Is there any hope of finding a serious partner in this day and age (I'm 19)?

I'm 19, and yes, while that may sound like way too young to be worrying about dying alone, I have good reason. Growing up I never knew what a good "relationship" looked like. I grew up watching my mother allow herself to be cheated on and abused. As I got older I started to look around and saw that pretty much all of the women in my family were involved in unhealthy relationships. This conditioned me to assume that that was what my future was gonna look like. I went through life closed up. When I finally opened my heart it was to a verbally abusive dickhead, whom I stayed with for 3 years because I was scared that if I let him go I wouldn't be able to find anyone else. It's been a year since I left him and now I'm starting to worry that maybe I was right. I'm not into hooking up, as I'd like something serious. I've been rejected by every guy that I've liked since last December. I don't know what's wrong with me. Yes, I may not be the prettiest girl out there (or at least what society deems as pretty), but I'm kind, genuine, fun and easy to talk to. I'm at the point where I'm starting to feel hopeless. I'm so torn between how to act and what to work on. Some people tell me that I'm too picky, while others say I'm not selective enough. Some people tell me that I need to "put myself out there", while other says that I need to sit back and stop trying so hard. Both clearly have not worked for me. I go onto websites like these and I see discussions about how "love in the 21st century is dead" and how guys aren't really into serious relationships anymore. I've tried everything. I've tried being myself and I've tried changing myself but nothing has worked. I'm a sweet girl with so much to give and I just don't understand why no one will give me a chance...


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What Guys Said 20

  • I can understand your loneliness. Life can get pretty lonely for us all. But it sounds to me that maybe you are focusing on the wrong thing. Maybe you aren't ready for a relationship yet and need to focus on getting in better touch with yourself first. You can't have a successful and comfortable relationship with someone else until you are first comfortable with yourself. And it sounds like you are not. Consider taking a time out. Don't worry so much about having a boyfriend. Maybe try to deepen your relationship with friends for a while, take a vacation from the man hunt and focus on figuring out what makes you happy, what makes you tick, what makes you motivated, what makes you feel fulfilled... and do things that make you happy with YOURSELF. It IS possible for you to be happy without having a man in your life. Once you achieve that, you will be able to relate to someone from a position of self confidence and genuine desire to connect. That's how healthy relationships are born.

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  • no one gives two shits about u being sweet. i am looking for a serious relationship and have been since i was ur age... i had a 6-7 year relationship but otherwise just shorter ones that were nothing but ajoke. girls are a dam joke now adays. im doing better with the younger crowd, probably because i act younger and look much younger lol ;)

    but for u, if u are serious about "seeking" guys want to get to know u AFTER being attracted to u. so u want to attract guys. so if u are serious, i would suggest that u try getting fit or inshape. not beefy or anything just fit. while beefy girls are a niche thing, most guys love fit looking girls even when they are so/so looking. and u dont want to look too slutty to just get attention either as thats not attention u NORMALLY want. not saying u won't get a serious guy, but ur chances do go down the slutter u get. u just want to do it enough to attract people not show off all the goods for everyone all around u.

    then once they like u, THEN u can show them how sweet and shit u are... u will probably have better luck. u dont want to NOT be picky. stay picky. just improve ur side of the game ok. it will make it worth it for u.

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    • 21d

      First of all you look to be in your mid 40s. This was hard to read because of how you typed it. Why are you assuming she is too skinny or too big? I kniw a lot of big women who are in a relationship, engaged ir married.

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    • 16d

      @NexAngelus A true friend will never hold you down or at least try to. A foe or detractor would. Friends are hey to gave fun with, destress with, to be there for you as you are for them etc. Why do you choose to be alone? To be alone sounds depressing. You say you whittled a stick. I have whittle a bunch of sticks before. I have also made chairs, couches, tables, cabinets, entertainment centers etc. While you are changing oil of which I know how to do I am taking a part engines and putting them back together after working on them. InsteAd of going on and on about this part I am going to jump ahead. I have built a few cars. I have molded metal by hand to be made into art and for practical uses. My investments have made me money. I travel, go to concerts, museums, sporting events etc. What do you do with your time since yoy have no friends to have fun with likelyst likely do not have a significant other be it a boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance/fiancee, husband/wife.

    • 16d

      @MysteriousDarkness lol i told u i am not going to tell u all the fun things i have done ;) it would be cheating. not to mention it would take way to long to actually write it out. hell it would take forever just to talk about. i told u i prefer solo, im skilled enough to do things alone, and posses the mental fortitude to be by myself without a constant supply of ego fluff. its not like i can't easily get along with people, i choose not to keep them around me. huge difference. i also told u i recently lost a lot. u can take that for what u want. i am still way ahead of the game so it does not bother me, and think of this as somoene somewhere trying to humble me, though its not working to well. I've had SO, I've had others... I've done more than most guys can dream of with sex. jealousy isn't even a word that could cross my mind there. and i do things now, so itsnot just like i sit around ;) im just being coy and secretive hehe cause its funny

  • You are way too young to feel hopeless. Like you, I grew up in an unhappy home and had no idea what a healthy relationship was. I had a horrible first marriage, so did my wife, but now we're very happy. You are way ahead of me. You survived an early bad relationship and still young, single, and child-free. Be a little bit more patient. Before I met my wife I had a year of 17 first dates and no second dates.

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  • I'm 21 and would only consider dating someone if I saw the possibility of marriage in our future. But alas, I'm single. Turns out being young and not wanting to date around isn't a popular crowd.

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  • Where have you been looking? Don't go fishing in a sewer and expect to catch a fresh water game fish. Maybe a sweet girl with much to give should do some volunteering and find a like-minded guy there.

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  • Someone who treats you like shit won't be a serious partner. Some people want to fuck, some want relationships. Just gotta figure it out.

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  • You have time to burn; don't just settle for whatever comes along, but find just what you need and want. I know it seems easy for me to say that, but trust me, I waited 40 years for it. It was worth the wait.

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  • She is only 19 years old and already has gone "through life" and was in a relationship for three years and then she woke up. I don't think you have tried everything. Maybe try to be no drama queen..

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  • Yes there is hope, you have had bad examples growing up. I say keep you eyes open, don't listen to everything everyone is saying "love is dead" it isn't. What state do you live in?

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    • 21d

      South Carolina. All the boys here are into the same thing. Preppy southern belles or kylie Jenner wannabes. They are very closed minded.

    • 20d

      Well think about this, media shape you and your friends view about family, relationships, etc. Those guys are boys not men. Your dealing with immature guys instead of mature young men.
      You keep high standards, (not impossible standards). Do you go to church?

  • Yes there are decent partners out there.

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  • at your age yes at my age its not looking good.

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  • Hey be easy on yourself, at least you know what you want from a relationship unlike most people these days. You just need to find what makes you happy, spend time on your hobbies and find your passion. Don't look for relationships at the moment, look to make friends, sincere friends not douches. One day you'll meet someone having interests similar to yours and then go for it.

    Right now just work on yourself and ease off the getting into relationship pressure.

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  • Paragraphs must hate you OP. Can you give me the cliff notes?

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  • Many people have serious partners at that age. Most relationships are not casual in nature.

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  • Not to be a dick, but are you a lesbian? Or looking for one? Understand not all men are like that, white or black. I know some really good guys, that would treat you right.

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  • Join the club. There are decent men looking to start a family out there. Works hard, treats his love with respect. I would~ consider myself one of them. But I'm no looker. So girls don't really give me a chance either.

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  • Where do u live? What's your culture? If you live in break up n hook up culture.. Move on...

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  • Maybe we can be friends:)

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  • very low chance
    and even if you do
    they will probably have different beliefs
    then you

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  • Well you don't have to be just get to know them and they will give you a chance

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What Girls Said 5

  • Your not too picky. And its good to be picky, because you don't want to be with every and anybody. The point is, its going to be a lot harder than you think. The problem is too many people are lustful and is out for what they want, and that includes sex. They don't care who they got to use, confuse, and abuse. You have to be around serious people. Don't give up. And you don't need to put yourself out there. The issue is stop tolerating their Bull crap. You know what you want and need in a partner. Dating is about process and elimination. If they don't qualify, tell them 'bye bye'. But there are guys who is serious. You just need to look, and be observant in who us right for you. And don't just go for the looks and not how they act. Watch for how they react.

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  • This is pretty much my experience. Only with some different results. Like you, pretty much every woman for the past SEVERAL GENERATIONS have had unhealthy and usually physically abusive relationships. My older sister has even just completely rejected men and relationships all together. I on the other hand, like you, kinda went down the "Well, but I WANT to be loved", and so kept looking anyway. And I know I'm young too, even a year younger than you it looks like, but this is what worked for ME.

    Now I don't really consider myself beautiful, but people at least say I'm "adorable" because I'm just a little woman. I really am. I have a small voice to match it, so that might also play into how guys treat me. They see the little woman with a small voice, and I feel like a lot of them just want to like "protect" me. Now with that, there will come the guys who are like "She's weak. Easy prey." THAT is where you have to pay attention. Look at how they dress. How they walk. Talk. ACT. Look at their interactions with other women. Do they dress like a thug, or put in no effort at all? Are their gestures overly lazy and sort of like "I don't give a F***", and do they seem flirtish with other women? Probably an abuser. I know that sounds obvious, but a lot of women kinda over look details like that.

    But also a thing to look at is how they treat the women in their family. I mean the sisters is a pretty good indicator, but you REALLY wanna look at how he is with his mother. As well as how he talks about her when she's not around. If it's bad, get out of the relationship. Because if he can treat his mother like that, I don't even wanna think about what he might do to you. And this is TRUE. My biological father according to my mother used to curse out his mother while he was on the phone with my mom, and he was extremely abusive. And I work with a guy who seems into me, but he's constantly bragging about "how he's an adult, and so his mother can't tell him what to do". I've flat out rejected him on several occasions, even when I was single.

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    • 21d

      Currently I'm in a good relationship. Don't know about wedding bells or anything, but it's going strong. I'm lucky in that his mother actually works WITH me. Like I was friends with his mama before I even met HIM. We all work in the same place, but he works in a way different department so we never see him in the day. Anyway, we met because on a busy day he came up to help, and just happened to be told to help me. I at the time didn't even know he was her son. But so he helped me for awhile, and after that we would just kinda say hi, and that developed into conversations. And then I started noticing that every single day, he would say good-bye to his mother before he left work. Mind you, he is NOT a mama's boy. Then as we got closer, whenever I was leaving before him, I'd go and just sorta talk to him a bit before I left And he STILL asks when I do this, he goes "is my mother up there?" The first time he asked, I asked why. He said "I just wanna make sure she got here alright.

    • 21d

      Now we're together, and I've never had a happier relationship.

  • To answer your question: yes. When I first met my boyfriend he was saying how he wished to find a girl that wants a long term and the stuff he was saying I thought he was in his 30's. To my surprise I found out he is only 20 years old.

    I understand what you are going through my ex was the same as yours I stayed with him for 3 years as well because he made me believe that I will be forever alone if I break up with him because no guy will date a ugly fat girl. When I broke up with him and my friends wanted me to date other guys I just honestly wanted to give up because the guys I dated just wanted sex and nothing serious. But I was lucky when I finally met my boyfriend ( the one I mentioned being only 20 years old ). Trust me you will find someone and when you do, you will be so happy and feel so loved because you will know that you have found the one.

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  • Love yourself first and then the right one will find you.

    Honestly, if the girl finds the guy... it never works out lmao

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  • Yes of course there are good guys out there. They are looking for good girls trust me. Dont settle until you find him.

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