Genuinely curious about this. I see on here a lot of responses to questions about people being used and tossed aside in relationships, especially women askers, and the responses tend to be, "Well, it's your fault. You should've seen the signs." Do you really believe the victim is more at fault than the liar?
I'm not talking about people who did see the signs and ignored them. I'm talking about ones who genuinely didn't see or recognize the signs of a user/abuser until they got dumped or ghosted or something like that.
- It's more the victim's fault. They should learn to recognize the signs.5%(4)7%(10)Vote9%(6)
- It's more the user's fault. Stop being an ass.68%(50)60%(82)Vote50%(32)
- They're both equally at fault.27%(19)33%(45)Vote41%(26)
Most Helpful Guy
"Fool me once; shame on you.
Fool me twice; shame on me."
So, the user is first at fault. Later, it becomes the used because they didn't learn from their experience or are knowingly letting themselves be used..1
Most Helpful Girl
I was in an abusive relationship and I can tell you, it is the abuser's fault. I didn't always think this way, when I was in the relationship I truly believed I was the one at fault. I couldn't do anything right, I was worthless, there was something severely wrong with me for not being able to fulfill my partners wishes and that's why I deserved the abuse. I truly believed all of this because I was manipulated into thinking this way. Of course, I didn't recognize the signs because in the relationship I believed that I was the problem and that I was too daft and naive to understand what I was doing wrong. My abuser was always in the right, every word was like gospel to me. I thought my abuser loved me and was doing this for my best, so I could change and stop being so sensitive. When you're in an abusive relationship, you are incapable of thinking rationally because your abuser is essentially thinking for you. They know what's best, they have a reason, they love me and are doing this for my own good. I used to thank my abuser after I got a verbal or physical lashing, "thank you for putting me in my place" "thank you for pointing out my faults". Each day is a struggle for acceptance, a struggle for them to look at you and tell you that you did well. Of course there were times when I was on cloud 9 and felt truly loved. Those times became fewer and fewer and I felt as though it was my fault. "What am I doing wrong? Why won't they look at me that way anymore?" You want to see their smile again, you want them to treat you like before and every time you get a glimpse, your hope grows and you feel as though things will return. They will finally approve of you. It's a very twisted situation and no one will be able to understand until they are in the victim's shoes. I tried everything, I submitted completely, I threw away my life, my friends, my family, for my abuser. I lived solely for them and would have died for them without hesitation. I was very young and didn't understand anything, I grew up being sheltered and also abused by my father, so abuse was normal for me. Abuse is a cycle, when things were good.. they were amazing enough for me to hold on to and to think about until the next time I would be treated with a bit of decency. I really thought that they were trying to change me for the better, so I put all my effort into trying to be perfect for them. Just to see them smile was enough. Just to be accepted was all I ever wanted.0
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