Is there a way to force attraction and feelings?

I rarely fall in love. It has only ever happened once. I've dated many guys but I feel nothing for them. I don't even enjoy being with them. I really want to find someone to settle down with and share my life with. But I never find someone. No matter if I don't look at all or if I'm really making an effort to look and date. It doesn't make any difference, the result is the same - I don't find someone I like.

I've tried online dating on and off for years and I've studied at different schools and taken different classes. But it's not working. I don't have any friends of friends that I haven't met. I don't know what else I can do. Is there a way to force falling in love? Force attraction when there is none, not even after knowing them for long? I don't want to be single anymore, I really don't. If anyone have any advice please share it.

I also want to mention that calling me picky, asking what kind of requirements I have or what I have to offer myself is irrelevant. I'm simply looking for someone I'm attracted to, that I fall in love with and just really want to be with and who shares my basic values/dreams in life (and who feels the same way about me back of course). That is it.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Maybe you should try women. Or try dating older. Or younger. Whichever applies. Clearly, the type of guys you're giving a chance are not the type that do it for you.

    If your standards are so low, then you should have found someone by now. There must be traits you don't consciously realize you want.

    But, it's all about chemicals. Only other option is to date a bunch of guys. And to not expect that feeling right off the bat. Especially for women, it takes time to develop, usually. You should still feel something though, probably. But, you know how people say they have great "chemistry"? Apparently that's true. I forget most of it, but perhaps you could look into it. Finding someone chemically compatible with you would mean going for an array of guys and just keep hitting the pavement until you feel something. There aren't a lot of other options.

    Unless you want to inject yourself with oxytocin. There is no way to force attraction or love that I'm aware of. Only increasing the chances of finding a compatible person. I actually kind of relate. I haven't found anyone who comes close to making me feel how one of my exs made me feel. But, I've been in love multiple times. But I also don't actively look.

    Maybe you're still hung up on your ex: consciously or unconsciously. If you're trying to chase the feeling you had with him, it's different every time. You won't get the exact same feeling, most likely.

    Dream journal. Eventually, you might be able to find what traits your subconscious is really looking for, if you keep track of your dreams and try to interpret what your subconscious is trying to tell you. Or possibly hypnosis by a psychologist. Otherwise, you're just going to have to look the old fashioned way.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • You should never force yourself to feel love. Love is a chemical reaction that happens within us when you find the one! Step back and think for a moment, you're looking for a very specific key in a huge pile of them. It's going to take a long time to find the perfect guy that fits all of your needs. Just like keys, only one or two might work next to thousands. You have to take this into account when searching for something this specific! It's natural that this is taking a long time, but don't give up ever! You'll eventually find the right key and the right guy for you! You should never force yourself to live anyone and you shouldn't rush this. Keep searching and don't give up hope! Because searching helps speed up the process so much more than just waiting for them to appear in your life. You also might just be too picky. I've found that problem with myself very often! I've widened my views and realized that everyone has flaws and that I just need to accept my own flaws and everyone else's! I really hope that this motivates you to continue looking because you will find the one I know it :)

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What Guys Said 17

  • It took me 43 years to find the right person. Sometimes you just have to roll with what life gives you, whether you want it or not. Yes, I could have "settled" if I wanted to. But I'd have missed out on a great opportunity that I had to have the patience to see though to get. What works for me may not work for you, and I get that; it's only my opinion. But along those lines, can you force love? Nope. You can pretend, tell yourself you do, and play along; but sooner or later, it'll blow up on you.

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  • You sound like a real prize. Sad thing is just because of the mere fact that you are a woman there's going to be guys who would be willing to give you a chance even if you aren't super hot. Please do us guys a favor and remove yourself from the dating pool. Thanks in advance!

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    • 1mo

      Really? What did I do to deserve that? What's wrong with you?

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    • 1mo

      Omg did you even read it? I clearly stated, in the first line, that I've been in love ONCE. So telling me that I've never in my life found someone I'm attracted is wrong. And again, I DO NOT DECIDE WHO I AM ATTRACTED TO AND NOT. Therefor I'm not picky. It's one thing to be like "He has to be this tall, have that eyecolor, weigh this much, have that many tattos, have that hairstyle" and so on, and a completely other thing to be open for any guy but just not find someone that you get feelings for. How stupid must you be to not understand that.

    • 1mo

      True I did seem to miss that you were in love "once". I guess that kinda got buried under the "I've dated many guys but I feel nothing for them. I don't even enjoy being with them" part. Hence you sound like a real prize. But like you accuse me of not understanding you take my position to some ridiculous extreme that some how me calling you picky is because you're not hoping on every single dudes dick that you see. Never said that or implied that. There is a huge space in between not finding anyone you are attracted to because you are picky and not being a slut. Hope that clears everything up. Have a nice life.

  • I would advise forcing it or settling - I would hold out just in case it does happen

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  • Basically no, you can't force yourself to fall in love with someone. You can pretend that you are in love and get someone to marry you but you won't be happy if you do. Eventually what may happen is that you get lonely enough and someone comes along that feels way better than remaining alone

    How far are you willing to travel to meet someone compatible? If you aren't having any success locally, maybe you should just cast a much wider net.

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  • can't force it. i mean you can force it but they won't be genuine feelings

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  • Give up on it as i have... i feel more emotion about my not caring then i do the people around me.. it sucks because i want to be like everyone else and be happy but after many a women its just not happened

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  • Well you better hurry... you're getting to that age where guys start to look for younger than you...

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  • yea, its called rape.

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  • Nope, it happens if the guy is hot

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  • So you're asking whether love can be built on any foundation outside pure animal lusts? Only if you're more conscious and aware than an animal, I guess. Most people aren't.

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    • 1mo

      I have the same problem though, I'm just not interested in anyone romantically and don't meet anyone new I'm interested in either, whether or not I try to loo. And it's only happened once. And people I date I don't enjoy being around. lol maybe we should go out.

    • 1mo

      Maybe this happens when you realize that people aren't special snowflakes and all just have human tendencies, yet you are also self sufficient at the same time so you don't really have any motivation to fall in love with someone.

  • You can't force it. It just happens naturally

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  • There's no forcing such a thing. I tried it and it didn't work.

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  • "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." - The Beatles

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  • It's called pretending and it never ends well

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  • Yeah I feel the similar way. What was so different about the guy you fell in love with, than others?

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  • Are you ever attracted to people before having an emotional connection?

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What Girls Said 2

  • I think there are 2 different types of love/relationships.
    I) crazy head over heels kind. Often how you feel for your first love. Often a bit obsessive. I believe this feeling gradually wears off for 99% of people, and you're often left with someone you don't really have much in common with etc. I think this is why a lot of marriages fail.
    2) the other love is more gentle. It's not all consuming. You worry about them and think about them and miss them, but you don't feel sick when they're not around. You want the best for them even if that means them not being with you. There is less/no fire/passion, but there is still attraction. You're best friends. I think in this situation you see the person for who they really are and you're more likely to end up with someone you have lots in common with. But you have to chose to stay with this person. With the first type of love you have no choice, you feel like you can't live without them. I think with the second type there is the possibility of people looking for more, wanting the fairytale. Believe me, finding someone you get along with and care for and are attracted to is a fairytale!
    SO! Next time you meet a guy and get on and have a lot in common, give it time... you may not become crazy about him, but I don't think that's a very healthy feeling anyway!

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  • You can pull a Pavlov on them, haha...

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