Why do guys ALWAYS try to sext me before the first date?

Question

Now to be clear, I work super hard to stay away from fuckboys and players. I am so picky because I have absolutely no attraction or interest in bad boys. So I'm not sure if I'm weird and alone on this but every time I get asked out on a date by a guy, who seems nice, we start casually texting in the days leading up to the date. And I make an effort to keep the conversation strictly just casual, nice, Friendly, but make extra effort towards keeping it completely off the track that leads to sexting. Like I literally analyze every text I send to make sure it won't give these guys the idea that I'm looking for that. For me, I have no interest in sexual talk until I'm actually having sex with them, or leading to it. It really turns me off before I know them better. But no matter how hard I work almost EVERY GUY I've been on a date with has ended up stearing or attempting to stear the conversation towards a sexual note. Then it makes me seem like the prude/buzz kill for shutting it down.

Does anyone here know why this might be happening? Is this a thing most guys do or am I just unlucky? Especially since I take such care to never say things that might be taken as an invitation. I honestly don't get what I'm doing to bring this on 😂 HELP!!

super147 · Accepted Answer

Guys steering conversations towards sex is nothing new, it happens all the time and I'm sure that every girl who has every had more than a few conversations with a guy has experienced this.

It tends to be more common where the two people don't really know each other well. A guy is better able to commoditise a girl when he doesn't already have a better knowledge of her life, her personality and her feelings. It becomes harder when you know a person more indepth as a human being.

Guys will test the water, that in itself is not a bad thing because if nobody tried to progress a relationship then nothing would progress. However, there is a difference between gentle progression and textual molestation, lol. Perhaps if guys stopped and considered how they'd want a guy to treat their sister or their mother then they'd be a bit better behaved.

Dan2287 · Accepted Answer

I would not text as much leading up to the date. There's no reason in texting if you're seeing the person in person.

If a guy is attracted to you then he probably will try and steer it in that direction. They are trying to be more than friends so they are taking chances and putting it out there. If they do and you don't reciprocate I'd hope they'd slow down a bit.

Maybe they'd be less likely to talk to you that way if you opted for a phone call instead of texting as well

Alli39 · Accepted Answer

I mean, they're probably trying to flirt and there usually is sexual component to flirting. Unless you're like, constantly getting unwanted dick pics, which at that point may just speak to the type of guys you're attracted too, though it sounds like that's not the case, then I wouldn't actually worry about it? Like, if it's truly uncomfortable to have any kind of remotely sexual conversation then you should probably communicate that with the people you're talking to because I'd say the average person probably would add sexual elements to their conversations when flirting.

Felinegirl · Accepted Answer

What do you classify as sexting? Perhaps they're just trying to flirt.
I don't like to be randomly sexted either and harsh language right away is a big "no" to. But a slight tease every now and then should be fine.

Inbox · Answer

Okay, there's a lot of layers to this, but I'll give you the main points. You're looking at the external, then judging the internal (most people do this), rather than doing it in the opposite lens. Let's look at a man's world first, then you can apply it to your own experiences and we cannot assume it's this way for every guy obviously.

1. If you're not within the top 10% of men, getting a date/laid is a lot of work. As a woman, all you have to do is say "yes" to talk to him, "yes" to giving out your #, "yes" to meeting him on a date, and "yes" to taking you home and sleeping with him. Us guys, we have to approach, deal with MANY rejections before getting a yes, deal with bitchy rejections, false #s, learn text game, how to make a woman comfortable on the date, where to take her, when and how to make the move/kiss her, where to take her back home, read the situation to see if she is comfortable, and once we get her back to our place, she could still say "no."

Doesn't seem fair right? Well, this is the real world and women hold most of the power in the dating and sexual realms. Even the average looking girl has many options - the Feminists always seem to disregard all this. You are a gorgeous girl who may either be getting hit on all the time or if you get approached rarely, it may be because men are intimidated by you.

The point of this is to understand is that most men are not getting laid as often the Feminists (I'm not calling you one, but they're the ones who are always whining) are saying - in fact the average laid count for a man is only around 7! In your case, many of these men are probably just horny/inexperienced/maybe desperate. I'm not asking you to be forgiving, just understanding. If we fail, it's our fault usually by the woman's and societal standards. It is a red flag if a guy tries to sext you right away BEFORE having sex, UNLESS you gave him very strong signals or verbally told him that sex was going to happen. I personally do not sext or talk about sex unless the girl and I are "feeling it" (see #2).

2. Women are full of contradictions. Women are either the "feeling/emotional" or "logical" type and most women are the feeling/emotional types and these are the ones that ruin it simply because I'm sure you've heard of the old saying "women always say one thing, but then do something else entirely."

Let's put it in the context of your question: a woman may say I don't have sex with guys until X occurs and let's presume the guys listens to your WORDS. More often then not, what happens later is that she goes to a party and fucks another guy who put ZERO effort while the guy who puts lots of effort into the girl is left hanging - this understandably makes many men bitter. I can guarantee you that pretty much every guy has gone through such an experience and that is why men may not take your word at face value when you go on dates with them.

In fact, I teach men to follow the rule of 2: 1) only ask a girl out once, maybe twice, but no more and 2) if there is no sex or some form of sex after the 2nd date, move on. Are there exceptions to this? Of course, but it's usually a dud in the end. In short, experienced men move things forward quickly (especially sexually because they know if they don't pin her down soon, another man will). Where a man's true mastery comes in is how he is able to move her in the direction that she is comfortable with and that is reasonable according to that specific girl he is with (some girls are okay with a guy being straightforward and 1st date sex, others prefer to wait for many dates).

This is where "game," charm, and social skills kick in and unfortunately unless he is a natural people person, most men have to go through trial and error to reach a point where they have abundance with women, but as I said, only 10% of men reach this point.

The point of this is to understand that experienced men don't trust a woman's word, but trusts her actions and try to move things forward sexually quickly because the woman may not see him as dominant or confident and/or another guy would eventually pin her down, but as I said, his "game" or mastery will be determined to how he can read you and the situation on whether to back off or move things forward.

Lastly, to your personal situation, it's more likely that these guys you are meeting up with are possibly desperate and/or just testing the waters with you. Be happy that he's trying to move things forward - if I were a woman, I'd find it weird if he did not and may see it that may be he isn't into me? Unfortunately, women are tired of being seen as sex objects all the time and most men don't understand this because it is VERY RARE that women approach men since it is the job of the man to do so. Men need to get to know the girl first, treat as a human being, then try to move her if she wants to as well. Women have all sort of "tests" to weed out weak or desperate men (FYI, do NOT go overboard with these "shit tests" because nowadays, I just drop females who do this because I'm not into girls, I'm into woman).

rjroy3 · Answer

" EVERY GUY I've been on a date with has ended up stearing or attempting to stear the conversation towards a sexual note."

My dear. If they didn't, then they simply aren't trying to be with you lol. You want them to be a bit sexual. I can understand wanting to avoid outright sexting, but you're saying that you're cutting things off before it comes to that. So anything sexual they say leads to you shutting it down. Instead of avoiding all sexuality. Simply limit how much you're ok with so he knows. Rather than talking them in a way that is like "HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME?". Just appreciate some sexual tone to the conversation and if he says something that's a little too far, then let him know so he can reel it back a bit.

You want a guy that is trying, but who is also cognizant of how you're feeling about what he's doing.

TheWolfLady87 · Answer

1st things first.
If you're sending them pictures - or have pictures on your what's app, etc. - like on your GAG profile expecting them to stay away from sexual conversations is like expecting the sun not to rise. I mean your photo is not revealing, but its sexual regardless.

2ndly
If you're not curbing their behavior when it starts to swing sexually then don't cry when it becomes more blatant and obvious. I mean only a clown can't tell the difference between banterish flirting and flirting that is sexual in nature.

ProbablyTooMature · Answer

If EVERY guy has, you should reevaluate the guys you're picking.

Plus, if they're doing that and you're not okay with it... Why the fuck are you continuing to talk to them and meet up with them? You under some false impression that they'll change?

Also, steering... Not stearing.

Cosytoasty · Answer

Relax, sexual attraction is an important part of dating for most guys. You have to realise that confidence in asking women out on a date goes hand-in-hand with sexual confidence too.

I will say this as fact, if a guy doesn't have sex on his mind with a woman, he doesn't want a relationship with her, period. Now, if you want less... forward guys you will have to approach the shy ones and ask them out yourself - there is nothing stopping you from approaching first.

DeeDeeDeVour · Answer

You probably have been projecting an aura of being picky and anti-fuckboy, anti-player. Some of those interested in you feel challenged and want to break your barrier to soften you up and be more open-minded & accommodating before that first date.

jamesma87 · Answer

I think a lot of guys make have conversations with sexual tones but if you steer the conversation away or ignore, the guy should pick up on it and adjust accordingly.

If every conversation ends up leading to sex talk and sexting then he's probably got his mind on one thing of course.

likitb4istickit · Answer

Most guys are horny all the time. Though sexting before even knowing nothing more than a girl's name is weird to me (then again I'm old school) it's probably normal. It would probably be abnormal (ie a guy that doesn't like sex for weird reasons like religion) if they didn't.

Negrodamuss · Answer

Well, you're foxy, so I don't particularly blame them... however there's little you can do to screen guys beforehand like that, and tbh I don't know why you would. You'll either end up with guys who are too sexual, or guys too afraid to make any sort of moves at all... and trust me, the no moves guys will quickly start annoying you more than the sexual ones

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

I've never texted someone before a FIRST date and tried to make the conversation sexual. I've also rarely texted before a first date, because unless there's some covid shutdown or something, I'm not planning first dates weeks down the road.

Truthatanycost · Answer

'I work super hard to stay away from fuckboys and players.' That won't make much difference if your still attracted to them (or some of their traits) and 90% of the guys out there are them.

jshm2 · Answer

You're either naïve, or totally clueless.

The WHOLE point of texting up to the date is to get the other side to put out, or pull out, so there is no time wasting.

You are clearly time wasting and after a pen pal, not a partner,

fsu19 · Answer

It's how you look. It could be how you dress and if you're famous for sleeping with other guys etc. A lot of hot women are also promiscuous so it's probably an assumption.

jman46241 · Answer

I hope this doesn't sound fucked, but the more you try to steer clear, the more guys are going to try.. There is no pattern nor path you can take to make sure you are meeting the right guy.

Anonymous · Answer

If they like you, they want to test the waters out on this matter. Its part of getting to know you better. Sexuality is part of you. They want to get a feeling for it beforehand to gage what they will or will not attempt on or after the date.

ArrowheadSW · Answer

This question goes back over one year. I wonder how it re-surfaced after that amount of time.

Anonymous · Answer

Why are you texting so much before the date? I don't text much at all in general, because I would prefer face-to-face conversations. Texting just leads to disaster because there is no tone, there is no facial expression, there is nothing to clue a person in on the attitude behind the text. Texting is just bad all around but especially if you don't know the person very well yet.

TheThingALing · Answer

Probably to set the expectation that they taking you out for sex

Anonymous · Answer

Well if you say guys ALWAYS try to sext before the first date then you aren't staying away from fuckboys and players are you?

jeffend888 · Answer

Being 27 years old, you're clearly looking in the wrong place for men. Most women your age are settled by now.

Why do guys ALWAYS try to sext me before the first date?

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