"Let's just be friends" is something I've grown to expect. What am I doing wrong?

So a little bit of background knowledge:
I'm a pretty sensitive guy, not sissy-like and not feminine, but somewhat in touch with my emotions. I'm the type of person that rarely ever finds someone i click with, but when i finally do, i have really strong feelings for them for a very long time.
For example; i once had a crush on a girl for 6 years before i asked her out, it lasted 3 days, we barely saw eachother during this time, her friends later let me down with the bad news. I know it's just a silly school thing but that was 6 years of my life. We're now really good friends though which is cool.
I would then go a few years before i met someone i clicked with again. But i'd like them for a long time, even for months after they reject me with the "i think we should just be friends" (which is devastating btw).
Again months would go by before i found someone i liked talking to again, and i would like them for a good 2 years before plucking up the courage to ask them out as more than just friends. "I can't even take you seriously right now, hahah" and then the "aw you're not joking? I like just being friends".
Finally there was a girl i recently started talking to (after 2 and a half years of not being interested in anyone) who i immediately clicked with. The conversation would just flow so well, she was the perfect mixture of sarcasm and openness, looked just great, had similar sense of humour etc. Within 2 weeks of knowing her i decided to ask if we could be official (we were basically there already, just minus the title) but she cut 'us' at the knees straight away. "What i need right now is a best friend, not a boyfriend". Needless to say she had a boyfriend in the coming weeks anyway.

I cared so much for each of these people, they are the only people i have really truly cared about, and i would have given everything i am to them, given the chance. I guess i just never get the chance.

So what am i doing wrong here?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You're not flirting with them from the start. Instead, you act friendly towards them and then you magically expect them to date you.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I suppose the biggest thing you are doing wrong is trying to function under a fairly picky mindset where you wait years to let a crush develop with certain girls only to find out that you aren't what they want. Don't let too much time pass before letting your intent be known.

    This is more of an 'in the grand scheme of things' answer, though.

    If you mean why are you failing with these specific women? That's a more complicated answer.

    Maybe they don't find you all that physically attractive. Maybe the fact that you are "in touch with your emotions" is a part of your personality that pushes these women away.

    I think sometimes when a guy clicks a little too well with a girl she prioritizes them in the 'friend category' due to the fact that she actually does want some male friends. This of course always blows because you were attempting to position yourself as more than that.

    Maybe you were manufacturing purely positive or even thought provoking processes in her mind, whereas she actually wants someone that can manufacture some positive and negative thoughts and feelings inside her so she's left wondering and a bit excited or even a bit frustrated and challenged.

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    • 2mo

      I guess that's true, 3 of the four are now some of the best friends i have. But i just don't see the point in pursuing someone until you know they're worth pursuing - hence the stupid amount of time i spend trying to get close to them.
      Girls are so backwards, why would anyone want to be treated or displayed with negativity? God damn.

    • 2mo

      You are attempting to apply logic to the emotional piles of illogic that is the female gender.

      Women just hate being put on a pedestal. It's this delicate balance of empathy and apathy. You give them the good stuff then take it away leaving them wanting more. Get them to chase after you for their next emotional hit.

      Playing a video game on the easiest setting with cheat codes on is boring. Playing a game with as high of a difficulty as you can stand is generally way more rewarding.

What Girls Said 0

The only opinion from girls was selected the Most Helpful Opinion!

What Guys Said 5

  • Everything happens for a reason bud. I would just look back at all those occasions and start to understand what these people may have said or done to point towards the 'lets be friends' situation.

    Maybe you're too nice man. Don't expect everyone to be like you. By the sounds of it you're a good person man. Probably better off without all these different people. You'll find someone.. and if that person fails. There will be someone else. Focus on you and don't expect the next person to want the same things.

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  • You should make your romantic intent clear early on. At least a bit if flirting. Otherwise, girls wouldn't consider you as anything more than a friend.

    Also, when someone 'friendzones' you, quit being their friend. Never accept friendship as a 'consolation prize'. Girls actually find this 'I don't give a shit' kind of attitude attractive.

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    • 2mo

      I thought i was making myself pretty clear. More so with the last one anyway. I kind of walked into that one with an "i don't give a shit" attitude (because i didn't think anything would come of it) and ended up kissing her on our first hang out, and talking for about 5 hours.
      I just feel i'm sacrificing how much i'm actually going to care about this person For their affection in return, which is just counterproductive as i don't want to just 'not care'
      If that makes any sense?

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    • 2mo

      Aw ooh hmmm yup. Mmhm. Yeah okay i get that. That's a fair point. I'm obviously terrible at this whole 'girls' thing. Thank you for your input man.

    • 2mo

      No problems!

      I'm. pretty terrible at this myself, so I don't even bother befriending or asking girls out. You're doing much better than me, you try at least.

  • I've never had an eye on any girl until this year. She saved me from depression and became the star of my life. Early on I fell madly in love with her. I told her that I loved her and she went quiet for a bit and told me she loved me too. She's a little foolish that way, it's a quality that I adore actually. Anyways, she didn't actually love me and felt extremely guilty about it. We're best friends now, though it absolutely kills me at night when I dream about her. How much worse is it to have someone who loves hanging around you for hours at a time, not actually love you?
    In the grand scheme of things, you're still young. Make your intent clear, and if things don't work out try again. Meanwhile, try to perfect yourself. Head to the gym, read books, study, socialize, make your presence known. You'll find that girls will come to you instead of the other way around. Even if it plays out like my situation, at least you'll meet some great people.

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  • " Within 2 weeks of knowing her i decided to ask if we could be official (we were basically there already, just minus the title)"

    I just need to know what "basically there already" looks like to you. Because if you're not already at the bare minimum making out regularly and seriously getting to know eachother on a deep level, asking her to be your girlfriend is too soon at 2 weeks. Sounds to me like you've gone from waiting way too long to make a move, to prematurely making a move when there was really no connection to begin with.

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    • 2mo

      Well 'basically there already' was us talking regularly, sharing everything with eachother including a lot of dark experiences from the past, it included lying awake all night just cuddling, talking and admiring eachother. It included emotional breakdowns and consolation. It included spending what little spare time we had with eachother. Her family was really cool and we all got on great.
      We were basically together

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    • 2mo

      Lol you're making stuff up now. You never said that, until I brought it up.

    • 2mo

      You're right, i didn't think of it earlier because i was focussing on the part where you said "seriously getting to know eachother on a deeper level"

      Now you're backing up defensively by accusing me of lying just because you gave irrelevant advice. But yeah i guess i should've put it in my original reply

  • I'll tell you what's wrong. You are the male version of this:
    2.media.collegehumor.cvcdn.com/.../...our-soul.gif

    Do you know how much pressure you're putting on a girl when you make her the one right off the bat before she's demonstrated why she's worth it? Like, seriously. If she doesn't have to work for your love, then why would she appreciate it?

    Stop watching romcoms, stop asking women for dating advice. Go seek out a real player, and beg him to take you under his wings. Literally fall on your knees and beg.

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    • 2mo

      I don't want to be a player at all, it's all a pointless game if it doesn't mean anything. It still means something to me

    • 2mo

      If you have a gun, does that mean you want to be a murderer? If you have a knife, does that mean you want to stab people?

      Just because you learn the skills of a player, does that mean you have to play women?

    • 2mo

      Aw fair enough. Have it in your arsenal huh. Thanks man (:

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