If someone is used or mistreated by a person they're dating, is it the victim or users fault?


If someone is used or mistreated by a person they're dating, is it the victim or users fault?

Genuinely curious about this. I see on here a lot of responses to questions about people being used and tossed aside in relationships, especially women askers, and the responses tend to be, "Well, it's your fault. You should've seen the signs." Do you really believe the victim is more at fault than the liar?


I'm not talking about people who did see the signs and ignored them. I'm talking about ones who genuinely didn't see or recognize the signs of a user/abuser until they got dumped or ghosted or something like that.

  • It's more the victim's fault. They should learn to recognize the signs.
    5% (4)9% (6)7% (10)Vote
  • It's more the user's fault. Stop being an ass.
    68% (50)50% (32)60% (82)Vote
  • They're both equally at fault.
    27% (19)41% (26)33% (45)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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What Guys Said 28

  • It's not so black and white as "one person's fault". It's both of their fault but, perhaps, not equally. The first or second instance of abuse is always the abuser's fault but, beyond that, the fault shifts more toward the victim for allowing it to continue. Whether or not it's *more* one person's fault over another is subjective.

    The abuser is always at fault but the victim plays a part after the first few instances of abuse by sticking around.

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    • 16d

      I know it's not black and white. That's why the poll asks if it's MORE the users fault or MORE the victims fault.

    • 16d

      I wasn't accusing you of anything. No need to be defensive. It was just a general statement that it's not a black or white situation. My apologies, if I've come across in a hostile manner.

    • 16d

      I didn't think you were accusing me, I just thought maybe you didn't notice that I had that word in there. Sorry! Didn't mean to make it sound like I was offended.

  • Does "fault" mean that someone had an opportunity to prevent something bad from occurring but they failed to take action and the bad thing occurred? If so, then most bad things that happen in relationships involve fault on the part of both parties. Example: Married an alcoholic and he became abusive? Alcoholic is at fault but you should not have married an alcoholic.

    In the above example, the alcoholic probably shoulders more of the responsibility because they have the last - and most direct - opportunity to avoid the bad behavior. However, focusing on how your partner was at fault is rarely useful because you usually can't change someone else's behavior. But you can change your own behavior. You can look for the warning signs of a person being an alcoholic and avoid those relationships.

    So. . . people focus on your behavior not because your degree of fault is greater but because it indicates the area that YOU can control to improve your life.

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  • The first time it's the abuser's fault.

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  • Sure it's not the victim's 'fault.' But they were kidding themselves. They knew, all along, that they were being abused, and that it would only get worse with time.

    But they preferred to overlook that, for a myriad of reasons. If stupidity or avarice motivated them I suppose you could say that was their 'fault.' In a sense...

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  • "Fque you over once, they're the ass. But fque you over twice and you are the ass."

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  • It's the abuser's fault that they're being abusive.
    It's the victim's fault that they're dealing with it.

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  • It's both, but obviously more the user's fault.

    I don't think there is ever an excuse to not recognise the signs. Usually it's women who open up and commit to a guy far too early, they don't value themselves enough to play hard to catch. Ergo they fall for players.

    I've know this for a fact, because I've done it when I was younger.

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  • "Fool me once; shame on you.
    Fool me twice; shame on me."

    So, the user is first at fault. Later, it becomes the used because they didn't learn from their experience or are knowingly letting themselves be used..

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  • I think both. It's not nice to do that to a person but every person is responsible for their own life. If things like this happen to someone then it's up to them to stand up and say I'm out of here I won't take this. If you keep taking it then it's just as much your fault. Don't take shit from others that's important.

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  • mostly the user but a victim shouldn't let themselves be treated that way

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  • People make mistakes. It's the users fault, doing it on purpose.

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  • It depends what the user is doing and how aware the victim is really. If a victim has red flags in front of their face or has a history of experiencing bad things with the user then yes it is their fault for allowing it to happen, but of course the user is still at fault for doing said actions.

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  • Really both are at fault particularly if its an addictive relationship. Where both parties need one another 100% of the time.

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  • nobody is responsible for the abuse that is given to then. If some of these people think about someone that they love unconditionally, and that person was abused. no way would they say it's your fault you were accused. It's your fault you were raped. It's your fault he called you out your name. It's your fault he hit you. not at all. some people don't have the courage or heart to run away and most need help. If it's her or his fault they are being abused then if you know about it and don't intervene it's your fault also... yes or no?

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  • Obviously, when someone does wrong that person is to blame.
    The other could be called "blind" but unfortunately love makes one blind :-(

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  • Both, But the abuser is always more to blame then the abused. Unless he/she keeps going back or falling for the same abusive patterns over and over again.

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  • The user's fault at first for doing it, and then the victim's fault for allowing it to continue.

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  • They're both equally at fault the victims fault for letting people push them around and having low selfesteem and the users fault for being such a piece of shit.

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  • It's societies fault, ultimately parents and church.

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  • in the American constitution exist a phrase that says that stupidity is not an excuse... that should answer pretty clear

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  • We all have to take responsibility for ourselves and our poor choices. Too often in todays society people act like victims. Im tired of women dating different bastards that treat thrm badly and act the victim.

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  • There is nothing wrong with being alone.

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  • The victim is to blame if he or she keeps coming back to the abuser after having been abused and left the abuser or having been abused and the abuser leaves.

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  • It's more the users fault

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  • The victim gets some blame if he/she allows it to continue.

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  • The person being abused did not make the abuser be like that but they had the choice to leave

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  • Every situation is different I guess...

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  • victim duhhh

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What Girls Said 16

  • It's definitely the user's fault. Many people who use others often go in under false pretenses and can act very well.

    The signs are not always there, even if people want to think so.

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  • In most cases it's the " users" fault. People who use others are often sociopaths or have sociopathic tendencies. They are usually perceptive and and manipulative people. They seek out vulnerable people who they know will be easily manipulated

    People who are being used usually can't see see through the users manipulative ways. It's only the vicitins fault if they KNOW they are being used and allow it to continue

    . They should cut contact with the person who is using them , but if that's not possible they should be less resourceful so the person realises they can't use them anymore. In most cases, the user will move onto a more resourceful victim

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  • Unfortunately, there will be people who don't have the gift of discernment, don't know when to listen to their gut, or correctly analyze a situation. Some people are naive and some people are not easily fooled. It all has to do with life experiences and how they were raised. If a person was never put to the test, such as having many relationships, or has been sheltered, then they may not be able to read people well. There are also people who just wish to believe in the best of people.

    For these reasons, I can never blame the victim, becuase that's given a pass to the person who did the dirty deed and is truly at fault. Every human being should be treated with respect, and every human being SHOULD respect, unless somebody is just so bad they don't deserve respect. But unfortunately, there will be lousy people in the world.

    For those that do repeatedly put themselves in the situation, they can't complain.

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  • I was in an abusive relationship and I can tell you, it is the abuser's fault. I didn't always think this way, when I was in the relationship I truly believed I was the one at fault. I couldn't do anything right, I was worthless, there was something severely wrong with me for not being able to fulfill my partners wishes and that's why I deserved the abuse. I truly believed all of this because I was manipulated into thinking this way. Of course, I didn't recognize the signs because in the relationship I believed that I was the problem and that I was too daft and naive to understand what I was doing wrong. My abuser was always in the right, every word was like gospel to me. I thought my abuser loved me and was doing this for my best, so I could change and stop being so sensitive. When you're in an abusive relationship, you are incapable of thinking rationally because your abuser is essentially thinking for you. They know what's best, they have a reason, they love me and are doing this for my own good. I used to thank my abuser after I got a verbal or physical lashing, "thank you for putting me in my place" "thank you for pointing out my faults". Each day is a struggle for acceptance, a struggle for them to look at you and tell you that you did well. Of course there were times when I was on cloud 9 and felt truly loved. Those times became fewer and fewer and I felt as though it was my fault. "What am I doing wrong? Why won't they look at me that way anymore?" You want to see their smile again, you want them to treat you like before and every time you get a glimpse, your hope grows and you feel as though things will return. They will finally approve of you. It's a very twisted situation and no one will be able to understand until they are in the victim's shoes. I tried everything, I submitted completely, I threw away my life, my friends, my family, for my abuser. I lived solely for them and would have died for them without hesitation. I was very young and didn't understand anything, I grew up being sheltered and also abused by my father, so abuse was normal for me. Abuse is a cycle, when things were good.. they were amazing enough for me to hold on to and to think about until the next time I would be treated with a bit of decency. I really thought that they were trying to change me for the better, so I put all my effort into trying to be perfect for them. Just to see them smile was enough. Just to be accepted was all I ever wanted.

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    • 15d

      I was completely blinded, completely wrapped up in this seemingly never-ending cycle. Only until I was broken up with and stopped seeing my abuser every day did I begin to understand what really happened. During the relationship my clinical depression was at it's worst and I also started having panic attacks nearly every day. I would self harm and attempted to take my life a few times, so clearly I was not in the right state of mind to be able to think rationally about my situation. I was in love with who I knew within the first 4 months of the relationship, and I held on to that perception of this person for the next 3 years. I thought if I left them that I would have no reason for living, that I was only a human being while I was with them. I was cheated on several times and just wanted to be enough for this person. In the beginning they would tell my how perfect I am, how there was no one better than me, their honeyed words entranced me and for the first time made me feel wanted.

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    • 15d

      Simply put, victims of abuse are not only unaware of the severity of their situation, but so insecure, self-deprecating, brainwashed, and manipulated that they are unable to think like a rational human being. They are a shell of who they used to be and are completely entangled in their life of abuse. They are so far within their abuser's grasp that most likely the only thing that could get them out of it is a severely traumatic experience or complete separation from their abuser. No human being deserves abuse and the only one to blame is the abuser for tricking them into this cycle and in a way, locking them into a cage that only they have the key to.

    • 15d

      Also being abused almost made me feel special. I saw a side of them no one else got to see, I knew them better than anyone, or so I thought. I was their comfort zone, their "doll" to let out all their pain and stress on. They seemed so grateful that I was so accepting even though they had "anger issues"(most likely they were psychopathic or sociopathic), that I could love them unconditionally and be there for them wholeheartedly. Of course, this was all a ruse. I know now that this person never loved me, cared for me and only used me for their sick satisfaction. Despite all this, I don't regret any of it. I am a completely different person.. I have changed for the better and have matured immensely. I have finally been able to love and accept myself. Even though I went through hell, I came out a stronger person and I wouldn't trade this "new" me for all the wonderful experiences in the world.

  • It is an equal fault. No, you didn't ask the person to abuse you the first time, but allowing abusive behavior to continue to you, and especially your children, is your fault.

    It is the abuser's fault to abuse another; it is the victim's fault to allow it to continue.

    This is when it comes to adults. Abusing children doesn't count because they don't know they should defend themselves and often can't.

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  • Its more so the users fault. And let me explain why. When you first meet a guy and he appears to me kind, generous, good sense of humor and he shows no signs that he is abusive and a cheater. You tend to go with that and run with it. Most women want to believe that the guy their dating is a good guy. But down the line some men do change. They text and call less, show you less attention, may get online and flirt with other women. These are the things that you didn't know about at first. Its kind of like he led you on. So no I would not place blame on the female because their were NO signs. But if she keeps going back to a man that cheats and who is constantly abusive. Its just isn't worth it.

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    • 16d

      There are signs but women don't know how to pick up on them.

  • It's the abusers fault. Like does the victim move the abuser's mouth and make words come out? Do they control the abuser's limbs and make them hurt the victim?

    It is always ALWAYS the abuser's fault.

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  • I have a tough time understanding a victim not knowing they're being abused.
    Based on the headine I'd say it's initially the abusers fault but if it continues it's the victims AND that victims support group. (friends, family, neighbors) For not getting out.

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  • When you do not side with the victim, you side with the abuser. That is my attitude. There is NO EXCUSE for belittling, demeaning, bullying or emotionally/physically abusing ANYONE! And that attitude should be adopted by everyone. But it isn't, sadly.

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  • When i was young, i had a boyfriend who was mentally and emotionally abusive, he used to call me retard, ditz, and "you dont know what your talking about " a lot of the time (this was after he stole my virginity ). I was young, too trusting and wanting to get married and have kids. that never happened. Then i slept with a guy who fucked a girl with Aids, we broke up when his mother died. He would call me nasty names as well and was one of the friends of my first ex. After that i dated my ex husband for about a year and things turned around until he found someone else and treated me like crap. I asked my mom why men treat me the way they did and she said "its because you are such a nice person" but really it was probably because o was too open, . i still blame those people for hurting me

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  • As someone who comes from abuse and no longer tolerates it, It's both the fault of the victim and abuser if it keeps happening. If you see something doesn't enrich your life and add to the quality of your life, stop doing it, stop enabling it.

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  • It's the users fault. It's not fair to blame the victim and this blaming is the reason why so many people are afraid to speak out.

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  • I like this one..

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  • Uh no what kinda dumbass ducking question is this? It's never the victim'a fault-they are a VICTIM for a reason, it's the fucking abuser's fault for fucking treating them like shit when they should know better. Nothing personal, I have no patience for these kinda questions, however this must be understood.

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  • its the user's faults... victims can't really see the truth cause they're fooled by the liar

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  • it s both fault lol

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