Dating a single father-need URGENT help pls?

Ok, I'm not going to tell so much detail but here's the thing. I've been dating this single dad for about 9 months now. He introduced me to his 12, almost 13 years old daughter a month after we started dating. He seemed to be a good guy, not a player type at all. But it always seems like he hide things from me and I've no clue what they could be. I looked him up on google last May and found some court stuff so I asked/confronted him who that person was. Apparently he was married twice but he said the second marriage was annulled for some strange and sad reason. His first wife cheated on him and got pregnant from another person while she was married to him...
Anyway, after I found out about his second marriage, I was upset and so sad and went and searched his apartment and found a garbage bag in his closet full of documents, naked pictures of his first wife, love notes and kisses from the last person he dated... I confronted him and he said he has got rid of everything... and he said he didn't tell me about his second marriage because it was annulled, didn't last even for a month and he's embarrassed and he said he thought I would stop seeing him... Well, I took his word for it and I'm still with him...
But tonight, I just found out he didn't get rid of some cards and notes he received when his child was born. I don't know where the heck he put them but I couldn't find any of the documents and pictures of his naked ex wife... he said he's keeping them because a couple of lawyers told him so they can use them as proof when going to court for custody and I understand... But I'm so upset that he keeps things that have to do with his ex wife. I understand if he wants to keep things of his daughter when she was born, I've no problem with that but why can't he may be let her have anything that have to do with his mother? Is it ok that I'm upset to see cards his ex wife and him made for the daughter, cards they received and have his and his ex wife's name on them?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • ... never force a man to trash or delete stuf from his past, it's his life.
    I wouldn't do it.

    Same way i don't care what you have about your past. Just archive it somewhere.

    Sometimes deleting the past is therapeutic, sometimes it's unnecessary,

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't see how any of this is your business. He's with you. He's not with his ex-wife. He's in the middle of court stuff so he's going to have items from his previous relationship around. It has nothing to do with you. The man is going through enough and if you knew anything about being caught up in lawsuits you'd know it's extremely stressful on your psyche and here you are making a big deal out of nothing. Why are you riffling through his stuff? You have no idea how much trust it takes to introduce yet another woman into his kids lives while having to fight their real mom for custody of them. You never know when legal things will come up in the future and it's only smart to keep items from his past available to plead his side if he had to.

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    • 3mo

      Trust me, I really do know and understand what it is like to deal with court. But the legal matter has been settled as of 2008. He said he's keeping them in case somethings comes up and he needs to go to the court to get custody. some of the naked pictures were brought to him by his daughter when she was 5,6 and it only shows how her mother isn't a responsible parent.. and I understand that and I have no problem.

    • 3mo

      I checked the bag only after I found out about his second marriage and I was so devastated but I trusted this man so much and he was acting as if he never would hide things from me or lie. He's a kind of guy that'd be so curious and angry if lets say some guy from one of my classes text me and ask about some school info. he's the kind of guy that says people shouldn't even have to talk, keep in touch or have anything about their ex specially when they're with someone else. I'm just so confused, that's all. I want to do something right for once in my life, i'm scared not to screw

What Guys Said 4

  • Does the child see her mum? He could be keeping stuff to show her when older, or if she does see her mum she will be telling her things about her dad and could lie to the child about him so he's keeping proof of what his side of the story is. Sounds like its been a tough time for him and full props for being a single dad. Nit often the child stays with the dad so the mother can't really be the type of person your guy would really want to still look at or be with. Just keep your eyes open but he can't be as bad as u may think after seeing this.

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    • 3mo

      Her mother have full custody and it was settled in 2008. He said he's keeping them in case something comes up and he needs to go to the court to get custody. some of the naked pictures were brought to him by his daughter when she was 5,6 and it only shows how her mother isn't a responsible parent and it can also be considered as child abuse. So he needs to keep evidences and proofs to support this as much as he can and I totally understand that. But I also wish he was honest with me. But why would he keep cards and pictures of the three of them or even gifts that have notes on them to him and his ex wife? My dad had an ex wife and he's married to my mom for almost 30 years and he didn't keep anything from his ex wife and he have a some with her because it's something in the past and he said that's where it belongs. He's been through a lot for custody but never kept any sentimental and reminders of his previous marriage. I'm not trying to compare him to my dad here but I'm so confused

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    • 3mo

      Tnx! At least I'm not just overthinking this... I'm not sure what to say about it, keeping it just to myself for now I guess

    • 3mo

      Yes see how things go for a while and good luck, sounds complicated but it may well all work out fine

  • this is extremely controlling in my opinion. i don't see how it's your business. really sounds like you're LOOKING for problems-you'll always find them with fear driving your relationship instead of love.

    jealousy instead of trust, etc.

    cards with her name on them? are you serious? do you realize how insecure that sounds? you don't sound like you're over whatever made you so untrusting... you don't sound ready for a relationship, much less to be judging him...

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    • 3mo

      he's a kind of person that wants to know who's texting me and who's calling. I've no problem with that and I don't hide a thing from him. And I try to understand him and pass things thinking he's very demanding and controlling in times probably because of his first marriage and how it ended...
      I also understand if he's different about his private matters but after I found out he was married twice and didn't cross his mind for 5,6 months into our relationship to tell me that and after the naked pictures of his ex wife he kept, I don't see why any woman won't be upset over that.

    • 3mo

      disclosing his past relationships... ya okay on marriages-you should have known. and bag in the closet suggests masturbation TO the exwife... but i still dont think what he jerks off to is your business.

      and actually i'd be MUCH MORE concerned with how controlling he is about YOUR phone, texts, etc... cheaters treat YOU like a cheater. so with his severe paranoia, assuming there's no cause (ie you don't act suspicious) he is either a cheater or way too damaged right now to be with you... either way, buku red flag if you ask me.

      a confident man is NOT worried about your texts, calls, etc... he doesn't fear that he could lose you so easy such that he needs to watch your phone like that. no offense, but this relationship sounds pretty fucked either way.

    • 3mo

      I've seen the garbage bag for months and not once have I bothered to look into it. I am not a kind of person that likes going after people's stuff. But finding out about his second marriage wasn't easy. It made me curious about the kinds of things he was hiding and being weird about..
      I am worried about his behavior and I even had to see a therapist about this and I was told his marriage experience might have influenced a lot of his behavior blah blah blah... but the thing is, I don't know if I just need to break up and move my own way or wait until his ready... Because what he says and does aren't the same and it's just leaving me confused and miserable... I've never been in any thing like this before and I'm just clueless as to what the right thing is to do here... and i agree, it's a very messed up situation i am in...
      tnx for your comments anyway

  • It's his past life. Just accept it.

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  • I can't tell who's more baggage, him or you...

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    • 3mo

      Well, it's not me obviously! I just don't understand why he'd have things about his exwife while dating another person. I've got rid of everything I've with my ex when things got serious with him. And it's not like I go after him and search into his stuff but he lied about this one picture he showed me on Saturday, he lied where he kept it.. i've seen it somewhere else before by accident and just because he's still keeping stuff from his wife and he knows I know where he keeps them, he lied... this is what's confusing me... he's been divorced for 10 years now and he says he's over her... but somethings confuse me a lot... It would have been easier if we were just dating to kill time or something but he's been planning a future for us and I don't understand why he lies about somethings and keep stuff from his past...

    • 3mo

      but... he's not you. who said you got the monopoly vote on how ex's and sentimental objects are handled? i despise my exwife, yet i still have some photos of her and videos of her... doesn't mean shit except that you're waaaay waaaay too untrusting to be in a relationship

    • 3mo

      Rooting through his closet and apartment (more than once even?), not understanding that he had a life before you, and other drama... You're full of baggage too, it would seem...

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