Did I really ruin his birthday and us in the process?

When I can I pay for movie tickets or pick up things that I know he likes or wouldn't think of. When he travels for work I always talk to him on his long drives so he doesn't feel isolated. In two years we have gotten to know each other really well. We've had only two fights, stopped talking and then picked up where we left off. He had a bday. I took him out and paid for dinner like I said. He paid for parking even though I said I got it and he said it was okay. Before we went to dinner where I made reservations at a four star restaurant. He wanted to stop for drinks. He paid. We went out on his actual bday after I found out we would be able to spend time together. He paid for drinks and dinner. Which as I found out after he stopped talking to me pissed him off. This is my first time planning someone's birthday & I did what I though I did correctly. He said he shouldn't had to have paid for anything & I should know that. He said he told his friends and they opened his eyes that I thought he was a "chump". He told me everyone knows that's not what you do and I should've toasted him on his actual birthday and not on the day I took him to dinner. I did give him a give the day we went to dinner and a gift on his actual birthday. I've never I asked him for anything and when we go out I always make sure we use my car so that I'm at least contributing. Stop talking to me for six days and yesterday told me all of this. I think his ego was hurt but is this something that's recoverable or is this a dealbreaker? When is a fight the end of a relationship?

Updates:
2mo For an update. I think mentally he's done. Maybe it's a man thing and his pride is wounded. Instead of voicing that he wasn't "wowed" by his first birthday it seems like he's harbored resentment through the year and set me up my seeing what I would do. Passive aggressive and I never saw it coming. Less than satisfactory ending. Even if he calls, I'm not sure I would speak with him. This was a huge miscommunication which he has already determined I'm in the wrong.
2mo I feel blindsided because I've never seen this side of him. As if he's been keeping score and letting myself do myself in over the past year. After his birthday he quit talking to me for six days. Finally spoke which is how I found out & now he's been silent for 2 days. He felt I was always planning a next get together. I thought I was trying to make an effort to make time for him/us because we're both busy. He felt I was trying to get him to go out more. I always tell him I him as a person.
1mo Silence rings loud. I guess it wasn't recoverable. Thank you all for your advice. It has helped me to stand firm in not trying to fix this if he is unable to discuss his concerns like an adult.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • He's insane!!

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    • 2mo

      Really? You don't think I should've paid for everything on both days? He said his birthday should've been the one day that was all about him and he should've never had to open his wallet. I only took him to dinner and paid for it 4 days before his birthday. I know when we go out he usually does pre dinner drinks, dinner and after dinner drinks. I spent a little more on the restaurant and also made sure I had a gift for him. We used my car so I paid for gas and parking at the first stop because it was metered parking. I've never done a birthday for someone as this is the first person that has been special enough for me to feel comfortable to trying to do something for them and I got burned because it apparently wasn't enough. As if all the things I do during the year aren't enough. The just because gifts, taking care of loose ends, helping him through his rough traveling work schedule, staying on the phone with him. I gave him my time and apparently I didn't spend enough on his bday.

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    • 1mo

      Since you were expecting that, was it something specific that I wrote? So know what to look out for next time. If there is a next time with someone else. This is all shocking. My ability to trust is decimated. I just want to focus on my career and put the past 2 years behind me.

    • 1mo

      Everything you wrote about him going quiet when you guys had arguments and not speaking or initiating contact for several days in a row tipped me off as to the kind of person he is. That's not how normal adult humans have mature disagreements. So in the future, look at how your partner reacts to arguments/fights/disagreements. Going radio silent is not the way.

      Second, just seeing what he got angry at. The whole thing about paying for his birthday and all that nonsense. Again, stuff that some people may be mildly annoyed at, but he acted like his world was crashing down. And again refused to talk to you because of it. There are some things that are worth caring about, paying on a birthday is not one of them.

      It's incredibly sad it had to end this way. I want you to know there are well-adjusted males out there who can handle mature relationships and give you the respect you deserve. This guy is not one of them, and it's too bad you wasted so much time on him.

What Guys Said 2

  • He is a baby not a man. I have never heard of such a thing and he needs to grow up. From what I read, you did nothing wrong.

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    • 2mo

      Oh wow. Thank you for your response. Usually he's a gentleman getting the car and restaurant doors, picking up the check, planning dates and carriage rides. We have solid conversations and a good connection. He feels that since he paid for dinner and drinks on his birthday and on the day we went out that I treated him to dinner he paid for drinks and parking that he was wronged because he laid out cash. He told me I should've slapped his hand away from paying. I am not planning to contact him. He said his piece and I was going to let it ride. If he reaches out good if not, I'm not going to chase him down. I apologize that he was/felt offended but I didn't maliciously do that to him. He also thought I was "networking" with the bartender when all of the attention should've been on him. I wasn't flirting that bartender was gay.

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    • 1mo

      By chance I stopped by the bar/restaurant we went to where the bday blowout began. The waiter looked shocked and told me that no one on their staff made reference to the fact my guy paid for his meal on his actual bday. My guy lied. If he lied about that he may have lied about telling his friends. The bartender also floated the idea that my guy may be gay. If so I had no idea. The gay bartender apologized in case he outed him. Stunned. It was a nice visit as they remembered us but they too were appalled by his behavior. I feel so gutted as I would never had done that to him and I've always made "us" a priority. by the way, he's still not speaking to me.

    • 1mo

      I'm so sorry. I wish I had something to say that would help.

      There are good men out there, you will find one.

  • Recoverable, just make it up to him and now you learned something about him. I don't think the relationship will end because of that.

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    • 2mo

      Thank you for your response. Birthdays are not a major deal in my family. But I did what I thought best and treated him to dinner before his birthday. He did tell me that his last two birthdays that I was apart of were his worst. Yet on the day of the dinner I treated him to he told me I made his day amazing and he appreciated it and then he asked me out the next day. I don't know. I honestly didn't see it coming.

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    • 2mo

      Yes, I get my "attempt" didn't live up to his expectation but I didn't expect him to go off like that. It's not as if I took him to Chuck E Cheese. Making it up to him will be hard as he is not talking still. I'm continuing on with my life and if he bounces back he can reach out to me if necessary. I've apologized for "hurting" him but I don't grovel. He refused to answer my calls last week when I was seeing if he was alive. I'm not chasing him down. He can calm down and touch base or don't contact me again. It's not as if a crime was committed. The fact he can think that his money was a factor is ludacris as he only told me about his "money" after about a year. Plus he now has "amnesia" as to all the things that I've purchased or done for him or us.

    • 1mo

      By chance I stopped by the bar/restaurant we went to where the bday blowout began. The waiter looked shocked and told me that no one on their staff made reference to the fact my guy paid for his meal on his actual bday. My guy lied. If he lied about that he may have lied about telling his friends. The bartender also floated the idea that my guy may be gay. If so I had no idea. The gay bartender apologized in case he outed him. Stunned. It was a nice visit as they remembered us but they too were appalled by his behavior. I feel so gutted as I would never had done that to him and I've always made "us" a priority. by the way, he's still not speaking to me.

What Girls Said 2

  • You took him out after ( the day after) his birthday to a dinner. That's the dinner you paid for. But before that y'all when out and he paid for drink and dinner ( on his birthday), and now he's mad at you for not paying for the dinner on his birthday...
    How old is he? 9?
    I understand wanting to feel special but that's taking it to a whole new level. It sounds ungrateful to me. He was very unappreciative of the thought and effort you put into making him feel special. He should have told his friends as much. Instead he is allowing his friends to belittle you and your effort. What kind of man is that? I wouldn't normally something as small as this is a male or break comment but he seems immature so I wouldn't know. Talk to him, ask him did he really think that little of your effort. Ask him what did he really need to make him feel special. Don't try and push the blame but communicate with him like an adult and hopefully he acts like an adult he is.

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    • 2mo

      Thank you for your response. I wasn't sure as this was my first time doing something like this. When I took him to dinner he told me thanks and he appreciated it so much. Even after we went out he asked me out the next day. I don't know what happened but I was mortified he told his friends. Plus he's old enough to know better and he knows even though I am a college graduate I make less than him. I'm thInking let him cool off, if he contacts me I decide if I speak with him. I made a mistake but I didn't murder, cheat or treat him horribly the past two years. Isn't this a part of learning about someone?

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    • 1mo

      Wow... there are moments when I don't even care but the other ones I wonder what happened that caused his victrolic attack. I thought there was good. He seemed to be having fun, I thought it was worth the efforts. It seemed to me as we were moving forward, making plans, acting on the plans and what seemingly seemed like a genuine appreciation of being together. A break is probably what is needed though I never would've prescribed it. I have not spoken to him. Usually, I would've tried to fix our fix, to show him it was a small hiccup. This time it's harder for me to want to fix it as it seems like what I did wasn't enough and that he didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt that maybe I didn't know what else expected from me. The reality is I thought he was the one. He seemed to be comfortable enough in us being is. Neither one of us wanted kids. We were individuals who seemed to be making space for each other.

    • 1mo

      This time, I'm lacking the energy to chase him as you call it. I know my efforts. His words don't matchup to what he's done and said to me. Maybe l was a guise? Maybe he was using me as a cover. It didn't feel like a cover but maybe if the bartender thought he was gay maybe that's what he's been fighting this entire time. I had moments where something felt off but I took it as no one will perfectly match your vision. In this day in ages people are so fluid. He would sometimes talk begrudgingly about gay men while saying he believed people should love who they want to love. He wasn't American therefore the general American man stereotype didn't apply to him. He was masculine and seemed to eschew the non-traditional male. I did have a few moments where something felt off but I had nothing to weigh it against. I guess I am stunned that he could erase me so easily. Breakups are fine but this was a sneak attack and after 2 years, I can't believe we didn't mean anything to break up better.

  • Sounds like an entitled little boy. If he didn't want to spend his own money, he shouldn't have took you to all these places that you didn't plan to take him. That's his problem. Next time, stick the plan, and when you offer to pay, he should let you.

    It's recoverable, but I don't really see how you were wrong.

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    • 2mo

      On one hand I hope it's recoverable. On the other if this is his MO than maybe I'll just cease contact. It's embarrassing that he told his friends when I tried my best. He may do somethings that I may not appreciate but I always weigh it against the good in him and recogniZe a mistake. I'm going to not contact him and of he reaches out then I'll go from there. Thanks again!

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    • 1mo

      I say count your blessings. Someone who is going to get that upset over something like that isn't worth your time. I took a guy out on his birthday before and paid for dinner, but we went several other places that he paid for and he didn't care. He sounds spoiled and I think he was mad that you didn't spend extra money on him. I don't know, he sounds like a tool to me.

    • 1mo

      Thank you. So. I greatly appreciate & have taken comfort in your responses. I am still blindsided but focused on moving forward. Not a wordhas been spoken between us so I'm guessing the past 2 years have been a lie. In this moment I can only hope that it will not hurt in a month and be an afterthought in a year. I cannot even think about a relationship as I tend to like to get to know a person first. He & I were able to form a friendship first. Silence speaks volumes. I've never had a breakup like this.

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