Me and my friend like the same guy, but he likes me back, not her....

OK well often me and my friend end up liking the same guy, and it always ends up with him liking me, but me not going out with him because I just don't want to hurt her.

This guy REALLY likes me, and sometimes gets really close to me (like practically leaning on me in Uni class, which I find a bit invading). And I think I like him, but I don't think I should go out with him because she likes him too, and even though she says she wouldn't mind, I know she would.

I also feel bad because he is ALWAYS flirting with me, but she likes him too, so I feel bad that he doesn't like her. But I actually want to go out with this guy, and even though she is one of my good friends, I do not want to pass up another opportunity like I have done at least 3 times in the past.

Yes I know this is a sticky situation, I could either hurt the guy and turn him down and make my friend happy, or I could go out with him and hurt my friend.

I don't want to hurt her, but I'm sick of hurting guys that I really like just to spare her feelings. ( I know this sounds selfish, but seriously I have been single for SO long, and she is the only one stopping me from getting a bf)

Any advise of what I should do and how I should deal with my situation. Should I go out with him, should I pretend not to like him? Help please!

**also if you have been in a situation like this before, what did you do, did it work out?

Updates:
OK so some guys have answered, but GIRLS have you got ANY advise too?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Friends before men, I say.

    You are making some big assumptions here. You are assuming this guy actually wants to have you for a girlfriend, not just to flirt or mess around with. You are assuming you will continue to think he is great after you start dating him and getting to know him better. Is it really worth possibly ruining a friendship for a guy you have no idea how it will go?

    1. Yes, your friend will likely be very uncomfortable with you dating him if things were to progress to that point. This isn't about making her happy. She is not asking you to not date him. It is about being wise and knowing better and realizing it would be very hard for her, most likely, if you dated him.

    2. When you and said guy have bumps in the road of dating or just flirting, you won't have her for a sounding board or buddy to commiserate with.

    3. It is not your fault he does not like her. It isn't her fault or his fault either. Attraction is a tricky deal. We don't all equally feel attraction for all other people. This is life. The sooner you learn this, the easier dating gets.

    4. Again, think long and hard before jeopardizing your friendship. Girlfriends are the one we go to when guys treat us poorly, ditch us for other girls, hit it and quit it or are jerks. Girlfriends are also the ones we go to for advice or emotional support when our man cannot provide it.

    Dating is tricky. You will likely flirt with and date more guys than you will ever have a relationship with. But you can have stable life-long friendships with girlfriends if you choose.

    Good luck!

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What Guys Said 8

  • I had two friends who liked the same guy, in the end her best friend did date the guy... The other girl said she was ok with it, but I can tell she still really liked him. She didn't blame her friend since she knew the guy liked the other girl. I've been in the same situation a couple of times, and if I like the person I'll date them. It may sound selfish, but it would be selfish of them to not allow me to date them if I like them and they don't have a shot. Because it'd be pointless and neither of us would be happy.

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    • So I should date him?

    • If you like him, you should tell your friend and say you want to date him because you think he likes you too. Even if you know he likes you, it just sounds better to say you think he likes you. I think most people would understand.

  • If she's really your friend, and she notices that the guy is interested in YOU and not your friend, then yeah you should go out with him if you really want, and she'll understand. If she becomes a bitch to you because you're going out with a guy that has NO feelings for her, even though she does, then that's her own fault and you should point that out to her with the hopes that it'll open her eyes.

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    • But still I'd feel so bad.... I wan't to, but don't want to hurt her. damn it, I hate having same taste in guys as friends!

    • Show All
    • Ok wow you guys had an entire conversation without me lol. Well see what you both have said, is basically what's going on in my head, I think "i don't want to hurt her I shouldn't do it" then I think stuff like "but if she was really my friend she'd put my happiness first for once" I am very confused, and so far after many answers, there seems to be equal amounts of answerers arguing from different points of views, so I'm more like 51/49, but that's about it.

    • I agree with the answerer. The friend has no right to tell you not too, and if the guy likes you and not her, that just makes her a meddling 3rd party.

  • Unless you're going to marry the guy, your friendship is probably more important. Sound crazy? Maybe, but here's why I say that. If you don't end up in that sort of a long term relationsihp with him, you will most likely break up and you may not have either him or your friend (as you entered into this relationship at her expense and invested so much in your relationship with him while probably neglecting your relaitonship her. You might deny that, but in reality, it happens a lot eve though people can have the best of intentions). The loss of both your boyfriend and your friend will hurt you. So with this situation, if I were you, and as girls might still say put your friend before your potential boyfriend.

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  • Go for it, if she's your friend she'll be supportive, even if she's a little jealous. Also, I've been in this situation and have gone for it, although it's probably easier for guys. I would expect a guy friend to do the same to me if she was into him.

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    • Yea this is true. if she likes him too she should be happy for you. she should want a great guy for u

    • Yeah right. Your friend is preventing you from having a bf. Stop living for other people's sake. Live for yourself! Catch that guy!

  • From what you say, I get the feeling that you're torn between the two options, 1)dating the guy, hurting your friend and potentially making yourself happy OR 2) not dating the guy, not hurting your friend but potentially hurting yourself.

    Maybe it comes down to this: Should her happiness come at your expense? OR should your happiness come at her expense? Which of the two would you prefer? Perhaps it isn't so black and white, but it can sometimes help to look at things this way.,



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  • cant remember if anyone has said this, but you could tell him the situation, that as much as you do like him and do want to go out with him, you don't want to hurt her feelings - and emphasize that this isn't just you letting him down because you don't want to go out with him - you actually do but don't want to hurt your friends feelings.

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  • i've been at the other end of this where me and my mate both liked a girl and she picked him over me. I got over it pretty quickly so I say go for it with this guy.

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  • pretty sure a friend is worth way more than 3 months of "love" with 1 guy

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    • Actually the question is what would YOUR FRIEND do? would she do the same for u?

    • But that isn't the question..... its about what the QA feels about the consequences of her actions and how they will impact her friend....not whether her friend will do the same. while that could be a factor, it is an entirely different question.

What Girls Said 21

  • It seems to me that your friend is doing this on purpose, not knowing that she is doing it though , I had two friends, one would get all the guys and the other would get with them after wards or before the other girl if she knew she liked him. It was a completetion for the girl to get what ever the other girl had or wanted. So with all that being said, I think you friend may doing this. It seems funny that every time you like someone she likes them too. Not trying to say anything bad, but I would really think about that.Alot of best friends like the same guy but does it really happen that much. I wouldn't think so, I don't care how much you and your friend are alike. The odds are slim to none. IF she was really your friend she would support you in any dession you make and still be your friend. A girl knows if a guy likes them, and they definitly know when a guy likes there best friend. I'm sorry if you took any of this badly, I'm not trying to say anything bad about your freind, but I would definitly think about it. OF all those times did your freind end up dating any of those guys that liked you. I like the idea of finding someone for your friend before you actually date this guy you like so much. Hope everything works out. :)

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  • I have with my best friend and the thing is her and I usually like the same guys so we agreed that whoever he likes can go for him. and the thing is they almost always liked her because we look a lot alike (its weird lol) but she's just hotter so ya and sometimes it would hurt but we agreed on it and followed through. And honestly if she makes a big deal out of it it'd be really selfish of her because you passed up opportunities for her and you really like this guy. Talk to her about a similar agreement and go for him :)

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  • Weeeelllll, I believe that you should do whatever makes you happy. You have, as you said, been single because *she* keeps you from getting a boyfriend. If she is a true true true friend, she will be happy for you. This is a sticky situation, isn't it? :P Anyway, this time, put yourself first. Just let her know exactly what you've posted here, maybe without directly stating "You've been keeping me from boys!" Maybe say, I feel like a have a great chance with this guy and I just wanted to let you know I would like to be with him. But, if she says that truly upsets her, then maybe go out of your way and be there for her, ya know? It's a thing where one of you will be there for the other. It just depends on what is said. Good luck guuuurrll! I hope it all works out great! :DD

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  • I've been in this same situation. my best friend liked this guy. we were gonna go meet up with him and I told herI wouldn't like him blah blah blah so when him and I met we clicked right away. and ya I was selfish I went for the guy. but in the end I got both. she was sad and kinda mad for a while but she loved me and she knew that she never had a chance with him because she liked him for 7 years and she was ready to move on. I know this might sound like I'm selfish but honestly everyone told me I should go for him because she likes pretty much everyone cute and what not. so finally she got over him. he saw her more like family. we dated for a while. didn't work out. him and I are best friends to this day as her and I are best friends too. if she's really year best friend she will not make a big deal of it. just she can't have him doesn't mean you shouldnt be able to.

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  • I too have been in the same situation before with my best friend, but the for us its usually sometimes the guy likes me better and sometimes he likes her better. Anyways, sit down and talk with your friend, tell her that you're really into this guy and would love to get to know him, but you don't want to do anything that would hurt her. And if she tells you to go for it, do it. Don't miss out on passing up a great guy because you're nervous of hurting your friend, she gave you the ok, so go out and do it, you would do the same for her :) Good Luck!

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  • Yeah so your friend as MEAN as this sounds it sounds like she falls easily. If you said have been in this situation before with her so if she really liked the first or second guy you guys had this problem with then she would of stuck with him. So my suggestion is that you just go for because my prediction is that she will be crushed and feel betrayed but as quickly as she found those other guys is as quickly as she will move on. If my advice works or doesn't make sense then please write me back. Thanks.

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    • Well that's the thing she has liked this guy on and off (mostly on) for about a year and a half. so that would be another reason I would feel bad, and that she would hurt more. Basically she found out he liked me, I told her I liked him (at the time she did too), but didn't tell me that she liked him too until recently, for some reason she was hiding it from me, As for the other 2 guys, they were at least a year ago before this guy.

    • I always tel my friends its cool with me if they go with the guy we both like but he likes her cos you can't make someone like u. ur friend has no chance and that's life you move on and your happy for your friend as long as the guy treats her well. ask him out and tell her you did and that you didn't think you had a chance but he said yes, OMG you have to help me get ready what should I wear? don't put ur life on hold till she is happy....And it will be easier for her to find someone if ur unavailable ;)

  • this exact thing just happened with me. And really, if your friend really understands that you like this guy and he likes you she will let him go for you. If she does get upset about it, tell her that you have been letting guys go for her and that you don't want to keep letting them go just because she will get jealous for a bit. I know what its like to let guys go for friends and everything and sometimes they just have to suck it up and understand that you have the right to date a guy who likes you and everything.

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  • This is from a girl:

    1. Ok, so you have to be really sure that she likes him a lot, and that she will be really hurt if you dated that guy.

    - If she likes him more than you, and she is like really in love, you should avoid him because I think friends are really important, and if this guy is not like THE ONE for you (like Edward+Bella) than it's not worth hurting your friend..

    - If she doesn't like him so much, than you should go for it. She will be happy for you.

    2. Sometimes it can get annoying. If she really is a true friend, she has to understand that you can't pass up every opportunity you have with a guy just because she also thinks he's hot or whatever. That's what friends are for.

    I hope I helped...

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  • well, I would never go out with a guy if me & my friend both liked him. your friend will be there when the guy is long gone. just be blunt with him, be like, " I am not going out with you because my friend likes you too." he should get the hint, & there will be plenty more "fish in the sea", believe me.

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  • Omg, the same thing is happening to me.. Like legit the exact same thing.

    I think I'm just going to tell my best friend that I like him as well (since she doesn't know yet, but I can tell she suspects it)

    I'm also really upset because I REALLY LIKE this guys :(

    Its happened 3 times before. She liked a guy. I dated him (with out knowing she liked him tho) then she liked this guy.. But he liked me (I didn't like him tho) and now this.. And I feel horrible.

    But still I think you should tell your friend how you really feel and then even though she won't be too pleased with this, you should just be completely honest with her and tell her how much you really like him and don't want to miss this opportunity (again) ... No one said id be easy right? Sometimes you gotta make yourself happy. :) Good luck

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  • I would understand this if it were the first time, but its not. You should DEFINITELY go for it. I'm sorry but this is your third, time, you can't always be holding yourself back for the interests of others. Your friend needs to understand that even if she likes him, she cannot do anything about changing the fact that he likes you. It is not the guys fault that this constantly happens between you two and he should not be hurt. This happened to me, I liked this guy, but he liked my friend, then my friend started liking him. I told her to go for him, I was not going to hold her back, that would have been selfish of me and not fair to the guy since he did not do anything. Why would I stay around whimpering over a guy I can't have? pointless. OF course at fist I was like damn, but it is what it is. I got over it, and our friendship didn't change. Next time you like someone, just don't tell her right away, wait till he likes you back and then she can't get in between again. (:

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  • Before you date ANYONE (since it seems that everyone you like your friend likes) I would try to hook up your friend with a boyfriend. That way she would finally stop liking the people that like you and she would be happy. Put here before yourself and you won't have to worry about this problem anymore. Just bring her to a social gathering at college or a nightclub. Max 2 weeks to find her a boyfriend.

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  • How long are you going to let your friend stand in the way of the relationship you want? What if he started to like her instead? Would she go out with him? If so, then you're letting your friend abuse your friendship. If not, then they're never going to be with each other anyway. Either way, it makes no sense to let her stand in the way of what you want.

    Basically, you're letting her take priority over the guys you want both. That's bad. You both deserve a chance.

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  • I think you should go out with him if she is a real friend she will understand and get over it in a few days.

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  • do you like him? you shouldn't hold yourself back because of her. if she is your friend, she will understand and get over it. it is your life. and it's not like he likes her but you're stealing him from her. I suggest you tell her that you really like him and that you don't mean to hurt her so you will try not to flirt with him much in front of her, but that you do want to be with him. that way she knows how you feel and doesn't find out from someone else if you end up with him.

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  • girl this same thing happens to me and my friends, I used to do the same thing as you until I rearlised why should I be sad for her so I just go out with the dude behind her back. men are good at keeping secrets so it works for me

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  • me and my best friend are the same way. we don't like many guys but IF we like them, we always like the same dudes. kinda annoying, isn0t it? lol

    we don't make a big deal of it and we would never let them get inbetween us.

    so usually it's just the one he likes more and then it's up to you if you want to go for it or not.

    once my best friend suggested a threesome ahaha there's always a solution ;)

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  • friendship is more important...i've been in such situations before. and don't regret that I chose my friends, they are still with me. if you don't feel it will last long, forget about the guy, find another

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  • if she is a good friend then she will just have to deal with it..there are more guys that she can be with that accually like her back..you don't have to feel bad its your life..its not selfish..i think you should qo for it:)

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  • You shouldn't have to sacrifice your potential happiness by passing on all of the guys that like you just because your friend happens to like these guys too.

    At the end of the day, it turns out that most of these guys don't like her, but they like you. And you can't or shouldn't even want to change their minds. And you shouldn't just reject these guys because they like you and not your friend. There's no need to be that selfless and sacrifice your happiness just for your friend's sake. So she's just going to have to deal with that. And you should be happy that you have guys liking you and flirting with you. You shouldn't be stressed over that. Enjoy it!

    Of course your friend is going to be hurt at first, but if she really is a good a friend as you make her out to be, she should be happy for you. That's how a true friendship should work. She shouldn't be holding you back and you shouldn't let her hold you back. It's that simple.

    Go out with him, and bring up your date in casual conversation with your girl friend. Just make sure to say: Now we have to find you a date so we can double if things go well with this guy! She shouldn't be jealous or upset at you, once again, if she really is a good friend.

    Good luck.

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  • Ask ur friend !

    it happened wid me !

    She will feel nice ! N ya she'll surley say yes to hav a relationship wid him ! :)

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