. How would/did you handle breakups.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • To me the kindest thing to do here and the one that will cause you both the least amount of stress is direct but not cruel. That is, you don't have to tell her your negative thoughts about her.

    You can and probably should, however, tell her that you're no longer interested, no longer see her that way, and nothing will change that. You can focus on neutral terms that avoid going into the negative qualities you find about her character like saying that you find you two "hopelessly incompatible".

    It's somewhat cold still but it avoids a common tendency that can come when break-up messages are too sugarcoated or filled with excuses: it avoids giving the other person false hope that they can change some minor things and get back together again. It's important to be clear that you've moved on so that she can do the same.

    This somewhat cold but forward route that avoids the risk of raising her hopes for a second chance is actually the kindest route in my opinion, and it's one you can look back on and not feel so ashamed about years later in spite of cutting her off.

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    • 3mo

      Put another way, the best kind of break-up message for a person you never intend to be with again that way is one that is minimally cruel/cold but still gets the point clearly across that there isn't going to be a second chance.

    • 3mo

      If she starts getting hysterical and calls you a jerk or saying bad things about you as a boyfriend to your face, then the best course of action here is often to just be the bigger person and shrug it off. It's nice to come out of these things knowing that you were patient and mature, only cold enough to really get the point across but not more so.

    • 3mo

      Thanks, solid advice. I agree that a clean break is best, and that is the mistake I made in previous relationships.
      Temporary pain>continual misery.

What Girls Said 2

  • I think you should tell her the truth because otherwise she may feel that she still has a shot with you. I had to let someone go who I really loved because he would often disregard for how I felt about certain things and it got to the stage of enough is enough. He was so smug and never thought we would split but I am glad I dumped him. I don't miss a single thing about him anymore.

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  • I had that with a man i used to date I never could quiet tell him you are a self centered person with little regard for the welfare of anyone but yourself, and I find that unattractive" I just broke up with him gave him the excuse I wasn't ready for a relationship

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What Guys Said 1

  • Tell her: It's not you, it's me. I just can't be with a self centered person with little regard for the welfare of anyone but herself."

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