What am I doing wrong as guys won't even give me a second look or chance?

I'm a 25 year old single female that has never had a boyfriend and I'm starting to lose faith I will ever get married one day and find the right person. At first when people meet me they say I'm a nice shy girl, being shy is how I am at first then once people get to know me I'm very fun, outgoing, honest and loyal person.

I've been through hell and back with my mental illnesses I have anxiety and depression, I've been hospitalised once for it but not many people know about. I have a psychologist I see and she is really good, it's good being able to open up to someone who doesn't judge you, as I am an only child and don't have anyone to share my feelings with at home. The reason I might be feeling like this and really lonely for the past few years might be because of my mental health, I'm not too sure.

I just want to find a guy that will treat me right amd love me becasue I deserve to find happiness and love after all that I've been through. It might make my life abit easier. I never get approached by men like I used to when I was a teenager, becasue I think a lot of them are in relationships or enjoy being single. I've been rejected a lot by a lot of guys my age and abit older they say I'm hot but then they will stop talking to me all of a sudden and not tell me why.

The longest I've been close with a guy has been 5 years but that was casual/sex hookup no relationship ever came out of that even though he knew I was interested 😢 I've tried online dating and that even doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I think I'm just unlucky in love. I'm always getting rejected by guys.

I'm not the prettiest or the ugliest girl I think I'm average, yet some guys even used to make fun of me when I was younger that I have a big nose, maybe that's that deal breaker haha. Any suggestions?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well your approach about this situation is all wrong. Its not about you finding love or happiness. You have to already have these things in you to do. If you don't have love for yourself and love to share and give, than you can't love them back in return unconditionally and conditionally when it warrants it. And if you don't already have happiness in your life, nobody will want to be involved with a person who's already miserable. Because that will hinder their life from moving and functioning.

    The problem has nothing to do with your looks if your even able to have casual sex with a guy for even one hookup. So that's out the window. Your nice at heart, but your shyness isn't even an issue. Its how your approaching your situation. Your not confident, you don't even have it. And I bet you don't even know what your seeking or looking for in a mate. At the same time you want to get married, but how many guys even want marriage, let alone want to marry YOU. Then you don't even know what you need in a man other than somebody who can love you. Love is not enough to survive on, especially in a marriage. I'm telling you now, marriage is difficult and hard. You cannot last on love alone. You need other factors to accomplish your goals.

    Plus other than your looks, your mental state at the moment and your personality, I'm sorry to say this, but you don't sound like you have much to offer yourself that sounds exciting and peaks a man's interest for them to at least go on one date with you.

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    • 2mo

      What this girl said... times 10.

      Thank you @btbc92

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    • 2mo

      @Asker That's good that you have a great support system. That is also key in helping you find a perspective mate. I'm about to be 25 myself and I never been out on a date once. I have my reasons for it, and its the fact that I don't like modern dating and how people view marriage. Plus other peoples views, values and beliefs don't align with mine. And I get the same response as you. But while you may have a chance, mine isn't a look or physical issue. Mine is the fact that I'm too weird, too awkward, strange and how I'm born in the wrong Century. That, and because I know their only interested in me because of my looks, not for the real me or to even get to know me, unless of course its for sex. And I'm not with that. I have great self esteem, and is very confident in myself.

      But again, gain the confidence, beat your depression and figure out what you need in a man before you even attempt to put yourself out there in the dating scene. Or you'll end up with weeds and a dead end.

    • 2mo

      @10dsw Thank you for the mention. :)

What Guys Said 17

  • Hey,

    The first thing I would say is unfortunately the universe owes no one anything. You have to make things happen including your own happiness. Seek things that make you happy just for doing them. I've struggled myself with anxiety and depression and I found my way out is to play music. Seek means of fulfillment that don't involve others and you will stop needing others to full fill you. Once you find this place inside where you are calm, where you no longer seek solutions to problems that haven't happened yet, you will throw off a new shade to people.

    Everyone goes through life seeking a true companion tailor made for them. It's like winning the lottery for this to happen. It does happen to some people, but it's better to work at something then hold out hope for the big win. Just be open, don't discount people and don't be afraid to put yourself out there first. You would be surprised how often people will be receptive. Talk to everyone you can. Everyone has the potential of being if not a lover, a great friend to you.

    Online dating sucks and no one is good at it. It's literally a peacock show and the brightest win. Join social groups. Get the app meetup for your phone and go meet real people with similar interests. Text isn't talking and once you get in the swing of things it will all happen naturally.

    Unfortunately as it turns out most men around your age (me being 26) no longer want to date anymore. It hadn't worked out well for us in the past and just find it easier to not. Most women now, especially in larger cities, like in Chicago where I live for a few years, want to be just as casual. Men our age no longer want to date because of the bad taste left in our mouth over the one we did invest in.

    But. I am just some anonymous stranger on the internet. I can only tell you what I see can help. Keep working on yourself and the rest will come. Confidence and success attracts all kinds of attention, be the best you you can be and everything will fallow.

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  • This is where you're going wrong. "I'm very fun, outgoing, honest and loyal person." It ain't about all that shit. That doesn't mean anything.

    I don't think so. It probably doesn't help. You're feeling lonely, because you're lonely. Because you are lacking a basic human need. Before you think anything is a result of mental illness, always check if your needs are fulfilled. http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow-pyramid.jpg

    Lol. If you think relationships make your life easier, you got the wrong idea. Maybe in the beginning, yes, but they come with a lot of bullshit, themselves. My life is hella simpler without a relationship. But, if you haven't experienced it, then it's probably worth experiencing.

    If you are of average attractiveness, then you should have no problems attracting men. Switch up your style a few times, and see if that changes anything. Last resort, you're going to have to take the initiative and when you see a guy you might be interested in, then just go ask for his number. You'll have to get over that shyness.

    Lastly, you might have to check your standards. Try dropping them a bit, and giving a guy you wouldn't normally date a chance.

    And you can't both be shy and outgoing. It's either/or. You might have to get over that shyness. Just ignore it and focus on conversing.

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    • 2mo

      You're right. I can't blame it on my mental illness, it's hard living alone. I would love to experience being in my relationship in my 20s but I hope my mental illness isn't stopping that. I've always had low standards in men that are either drug users or verbally abusive to me. I think I should have higher expectations rather then lower them. Sometimes I do take the initiative and we hit it off but after the second time I see them I never hear from them again but that might be low standards going for a jerk. Longest fling I've had to date is 5 years, where I was just a booty call to him and used to lie to me saying he was "going to take me out on a date" and that he loved me 😔 I still have feelings for him to this say even though he walked out on me when I wouldn't have sex with him. It's seriously NOT fair!!! What did I do to deserve this?

    • 2mo

      Well, one caveat I would offer. Don't get trapped into justifying your behavior, because that's "just how you are," or "I have a mental illness, so... I can't do anything about it" Personally, I really think many mental illnesses are overdiagnosed or just fake for profit. But, either way, even if you think you have handicaps, then overcome them. Don't make justifications for behavior you know you should be trying to change. /experience

      Well, yeah. If that's the case, you prolly should raise your standards.

      I'd say make the guy 'declare' his intentions at the start--just ask him what he wants this to be--if you got in a relationship like that again, if you don't want to repeat the same thing. If he lies, well, at least you had a chance to tell.

      I really hate that phrase. What did all those 5 year olds with cancer in St. Jude do to deserve it? You get what you get and sometimes it's Hell. For the only one reason: chance.

      G'luck.

  • I don't know your personal life, so I can only make suggestions of which you might already be doing. Use this period to become more independent and self-sustaining. With a bit of personal success, you will feel better about the things you will be able to contribute in any type of relationship. Whether this means more schooling/training or changing venues, only you can decide. There are probably some interest groups that you would feel comfortable being active with, such churches, clubs, forums, and etc. Sounds like you have some background that could benefit others in the right settings. Life is too precious to be wasted, so anything worth having usually takes a lot of effort and determination, some times more than we think we have to give. Now is the beginning of the rest of your life and you are the driver.

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  • APPLAUSE! You have been dealt a shitty backhand by life, but you are fighting back GOOD! Getting yourself mentally & psychologically back to what is in your life normal is the start. Don't keep getting backhanded by life 'thinking' that you deserve to be happy, BE the happiness you wish to have, love yourself the way you want to be loved. Don't pin love & happiness on a guy you may be left heartbroken on top of all that you have gone through you don't need added bullshit! I mean c'mon no one fucking does! If you go out & surround yourself with the people who want to share in your happiness (those who are worth it), join a few clubs, learn a language, take a course at the YMCA that it completely unlike you, study about another culture and then visit that country, explore music other than what you usually listen to, hit the gym, get that blood pumping I know there's pent up aggression in you I sensed it in your words, write a journal/poem then read it out at a open mic night, hire a life/dating coach. You understand the trend here GET OUT THERE! When you are out there doing all the things YOU love someone will notice you in all your glory. When it does happen use your head not heart in judging them by their character and not the sweet poisoned words. So fucking what you were dealt a shitty backhand from life, counter attack and bitch slap life back then proceed to knock the shit out the mothafucka'!

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  • You say with your own words that you deserve to be loved. Stick to that opinion very firmly. Don't worry about a thing , cause every little thing gonna be alright. Don't give up. If you give up your not worthy. And if you are not worthy , you don't deserve to be loved. You never know how strong you are , until being strong is the only choice you have. Constantly look out for new opportunities. One day you will succeed.

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  • I think your confidence is low love, i really feel for you since i have had a lot of problems with myself and my own self awareness, i think you just need to stop looking an try to enjoy yourself, pick up a hobby, or start a morning run or walk, maybe you need a gurls night to change things up, just have some fun, an get your head outta the clouds of a future relationship

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  • Aww... you sound like the female version of me. It took me forever to find the girl I love; I'd actually given up. Unfortunately for me, she also had depression and is suffering a bout of it now, and hasn't talked to me in a week. It's something I've learned to live with. I make sacrifices for her I wouldn't make for anyone else. You'll find your special someone, just never give up hope. You're only a year older than she is, and it took me this long to find her (actually, she found me). So I think you'll be fine!

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  • I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through.

    I'll give you the cold hard truth: what you are doing wrong is talking about your mental illnesses. Guys (including myself) run as fast as we possibly can from girls with mental illnesses. A long term relationship is exactly that: a long term relationship. Girls with psychological problems are not long term relationship material. They are too unstable. For the guys who are looking to settle down, they are looking to settle down with stable women who provide.

    "but then they will stop talking to me all of a sudden and not tell me why." Because they don't want to hurt your feelings about rejecting you for your psychological queries.

    Does this seem cold and heartless? Absolutely. But it's a reality of the dating world. I admit it's harsh and I certainly sympathize with those that struggle with mental issues.

    So what can you do?

    Continue your treatment as prescribed by your physician but also consider a change of personality. Don't talk about psychological problems early on. Show your potential suitors that you are independent and capable of providing. When you do discuss your psychological issues eventually, show your potential suitor that you are working on managing your symptoms instead of trying to force such a guy to accept you.

    I hate to be harsh. I hope this helps.

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    • 2mo

      Are you fucking kidding me? No wonder why I don't have a boyfriend when some guys like yourself have this delusional view that woman with psychological problems are not long term relationship material. Your view is the most outrageous thing I have ever heard. Firstly I am VERY stable, secondly I have never discussed with any guy who I've been involved with that I have a mental illness or that I've been hospitalised or taking medication for that matter. It's unfair you're stigmatizing people with mental illness as "not worthy enough of being in a relationship" as your option is incorrect. Do some research and you'll see people who have bipolar, schizophrenia, depression and all sorts of other mental illnesses can have relationships and even go on to have a families. You're very narrow minded person, and if guys as you say really think like this, then the problem is not me it's them. Your view of thinking is so out of touch with the times, a lot has changed since 50 years ago!!!

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    • 2mo

      I beg to differ. Your nothing mate. Bye.

    • 2mo

      Okay?

  • Just first you have to feel confident what you feel is what you show its really attractive it means back straight chin up a bit not to Mutch you might get a hernia 😂
    And walk with confidence shake those hips when you walk dress sexy not slutty big difference
    And speak your opinion don't filter it to Mutch otherwise you will come across boring I've dated a girl who was in kind of the same situation it was a really attractive redhead 😜
    Butt she was so shy it annoys me
    Where are you from?

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  • What do you have to offer? You've listed what might easily be seen as some of your liabilities. What do you have that makes you attractive as a potential mate? Looks? Sense of humor? Fun personality? A good job? Financial independence? A rich Dad?

    A woman should have more to offer than boobs and a vagina. You probably wouldn't want a guy who had nothing going on and lived in Mom's basement.

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  • Guys tend not to want crazy girls with a mental history, especially with ongoing issues. Other than that shy doesn't work that well. If you don't ask them out odds are you won't get asked either, especially if you are not that attractive for whatever reason (dunno since you don't have a pic). Other than that find other hobbies instead of dwelling on love-hunting, you will be less miserable. What I did and that has worked for 11 years now.

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  • Welcome to my world but at least be thankful that you've had some casual/sexual fun at the very least. You sound just like me.

    www.girlsaskguys.com/.../q2122510-what-is-wrong-with-me-why-does-nobody-want-me

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  • try being a guy it sucks women only have to have looks men have to have stable jobs or status.

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  • It's more unusual for a girl to be single this long then it is for a guy because girls don't have to be the initiator

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  • Lets meet, im 25 too
    But im serious guy which looks for serious relationship, not sex:))

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  • Do you have a picture

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  • Yes someone older that 20 is saying this.
    Keep the faith it takes time to hunt for your guy but you will find one. Make sure that they know that you want a relationship and that they won't get any until the honeymoon. That usually drives most of the bad guys away who just want into your pants.

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What Girls Said 2

  • Just hang in there and put the word out that you're available. 25yrs is still young...

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  • First do you have an idea of what you'd like in a guy. Do you want him to be funny? What similarities would you like to have with him? Think about that first.

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