Have you ever been in a toxic relationship?

I didn't realise until it was over. I reflected on how I felt after every time we met. Drained... was the only word I could find.
Anyone else experienced something similar?

  • Yes
    69% (55)64% (28)67% (83)Vote
  • No
    31% (25)36% (16)33% (41)Vote
And you are? I'm a GirlI'm a Guy

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What Guys Said 17

  • My last relationship was a nightmare - I know the feeling "Drained" so well - Due to the complications of the relationship, it hit me on so many levels - Emotionally, physically, financially, mental health etc - I actually ended up physically sick from the stress - It has been over 5 years now, I love the idea of an relationship but I am just so wary of going back in after last experience - I was about two years recovering physically, 3 years emotionally/mentally and 5 years financially.

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    • 14d

      So tragic and unfair. I sincerely hope you're doing well.

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    • 13d

      @TuMeManques I don't put all the blame on myself or her in this situation - You can't make somebody fall in love with you - It would have crashed and burned even harder at a later stage - She had to learn how to fight her own demons - I had a lot of demons to fight myself without taking on hers as well, in hind sight my main thing with her is that she didn't want to fight, she wanted me to do all the fighting - Who knows we might have stayed together if she tried to fight with me but maybe that would have still have made it a crap relationship - I have some regrets but overall I know I did right thing walking away - The love thing probably sounds the worst on paper but I think it was being in a relationship with 30 year old who acted not much older than her 10 year old daughter that was the most draining.

    • 13d

      I understand that bit about fighting for it all too well.

  • Unfortunately it was my longest relationship so far. I was going to break it off but she convinced me to keep it going for a while but nothing changed so I broke it off later.

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  • No not that I can think of.

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  • Yes and the sad part is, I still grieve for her. Even after 10 years. I really thought she was the one. She thought the same with me. Unfortunately, she has BPD. The fighting was terrible. The mental insanity drew it to a brink. She nearly killed herself once. When we broke up, I wanted her back so bad that I enlisted the help of my now ex best friend to help me recover her. He ended up dating her a week later. They are now married living in Atlanta with two kids. There isn't one day the whole story doesn't replay in my mind. I'm still piecing it all together. I've had many relationship since then that were just as bad but that particular one, just won't leave my mind. As the years went on and relationships continued to fail, I just gave up for good. I now just have a created image of my ideal woman in my mind. Of course I realize it isn't real. The image can't hurt me. That's all I need. I know this all sounds pathetic and it is. To think I use to do teen modeling in Kmart and Sears clothing catalogs. The saga of this went on from 2006 to 2009. She even pops up time to time now. I'm emotionally dead inside from the entire experience. It's too late for me but for others, it's not. Just evaluate the situation better than I did...

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    • 4d

      Friendship betrayal is something I personally find it hard to recover from. My ex was sleeping with one of my friends whilst we were dating. The fury I held for both made it hard to suppress. Which is also why it took MUCH longer to get over. Feel the same with you... if they hadn't started a life together, I assume you'd have been over it long ago. But how could they do that to you, right?

  • My last and only real relationship was.

    She treated me so badly and misunderstood me constantly and called me bad things and because of this literally lied to her friends and family, telling them wrong things and basically ruined my character, I doubt if they can ever look at me the same way again because of her.

    I couldn't see this until she left me, I was blinded by love and so optimistic to her. I really dedicated myself to her and treated her very reasonable. But she got angry at me so often and for no reason, I nearly always apologized to her just to clam her down, and as far as I can remember she only apologized openly to me two times.

    It was first after I told about this to my friends and family I realized she was horrible to me. They all said she was way below my standards and I was way too good of a guy for her, and that it wasn't normal for someone to get that often angry in a new relationship.

    I'm moving on now with hope and faith, but still the memories are everlasting.

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    • 12d

      My memories linger too. Yet I never let them get the best of me anymore. Haven't dropped a tear for them in over 6 months.

  • Yup. The first girl that I lived with when I was 20-22ish. Nucking futz. People say you should try to work through everything... no, sometimes you just shouldn't.

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    • 12d

      Correct. Sometimes you just shouldn't.

  • Fortunately not.

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  • Friendship-wise yes. It was a classmate and he was the most depressing person you'll ever meet. Just being around him just drained me. I could not have a happy moment around him. If I did he made sure that I didn't.

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    • 12d

      It's very important to eliminate friendships if they drain you. Cut all ties if its dragging you down :) my brother never fails to mention the 'vibes' he gets from certain people.. and the more negative they feel the less he communicates with them.

  • Nope. Never been in one period :)

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  • Depends how you look at it. Some things are fixable even if toxic.

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    • 14d

      But some people aren't.

  • I think most were toxic unfortunately.

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    • 14d

      I hope you find better.

  • *Insert some shitty smartass joke I would say*

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  • Nope and I never will be because I'm asexual/aromantic.

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  • Sometimes you only realise how toxic someone is when you take a break and breathe some fresh air.

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  • Yes for a while my wife snd I had a very toxic relationship after our first marriage probably because she was still in her teens and shit testing me, I didn't know what to do until my Dad told me how to get her under control by spanking her. I only spank my wife to discipline her when she misbehaves or is abusive. The last time I had to my wife called bastard and tried to slap me over something petty. I handled it by putting her across my knee, lifting her skirt, pulling down her underwear and slapping her behind with the flat of my hand as hard as I could repeatedly for five minutes until her ass was red raw. She cried and was still mad but calmed down when I said id give her some more and she ran off to her parents. She later came and apologised and admitted she was was wrong and deserved what she got, I guess her folks set her straight. We had amazing make up sex and she was able to sit down again normally without soreness a few days after. She has been as good as gold since, id recommend it to any man who's woman isn't acting right.

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    • 12d

      No offence, but I think you need help. Marriage isn't about 'controlling' your spouse... and for once to seek control so adamantly... you probably have issues with your personality traits. Not sure if this is real or taking the piss, but still.

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    • 9d

      And you don't think that you spanking her is "abusive behavior"?

    • 9d

      @GuitarPlayerMan no but it corrected her abusive toxic behaviour.

  • yes and i didn't realize it until i left it

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    • 12d

      Just like me.

    • 12d

      kinda sucks huh?

  • Not a relationship, but I've most definitely dated people who were toxic. A few months ago I dated a girl that was very cute and had a lot in common with me. She wasn't perfect but definitely my type if that makes sense.

    We had an amazing first date but for 3 weeks till our 2nd date, she was blowing hot and cold consistently and it messed me up. Then she revealed she just got out of a 5 year relationship a few weeks prior to seeing me. It scared me because I liked her and took it VERY slow because I was worried if she saw any slight interest, she'd leave. Shed text and communicate through social media but when I'd ask her out, she'd say maybe only to flake and never reschedule then after 3 weeks, she finally asks me out again. The 2nd date was great and she started showing more interest afterwards then act hot and cold. Last time I saw her, I found out she was playing me and it hurt like hell and she ditched me.

    This was more of a headache than fun. Made me realize, no matter how much you like a person or how much you have in common, never overlook or ignore red flags.

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    • 14d

      That's kind of what people do in this day and age nowadays. Its a real shame.

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    • 14d

      It's been really hard to get over and it's affected my mental and physical health. Even though I've seen other women since, it still lingers in my mind. I feel like a psycho. ☹️️

    • 13d

      No, I'm exactly the same. Still don't understand why it lingers... but its there.

What Girls Said 19

  • yup. My previous relationship was the definition of toxic.
    In the end, I felt drained, like a shell of myself. As terrible as that sounds, though, I'm glad that everything happened as it did nonetheless. I learned an incredible amount of things about myself, what I want in life/a partner, a much better way to navigate future relationships and/or issues that may arise while I'm still in them. Many lessons that I don't think I ever would have learned if not for my ex and what I experienced during that whole relationship, as well as in the aftermath of it.

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    • 14d

      100% agree. I learned a lot. Both 'bout myself and about the world we live in.

  • I can totally relate to that. Drained was definitely a feeling, so was hurt & confused & just crazy. About 2 & 1/2 years ago, I fell really hard for the wrong person. Everyone else could see how wrong he was for me & warned me constantly. But I didn't listen. Because I was the "Love conquers all!" type girl. I ended up marrying him, because he proposed & I thought that meant he would change. I thought it showed how much he actually loved me. But it was just a title to him, another sense of control. I kept telling myself that since he never hit me, things weren't that bad. I was just overreacting. But calling me names, constantly lying to me, making me feel guilty for my feelings being hurt, etc. All of that is TOXIC & ABUSE. I divorced him back in May & I'm happy to say I've found real love with a man who is unbelievably kind to me. More than I could ever imagine for myself.

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    • 14d

      I'm glad you found serenity in a new found love. Its what I look forward to the most :)

    • 13d

      It happens when you least expect it, trust me. :)

  • Yes 100%
    It's literally the most helpless yet addicting feeling. It's a cycle you really need to work hard to get out of because it's just not healthy for you. I find that by completely removing them out of my life and leaving no possible way of them contacting me again is the best way to go. In the end, we deserve to be loved and be in healthy satisfying relationships.

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    • 14d

      Couldn't have worded it any better myself.

  • Hearing you use the word "drained" really struck a cord for me. My first boyfriend and I were similar emotionally but totally incompatible in our opinions, views, and life goals. I think I sensed early on that he wasn't totally right for me, but we were insanely codependent and didn't want to lose each other, so we tried for way too long to make it work. I didn't want to break up with him, but I was always upset and grumpy when we spent time together, and I'd feel relieved and exhausted when we parted ways. It wasn't until long after our breakup that I realized how different it is to be with someone who is actually right for you, and part of that was realizing that spending time with the right person isn't draining, exhausting, and stressful.

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    • 13d

      I understand the whole not wanting to let go thing, despite knowing he wasn't the one. Was the same for me too, in a way. Hope you're feeling better now.

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    • 8d

      yes I have but he has said this "he isn't perfect, I married him so deal with it" and "he is tired of listening to me complain about him, he feels like he is walking on egg shells with me, he just wants to be himself so leave him alone" and "why am I so mean and judgmental and always picking on him" and so on and so forth. We have tried marriage counseling and marriage conferences where i signed us up and got a baby sitter and everything (I do the work, he just complains) and he complains the entire time! I wanted us to have a quality time together so I booked us a trip together and the entire time and even today he blames me for having us go there, and says it wasn't even his idea and he just mentioned it once... pretty much he wants to blame me for everything. so annoying

    • 8d

      @HOAAH That sounds extremely frustrating. If you want to take another stab at communicating, my best advice is to think carefully about how you approach the topic. Sometimes coming across as accusatory can just make people feel defensive and inhibit communication even further. If you try talking to him again, focus on what you need rather than what he's doing wrong. Let him know that relationships require effort and compromise, and ask him to work with you to improve your relationship in ways that will make BOTH of you happier. If he's still totally unresponsive, then unfortunately you might be better off moving on.

  • I think I am in one right now but I can't point my finger on it as to why.
    We don't have money problems.
    We are not cheating on each other.
    I think we both just have a bad "mentality", like I am assuming too much and he is angry and complaining too much.
    He gets angry and complains about EVERYTHING, every little thing he will sit and complain for hours and hours and HOURS every thing he has to say is a complaint. That's just what it is, reacting, complaining and pointing figures and sounding EXTREMELY annoyed. EVERYTHING.
    Me... I think too much and because I asked him to pay the bills I think he doesn't want to because he has never asked to pay one EVER or asked if I need help with it EVER even when I ask him to. One time I asked him to and he just made it worse, he logged out of our account and couldn't log in for days. I ASSUME that he doesn't want to help me with the bills and refuse to let him anymore. He'll just RUIN everything.
    If I ask him to help clean, he does everything wrong. Like stacks the dishwasher so incorrectly that I have to redo all the dishes the next day. If I ask him to go grocery shopping with a list, he will pick up things that aren't even on the list spend 200$ and buy nothing important. It's baffling but the thoughts in my head says "Don't ask him to do anything, he'll just make things worse for you and make things hard and he wont' even do what he was asked to do even though he says yes, he will complain the entire time!"
    Also... in our relationship I have ZERO trust in him that he wants to help out to make my life easier. I have to rely fully on myself and God to give me the strength to do everything. I can't rely on him for NOTHING. I do EVERYTHING in our relationship while he does everything to make our relationship BAD. I can't explain it. I try so hard to save money, while he is trying so extremely hard to spend money. I am reading self help books on how to be a better person while he does not and day after day becomes a more angry, complaining, unappreciative, arrogant, selfish guy.

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    • 4d

      Maybe he's depressed or deeply tired of things too? Or maybe he's just lazy.
      To me, it seems like maybe somehow you've both forgotten how to connect with one another. Hope you're okay

  • Nope.

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    • 14d

      Hope things remain that way.

  • Yes. I felt more and more depressed and tired. I was feeling tired for wanting to be perfect for him. One day I just realized how not perfect is him for me and how I don't even love him at all. Am advice: if anyone asks you to change, think and consider if you really want that change. If not, move on.
    It was a weird experience for me. To be completely unaware of my feelings. But I learned something from this so it's ok. :)

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    • 14d

      I had the same realisations but because he was my first 'love' I think I may have had more difficulties getting through to myself. Eventually did. After being completely broken and taken for granted I say and reflected on how I actually felt. Being completely alien to my feelings was very unusual for me. I think I learned more about who I am from the experience.

    • 14d

      Very good. At least we learned something :)

  • Yes I have been, and I can relate to the word
    " drained"... emotionally drained.

    I'd never stay in a toxic like that again. Experiences in life make you wiser and past relalationships teach you what you don't want or need in your life

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  • I don't think I've ever been in a toxic relationship, thank goodness. The only relationship I've been in, we broke it off just because we felt like we just were not the best people for each other. We wanted different things for our lives that weren't compatible. But he was a great guy and I had/have a lot of respect for him.
    Although, I have been in toxic friendships before that I've had to let go. It's always painful, but you really have to stop the cycle of unhealthiness.

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    • 4d

      Quite like your outlook. Had to let go of some friends too.

  • yes... it kills you slowly from the inside

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    • 14d

      Unfortunately. I was lost for months. Didn't think I'd ever recover... personally never been in a state of mind like that before. It was torture. But now I'm stronger than ever.

    • 13d

      i can totally relate to that :(

  • yup. several times.

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    • 12d

      Hopefully you'll find a new sense of happiness with someone new

    • 12d

      thanks. :D

  • If I ever feel like I'm in any kind of toxic or negative environment, I remove myself from the situation. That draining feeling is never something you want to have to put up with.

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    • 4d

      Continue doing so. :)

  • Thankfully, no.

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  • I'm in one now.

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  • Just got out of one.

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  • You have to relax. Try not to see him.

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    • 14d

      This isn't about how I feel. Just wondered if other people have experiences similar stuff.

  • I had I'm a clingy girl so I was thinking that a jealous / possessive guy would suit me but it doesn't. He was always accusing me of cheating on him and stalking me. It became creepy and I was so tired while being with him. Always have to dress in oversize clothes and if I let him he would have tied me to the bed without letting me go outside ever.

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    • 12d

      ... we'll I'm glad its over. Possessiveness is NEVER a good trait to have!

    • 12d

      Yeas, it look cute on tv but in real not so much. More creepy than anything

  • Some people can't say "you're fired"
    others want to hold onto a great deal until a better one shows up
    still others can't imagine going to all the trouble of getting a replacement when making/patching up seems easier

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    • 13d

      We all deal with things in a different way, I suppose.

  • Yes, so relieved when I ended it!

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    • 14d

      At first I couldn't accept it. But once all the ties were severed from me emotionally I blossomed once again.

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