How to deal with an emotional unavailable person who you are in love with?

So me and this guy, we have amazing chemistry, we've been "dating" for two months, and by that I mean he calls me on the phone everyday, we go out for coffee, or just listen to some music in the car... just that. The thing is, he told me several times that he is not ready for a relationship, he has been on his own for a really long time and says that, due to past experiences/traumas, he is not ready to start a relationship.

What are your opinions on this? I respect him but I like him and I can't stop thinking about him. I am trying to just be friends.

Do you think he is playing me? That if he liked me enough, if I was enough, he would not be having this reaction?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • He must like you if he's calling you every day and wanting to hang out with you. the problem is not in that. Emotionally unavailable doesn't mean the guy won't like you or want to be around you. It means he can't fall in love. He can still feel attached, want to have sex and even want to move in with you, but he won't give is heart to you. if he's EU due to trauma, he may want to love you, but his past hurt won't allow it. it isn't something you can do anything about. He has to either get up and get professional help to get past this issue or actively find a way to move on from his past on his own. Neither is easy to do. Especially the former. Take it from someone who is also in love with a EU guy. Stop chasing him. Don't stop dating other guys and if you have too much time on your hands to where all you can do is torture yourself over him, find a new hobby or hang out more with other friends. Don't give him so much of your time. All you'll get from him is pain. I am still friends with my EU guy. I am there for him if he needs me ( he's still going through a divorce), but I won't chase him anymore and i won't give him so much of my time. I was getting to where I couldn't stand not hearing from him every day and not seeing him almost as often. i was ignoring other friends and i stopped doing other things i love. I finally realized it isn't worth my mental and physical health. It sucks, but you'll get to the point where you'll want/need more and he won't be able to give it. Who knows? Maybe if your time and companionship becomes harder to get, he'll realize he has to do something. If not, then you know you're saving yourself from a even bigger heart break down the road.

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    • 8d

      Your words spoke to me in a very clear and logical way. Thank you. I needed to read this. Everything makes sense.

    • 8d

      I am glad i could help. Take care of yourself first. Let's hope that both our guys come around and if not, that we find someone even better.

What Guys Said 3

  • For me, I've used the "I'm not ready for a relationship" line in the past with a girl I was getting familiar with only because I couldn't read her level of interest in me. Also, I was too scared to make a move because I could lose that awesome friendship I was building on... in the end, I was friend zoned and got nowhere...

    Moral is, don't wait. He's just as scared and confused about what's next as you are... test the waters with friendly touching (i. e. Brushing against him, or playfully grabbing his arm when he says something to make you laugh) if he recoils, he's honestly not ready for anything more (yet?). I'd wager he doesn't recoil, though... that would be your green light to look for an opportunity to land that first kiss with him... don't stress logistics by trying to communicate your way into a relationship with him... jump in feet first

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  • It could be he doesn't like you enough. It could also be that he's afraid that he likes you too much.

    As on how to deal with it, it depends on what you want. I'd advise you to tell him you like him, but you can't guarantee you'll be there if he ever gets ready. Then act depending on what he says.

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    • 10d

      Thank you for your advice. I once told him that I am starting to like him and he said that he was not ready, that he is damaged on the inside and is not ready to start any relationship. Once, when he was really said and I was trying to cheer him up, he said very seriously to me "I really, really like you... for real..."

      I just decided to try to act like a friend. But... it's hard, you know? I invited him a few times to be with me and he always acts busy. But keeps calling every day to see if I'm ok.

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    • 10d

      About the part I could not guaranteee I would be there, I did that, too. And he just told me he knew that. But he needed time. He was very depressed when we talked about it.

    • 10d

      In that case it might be best to look at this black and white: he is selfish. It's not about not being ready, we are never completely ready for anything life throws at us, it's about not wanting to try it.
      If i was in his shoes and i liked you a lot, i'd give you a fair warning. I'd say that i'm willing to try it if you are, but that it won't be your typical dating.

  • Hello. Can you please read my take?: www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a33332-how-why-i-became-a-mgtow

    Maybe he is on his way to MGTOW, or simply he is not ready for another relationship just yet. 😊

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What Girls Said 13

  • I am Sure you Have Heard this old Expression Here, Dear: Nothing for Sure but Death and Taxes.
    However, from Where I am sitting, I see a nice Blend where you both "Blend," and with Nursing and Nurturing Something Slow, One never knows.
    It's up to You if you like Him enough to Stay in the "Game," but I Believe he is Being an Honest John in his own Feelings, having Told you how he Feels, but his Actions are speaking Louder than his Other such Words. He cares about you.
    Not "Playing Me," but Someone, hun, such as this Cozy Cat, is Hard to Handle sometimes, so Patience is a Virtue with You. xx
    Staying friends? I see this is what the title is, Special ones, for Now anyways. xx

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  • Um, if he has past emotional trauma how does: "Do you think he is playing me? That if he liked me enough, if I was enough, he would not be having this reaction?" Be even a question/s? When you say this: I respect him but I like him and I can't stop thinking about him. I am trying to just be friends." The moment you said I respect him BUT... your not respecting him at all. YOU have to be the one to be responsible for your own feelings and emotions. This is why you're in love and don't love him. Because love is not selfish. What you're doing is selfish. But he is being very immature because if he really had all of these issues, then he shouldn't be dating anybody including you. My suggestion is to just pack your emotional bags and tell him thank you for a good time, and that your stepping OUT of this relationship. Why? Because you can't wait and you need somebody who is ready NOW, not later on.

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  • Guys are usually pretty blunt with their words. He said he's not interested in a relationship right now, and he meant that, for you. Whether he means it across the board to all the single ladies is up for debate. But you clearly have strong feelings, so I suggest you back away until they die down, or your get them into check. Stop seeing him, it's just going to get you more confused, and eventually hurt.

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  • Don't throw yourself at him to try to change his mind... and don't hang on to him for too long where you feel desperate! If a guy really loves you and value you he wouldn'tlet you slip away... Trust me I know :3 but if you guys are dating... doesn't that make this a relationship?

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  • I think he is genuinely afraid of getting hurt again and that is understandable. I don't think his unwillingness to commit has anything to do with how attractive or unattractive he finds you to be - and in fact he might be even more scared to commit to an attractive girl because the pain of being cheated on or mistreated might be greater. I would not take it personally but I would be aware that dating somebody who is afraid to commit might be toxic to me - up to you whether you think he will change or whether you want to leave things at that.

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  • Honestly, girl, I think you're just his bestie and you haven't realized. Because he's CLEARLY not leading you on - he told you he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe its about a relationship with you, maybe its a relationship in general, but it doesn't matter in this case. You either accept being a friend and hang out happily like that or walk away if your feelings won't.

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  • if he really means it id deal with it by moving on. if you're in love and he doesn't want you for whatever reason, its the only thing to do. if make sure he absolutely doesn't want me,. then id move on.

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  • i'd end things here if i was you

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  • I do agree with the guy who says that he may not like you enough. I am kind of in the same situation as your guy at the moment so I know what he's feeling. That is a possibility, for the time being.

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  • I feel the same way with you so i'll just read the opinions right here.

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  • tell him to see a therapist

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  • Have u told him I would like to be more than friends if not tell him. But you may want to include that if he isn't ready or he doesn't feel the same then you really want to still be friends

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  • You disappear.
    Yes, I think he's using you in order to have sex.

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