Girls, give me some good reasons not to settle (having one of those days)?


I told my crush how I felt and he ended up rejecting me. His family is large and very, very tight. Most of them like me but the few that don't (for reasons IDK) objected to us dating and he caved. I got along with all his family members and they've been warm and accepting to me all this time but I guess a few of them made it known to him in private they didn't agree to us becoming an item, even though he was very much into me. I suspect it's because we're not the same race but I don't have solid evidence of that.

He's a family-oriented kind of guy and I know their bond so I would never try to come between them in anyway or make him choose. But it really sucks and I'm still not over it. I fell for him hard, really hard. Like I was completely willing to make him happy for the rest of his life if his family agreed, but they didn't. I see them all the time and it's a constant reminder of what I can't have. Seeing them is unavoidable but I can't even bring myself to look in their direction. The younger kids still acknowledge me but the rest of them pretend not to see me and it's driving me crazy.

I feel like I'll never care about anyone as much as I did him and it's eating me up inside. Even had a few random flings to make it stop hurting but that wears off. So I put myself into the dating world. My requirements are low. I don't care about looks as long as there's attraction. I prefer a college education and that they're doing something with their life (same as me). That's basically it. But I'm constantly running into guys I'm not attracted to, boring, or who are doing absolutely nothing with their life or both. Nice they may be but their sitting on their asses or playing around with life and that's a turn off.

So should I lower my low standards to the bare-ass minimum and take what I can get even if it means being the primary provider in the relationship or keep holding out for someone better (who may not even exist) that I'll be happier with in the long run?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Never settle for anything less than what you deserve. You shouldn't have to lower your standards. Learn to be happy on your own without having to rely on someone to make you happy. The right man will come along.

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What Girls Said 11

  • Been there done that
    As horrible as what you're going through now, consider something MUCH worse = you get even more into him & "family", invest in kids, home, etc. sacrifice, support, family work and then he gets mad or goes nuts under pressure - not even you - and tells family how sad he is = YOU get KICKED OUT, stripped and branded the worst reputations invented, all to cover up his crazies or indiscretions!
    With SO many better matches out there that can send you to the moon, farther than this guy could - why force the issue? Tight knit families are turtles with no direction, a country club full of one type of person with unnecessary rules.

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  • You are feeling a little down due to the rejection. It sucks. We have all been there and it feels like there's no hope. But there truly is. Be yourself and don't settle. As time passes, many wonderful things will happen to you and many sad things will also happen. To many women who cannot afford to pay attention, only sad things happen. You have this luxury to be in love. That is a luxury. You can have the man you want. Sure, you wanted this kid and whose to say that he may not find himself motivated by losing you and then change his entire life just to be with you. You don't know. You are emotionally intelligent. You realize there are obstacles and you can feel sad now and take it and keep that strong bond with his family. If not, you can say you loved and then wait for love to hit you again.

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  • Never. Ever. Settle. Ever!

    Seriously... settling breeds resentment and contempt so you won't be happy then either. In fact, you'll be straight up miserable.

    Hold out for what you WANT. You don't need a man to complete you. Wait until you find that I've you're attracted to on all ends--otherwise it's not genuine and that just isn't fair to you or him.

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  • seriously dont waste time on misery and focus on not living to be with some guy. a great guy will come along when you dont look for him

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  • if it meant to be.. it'll meant to be
    if it's not, don't give up, you'll find someone that's belong to you

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  • Mr perfect doesn't exist so settle just might be reality or compromise

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  • If you get hooked up with somebody that you don't really like or respect you will be miserable. And stop calling guys, "crush." That's very adolescent and you are over 30. Time to act like a mature woman.

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    • 3mo

      Please tell me what the mature grown-up term is for calling a man I'm strongly attracted to and want to date?

  • Well of course you're going to run into people you're not attracted to. There are more of those than those we find attractive. But that doesn't mean you give up. Your right person is out there

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  • well that's nice

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  • Dont. Expect. A. Shitty. Relationship.
    Just don't. You will be miserable. Maybe even one of those housewives that drowns their kids in the bathtub and then commits suicide. You wanna be that lady?

    I thought my world was over when I broke up with my ex. I was so in love with him but he was a sweet poison in my life, making me miserable and depressed. For months I was miserable and cried everyday. I eventually was happy for like 2 weeks when I found our about his beautiful new girlfriend and fell apart again. I know this is a long personal story but it has a point.

    You have to completely let go of him. No matter what the reason is, he decided he didn't like you. Unplug from him and his family. Get a new hobby in your life so you don't see any part of him. Un friend him from social media and get off social media for awhile because all of those relationship goals and couple pictures make you miserable. It's hard but DO IT. Also eat lots of fruits and vegetables and workout. That elevates your mood.

    It might even take a year and it may feel like you will never get over him, but you will. Don't resort to some crappy relationship just to get your mind off him. It will be even worse. The best thing to do is rebuild yourself from shambles. Give yourself adequate time to become healthy physically and mentally. When you do that you will find someone new and wonderful. Trust me you will. 3 months ago I never believed I would find someone else bug I did and he is amazing.

    But for the love of God don't give up on yourself.

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  • You're listing a lot on your list, not low standards. You want a guy who you find attractive, interesting, who has a college degree and apparently wealth. That's all fine, but stop telling yourself that your standards are practically nothing and you can't even find that. It's defeatist.

    Saying, "I'm meeting ok guys, but I want a guy with qualities that match mine and I'm prepared to meet a lot of guys until I find him" is more positive than "I can't even find the bare minimum, so I'm giving up. Wah!"

    Use your self talk to be empowering & positive.

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    • 3mo

      "Attraction" and "Attractive" are not the same. My crush is average looking (probably unattractive to some based on his style alone) but I was still very much attracted to him. I have a job that requires a degree, I want a man with a job that requires a degree. I just don't care to date someone my age who is content flipping burgers for the rest of his life and crashing in his parents basement. That's too much to ask? On top of that I make more money than my crush. So I don't know where the "wealth" theory came from when I never mentioned it.

      That aside, sorry I'm whining but I'm still a bit hurt from my experience. Trying to stay positive isn't easy when I have to see them often. It's like getting a weekly sprinkle of salt on an open wound. I've been keeping my cool for a good while but my poor luck with dating just aggravates it and I get frustrated from time to time. I do get your point though. Thanks.

    • 3mo

      I think your standards are reasonable, but the way you're saying it is making you feel like a failure. Keep your head up! Positivity is worth more than gold. Good luck.

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