Did I blow my chances?

Long story short:

Girl and I went on 2 successful dates, she was definitely interested. However, she later admitted she couldn't continue dating and wasn't ready for a relationship. She was incredibly depressed and wasn't over her breakup with her previous partner so I decided to give her space. The issue is that I kept asking her for clarification on how she felt (a bit pushy) and why she wasn't ready. We agreed to be friends, but whenever I asked her to hangout she flaked because she definitely knew I still liked her and had intentions to advance towards commitment. We rarely texted (once or twice per week) and I eventually gave her space for an entire month, but when I recently texted her to propose discussing the issue in person she said she needs space and can't be 'just friends'. I confirmed through friends that she did like me initially, I'm just concerned that I killed off that attraction. I took everything quite casually however and never tried to challenge her needs, so will giving her space and time potentially work? ("move on", yeah I know, but I'm just curious). I'm hoping that she needs me out of the equation to figure herself out and work out her ex situation, is this possibly the case? Thanks in advance!


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yeah :/ it does sound like she got turned off by you constantly asking her for clarification. I know why you did it because you really like her and wanted to be with her but she couldn't give you clarification because she was still sad and still dealing with the situation with her ex. If you ever happen to be in this situation again and someone needs their space, just respect them and give them their space, so that they can deal with what they are going through. :) I know it's a sucky situation to be in but at least you can learn from this and know what not to do next time. :) Plus, you never know maybe in the future you two will reconnect, Im not making any promises of this but you never know things can happen.

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    • 3mo

      Yeah, I guess that is true. I only asked twice but I guess she really doesn't want to deal with anything regarding 'us' right now. I'll give her plenty time and space for now and just worry about myself. Thanks for the feedback!

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    • 3mo

      And no don't tell her happy birthday, it will only push her away since she told you she needs space. :)

    • 1mo

      Thank you for MHO. :)

Most Helpful Guy

  • Totally. The moment she said she wasn't ready and you decided to give her space, that was when you should have stopped contacting her. You might have had a chance had you done that, but you've basically annoyed what attraction she did have for you away.

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    • 3mo

      Yeah, its a shame I asked for clarification the second time around. I took it fine and tried not to show much emotional attachment so hopefully I can salvage something from this. But I'll move on for now.

What Girls Said 2

  • When someone says they need their space, or time to think, it's best to let them initiate or let them decide when they want to talk, becuase if you interfere, especially in the amount that you did, it might give the impression that you're pushy and impatient.

    However, If she truly liked you, there would be need of her waiting around and have you guessing what's going on or squirming for days for an answer. It's just not fair to you. You deserve to move on and find somebody that does have time for you.

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    • 3mo

      Regardless of whether or not she does, did, or doesn't like me anymore, she's been going through a lot in her life as of now and simply needs time to figure out herself. She explained to me that she had a horrible childhood of bullying and abuse, and her recent breakup (she was cheated on) sent her into deep depression and effected her self-esteem. I completely understand her need for space now, I just feel guilty that I may have 'pressured' her or ruined our potential chances of a future relationship. Yeah, I'll move on and just continue life as usual meeting other people and getting out as much as possible, just seems bad. Is there anyway to recover at all? I showed her I cared and now I'll give her complete space, but I can tell that some feelings linger with her as well.

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    • 3mo

      Wish her well in anything. It's awesome to want to show that you're thinking of her and care for her.

      What I was trying to explain is that don't halt your life just because someone else is not ready. Now, it's different if you have a gut feeling telling you that you should wait on her, but if not, and there's too much confusion, go ahead and move on.

      It really sucks that she's going through depression. It's nothing to laugh about and should be taken seriously. Hopefully, she's helping herself and getting some help for it.

    • 3mo

      Oh, absolutely not. I have a lot of work to get where I want to be for work and school so I'm definitely not delaying anything. And of course I'm keeping my option open to meet other people and just have fun, but I can't help move on completely. Part of me believes there is still a minuscule chance she'll realize that I was only confused and wasn't intentionally trying to pressure her. And because I showed her that I care without taking rejection too poorly, that may also help, but I'm not gonna hold onto anything. Time to move on.

  • Oh damn. Yes, you definitely blew it. You shouldn't ask her for clarifications and you shouldn't have pushed her.

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    • 3mo

      The clarification was only because of lack of communications sake. I thought it would be acceptable to ask for elaboration so I wouldn't be left guessing whether it was my issue or hers. And is asking to hangout really pushing it? I tried to keep it casual as possible and never seemed phased when she flaked or rejected. I just sorta moved on.

What Guys Said 2

  • Let her be. You killed it be pushing for clarification as to why she was rejecting you. She wasn't over her ex, she needed space, but you kept needing to know how she felt. She'll not forget how pushy you were - in fact that's probably how she sees you, "pushy", and also knows you want her which makes it hard to be friends with someone like that.
    Let it go dude. She needs to move on and seriously you aren't even in the friend zone. Don't pester her any more.

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    • 3mo

      So its done forever?

    • 3mo

      She told you that herself when she admitted she can't be friends. That didn't sound like an invitation to start dating again did it?
      Don't be one of those guys who stays with a girl they like hoping she'll change her mind about him. They never do, that only happens in the movies. You'll just end up used and hurt and confused and she'll move on once she finds a guy she's really interested in.

    • 3mo

      As of now, no. I figured it because we already agreed to be friends once, and since I continued to talk to her, she figures that accepting 'friendship' again will allow me to continue advancing our relationship. I think it was necessary to cut it off for now, she's been going through a lot and I don't want to interfere. I'll move on and worry about my own life and success for now.

  • Yes and no. You didn't necessarily blow your chance but the admission on her part should have been an indicator to you that she was not as interested as you thought she was.

    However, you definitely "grazed" any possible future chances by asking for clarification.

    Rather than asking for clarification, you should have already been talking to another girl.

    Cheers!

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    • 3mo

      I guess I made the mistake of carrying procedure from my profession into dating... The industry I'm in requires concrete direct communication without any discrepancies to ensure safety and accuracy and I guess it was a bit unfair to ask that of a girl I barely know when dating.

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