Are you supposed to feel sexual chemistry right off the bat?

So i started seeing this guy and liked him a lot cause i was kind of "chasing" him (yes, i know thats a problem- not looking for a lecture). Now that were together I can't really tell if i like him like that. We connect really well, always have something to talk about super sarcastic with each other and i feel comfortable around him.

Problem is I don't feel that sexual chemistry. My relationships in the past sucked cause i've always looked for the wrong things so i don't trust my opinion when it comes to serious relationships. Does that feeling eventually grow? Or should i just kinda end things?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • In my experience yes it is important and usually can tell by the first few dates. Honestly if it's been awhile and your not feeling it I'd end it. Believe me when the sexual chemistry is there it's unbelievable lol.

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    • 3mo

      ugh i know… and I've felt it but he ended up not caring about me as much as i did him. i feel like part of the "sexual chemistry" is the chase. i know that sounds really bad, but every guy I've felt that sexual chemistry with made me chase them.

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    • 3mo

      @ikissedtheskyonce key word is stories. There are two sides of a story. I myself have only heard of one that was true.

    • 3mo

      Thanks for the MHO!

Most Helpful Girl

  • how long have you been seeing him?
    if he made advances and you felt indifferent then break it off

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    • 3mo

      probably a month and a half. were only able to see each other once a week with our schedules tho. he's made advances and weve done stuff, but i dk. I've just felt that sexual chemistry more with other people if that makes sense? like i like kissing him, but i dont NEED to lol

    • 3mo

      Then break it off.
      You can get both: sexual chemistry and great friendship
      Why settle for less

    • 3mo

      Thanks for mho :)

What Guys Said 35

  • For me it's either there or it's not. It might vary for people.

    In my case, sexual chemistry tends to be more like this incredible bond we have in the bedroom, like our minds and bodies were made for each other. It's not something that can be improved with "technique" or anything like that.

    When it's there, sex is out of this world. When it's not, it's just physical pleasure but somewhat empty, like just a bit above masturbation in that it's hot and sexy but it's not like I'm making love to a goddess.

    To me it's not something that can grow. I've tried that before where I even thought I loved a girl but sex felt like just physical pleasure. I didn't even realize it at the time since she was my first girlfriend, but in retrospect it was worlds apart from my fifth girlfriend with whom I had so much sexual chemistry that I literally fell in love with her through the process of making love to her.

    I ended up ending things in all cases where that chemistry wasn't present, once I experienced it for the first time where the magic was there. After that I was greedy to feel that again, I wanted that feeling more than anything else in life, and I didn't settle on any girl who came short.

    With the first girl who triggered that feeling of amazing chemistry, things didn't work out. It went to hell when we started living together and got engaged. After the engagement broke off, I actually traveled desperately looking for a girl with whom I can have that feeling again, only to find girls who didn't make me feel that way.

    It was only when I gave up on feeling that way ever again that I found another who made me feel that way again years later, and then I married her. To me that sexual chemistry is kind of everything, not because sex is everything, but that original chemistry is what really jump-starts the original feeling where I simply like a girl, like her looks and character, and elevates it to the feeling that I want her more than anything else in life. Over time that fiery feeling settles a bit but she still remains the one I want to hold and cuddle with and still have sex with all the time. Lacking that feeling seems dull to me, like I wouldn't have anything particularly special with her that I couldn't have with one of my best female friends.

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    • 3mo

      For me only two women out of dozens made me feel like they were "sexual soulmates" (married the second). And I really want to put it in terms like "soulmates", in that they are more discovered than developed. You don't suddenly go from a random person and develop strong feelings and consider them soulmates. That feeling is often there from the beginning or it'll never be there at all.

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    • 3mo

      To me love is fantasy land. It's a thing born in our imagination. It's irrational. A perfectly rational being like an android who processes everything logically would not put one mate above all others. To do that requires building some dreams and hopes and fantasies around a person.

      It's all about what triggers those dreams/hopes/fantasies that makes us fall in love. People say sex with love is so much better, and that I wholeheartedly agree. The awkward thing in my case is that I fall in love through that process, and I found later on that the only way I could really discover the extent of my feeling for a girl is by sleeping together and seeing if we have that kind of magic.

      It's a bit of a cruel process since when it doesn't work out, it can hurt people -- both ways. I didn't feel like a very good person when I met a nice girl, dated her, and then found the sexual chemistry lacking and wanting to move on already. I'm hoping most people aren't like me.

    • 3mo

      This is very well said, and I liked it when you said they are discovered more than developed. I already have a high sexsual chemistry with my boyfriend, but I also had it with other two guys. we had a crazy sexsual attraction and chemistry. It's like I knew them for some reason, and every time we talk we get crazy horny and it's so so hard to control, even though we're talking about random and normal stuff. It felt so right to the point I wanted sex so much I felt him in me. and if I touched him or he touched me it's a crazy sensation, like other world and everyone disappears! I Didn't /couldn' t cheat on my boyfriend. But I always wonder how sex would be like if I did.

  • i think you know pretty quick. Sometimes there's attraction... but then when you get into it (ie sexually) it's a bit of a mismatch/disappointment.

    But let me say this... I've had girls who have SOME sexual interest but they seem to think it's not right, etc... then they get with me and they're shocked by the sexual "chemistry" ... ie I'd take a taste test before you write him off if you have other qualities/fun in common, etc. Girls are bad judges of sexual chemistry a lot in my opinion. They choose the wrong guys 3/4 of the time... have high expectations, get let down... and sometimes the guy that would blow them away is right next to them.

    However, I'd also add-your instincts SHOULD tell you if a guy is good in bed if you talk to him ABOUT sex... clueless guys are clueless and the way they talk about it tells you everything... so you can taste test without touching him with simply sparking the right topics into the discussion-learn how to do that and read that, and you'll waste a lot less time on lame sex ;)

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  • You don't have to, but it does help to have a bit of that lustful drive to help. I don't know if it's true for most men, but usually when I see a woman who I am attracted to, sex does cross my mind. Don't be alarmed though, it's like a weird thought it the back of my head, not the sole purpose of approaching, and not the only thing that I want from a relationship.

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    • 3mo

      Hey there, solid answer! I just think it belongs with a different question lol. She's asking if its ok that she isn't feeling sexual chemistry with a guy she's seeing after having already dated a bit. Her question has to do with whether she should end things or be patient and let the attraction have a chance at growing.

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    • 3mo

      We get along really well. Talking is super easy and I think he's attractive. But when we're making our I don't really get turned on if that makes sense?

    • 3mo

      Well, if you can friend him out of respect, that's always an option, but if you aren't feeling the drive but want to, continuing seems a tad fruitless. I know only from the male side of this equation, so my gut says end it now before it get's too serious. If he askes why, just tell him that a relationship seemed like what you wanted, but you found that you didn't. It's the truth (or mostly) and you can try again in the future.

  • i think there is usually some chemistry to begin with. it may not be fireworks but i think a certain amount of chemistry should exist from the beginning.

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    • 3mo

      sexual chemistry may not be present upon first meeting the person and may not happen until you guys engage physically

  • First, there's nothing wrong with chasing... so perish that thought.

    Second, have you actually had sex and you don't feel you do it well together? Are you opposed to talking to him about it or giving him direction while you're having sex in order to get what you feel is what you want? Or are you expecting sexual chemistry without having had sex?

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    • 3mo

      I was beig ashamed of wanting a guy just for the chase lol

      And yes I want sexual chemistry without sex. I've had it before but our relationship didn't work out. We didn't have enough in common so I know I'm doing things wrong

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    • 3mo

      @kitty71 Correct, they're nothing wrong with being the one to pursue. Some guys would rather be the one, and some girls would rather be the one. But there's nothing inherently "wrong" with it.

      It sounds to me like that guy isn't interested. If he was he wouldn't have blown you off.

    • 3mo

      I mean I was not really interested in a serious relationship either since that comes as you get to know the person better in the long run. I just wanted first to get to know him, not that I want right of the bat being his girlfriend or date him, just want to h ang out to see what will happen especially when he gave me signs he liked me and I just followed his signs. I jsut first want to get to know him I was not ready to be serious anyway, but maybe I acted too fast and he read my signs as me wanting something serious so that he did not like.

  • Really depends i think. When i didn't have any sexual chemistry with a girl i changed it around. I feel as though its a way to grow when you don't see eye to eye with a partner but its entirely relative, that may simply not be your thing.

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  • My experience (which, as a male, could be different from yours by nature) is that I either feel the sexual attraction right away or not at all.

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  • If you're asking if you'll find him more attractive in time, I doubt you will. Most people tend to become less attractive over time. If you're asking if he may get better at pleasing you sexually, that's fairly possible.

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    • 3mo

      great, thanks. my situation is def the second part

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    • 3mo

      Mm I don't know he's had 4 serious relationships. Lol he's 25 and just got out of a 4 year relafionship

    • 3mo

      Maybe not lol. Telling him what the problems are may help though.

  • I just look at a female and I see it immediately, lol

    This part of the evaluation is one-sided though

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  • the decision if a person is suitable for having sex with them or not falls within the very first second of seeing them. litterally in a blink of an eye. it´s only later that we decide not to actually do it based on what we learn about them.

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  • Lmao. This is what happens when bros don't lift.

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  • That feeling grows slowly... So don't rush.. Maybe you are Demisexual... Meaning the more you get to know him the more better would be the sex?

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  • based on your responses to other ppls comments i'd point to his personality as the lacking factor.

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  • Asexual chemistry is impotent and I usually feel inihj away. That obviously makes bedroom play much better.

    Have you slept with him yet and how did you feel during and after? That may be a clue

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    • 3mo

      no we haven't slept together yet. that wouldn't happen for a few months.

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    • 3mo

      i dont really feel turned on or feel inclined to do anything when were making out and stuff

    • 3mo

      Ahh.. Gotcha. I think sexual
      Compatibility is very important and if you're not feeling it, you should end it because it isn't likely to change

  • It should happen if it's going to.

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  • I usually feel sharp throbbing pains right off the bat. Bats are generally very hard and on impact transfer quite a bit of force, especially aluminum bats.

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  • He's probably not touching you physically much. Even small things can help that feeling

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  • Me after banging em lmao

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  • If you haven't had sex, there's no way to develop any sort of chemistry about it, now is there?

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  • If sexual chemistry is required, I'm staying single for life XD

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  • I believe there should be chemistry but basing a relationship off of sex is a road that leads to heartache and sadness. Sex is good but its def. not something you want to base a long lasting relationship on.

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  • I think so

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  • How did batman got involved in this?

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  • no i don t like bats that way :p

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  • I'm guessing if you do that is puppy love lol

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  • Most women talk about wanting or needing that spark/butterfly feelings and never seem to realize that all the guys that make them feel that way turn out to be no good. I would suggest for girls to stop using their feelings as a guide. Feelings 9 out of 10 times is nothing more than illogical thought.

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  • WTF , not if you were slipped a roofy

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  • You have to lose that V card eventually

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  • Sexual attraction from women towards men will grow over time. It's rarely something instantly. It might takes months to develop, but if you like him, then it eventually will develop :)

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  • You were more interested in the chase.

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  • More from Guys
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What Girls Said 25

  • Attraction can grow the more you're around each other. In my opinion, there are more important aspects about a relationship than sex. For example, communication, trust, mutual goals, etc. My husband is not someone that I described as my "type." What caught my eye was his cute smile but it didn't exactly get me ready for action. What made it for me is how much he made, and still makes me laugh. How much he cared, and still cares for me and our future. He is a good and faithful man and that to me is so much more attractive than anything else I've experienced. He makes me want to have his babies lol. I think if you want to play it safe, just be friends with this guy for a while longer and go with the flow of things. Don't put yourself or your relationship in a box because you may miss something good.

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  • For me personally with my partner the sexual chemistry wasn't there for me to start with. When we starting dating and talking I was interested but not majorly. It took a bit of time but I'm head over heels for him now, and engaged to him. Some people it's there straight away and some people it's not. I think as long as you're not repulsed by him and you're actually interested in him there's no harm in giving it a shot I say. But just don't force anything whatever you do. Just depends on different people I think :)

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  • So many people overlook this and fail to consider that that are multiple facets of compatibility. Mental, Emotional, Physical, Spiritual (in many cases), AND Sexual.

    If you're not feeling it, then this guy is not ideal relationship material for you.

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  • Noop... only with certain people but most people it's not that easy sadly, it's different with everyone but sexual chemistry is definitely important too, i don't think that feeling will grow if you don't find all of them attractive, i don't think most of us coud be with someone if we didn't we would be lying if we should we could stay with them.

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    • 3mo

      I think he's attractive!! I just don't get turned on.. It's weird lol

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    • 3mo

      I mean yeah he can be a little arrogant at times.. But he's confident which is attractive to me. Sometimes the line gets crossed tho haha

    • 3mo

      That will be it then, i don't like arrogant men ether it makes me dry lol that is a number 1deal breaker for me, i will never date any guy with arrogant qualities i find them too hard work.

  • It can develop as you two get to know each other more. No bad in getting to know him a little and seeing if it grows. I didn't have a lot of sexual tension with my boyfriend until we started getting physical-then it got better and better until <3

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  • It grows strong when you and that persons bond is strong. I had a boyfriend who was completely opposite of me in terms of body and facial features, at first I was like " yeah you're pretty ugly" lmao seriously but I loved him. And after awhile I just imagined us in that heat of the moment and I got shivers. And he just looked handsome to me. After I seen his body I couldn't stop complimenting him, touching him. It was nice. And on certain days I just wasn't in the mood. It'll change and if it works it works.

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  • Lack of sexual chemistry is manageble. You can make your relationship work without it. But then, why would u have a cheap-ass-supermarket- brand chocolate bar if you can get the swiss one top of the line? Its up to you in the end of the day... Keep in mind tho: rarely sexual chemistry will grow. It's there already or it never will be. And when its there... oh mama...

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  • To me, physical attraction must be present at first, but not necessarily in a sexual way, and that physical attraction combined with my interaction with a man can build into sexual attraction over time. So yes, it can "grow" in some way, but not out of nowhere.

    (Sexual and physical attractions are different to me. Physical attraction to me means I think a man is handsome and/or has a nice body, and sexual attraction is when I have thoughts/fantasies about having sex with a man.

    Examples: A supermodel has a nice body, but I have no thought about having sex with him, and I'm not attracted to all handsome men.

    On the other hand, a man who is good-looking but sometimes very handsome, has nice arm muscles but a thick midsection with no abs, might attract me.)

    Physical attraction comes first for me. When I first interact with a man, I will feel comfortable being around him, and I like to see and talk to him.

    After having talked to a man, knowing him and letting him know about me, then it's emotional connection. I'm a little sentimental, so the presence of emotional connection can increase my sexual attraction to a man.

    Then sexual attraction and sexual connection come in. That is when I'm talking to a man or just simply seeing him, I'll feel sexual around him.

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  • I'm confused about what you want. If you want a serious relationship, yes, you can put effort into it and the "chemistry" (I hate that word) may eventually grow. When I began dating my SO, I was attracted to him as a person and not really his looks, but as I got to know him, I grew to find him attractive.

    However, if you're only looking for a temporary fling, what's the point? If there's no chemistry right now, you might as well leave. But in my personal opinion, "chemistry" is a dumb thing to base relationships on. You're searching for that spark, and sometimes it's there sometimes not, and even if it is, it ALWAYS goes away. Chemistry is lust compatibility, not long-term compatibility. So what are you looking for out of this relationship?

    (That's not to say that the attraction side isn't important in a relationship. It certainly is.)

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    • 3mo

      serious relationship... i dont date guys casually. thanks for your opinion :)

  • Like you don't know if you are attracted to him physically? Or you've started sleeping with him and you're not sure if you're compatible sexually?

    I do know that there has to be physical attraction. That's what draws you to the person in the first place.

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    • 3mo

      im physically attracted to him. we haven't had sex, but i usually feel more turned on than i am with him. its weird.

  • Yes in my opinion. To an extent

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  • Kinda hard not to when he's waking me up with his fingers in my p. 😂

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    • 3mo

      No way!!! Lol wouldn't that hurt? You'd still be dry 😁

      Actually speaking of that, fingering might have something to do with it. He doesn't have long fingers... So yeah lol I've felt better

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    • 3mo

      "He doesn't have long fingers..." lmao. Sorry that's just really funny

    • 3mo

      It was the first time we met lol

      I was taking a nap and he woke me up 😝

  • I think its different for everybody. I didn't immediately feel sexual chemistry with my husband but after getting to know him i did. he felt it right away though. The guys i dates before him I felt it right away and those relationships were horrible. My suggestion is give ot time.

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  • So you like and chase people who you aren't attracted to? Something more is probably at play there.

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    • 3mo

      no im attracted to him and i felt comfortable talking to him, thats why i went after him. Like i said, on paper were great but i just dont feel inclined to do anything with him sexually

    • 3mo

      Oh, okay. :) So... you enjoy his company but don't want to make out/have sex with him, right? As long as you feel attracted to him, it's possible the feelings might grow. It could be that at this point in your life you just don't have a lot of sexual desire built up?

    • 3mo

      That could be it. There's not many people I find sexually attractive tbh lol

  • Well I think you feel all sorts right away but I could be wrong

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  • I either feel chemistry instantly with people or not at all.

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  • There actually is incredible amounts of anticipation, excitement, joy, surprise and yes, sexual tension (the good kind) to be felt crackling like static lightning between two people who are biologically compatible. Whether they have had sex or not. Especially if not. I have a story about this happening to me... I thought I strongly disliked this man, Joe, because I thought he was shady and pretty slutty as well. My husband (who is bi) brought Joe home and beforehand I told them both that I did not want to join them in the bedroom, there was no way, so don't even ask. Of course Joe kept bringing up sexual topics. Somehow we end up watching porn. They put it on spank porn and now I'm really pissed because #1 They have obviously discussed my sexual preferences enough that JOE was able to pick a vid I liked (older men hardcore spanking younger ladies) and #2 They are trying this ploy on a grown ass woman, hoping I'll succumb to horniness lol. I wanted them to take me seriously and so since I had been determined not to get into shenanigans that night, I didn't. Indeed, Joe had driven 50 miles to watch porn and go home with blue balls. But I was glad I had resisted and stuck to my guns.
    But I kept thinking about certain things he'd said or done that impressed me. He critiqued the porn we were watching but gave detail about why each spanking worked and why it didn't and where it could be more erotic for the girl being spanked. Things he's done in the past. Yummy things. My brain was on full ignore mode at the time. But obviously my libido wasn't. On Thanksgiving I kik'd him just to wish him well. He asked me if I was enjoying my holiday. Before I had a chance to think, I heard (read?) myself saying (typing?)"Yes, but I'd rather be enjoying you." Instantly I did a silent WTF? to myself. He asked "Are you just messing with me?" I thought damn I must have been pretty bitchy that night if he thinks I'd be that mean. I'll give it another chance. And I invited him over.

    Let me tell you. Omg I have never had chemistry like that. His tongue in my mouth made me moan. His touch gave me shivers. He "gave" me lots of other stuff in bed too. All good stuff. No VD or anything like that lol. I was so into him that there were times I didn't even want to hear his voice because of something he'd said (inadvertently) that pissed me off. But I didn't tell him that. Because I knew that when he touched me, none of it would matter, and my body would respond anyway, and I didn't want to

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    • 3mo

      waste time discussing things when I could be in there discussing and feeling nothing but pure lust and passion. It was addictive. For 8 months, then... he ghosted me.

      My point is... I forget. I JUST MISS MY boyfriend

      Lol my point is, sexual chemistry is a bitch and can crop up anytime, anywhere, even in people you never thought you'd consider having sex with. It's biological and based on compatible pheromones interacting, and neurotransmitters rising and falling, among other things you can't control. I believe those feelings can be developed in less passionate couples and grow into a satisfying sex life. But it just won't be the "explosive, can't wait to get you inside me, tearing the panties off because it's faster" kind of sexual compatibility it would be if it came to you two naturally. So it's up to you to decide which scenario you can live with, breakup? or average sex/no sex for the rest of your time together? Just my opinion, of course.

  • no, sometimes it takes Time

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  • Only if the guy has a 12 inch pork chop between his legs.

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    • 3mo

      I can't, for the life of me, understand the desire for a super long penis. I had 9 inches once and it hurt. Felt like it was hitting wall (probably my cervix) I dont know about other women, but I have no need to be fucked in my uterus lmao.

    • 3mo

      @Ticxel she's joking lol

    • 3mo

      Okay, maybe so, but some women really feel that way

  • Then make some sexual chemistry, challenge him teasingly.

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  • I never feel it right off the bat to be honest.

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  • First up, nothing wrong with a girl doing the chasing. Better than waiting around for someone you like to do something..

    Hmm I think it depends on the individual. Sexual chemistry is very important to me, for some others that I know, it doesn't figure at all when choosing a potential partner.

    I've met guys whom I felt a lot of sexual chemistry right off the bat, but as I got to know them, that feeling disappeared. There were others that well, I wasn't repulsed by them, but the chemistry wasn't very strong either, yet it grew over time.

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  • For me is has to be right away. I can't be attracted to anyone without desiring them sexually. But then again, I'm more like a guy that way. First looks, personality next.

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  • Why were you chasing him to begin with?

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    • 3mo

      well he started flirting with me but never asked for my number. i knew his name so i added him on fb and then he asked for my number.

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