He never offers to pay on our dates anymore and seems selfish sometimes...is it normal?

[Anonymous]

Hey guys,

I have been seeing this guy for 2 months now. The first few dates he offered to pay for a few things (although he never paid for the full date, if he got dinner I'd then buy us drinks or something like that.). I'm not the kind of girl to just sit back and expect the guy to pay for everything, I always offer to split from the very beginning, but I still think it's nice if he offers to pay, and I think the first few times the guy should always pay. I don't mind going halves more often than not but I still think he should offer to pay sometimes, especially since we've only been seeing each other for a short time. It just shows courtesy, it's more about the attitude and not the money.

Apart from the first few dates, he never offered anymore. He just assumes we'll go 50/50, I pull out my wallet and he gladly takes my half without saying a word (and sometimes even keeps the change). This wasn't bothering me that much until last week at the movies he turned to the guy at the counter and asked for ONE ticket. I took that as him making it very clear he was paying for his and I'd be paying for mine, but I thought it was very offensive since I have always been prepared to give him my half anyway, I thought asking for one ticket instead of two was just plain rude. Then we went to sushi and when the girl asked 'are you paying together or separate?' he straight out said 'separate please'. Why couldn't he have just said 'together' and I'd have given him my half? I have always offered to split, so I don't get why he felt the need to do that.

I want girls, but mostly guys to answer me: is this sort of behavior normal? is he just cheap?

He also takes me home from our dates every time we go out (I don't have a car) but he said the other day that sometimes he might make me take the bus home if my place is too out of the way. I then showed I was a bit shocked and he said he just disliked women assuming he'd always drive them home, and its been done to him in the past. I thought it was crazy, even my friends offer me a lift when we're out, I think if a guy and a girl are seeing each other and out on a date, he's driving and she's not, he should ALWAYS drive her home, no excuses! If I had a car and the guy didn't, I would gladly drive him home, I would NEVER ask him to take public transport!

Am I overreacting here? He always seemed like a nice guy but now he's showing really weird/selfish behavior, and I don't know what to think. I don't wanna waste my time with someone who is just not willing to do nice things for me, because I'm the kind of girlfriend that always bends over backwards to keep her man happy.

Any insight is appreciated.

[Spikes105466]

Overreacting.

I always split half and half with any girl I take out. If it was going to be my future wife, then I beg to differ. I feel like women need to carry their own weight accordingly and it shouldn't shock you if the guy wants to pay separate.

The gesture of asking for one ticket or split tabs shouldn't be taken the way you see it. Isn't it easier to pay separate anyway instead of fussing around with change and having the hassle of putting half on the card then half in money or working out how much you owe him because you don't have change? The thought of it makes me cringe, its just easier. Also maybe you take forever to do so, I don't know I am just thinking here.

The car thing does sound a bit sketchy to be honest. I wouldn't want someone riding our dreaded bus system when I have a car. If I am financially cracked and gas money has been draining the bills, then I wouldn't consider it. Actually f*** that, if I really appreciated someone I wouldn't bring the thought of them riding the bus. Maybe it was in a joking connotation? But then again, driving someone place to place to place gets irritating because you are paying for it and it does get costly after a while. It's like a taxi drivers worst nightmare.

I would pass the other cheek but be more aware. If more things come out that show signs of being unappreciative then don't waste your time. If it is just one of those weird and unfrequent things, then don't take it too hard.

Yeah?

[Asker]

I never take forever to pay him my half, I always do it straight away. I don't expect him to pay for me, but I think it'd be nice if he did it every now and again, say, if we went to movies + dinner, he pays for the movie, then we split dinner, or something of that sort. I think it's a nice way to show a woman you appreciate her.

He wasn't joking about the car, he said he dislikes a woman assuming he'll drive them home every time, which to me shows he's a very selfish guys if he really means that.

[Spikes105466]

Just concerning his buying habits, he isn't husband material... Since I don't know your guys relationship regarding the bigger picture... Which is what you guys mean to each other. But since you are questioning this and this is a problem for you, then It seems you guys aren't really connected. If you want a husband then ditch him, otherwise don't see it so personal.

Because it sounds stupid to break up because he didn't pay or drive you around. You can say it was the gestures of it, but yeah.

[Spikes105466]

Actually reading back. I know If I really cared about someone, then I wouldn't consider saying the bus crap to my girl. I don't want to allow some chance of something bad to happen, I rather just drive her home and make sure she is alright. It is the protection side of a guy I suppose.

He doesn't seem to be doing that and that is questionable. To bring it up will cause uneeded drama... Its hard because I don't know your guys emotion, but if you want something serious, back out. Repetitive?

[Asker]

It's not 'driving me around' though - it's simply driving me back home from our dates. Is that really asking for much? When I'm with a guy I am the kind of girlfriend that will treat them like a king - cook for them, look after them, buy them something randomly just cause I know they like it etc - so is it really that much to ask for the guy to be a gentleman and drive me home or take me out and pay for it every once in a while?

[Asker]

Nope, not repetitive, I really appreciated your answers actually, it's nice to read the guys perspectives on things. I do want a serious relationship and we haven't officialized anything yet but he has said he wants commitment. He seems caring in one way (always texting/emailing) and reckless in others (like suggesting he'd make me take the bus home sometimes)

I suppose I just don't wanna waste my time with a guy that's not going to appreciate me.

[Spikes105466]

Haha, I need to find girls that can cook!

Yeah, if its after a date I would suggest driving you back home if you guys went out in a car in the first place. That is a bit weird and awkward....

Haha, if texting is his high points of showing care, then look out girl. I mean if he goes out of his way to do stuff for you... Then I would consider staying with him. But I mean you are questioning this display. That kind of shows you already have negative thoughts on this guy actually working.

Right?

[Spikes105466]

***"Yeah, if its after a date I would suggest driving you back home. Especially if you guys went out in a car in the first place. To not do so is a bit weird and awkward...."

[Asker]

Yeah...it's just that whenever I start seeing someone I always try to show I'm not a leech and always offer to split etc, but it seems guys take advantage of this and start thinking they don't need to treat me like a lady or be nice/do nice things for me. I am very independent but still like to be treated/looked after every once in a while.

I have been with guys in the past that were really unappreciative so I wanna make sure it doesn't happen again.

if I break up though...should I mention this?

[Spikes105466]

Yeah who doesn't like to be appreciated? Its good to see you like to carry your weight in a relationship, not so much fun if the partner isn't.

Regarding bringing it up.

Eh, I don't know. It isn't really necessary, unless you want some additional drama to the breaking up thing. I mean the only reason you would need to tell him is if you want him to succeed in the future. I don't particularly think arguing or talking about it would be something you would want to go through anyway, not fun.

[an0namoose]

I'd take the time to ask myself if I knew whether he might not have the money to spend. Being cheap is one thing, inability to cover it is another. I figure if he's actually in financial trouble at the moment you might cut him some slack.

My girlfriend and I have traded off on who does most of the date-financing over the years. Generally if I'm pretty well off at the moment I cover it. If I'm not and she is, then she gets it. If neither of us are, then we have to do some budgeting and figure out some cheaper ways to have fun together.

[Asker]

I get that, I know he's paying off his car loan at the moment, which is why I have always offered to split...it just bothers me that he is rude about it (like keeping the change, or asking for one ticket at the movies etc) - there's no need to act like that, since I have ALWAYS offered to split anyway. Even when he asked for 2 tickets, I'd always hand him the money for my half straight away.

[Beckat]

For me, having the guy pay for a date isn't really about the money, it's more that you are worth spending money on. The first date, I prefer him to pay. From then on, I'll offer and he can decide whether or not he wants to split it. I have no issue splitting the bill (or even playing the whole thing on occasion), but asking for separate checks is a bit odd. And the bus thing is jacked up, you are his date and he should make sure to get you home safely. One thing I've learned is that even guys that seem nice can be jerks. And unless you truly love him, you may want to move on. Hope this helps is any way.

[theyareallcrazy]

What does this guy do for a living?

I think the above is excessive, although acceptable. Except for making you ride the bus. That's rediculious.

Reading the others comments below, I noticed that you said that you always PROMPTLY offer your share. I'm very tight, financially, right now. And I have had that beef with my girlfriend. Check shows up, she stares into oblivion. I had the waiter/bartender my card. She stares into oblivion. She said "Well you paid so fast I didn't have the time to pull any money out." (she's cash-only, no cards) Well, "Pull some F-ing money out now?"

If the guy is running tight on money, I'd show a little compassion. I think you should bring the bus thing up. But if he's being your personal taxi all day long, I'd offer some cash to help with the cost for fuel.

[Anonymous]

women complaining 24/7 about wanting to be treated equally then expect the guy to pay for dates lol. if a girl doesn't want to pay half, that's the last time I'll be going out on a date with her. you have to realize you both probably make about the same income if you both have average jobs so one person completely paying for something when you are both partaking in the date doesn't make sense.

now for the first date, if I was the one who asked you out, of course I'd pay just because I was the one who asked you out in the first place. if the dates become regular though, better pay half. better expect to pay half

regarding the separate check. it's just easier to get two bills instead of splitting money. if he didn't say it in a mean tone then don't even worry about something so trivial.

regarding the bus comment. he's an asshole.

[FemWorship]

The honeymoon is over
The party is over
The romance & protectionist feelings dead
This road is getting rougher & soon the dead end sign will appear
Spend your money, time & energy, even thoughts completely on shopping for a replacement ASAP

When you ever get a car, you'll remember this advice... when your battery begins to go bad. Same thing. You got a poorly manufactured battery & these go bad fast.

[ArtDent]

Half is ideal as far as I am concerned