Losing confidence in dating and myself, am I doing something wrong?

I broke up with my ex of seven years earlier this year (we'd grown apart). After a month or so, I felt ready to date again but the whole scene was.. and still is completely foreign to me. It started off feeling like a job interview, but I slowly got more used to it and enjoyed meeting new guys.

Dating Failure no. 1: So first off I dated a guy for a month who disappeared on me, only to resurface 2 weeks later apologizing profusely that his training for a marathon had taken up his time. Me being a forgiving idiot, even though I'd told his actions hurt me, gave him another chance. We dated for 2 more weeks before he ghosted on me again. I never heard from him.

Dating failure no 2: I dated this guy for 3 months. I supported him through some rough patches with his family and was so much better than the previous guy. I really, really liked him despite some flaws but we got on amazingly. I said we needed a bit of space after he plunged into deep depression and changed meds and he said dating wasn't a priority for him. It was my call, but I still have feelings for him but I know he's not right for me, no matter how much I tell myself. He still contacts me regularly now, which makes it harder for me to let go but I said I'd be there for him :(

Dating failure (or not) No. 3: met a guy through friends who'd been in a similar position to me earlier this year. He asked me out, and I've changed a different tact with this guy: I've let him initiate everything because I feel in the past I've invested more and I've always gotten hurt. We've been on 6 dates and we haven't even kissed yet. We have good conversation, but its not deep and I have a feeling he's being really cautious or he's losing interest. I'm still trying to figure out this guy. Plus he goes days without texting me, yet still wants to see me in a romantic capacity.

Nevertheless, am I doing something wrong here? I'm not unattractive, have a good job and good friends.


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What Guys Said 1

  • I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Just a little bad luck mixed with some bad decision making. Forgiving guy #1? Bad idea. Still talking to guy #2? Bad idea. Holding out for guy #3? Bad idea. You need to be a little more firm in the way you conduct your dating life. It's OK to kick guys to the curb if they aren't gonna work out.

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    • 1mo

      Thanks for the feedback and I couldn't agree more. I don't think things are going that badly with guy 3, he's not a massive texter but things are going slower than what I'm used too but he always wants to make time for me. Confusing right.

    • 1mo

      I understand. I like things to move faster too, and when women don't want to do that then I drop kick them to the curve and find someone who can keep up. We're not getting any younger.

    • 1mo

      We're not getting any younger, no. There's the whole fear attached to both genders of coming across as "clingy" or "desperate" ... (I think i've probably fallen into the first category slightly in the past) that stops people from communicating exactly what they want so they either come across as not interested or very needy.

What Girls Said 1

  • Guy 1, douche just forget about him! It's pretty messed up that he ghosted like that. Guy 2, be there for him through this rough patch since you still really like him, but let him know that you'll be ready to date once he gets better. When people are depressed the best help that you can be for them is being at the sidelines. Being there to support them but not actually stepping in and doing too much. That seems like it would do nothing but it's what works the best. Keep reminding him that you're there to support him, but you have to let him heal himself. Depression is all mental, so the only real way to get over it is for the person to be left alone for a while to heal themselves. It can take a long time, but since you still care deeply for him I say wait it out with him! It'll mean a lot to him to know that you're there for him when he needs you. Guy 3 honestly doesn't seem terribly interested in you... He probably likes you as a person and friend but just not enough to date, you know what I mean? My advice is that if you really think that guy 2 is the one, wait it out and be there for him. Text him someonething like "hey, I know that you're going through some really tough times right now, but I just want to make it clear to you that ik here for you when you need me to vent or anything! I care deeply about you and want you to get better soon. Take the time to heal yourself, it'll take awhile but I'll be here to support you on this tough journey!"

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    • 1mo

      Thanks for the advice. Guy 2 knows of this already :) we met up and talked everything out , plus he's always had depression but goes through bad phases with it. Its been a challenge for me to get used to, and felt neglected as it was always me initiating affection even though I knew it wasn't his fault. He's at a very bad phase right now, which is why I suggested we take a breather until he feels "somewhat" better and gets settled to his new medication, then I said perhaps we could continue. I know he will always have depression, but if he feels a lot better than he does now, then I can see myself with him but only if he feels the same!

    • 1mo

      Yeah no problem! I'm happy to help! :) yeah that's what depression will do, it has weird phases. I have that type of depression too! Yeah that sounds like a really good plan! To give him time to adapt and adjust to his new meds. Honestly, if you keep showing your support and being there for him, if he's any ounce of smart at all, he'll realize that you're extremely valuable to him and he won't ever want to lose you! He probably doesn't initiate many conversations because that's just part of being depressed... You pull away from the people who care about you for a while. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you! He probably loves that you initiate! It shows support and that you're there for him! :) don't message too often or it might overwhelm him a little bit, but every now and then to show that you're there and care about him. It's also really hard to show your true emotions or much emotion at all when you're depressed like that. For example.. This is really tough for me

    • 1mo

      To admit and talk about, but, in really bad phases of my depression I'll lash out on everything. I get angry and upset at the world. I have a pet bird that I'll find myself abusing. It's terrible and he doesn't deserve it at all! And I know that I'm being terrible but it's almost like I can't really help it... It's just a lash of emotion because I'm bottling it all up... But yeah! Anyways, he's just bottling a lot up right now and sifting through the smallest details on his life. He will realize what's important to him and what's not. Just show your support for him and be there :)

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