Is it wrong to date a person you aren't crazy about?

I have never really dated... it is because the only person I was totally head over heels for didn't want to get into a relationship. And after I felt that crazy deep love I have turned every good guy down.
I just feel like I am deceiving myself and them if u continue any further without the same burning love I had for the first guy. But is it like that? After all, he wasn't worth my love and he wasn't any good for me!

Why should I turn down every guy that could be so much better than he ever was? Am I doing the right thing or should I give other guys a chance?
How long do you go with guys who you aren't madly in love with? Does anyone else feel the same as me? Should I stop worrying and give this new guy a chance?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You don't always get the spark with everyone the same way. For some it takes longer. Perhaps they're less open and thus take more time to get to know. Or they're more hesitant.
    But just because it doesn't happen in the first day, doesn't mean it won't happen at all. Maybe a guy you aren't crazy for on the first day, like you were for that one guy, will within a slightly longer period of time prove himself to be even better than that other one and you will be even more head over heels for him.

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    • 1mo

      This is something I have also thought about. Also, the guy I felt the burning love for hurt me more than he made me happy, so maybe it is not a good way to fall for a person. I just feel so safe with the new guy. But I don't want to be with anyone just because I feel lonely, and this time of the year and in this situation of life I am lonely. So I don't know if I like for him or just because he is there for me. I overthink. But maybe that is a sign I really do like him, because I think about him so much

    • 1mo

      Thanks and good luck.

Most Helpful Girl

  • you're suffering from wanting what you can't have syndrome. what kind of childhood did you have?

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    • 1mo

      I know... But I really wanna let go of the guy.
      My childhood wasn't the easiest, my dad was not a good person. But I was lucky to have an awesome mother and best siblings.

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    • 1mo

      Yeah, I wouldn't have kept him from growing. In the opposite, I would have helped him grow! helped him find his own things to do and new experiences. I wanted so much to just get a chance to show him I am not making him give up his freedom. But it is over now. Sad but true

    • 1mo

      a guy who is ready and emotionally secure will come to you in an obvious manner. there will be no question about it. I would still explore your hurt from your childhood to avoid falling for someone who wasn't there to catch you. thanks for MHO!

What Guys Said 26

  • I think either way is ok. But just because you have a instant connection doesn't mean it's going to work out later. It couldbe someone that you only have feelings for after a while but it lasts. I don't think you should just date anybody, if you don't feel it don't do it but surprises can happen. If your criteria are too narrow then that's probably not good. I think looking for the one is a bad thing because you dismiss to many people and if someone comes that you actually think is the one you'll probably be too nervous and desperate because you've waited soo long and have everything riding on this. Try and give more people a chance :P.

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  • It's fine. You don't have to be head over crazy to love a person. Give it some time. A lot of couples didn't like each other right off the bat or were crazy in love when they first met. Love takes time to grow and you can learn to love a person the longer you spend time with them.

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    • 1mo

      Now i'm not saying you need to force someone you don't like but if there is some interest from the beginning you can make i grow. Think of it like a flame. You can turn it into an inferno with enough time.

      All relationship don't need to start with a burning hot flame.

    • 1mo

      Sounds a lot better than my own thoughts. I think I am so emotional that I start making things complicated.

  • You don't need to be madly in love to date. Dating ain't a relationship yet. I think that you should feel something, but love comes with the time and dating should be used to get to know the other person better and/or decide if going further is actually a good idea.

    So, if you wanna give a guy a chance, go ahead. It's better to decide something rationally than emotionally.

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  • It's up to you. Just keep in mind that a time will come when no guy even glances at you, let alone asks you out. So ignore the interested men if you want, but understand what the consequences of that may be down the road. You may never end up finding anyone because in your fertile years, you were obsessed with having this immediate superficial lustful reaction as a litmus test, instead of allowing a guy to grow on you and have that attraction build over time. Consider these things

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    • 1mo

      Thanks, I know this... and This is the reason why I am asking this question! I want to give them a chance and find the guy that really feels right. I just have ended up turning most of them down, now I'll try not to. I will keep on looking and if this new guy now shows he still cares I wanna give him a chance after all my hesitation.

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    • 1mo

      Thank you! :) this makes me feel a lot better

    • 1mo

      No problem! Good luck :)

  • I have a dual answer to this question - No don't date unless you feel something but give yourself a chance to feel something. Maybe have a 3 date rule, go on 3 dates and make a decision then rather than cut yourself off before first date.

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  • You seem anxious and worried about it, when you should be more level headed before returning to the dating realm. It's difficult to just stop worrying and mute your anxiety. In a way, it's kind of unfair to bring unsorted baggage with you to the table. But, maybe this new guy can accommodate for that, as long as you show signs of improvement.

    Now, to answer your questions. Everyone has their own set of expectations for relationships, but they will never know for sure if someone is right for them until they start dating. You may have unusually high expectations since your last relationship, and it's normal to feel that way if you haven't been in many relationships to discover what kind of guys you're interested in. There's literally billions of fish in the sea for you to meet, that you haven't met yet. I can't answer the question about time spent away from madly in love significant others. I don't feel the same as you, I can't relate. You can't simply stop worrying, you need to begin accepting your past and start returning to the present. You should give this new guy a chance when you feel ready to date again.

    As flattered as I am that you left his fate to our opinions, I'm more concerned about your mental health. It may be wise to seek a counselor or someone close you know you can talk to about these things. Anxiety is a serious matter and can lead to a multitude of health complications.

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    • 1mo

      Thanks... I am probably not ready to date again then. I am feeling anxiety about moving in to another city, so that is probably the reason I am this worried in other things too. Also the fact that the guy from my past contacted me just to tell me nothing new at all. I have to ignore him in the future and maybe give this new guy a chance? he would be worth it, but maybe he doesn't want me. Who knows

    • 1mo

      I don't know who your ex is, but you need to move on from him, it's a done deal. I don't think you two should even be friends, not right now at least. If he knows where you live now, don't tell him where you're going to move. If anything let him know in a text that it's time that you moved on, then block him (so at least he knows why you decided to block him). Obsessing over him is not going to help you recover at all and it doesn't sound like he wants to help you either, so cut it.

      Start researching about the new city you're about to move in. Think about questions like: What is X city known for? What are some good places to eat there? Where are the good bars located? Good malls? Where is the movie theater located? Where is the book store/library located? Where is the closest supermarket to my new place?

      It may still be a good idea to write about how you feel in a diary, but get a new one. Use it to help you grow, and not to recede to the past. Find someone to talk to that's not him.

    • 1mo

      I blocked him already before. And he knows the reason, I said farewell to him already. But he found me on some other app and tried to just chitchat with me... I felt kind of weak at the moment so I answered him just to realise he had nothing to say and was probably just killing time.

  • No, it's not 'wrong' per se. Dating is supposed to be a fun experience, so if you meet someone you'd like to date, date them and see where it leads you. The only thing that would be 'wrong' is if you continue to date someone you have no interest in whatsoever, effectively leading them on.

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  • It doesn't just happen, it takes time. You have to really get to know the person and deep love comes with that knowledge and trust you build. So yes absolutely date.

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  • I feel kinda similar. It's not wrong to give other guys a chance, but just be clear with them that you don't see it as something too serious. And if you don't enjoy spending time with them, then maybe end it after a few months (or friend zone them).

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    • 1mo

      Now I have been ending the dating already after the first or second date, if I don't feel the strong connection. I think that is a little too fast and I should give them a better chance. This new guy I wanted to be friends with and he wanted more, which made me feel like I had to make a decision too fast and I backed up. Now I see that I like him and feel good close to him, it is just not the sparkling kind of love.

    • 1mo

      Maybe first date is too fast, I don't think second date is too fast.

  • Never. Dating a person is just a way to know have would you feel if your relationship were more closed, but you needn't to have such a close love for them before dating them.

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  • If you're not attracted to their face, then it's all doomed.

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  • your right to give it a go, u dont no till u try, but if it has been a while and your not clicking with him, you shud tell him to move on.

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  • I think "in love" and "having a crush" are too different things here. No you may not feel the same about other men but turning them down just because you're chasing something you can't get is not going to end well. Experiment while you can

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  • Don't do that please. No offense, but it's girls like you that are the reason my eyes roll whenever I hear "she's with you because she wants YOU." To which my immediate internal response is "yea yea, talk to my dick."

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  • I would only date a chick I'm in love with lol but other would date a stranger lol

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  • I don't know but im in a pretty similar situation to you. I bitched out of asking this girl out until she started dating someone else but I know that if she breaks up with him then I probably couldnt help asking her out so I just avoid other people even if I like them because no one really measures up in my view.

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  • You gotta do what you want. Choose. Everything is a choice. Decide. It is as simple as that.

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  • No, but it's a waste of time.

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  • What goes around comes around. Just remember that! Whatever you do to somebody else's emotions will come right back at you!

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  • That is a rather bad idea.

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    • 1mo

      So if I like him and feel this warmth towards him, but I feel no instant crush... You think I should not sate him?

  • You never forget your first love, but, in order to at least move on, you need to do exactly that, move on, even if feels bad to move on from him

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  • not necessary , dating at first isn't cause your in love with them , its just cause your attracted to them or some other reason you feel there worth the time , more serious feelings don't usually start till later on

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  • You will end up alone if you continue this way.

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  • I think it is wrong to "date" someone you don't like so much. It would be completely okay to just hang out as friends though. So you both know where your feelings are. That way it's less likely for someone to get hurt over it all

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  • It's not a black and white thing. Sometimes you may not click right away but over time.

    Then there's times where you find an instant connection with someone and then it ends all of a sudden, and terribly while at it. I've had that happen too.

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    • 1mo

      Yeah, with the one that felt like the right one, I was more unhappy than happy. I mean he hurt me more than he made me happy. So I wonder if I am ever gonna feel the same for anyone who wouldn't hurt me all the time.

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    • 1mo

      Nice... :( Why are people like this... The guy acted hot and cold too. He would say things like: - we should marry each other one day! Maybe not tomorrow but some day! - I wanna make an impression on your family! - I want to settle down with you! -we have a special connection I never felt with anyone else! THEN again say: I have never been boyfriend-material! - I am not ready to commit! - I want to love all girls! - I can ruin my life by myself!
      I listened to his excuses and apologies and explanations for years but at the end of the summer it finally got to a point where I understood he was really just wasting my time.

    • 1mo

      This girl was newly single and just got out of a 5 year relationship so was most likely playing the field, but that doesn't excuse what she did.

      That sounds weird on that guy's part. One minute he seems super serious about you then unsure of you the next.

      Dating people who constantly act hot and cold is a fucking headache. It causes a lot of over analyzing and you feel like you're always walking on eggshells with them regardless of how good your dates are. You feel like it can end at any minute and that when you contact them, you feel like you're being a pest and you have all the issues.

      I mean not to shift all the blame onto one person but it's like why date someone like that who strings you along and acts bipolar (not literally) towards you? It gives you a need for constant reassurance and it's not healthy. No one wants to be in a situation like that.

  • I think when you are young, you tend to date people in your social circle, you can get to know them and fall in love with them before you actually date, or at least it feels that way.

    While that can happen as you get older, you more often date people where you are getting to know them in the dating stage.

    So I think you can't look just for guys you love to date, but if you're not attracted right away, and sort of crushing pretty fast by like a couple dates? End it.

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What Girls Said 26

  • The ultimate goal when dating is usually for it to develop into a long- term relationship. As you get to know someone your feelings grow so the relationship progresses. This only happens over time. So it's imopratant to give a guy a chance. Or you'll never get to know him on a personal level. You won't be giving yourself a chance for feelings to develop either

    Some people know after a first date that the person isn't right for them , so they don't continue to date him/her

    In the initial stages of dating it's rare you'll get strong feelings or be crazy about each other. The first stages of dating is getting to know each other.

    It'd be wrong to give a guy false hope by stringing him along though. If you know in your heart he's not right for you , and you know the relationship won't develop, it'd be cruel to lead him on.

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  • Yeah I think it's wrong because it tells that you're not really that into a person but more into an idea of having a nice boyfriend and being liked. It's an act of desperation and it doesn't end up well. I've been there. Ever since I was really young I only wanted to date guys I was crazy about, so I rejected the "so and so" ones. Then I thought maybe that's wrong and I started giving chances to those "so and so" guys. It was such a torture. I was well aware they were good people and they treated me great, but "the feeling" never came with time. I only felt guilty, because they felt for me that crazy kind of love which I didn't. I'm never gonna do the same thing again. If it means waiting for years to get crazy for someone then be it, even if I end up all alone. I know what I want and what I need, I'm not gonna settle for anything less then a crazy kinda love! :)

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    • 1mo

      Just for the record, waiting does pay off. I don't know how long has it been since you were crazy about someone, but for me it could go on for 2, 3 years. But once it happens, it's worth it. :)

    • 1mo

      Oh! Wow... This is exactly what has happened to me... I wanna give those "so and so"-guys a chance because I am afraid I am missing something. I mean, what if they turn out to be the right ones?
      Anyhow, I think like you, I know what I could have and I don't want to settle for anything less... But to date doesn't mean you have to marry them... I want to get experience in dating and see if some guys could turn out to be better after a while. Some people say the flame grows with time. I haven't experienced it before but I guess it could be true. And who knows if I will ever find the type of love I felt for that one guy who didn't wanna settle?

    • 1mo

      Yeah I agree, you should definitely try! I guess those feelings growing over time sometimes work and sometimes don't, and it also depends on the person, situation and your own personality. I tried and it didn't work for me, though. But maybe it works for you. Anyway good luck! :)

  • You should give yourself a chance. Let love find you and take a break. I've once crushed on this guy for several years, and it just wasn't comparable with other guys. I've dated a few others I wasn't crazy about, and the longest lasted for just 3/4 months.
    I find that it's easier for oneself to take a break from all relationships and not give a guy a chance just because he's good and he's into you but you're not interested in him at all. It won't last most of the times, you will always want much more. I would rather avoid the expectations and disappointment.
    However, if you feel like you two have similar interests and get along well, you can also decide to give it a go. Good luck!

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    • 1mo

      Thanks! I have been single forever so I really think it would be nice to dare someone for a change, I just noticed that every guy I like a little I push away because there just isn't that instant crush I had with the one before.
      That guy felt so right from the very beginning and I think we could have been soulmates. He broke my heart completely and now when I feel complete again I just push everyone away. Maybe he still has got me somehow. But I wanna move on and not be forever alone.

  • OF COURSE, so long as you don't damage him, e. g. allowing him to fall in love by himself

    Dating is more about getting to know people more intimately and forging experiences that will help finding The One, even if through friends of his. If feeling guilty, remember you can serve his search needs just as well.

    Dating is not initially exclusive so set those ground rules and keep an eye peeled if not actively shopping.

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    • 1mo

      Thank you! I'll try to stop this thinking. I wanna date and try new things with guys, but sometimes I tend to think I will have this gut feeling when the guy really is right and that I should wait for him.

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    • 1mo

      True :/

    • 1mo

      changes = chances
      oh my

  • I used to feel just like this!! It's happened to be quiet a bit!

    When you start dating these other guys. The ones whom are nice and care etc... You get an understanding of them and what they're like and some people become more attractive to you when you know them!

    You should give them a chance even if you have the slightest hope in them... See what happens. You never know.. Could work out to be something really good! If not.. Then you at least will have a good night doing something!

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    • 1mo

      Thanks! That is good advice. :) nice to hear I am not alone with these worries.

  • Comparing every guy to an idealized shadow of a man isn't doing you any good.
    Also, you won't fall madly in love until you have known a man for a while. If you never get past a first date with anyone, you will never find love.

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    • 1mo

      I have went on many dates, met the same guy many times too, but every time I feel like something is wrong. It might be that I compared them to the one guy I met before... But anyways, I wanna find love and I don't want to turn everyone down just because of the one that got away

    • 1mo

      You should be more selective before the date or become acquaintances with the man before you date him, that way you will know what you like about him and will already see him in a positive light (or not) This would reduce the number of dates you go on and thereby reduce the number of men you can draw reference to.

    • 1mo

      I didn't mean I would go out just with anyone... 😂 i am selective, but I don't want to be too selective
      ..

  • There's nothing wrong with giving these other guys a shot, because they might surprise you. But if after a certain period of time you're still thinking about what you had with your ex, you need to end things. It's not fair to continue a relationship with someone you can't give yourself fully to.

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  • Not every guy you go on a date with is going to be love st first sight. That's what dating is for. To get to know someone and find commonalities, interests and likes. How many dates have you been on with him?

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    • 1mo

      I know... But I have met him two years ago... We met a few times before he took up the fact that he wanted more than friendship. I wasn't ready so I backed up and then we met a few times on a little different basis. Now we met again after a year and I think I would be ready for something. Just not sure about if it is fair for me to try it with him. I don't want to hurt him again

    • 1mo

      He's a grown up right? Everyone knows the risks of dating but they go into it anyway on the chance that you are both on the same page and interested in something more.

  • Well sooner or later you going to get over him. He didn't want you, move on with your life. But don't date guys when you are still interested in him. That's wrong on so many levels. Wait until another guy who YOU like, and try with him. You also in your late teen/early 20s you don't NEED a guy. You can wait your life is not going to end in like 5 years.

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  • you should give other guys a chance, like whatt are you gonna do when he is out there dating other women ( having fun) and you're just there sitting at home ( saving yourself for him). Also when guys mostly say they don't want relationship, they're lying, they just don't want a relationship with you, but they they're being nice , instead of saying no i don't wanna go out with you ( like cmon even girls use that trick) . Also you could develop deeper feelings for someone, when you start to go out with them, so maybe in time you'll get over him and not really like him, because you'll like one of the other guys more.

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    • 1mo

      Well he was a master at that talent. He told me he wanted to marry me and then after a while told me how he is never gonna be able to be in a relationship. After months he told me again he never meant it like that, it was all just a misunderstanding... Then he again backed up saying he just isn't ready for anything serious. Well, this is a shortened version and things wasn't exactly this black and white. I wasn't just there waiting for him to come back, even if it sounds like that in this version. But now I have accepted the fact that he is never gonna be ready for me, he just goes back and forth... but I won't let him anymore. :) sad but at the same time not at all

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    • 1mo

      Thank you! :) this is exactly what it is. I am only sad because I once believed he really was just so fucked up and some day he could really be ready. But no, he is never gonna be ready to me. Maybe some day a girl comes that makes him commit, but I wasn't that girl.

    • 1mo

      yeah you go girl

  • I think real and worthwhile love grows so it's definitely okay to date someone who doesn't spark you right away. But at the same time, of its been a couple of dates and you're not feeling anything... it's okay to break it off before it goes too far. the timeline will probably be different from guy to guy but you'll know.

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    • 1mo

      I feel a lot of warmth towards this one guy I have met a few times the past year. He is sweet and knows how to take care of me. I really want to give him a try, but there are these moments I feel like I am betraying him, he looks at me with love and his heart beats like hell, and there I am paying attention to how his kisses are bad and his deodorant smells... I feel so mean, even if I like him and haven't led him on. Should I stop dating him or give it a try... I just don't know. I don't want to hurt him, he means a lot to me.

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    • 1mo

      I know, I am thinking about the future with him. I think I always come back to him in my thoughts for a reason, I should give him a chance. The small imperfections isn't making me give up. No one is perfect.

    • 1mo

      So true :)

  • Yeah I think you are still hung up on your crush who rejected you. Your pride has been wounded so I think you should give yourself time to get over that and remember it was just infatuation because you never really knew the real Jim so you could be totally incompatible. But while it may help to date others for your ego, it would be unfair to them if you are still broken about the first guy. Heal first. That said, There should always be some sort of spark or attraction before you date someone. Doesn't need to be a full on crush for it to turn into love. I usually know within 2 months of dating - if I have not fallen in love by then I doubt I ever will.

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    • 1mo

      Yeah, well, he comes and goes and now I finally have accepted he will never be ready. Even if I loved him and knew what he was, doesn't mean I can't feel it with someone else... at least i hope so. He has showed me he only hurts me in the end so I am ready to try dating someone who really likes me. I never date a guy I feel nothing for. I really feel warmth towards this new guy too. I just don't feel the same heat with him as with the first one. Maybe I am not ready then... I just wanna move on

  • I don't think I've ever or will ever date a guy who I'm crazy for, since if you just met someone then it takes time to build a relationship. It's not going to happen overnight, you might feel giddy about someone or happy with them but it takes a lot more to fall for them.

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    • 1mo

      But I have fallen head over heels with guys, but it happened more when I was a teen. Then the one that felt like THE ONE came around and after him I haven't felt it with anyone again. Maybe I should just be single and see if some day I'll meet one guy who makes me feel the same way?

    • 1mo

      My only advice is to do what feels comfortable for you, if you feel like if you try and get with a guy and you feel guilty then that's all its going to be. If things can start out slow and warm up into a inferno and you like him then go for it. If you feel like your not being true to yourself, by doing something you don't believe then that's all what your going to think about during the relationship

  • I honestly give the guy a chance before I turn him down.
    I started liking a lot of guys when I started to know them better

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    • 1mo

      I have thought of this guy a lot since we met on Thursday. I miss him already; but at the same time I am not sure if I miss him just because I am stressed and lonely. I hate people who miss other people only because they don't want to be alone, yet I am not sure if I am doing the same at the moment. He is sweet and gets me...

    • 1mo

      just give it more time and enjoy yourself
      shouldn t be stressing and over thinking that much

  • I'm sure a lot of us have gone through something like this with our "first love" and you shouldn't feel awful about it. Honestly, don't rush it! You don't have to turn them down right off the bat but just let them know that you're not ready for a relationship or even dating right now. Continue to work on yourself and focus on becoming a better you, doing things you love and so forth.. and sooner or later you'll grow out of those feelings you had for your "first love" and realize even more that you deserve so much better and that he's the one missing out on a good girl. Let life unfold on it's own. What's meant to be will be :)

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  • No because that's the point of 'dating'. What would be wrong is getting in a relationship with them and/or marrying them and having kids with them.

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  • I'd give them a chance. If you're not into them after a few dates call it off, but there's no harm in just trying it out.

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  • Don't force yourself. You'll feel it eventually.

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  • Trying to force yourself to feel attracted to someone that you really don't feel any chemistry towards is one of the most awkward feelings ever. I will never do that again. But if you feel some attraction and just aren't sure yet if you like their personality, I think it's fine to date and try to get to know them better.

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  • I get your pain, I've never been in a legitimate relationship even though I've been asked out by a lot of good people because I really like someone else (we wouldn't work out though). I'm trying to move on from it by making some distance between us as well as talking to other guys. You may not feel in love with them, but it's good to give good people a chance and see if new experiences will help you move on

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  • You should give him a chance but also you shouldn't give him any hope, that guy didn't deserve you , but someday you will meet someone who will not make you wonder, if you didn't found interest in these guys its fine, one day you will

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    • 1mo

      That's sweetly said :)

  • i honestly believe it's not a good idea to date someone you don't like in that way because what if you get with a person you don't end up even ever liking like that... then you'd have to break up with them because you probably wouldn't be happy enough with them and would rather be single. that's why i've rejected at least 6 guys i think and only dated 1 guy (who i fell in love with a few hours before we started dating and i was really happy with him)

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  • Well, there are 2 main dangers to this choice: 1. You might not be making your partner as happy as you would if you actually felt the 'burning love' for him (people can sense this most of the time and they silently accept it) and 2. At some point someone might come along and you might feel that passion for them and that will complicate everything, needless to add.

    Other than this, I have nothing else to contribute.. but I hope it helps a bit :)

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  • It's not wrong. During the dating you can find out whether or not you like him more

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  • Give him a chance and time limit. If you're stil not bothered by then move on.

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  • Give people a chance.

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